Autostraddle’s expansive Vapid Fluff content is subject to a neverending news cycle. Every morning, before I so much as get out of bed, I scour multiple tabloid websites in search of potential queer-friendly gossip situations. Sometimes I strike gold — Kristen Stewart may be walking through an airport in casual outerwear, holding hands with a lady — and other times I skip through page after page of meaningless garbage, cursing the circumstances of my life which led me to this bizarre fate.
Being a celebrity means that every time you eat a sandwich next to someone, you’re getting married imminently, and every fashion choice you make is usually interpreted as a secret message to the person you dated anywhere from three to ten years ago. I have unwittingly learned the names of all of the Kardashians, and I’m a lot more up-to-date on Gwen Stefani’s relationship status than I’d like. Here are some of the most amazing headlines I’ve skimmed over as I searched for news of Samira Wiley, for the good of the people.
1.
Sounds plausible.
2.
Fair warning, there’s a lot of ass in these headlines and an awful lot of it comes from the Kardashian family.
3.
Well Charlotte McKinney, you’re just going to have to wait.
4.
Yikes.
5.
BIKINIMANIAAAAAAAA
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7
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I wish they wouldn’t call the Kardashian family a Klan.
8.
SURPRISE
9.
Because she’s pregnant, get it?!?!? Stay classy, TMZ.
10.
That’s what she said.
11.
I didn’t know this was even possible, but they’ve done it.
12.
Please don’t.
13.
Paul McCartney, I like your style.
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Journalism!!!
18.
The only way to cope.
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What a world we live in.
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OK, I loved this one.
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Oh.
27.
…Oh.
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29.
30.
…Although that’s not an entirely terrible idea.
31.
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I would be embarrassed too.
33.
When the universe hands you a headline like this, who are you to deny it?
34.
That’s just like, your opinion, man.
35.
36.
Same.
37.
I don’t even remember what this one was about, I just relish every opportunity to tell Taylor Swift she sucks at something.
38.
“Get in line, Nick Loeb.” – Rachel
39.
…Again!!!
