Phil gives a mean massage.

I WOULD PREFER NOT TO SAY

Cam really can’t drive a truck.

THIS IS WHY WE'RE THE TRUCK DRIVERS

Also he sleep-clowns.

WHO RUNS THE WORLD? CLOWNS.

Alex has a secret gang of nerdy followers. (Take that Haley.)

THEY LEARNED THIS FROM WATCHING BIG BANG THEORY

Plus, kids these days know lots of gays.

Cam:I’m teaching you girls a very valuable lesson. That gay men can do everything straight men can do.
Haley: Yeah, we know that. Do you think you’re the only gay guy that we know?

New Girl

“Thanksgiving”
by Brittani

This week during the Thanksgiving episode, aptly named “Thanksgiving,” the cheesiest couple since Holly and Michael was created. Justin Long plays Paul, a teacher from Jess’s school and her current love interest. I’m not sure why but Justin Long has always seemed like a poor man’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt to me. Long is like the Solange to G-L’s Beyonce. And not even good Solange. I’m talking Bring It On: All or Nothing, Solange.

Schmidt: Don’t ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.
Jess: What are the most sexy holidays?
Schmidt: The most sexy holidays are 4th of July, uh, Independence Day obviously, Women’s History Month, and Christmas.

Best Buy’s Black Friday was all over this episode. Product placement is in the building y’all. Maybe someone could give us some money to do that in recaps? I think we could come up with something funnier than the ripped off Liz Feldman joke they used in this episode to bring it up.

Jess knows nothing about cooking and convinces culinary master and tarragon lover Schmidt into helping by dangling Cece as bait. Jess’s methods include cuddling the turkey then throwing it in the dryer. I don’t think I’d want any part of that meal if they deem these acts acceptable.

Nick is upset because even though he doesn’t realize it yet, he likes Jess. Despite Paul being the male version of his adorkable roommate, he can’t stand the guy. It’s only mildly annoying when she does it because of boobs and such. Jess confronts him about being an ass.

Jess: I’m Nick Miller. I’m so cool I make my cool face.

Then she goes into detail about all the things she wants to do with Paul. A vast difference from the Jess that couldn’t say the word penis a few weeks ago. Has she changed that much in such a short period? No. But the show is still finding its footing and I’m more ok with this Jess than that one. I hope they figure out what to do with Winston soon. He’s SO BORING. He’s nice and they get off so easy by using him as a malaprop without truly involving him in the action.

Jess: And then the “What’s for Lunch.” And the “Gimme that Hat.”

Cece admits she likes Schmidt because of his inner rage that has been on full display in the kitchen. The question of how big of an ass is he arises again when he later apologizes and even offers his cardi to Cece when she gets cold. Of course she doesn’t like it when he’s nice because she, like all pretty girls on TV shows, is attracted to arses. Before they dine, Paul finds old Ms. Beverly in the bathroom. She’s dead. They don’t eat which I feel is ridiculous. No way I’m going to skip out on Thanksgiving just because they found a body. Priorities people.

Happy Endings

“Code War”
by Brittani

Riki Lindhome of Garfunkel and Oates guest starred as Max’s HS girlfriend, Angie. Max doesn’t want his friends to scare her off by being themselves. Once again we see how difficult and awkward they can be when interacting with those outside of their friend group.

Max: Alex, do not tell your theory about why the perfect murder weapon is a knife that absorbs blood.
Alex: But it is.

Angie and Dave have been flirting at the bar after running into each other on the street. Max doesn’t like it so he invokes The Guy Code. Or one of them. I bet there are a lot. I think I saw something about them in a Budweiser commercial. Dude Law was it? Anyway, Dave doesn’t abide and there’s full on war. No codes apply any more. None of them.

Jane finds out Brad has a work wife therefore she needs to find a work husband. When Jane gets called into HR for harassment because she doesn’t know how to flirt, she stumbles upon a possible work husband. Steven appreciates that she’s no stranger to the three hole punch. After sassing her real husband with the allure of her work husband, they decide they should combine their spousal forces and have drinks.

Brad: Yeah, that won’t be weird at all.
Jane: Right, like when your mom started tweeting. How not weird was that one tweet about menopause.
Brad: Shutting down the fallopes. Hashtag menopause.

Alex has a crush on Max after he kisses her to prove that the code should apply even though he’s gay.

Max: Why is she rubbing her baby hand on me?

Alex is in need of a little love after a booty call gone awry.

Alex: I thought maybe he wanted to have a late European dinner.
Penny: Look how he spelled “cum over.”
Alex: I thought it was the European spelling.

Turns out Max is so attached to his ex because she was his last straight relationship and he was truly hurt by their split. Even though he didn’t love her with his penis part, he loved her with everything else. Brad and Jane decide they’re better off without work spouses when Jane’s turns out to be a creepster. Dave and Max make up but not before we learn Dave cooks in his truck without clothes on from time to time. Alex and Dave were both funny this episode. The funniest they’ve ever been I think. And Dave listened to Indigo Girls again. He truly is a fan.

"You look like a Jonas uncle."

Penny: You look like Keri Russell after she ruined Felicity.

Did you spot Busy Philipps in the episode? All these cameos almost make me want to watch Cougar Town. Almost.