Occupy Movie Theaters: Breaking Dawn Part One

Featuring original illustrations by Lizz!

Thursday night, after work, my roommate I were supposed to go to the gym, cook some dinner and go to bed early because we are both tired all the time. So, obviously after we skipped the gym and went shopping for matching hats we had to figure out something entertaining to do. We were all but settled on Hibachi when my roommate suggested we catch a movie. Unfortunately the last showing of Puss in Boots had just started fifteen minutes ago. My roommate joked, “Hey, Twilight is showing at midnight. How funny would it be if we went?” I’m a gigantic know-it-all so I respond, “Nah dude, that shit’s been sold out for months! MONNNTHHSSSS” My roommate, trying to disprove me, found a theater with tickets for the fifth showing of the night at 12:04.

Something about thinking we wouldn’t be able to get tickets and then finding some got us super pumped for the idea of going. So all of a sudden there we were with tickets to a midnight showing of Breaking Dawn Part One. Actually, first we watched the previous film because I never saw it. ( You should read the review we did of Eclipse too!)

THATS RIGHT, FIVE FULL THEATERS

I should be clear that I did read the Twilight books and while I totally enjoyed them I also think they’re super destructive for basically all women. But that’s neither here nor there. Let’s start from my arrival outside the theater.

11:10 This is the BEST idea ever

OH MY GOD KSTEW

11:12 This was the stupidest idea ever

I BET THIS IS WHAT AN ADELE CONCERT LOOKS LIKE

11:20 Overheard: “I can’t believe there are people at the 12:03 showing that get to see this before us.”

11:23 We found seats! There are only girls here. Okay now that we’re here what do we do? This is like the end of The Graduate. We should throw jackets on our seats and go get a snack to kill the next 40 min.

11:25 Overheard: “Oh my God, did someone check us in to facebook because I totally forgot to change my status.”

11:28 Getting in line for popcorn.

11:38 Still in line, wtf this isn’t Harry Potter.

11:44 Seriously how long does it take to get a slushy.

11:45 Just paid $6 and my first born child for a small popcorn.

11:50 Okay now what do we do?

11:55

I FOUND SOMETHING TO PLAY WITH

12:05: I totally forgot there would be previews– HOLY SHIT TITANIC IS COMING TO THEATERS IN 3D

12:30(ish): Movie Begins. Uncomfortably long amounts of applause.

SPOILERS BEGINNING NOW

Okay obviously I didn’t take notes during the movie because that would have been rude. But basically it was just an entire film built around everyone waiting to see the sex scene. One of the funniest things about seeing Breaking Dawn Part One in theaters is that the entire audience of adolescent women has these hilarious group reactions all at once. Unfortunately it turned in to two hours of my roommate and I having completely the wrong reactions to everything.

The film starts out by Jacob receiving the invitation to Bella’s wedding and ripping off his shirt to run out in to the wild like a jackal or a 20 year-old playing a teenager in a movie. This is the beginning of everyone pretending like the characters aren’t supposed to be 17 or 18. After the invitations are received and we get the  gratuitous shirtless Jacob,  the movie cuts to Bella’s bedroom where Bella is packing up her things to leave her family forever and Edward reminds her one last time that he’s a horrible awful monster who can kill and stuff and she’s a weak scared little girl. Bella’s like, “Yeah cool bro, whatev” and still wants to marry him. So then it’s the wedding and they exchange vows and make-out for like five minutes, you know, the way two people who aren’t ready to get married might. I will say, weak scripts aside, this movie series is driven forward by KStew and RPat’s chemistry.

I'M GONNA LOVE YOU FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND NEVER LET YOU GO OR LET YOU MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES

Then Jacob shows up and pulls Bella aside to ask her graphic questions about her wedding night and tells her she shouldn’t “do it” because if she and Edward “do it” he’ll kill her and Jacob really needs her to be alive because he totally still loves her for unexplained and underdeveloped reasons. Bella tells Jacob to fuck off and she and Edward run off to their honeymoon on an island so they can consummate the hell out of their marriage. Now that Bella and Edward are married, they can have sex without it sending them both to hell or killing Bella. It was pretty clear (by the cheering and awkward laughter) that this was the part that everyone had been waiting for. There are a lot of feathers involved in the sex. I’m not sure why.

I DON'T GET IT. THERE WERE NO FEATHERS WHEN BUFFY AND ANGEL HAD SEX.

REACTION SHOT

Unfortunately the sex didn’t last long because in the morning when Edward saw some bruises on Bella he was all, “I can’t even believe I hurt you. Don’t tell me you liked it because I Know You Didn’t. WHY DO YOU EVEN LIKE ME?!” This is totally not creepy and doesn’t make anyone think of actual domestic violence and the phases of denial one can go into afterwards.

So then there was the longest montage in the history of film where the two of them are romping about but not getting down with the get down. This included some actually great scenes of Kristen Stewart in lingerie trying to be sexy in that totally self aware Kristen Stewart way.

Then Bella realizes she’s pregnant and freaks the fuck out because, um, she’s pregnant and no one knew that was even possible. The baby is a freaky mutant and is killing Bella so she runs back to Edward’s parent’s house and calls her own dad to tell him she can’t see him for a while longer. Oh, did I mention there’s also an army of new born vampires out to kill Bella?* I think I forgot that. Jacob is grossed out by the mutant fetus, but he comes around to the house to help save Bella from the army and also so he can get in a big fight with his pack. This seemed to be mostly so that there could be some thoroughly bizarre scenes with the wolves talking in their heads. So Jacob leaves the pack with the wolf-girl and the youngest wolf. Now that he’s the head of a pack, he decides the vamps are okay except the freaky one in Bella’s belly.

REACTION SHOT

Most of the rest of the movie is a weird pro-life agenda about not killing the “baby-not-a-fetus” just to save Bella’s life. You know, because Bella keeps insisting “there’s a miracle inside of me.” Like I said, freaky pro-life agenda. Anyways the baby comes, by which I mean breaks Bella’s spine and her legs. I really think this this was a high risk pregnancy. Right as the army attacks and Edward performs a last-minute vampirization to save Bella’s life. Once Edward rips the baby out of Bella with his teeth (something that seemed less weird in the book) all I could basically think the whole rest of the movie was “HOLY SHIT THEY JUST RIPPED THAT BABY OUT OF HER. SHIIIIIIIIT. SOMEONE GET KSTEW AND THAT BABY TO A HOSPITAL”

HOLY SHIT VAMPIRE BABY

Also they all beat the bad-guy army*. In the end we see Bella about to wake up a vampire and Jacob falls in love with the baby.

REACTION SHOT

The end.

So overall I found the whole experience to be fun because I love to be part of something, but the movie to be so-so. As a reader of the books, I was prepared for the fact that this particular book was kind of a weird departure from the others. I thought I was ready for the weird feather vamp-sex, the bite-a-uterus C-section and the wolf/baby love, but that all was so much weirder on screen. The acting was good but not great, but the script was horrendous. There were plenty of unintentionally funny moments for the whole audience, but the fault there seemed to lie in the script and/or Taylor Lauter’s acting (rather than in KStew or RPat’s acting). Obviously there wasn’t nearly enough wolf-girl. KStew was at her best yet, but seriously started to show her age in the scenes where she got The Machinist level skinny during her pregnancy.

Finally, the movie seemed loooooooooooong. It lasted forever and ever. It was the longest two hour movie ever. This movie was longer than the lines to get in. Though I’m sure plenty of die-hard fans will be happy for the split, Breaking Dawn certainly could have been one film. Far too much attention was paid to the wedding and honeymoon, and the whole plotline felt crammed in to the end or left for the next film.

Also, seriously. A wolf falls in love with a baby.

BACK THE FUCK OFF. THAT BABY IS MINE.

*Update: Apparently so little happened in this movie by comparison with the length that I started including stuff from the previous movie. I guess the only people the vamps were fighting were the wolves who were all angry about the demon baby

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Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 261 articles for us.

60 Comments

  1. This sounds so fucked up. How the hell is this even a thing? Like, really?

    “Unfortunately it turned in to two hours of my roommate and I have completely the wrong reactions to everything.” = that would be the only reason I’d go.

  2. I can’t wait for this awful franchise to fucking die already. It’s the literary equivalent of fermented cat vomit.

  3. Throughout the honeymoon bit I kept laughing really hard because it was so ridiculous and my mom kept asking me what was wrong with me. I kept thinking that the honeymoon would have been way better if it was Alice instead of Edward that she’d married. And she wouldn’t have had to worry about the whole almost dying thing.
    And Alice got major bonus points from me for her pro-choice attitude in the film and arguing that the fetus was killing Bella. Yep, I fucking love Alice.

    • I’ve never read the books, but from what I heard from those who have, isn’t pretty much everyone except Bella telling her she should get an abortion? I thought it wasn’t just Alice.

  4. Goddammit.I hate this franchise SO MUCH as it’s bad for all our lady souls and all. But, between this review and io9’s, I have this urge to see it now. I read the book and that shit was friggin outrageous, so I can only imagine what that shit looks like on screen.

  6. Pingback: Box office update: ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn’ bites into the third-best opening … – Entertainment Weekly | BLOGGER

  7. So my friends and I snuck into the theatre to see Immortals, which was supposed to be playing at 12:15. When we got in though, we realized that all of the theatres were playing twilight instead. All 12 theatres. Every. One. We went home.

    …

    We could have seen twilight for free but we didn’t because it was twilight.

  8. I can’t wait for the Twilight franchise to leave public consciousness so that I can use the word again.

  9. Can someone please explain the wolf/baby thing to me? Like, he loves it like a protective uncle? It is born and immediately grows to be of legal loving age? Its ok to love babies as long as it is of the undead variety?

    This whole thing upsets me a little bit.

    • The imprinting thing is weird, but I can explain it as it was explained in the books. Imprinting happens the first time the guy sets eyes on the girl he is destined for, no matter how old she is at the time. Basically when he imprints, he will be whatever she needs at any time in her life. If she is a child, then he will feel like a protective uncle. It doesn’t become love until the girl is old enough. The wolf-boys don’t age anymore, so physically they would not be any older than the girl at this point. One of the other wolves in the pack imprinted on a normal human toddler and was shown acting like the aforementioned protective uncle. It’s not supposed to be like pedophilia or anything. It’s all platonic until the appropriate time.

      • Does the girl get a say on this imprinting thing? What if she doesnt want to be imprinted on? What if she wants to play the field?

      • So it’s basically a ploy to make the Woody Allens of the world feel better about themselves? It sounds like they’re just trying to make people feel better about the idea of mormon men marrying hordes of underaged girls. This whole series and its underlying mormon shit agenda makes me uncomfortable. That being said, I watch for the undeniably gay cast because I’m sorry but Taylor Lautner and K stew are two of the gayest kids out there today. I’ll see this for free one way or another. I refuse to pay the mormons any money. Fuck them and their psycho children fucking, gay hating ways.

  10. I would like everyone to consider – Stephanie Meyer is a full, card carrying member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. (The Mormons) Which means she pays 10% of her income to them to use as they see fit. For example, spending money to run campaigns to fight the legalization of gay marriage. Sisters, brothers – please consider the bitter truth that you are unwittingly helping the non-gay agenda by spending your own hard earned money on Sephanie’s product. The more she makes, the more she donates and part of it is going to be used to try and keep you from recieving equal human rights. Personally, 1 cent is too much in my opinion.

    • If it is of any comfort, the vast majority of the proceeds for Breaking Dawn (and indeed the other Twilight films) probably went to Summit Entertainment, who were also responsible for Push (one of my favourite movies of the 00’s) and The Hurt Locker.

      (As well as Lock, Stock…, Evita, Memento, and the deeply pretty if intensely flawed Mr. and Mrs. Smith among them.)

      I’m not a huge fan of giving money to people who are likely to use it For Ill ™ but I’m pretty okay with a decent independent studio getting enough money to produce films that I actually will like. Like, for instance, next Summer’s “Perks of Being a Wallflower” (!!!)

  11. can this be a regular column-thing PLEASE? lizz reviews movies so that i can confirm my suspicions of them and not actually have to go see them? i love it.

  12. I snagged a pass to a wednesday screening of this. I’m sure a thousand teenage girls would have murdered me to have had such a privilege but I digress.

    Two main gripes:

    a) Since when is it okay to have a four minute make-out session at your own wedding? What ever happened to “church tongue”?

    b) Edward blames Bella for getting pregnant. Because she’s too tempting. She’s the sex pusher. It’s her fault. WHAT THE EFF!??

  13. This review is kind of pretty awful. Before you write a review it serves well to not only read the book but understand it as well. Firstly, Imprinting is a spiritual connection; a bond between two souls; a love that’s platonic. It’s wierd and beautiful and this juxtaposition is a fascinating element in Breaking Dawn. I think you guys don’t hate Twilight, rather you hate the popularity and fame of Twilight. And hating something for such fame is not a reason to hate at all.
    Keep in open mind!

    Peace and Love!

    • But hating Twilight for being a terrible series of books and movies is still OK, right? Just so long as we have that clear.

    • I usually don’t like to leave negative comments but I just want to go on record saying that I hate Twilight because I think it’s at best a really poorly written, horribly conceived, underwhelming take on vampire romance, and at worst a terrifying phenomenon that presents controlling relationships, domestic abuse, slut-shaming, and celebration-of-a-lack-of-personality as positively peachy.

      The fact that it is popular is baffling to me, certainly, but absolutely not WHY I hate Twilight.

      On the other hand, I really enjoyed this review because I find Lizz’s writing to be charming and funny, I adore her illustrations, and I totally relate with getting excited about something just because you thought you wouldn’t be able to do it but then you realize that you can, even if it’s something not fabulous at all.

      And just as a quick add-on to this admittedly overly grouchy comment (except for the part about Lizz, duh, which was very NOT grouchy): IF WE ARE TALKING VAMPIRES, BUFFY FOR LIFE. WHO WANTS TO TALK ABOUT SEASON 6?! WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE IDEA OF THE REAL WORLD BEING THE BIG BAD? LET’S DISSECT THE BUFFY/SPIKE RELATIONSHIP AND THE VIOLENCE BETWEEN THEM AND THE IMPLICATIONS OF IT ALL. IS THERE A DOUBLE STANDARD BETWEEN THEIR ACTIONS? WHEN DOES BUFFY START TO LOVE SPIKE? WHAT IS JOSS WHEDON’S INTERPRETATION OF A SOUL, WHY IS IT IMPORTANT, AND DO YOU AGREE? HOW DO WE FEEL ABOUT THE WAY WHEDON DEVELOPS SOME OF HIS IDEAS IN BUFFY (IE, WARREN’S CREEPY GF DOLL AND WARREN’S MURDER OF HIS EX-GF) TO THE FULL IDEA OF DOLLHOUSE? DID YOU LIKE DOLLHOUSE? I LIKED DOLLHOUSE EVEN THOUGH IT GOT A LOT OF NEGATIVE REACTIONS…

      Um, okay. It was my mom’s birthday tonight and we went out for a family dinner and I got drunk so I could tune out conversations about how the Republicans are definitely going to win in 2012 and how little boys are so much more difficult to handle than little girls because “you know how boys are.” Clearly I might still be drunk. I apologize for this whole comment but I stand by every word.

        • I love you too! Also Buffy. Always, Buffy. But also Dollhouse! I’m so filled with joy that someone else likes Dollhouse, too!

      • word.

        also, in response to other comments, i really don’t think this is supposed to be, like, a balanced, well-researched review. it is more of a vehicle for the writer to share an experience, the way she thinks about movies etc., which i personally found very relatable and funny.

        and ps, i hate twilight AND it’s popularity and fame.

    • I think everyone here hates Twilight for its fucked up pro-life, no sex before marriage, slut-shaming, consent disapproving, abusive agenda.

      Basically, everything V said.

  14. just saw the movie and it was the most disturbing thing ever. so much pregnancy and blood in one movie. and the script was so awkward.

  15. I loved the camp fun of the first few Twilight flicks. I laughed hard enough during the first to negate the calories in the tub of popcorn I was dipping into my choc-top. So hard that I had enough popcorn thrown at me to fill another tub. Sat up the back after that.

    But the only fun in this movie are the werewolf scenes. Cut it back to those and it is a brilliant drinking game.. Drink for anything PETA would find offensive; drink when Taylor Lautner has been told walk naturally, have a sincere emotion or consider the serious ramifications of psychically bonding yourself to your latest crush. You won’t be drinking for that last one. Completely sober, there is a scene which feels like watching The Animals of Farthing Wood during a bad trip.

    I think I cracked Kristen Stewart’s acting method . It isn’t ‘wooden’—it’s ‘hostage’. Until the honeymoon, she is crying out for help with her eyes. Of course she can’t say a word, her fiancé is supernaturally powerful and she is so isolated in the town that even ‘woman on laptop in cafe during first film’ is invited to the wedding. The woman’s Stephanie Meyer, but that’s beside the point. Edward’s idea of romance is to withhold the location of their honeymoon… a deserted island accessible only by boat.
    Bella considers herself a coward for terror in the face of his throbbing man-stick, but the release of penetrative, married, hetero-sex sends her into deep contentment. Or, as I would term it, Stockholm Syndrome. Terrifyingly, the furniture is crushed around the couple as they copulate, so the film’s most strident claim to feminism is the assertion that women are stronger than bed-posts. And even that is surprising to Edward.
    The only hope for this series is that Bella’s emaciated, sunken, pregnant form will snap its fans into the realisation of how toxic their interest really is.

  17. my honest to god hope wrt this twilight nonsense is that in some roundabout way, it brings feminism to the forefront of a lot more discussions surrounding pop culture. Most intelligent reviews of the series and films discuss how harmful it can be for young girls and how fucked the major themes are and maybe that will bring womens issues into public consciousness in a way it wouldnt have been before? right? anyone? glass half full? no, ok.

    i guess its just that i know lots of teen girls have read this and loved it and worship it and i guess that can turn out ok as long as they eventually begin to see the books for what they are before its too late(you know, before they marry a dangerous undead guy and find themselves pregnant with a demon baby or whatever). i know its not likely, but i just hope they all grow up, read some judith butler and audre lorde, use their new analytical skills and tools to deconstruct twilight and its fuckery, and live happily ever after.

    also, can we talk about how much money stephanie meyer has made on this series? i mean christ i cant even.

  18. Started reading the hunger games in line and spent most of the movie wanting to get out of there to read the rest of the book.

  19. I’m not sure why this hasn’t been mentioned but during the sex scene there is a nip slip. And I’m not talking about Edwards either.

  20. Pingback: Twilight Breaking Dawn Full Movie Download – Manteca Bulletin (blog)

  21. I got called out by one of my very intelligent friends who was going to see this movie because I was ragging on her about it. I’ve read lots of articles about the books, particularly the “abstinence porn” aspect of it. However, I’ve never read the books themselves or seen any of the movies, so she called me out and tried to compare me to those crazy right wing religious folks who try to say Harry Potter is some devil worshipping stuff. While I wouldn’t go that far, I do try not to judge things without fully educating myself about them first, which in this case would mean I need to read the books.

    But since I won’t be reading the books, I’ve just decided that I’ll refrain from judging them, at least in the presence of the rare intelligent individual who actually likes them.

    Also, knowing nothing about this book or movie, I loved your review and your illustrations. I can’t imagine that the movie itself could ever be as entertaining as this review was.

  22. You realize you just gave money to a mormon…..a homophobic anti.feminist one at that? I will not go the movies to watch any movie from the Twilight saga.

  23. My favourite part of the whole thing was the Titanic trailer. I mean, that’s the most exciting news probably ever and I can’t wait to go.

    Also, I inappropriately laughed for twenty seconds AT Stephenie Myers’ painfully long cameo during the bridal procession. SHE LOOKED SO PROUD OF HERSELF, UGH.

  24. Your illustrations are very entertaining. I’m glad you saw this movie so I didn’t have to. For some unknown reason I read all of the books and I was horrified by the idea that the last one was going to actually be happening on screen. I’m sure it’s a zillion times worse to see everything happen than to read it.

    • I only saw the first two movies/did not read the books, but my number one feeling was that Bella was this hugely underdeveloped character, had no personality, followed around a vampire for no obvious reason. but this article points out that Bella is actually a pretty truthful picture of a young girl. I think there must be some personality/feelings/motivation deep down in that that character that could, maybe should have been explored and made more explicit to viewers, but whatever.

      maybe I couldn’t sympathize with her because I didn’t want to. her helplessness, her submissiveness, the way she puts all her energy and caring into someone who really isn’t good for her – these traits are honest and relatable.

      I still don’t think Bella was well developed. It’s her passion that makes her somewhat interesting, not how much of her we can see in ourselves. I have more feelings about bella, feminism, being sad about teen girls being obsessed with these books/movies, but it’s 5:30 in the morning and I can’t.

      also I feel that to discuss the whole part about bella’s pregnancy I need to actually see the movie and/or have a child (or not). so.

    • I saw the movie with my little sister and we laughed SO HARD at that scene. She even started crying! I mean… is there even any way to do wolves yelling at each other that wouldn’t be ridiculous?

      “I AM THE GRANDSON OF A CHIEF!!!”

      funniest scene.

  27. Sometimes, you guys sound like martians when you review things.

    As someone who feels like a martian in regards to a lot of popular culture, I appreciate this.

  28. I’ve never seen any of the other movies or read any of the books, but my wonderful, lovely, completely insane friend decided to invite me, my girlfriend, and like ten other people to see it for her birthday so I felt obligated to go. Now, I have seen a lot of really awful movies, but watching Breaking Dawn was the worst thing I’ve ever done to myself. THERE WAS NO PLOT. Like, none. And everybody was super boring. Bella and Edward really, really seemed like they didn’t want to get married or be any where near each other. The sex thing was super weird, and pretty dull. The whole pregnancy storyline was really hard to watch and just seemed like some sort of abortion debate. Bella just seemed like this pathetic, uninteresting figure who desperately needs male attention and isn’t mature enough to consider that she’s seriously inconveniencing everyone else by dieing for a parasitic cluster of cells. It was just the worst movie ever. Plus there were too many people there for me to make out with my girlfriend. Blah.

  29. My younger sisters and sister-in-law are all crazy for Twilight. My sisters have been huge fans since the beginning but my sister-in-law recently converted, which makes it even more insufferable. She throws me all this “I used to think it was stupid, too, but then I actually read the book and it’s actually really, really good” stuff. Barf.

    Girls who are so into this shit think they can dismiss any criticism about all the weird aspects of the storyline by saying, “No, you have to read the book. It all makes sense in the book. It’s more romantic in the book. You would understand if you read the book.”

    I. Don’t. Care. And I don’t want to read those effing books. From what I have read in reviews, both from sarcastic ladies I relate to and also from actually literary, uh, people, the overall lack of skill in writing in these books is astounding. Why would I voluntarily submit myself to that? (There’s no pics of KStew in the books, right? lol)

    Final thought… when people compare this franchise to Harry Potter, I want to throat punch them. Besides the fact that they are both a magical/fantasy/whatever series of books made into a series of movies, I see absolutely nothing similar about them. I LOOOOOVE when people say it’s so much better than Harry Potter, or that since I love Harry Potter, I would love Twilight, too, or that if I would only read the books I would see how much better Twilight is… The girls saying this, of course, are so taken by a sparkling Edward that they wouldn’t know a piece of good literature if it smacked them in the face.

  30. So, when my gf and I went to see it, we saw a trailer for KStew’s movie Snow White and the Huntsman. It’s apparently coming out on my birthday. Can KStew come out on my birthday too? BEST. PRESENT. EVER.

  33. Duh, the feathers came from the pillows that were destroyed during Vampire Sex!
    I was disappointed because I thought that they destroyed that bed because of all the wild vampire sex they were having, not because Edward was so awkward. And yeah, that whole situation definitely called to mind domestic abuse.
    I usually go into the Twilight movies to have a good time but this one was just hard to watch. It was really boring, and everything about Bella/the way she looked during the pregnancy/the aftermath of the pregnancy was very disturbing.
    I can’t remember if they played chess in the book, but it seemed like a super obvious reference to the cover, like when they had Edward catch and hold out the apple in the first movie.
    I wish they’d just kept the director from New Moon instead of switching each time because New Moon was the best one!

    also I have already replied about this in another comment but…. the completely (unintended to be) ridiculous scene of the wolf pack yelling at each other in wolf form! It doesn’t work at all and it’s just laughably terrible. Did no one look at that beforehand and stop laughing long enough to tell them there was no way they could use it?

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