It’s time for the Operation Beehive raid. Sam is having a little trouble breathing again, but she looks pretty good in her Serious Cop Gear.
Ryder finds her and can see she’s anxious and edgy again. (Instance no. 2 of my girlfriend yelling, “Pull yourself together!”)
Ryder: What’s the matter?
Sam: Nothing. Fucking hell! Why does there always have to be something wrong?
Ryder: Sam, there IS something wrong. I think maybe you should go home.
Sam: I’m going nowhere.
You said it, not me.
At the gallery, Sadie has another posh customer. The woman sorta looks like pre-Chaz Chastity Bono. That’s just an observation, not a comment on Chaz specifically or trans men generally (or Sonny or Cher in any way at all).
The woman is interested in a £35,000 vase that, according to her, follows you around the room. Sadie pretends to agree with this and goes into super-competent salesperson mode. Why don’t these people realize that Sadie’s mocking them?
The customer asks whether she can use the bathroom, and Sadie says, “Of course; just through here, Madam.” Hmm, “madam” has never sounded quite so much like “sucker.”
Back at the theater, Hugh is doing some breathing exercises. Just when it begins to seem like he might actually get himself together, he makes the mistake of relaxing with a tabloid. He turns the page to see a photo spread of “Thomas Delaware at home with his partner Maggie.”
Onstage, Nora and Tess are finding their lights. They suddenly hear shouting and crashing and “Not my fucking wife!”
Tess tries to get Hugh back on track. He’s certainly found his motivation, but it’s the wrong one: he wants to give a good performance in order to give his wife “the husband she deserves” and get her back.
At the gallery, Sadie is checking her look in the mirror. Oh, what’s that on the sink? Why, it’s a very expensive-looking watch that probably belongs to one Ms. Not-Chastity-Bono. And now it’s in Sadie’s pocket, natch.
Meanwhile, at the hospital, Declan pretends to need a second opinion, but he really just wants Lexy to deliver a patient to the X-ray department so he doesn’t have to suffer yet another rejection from “Sex-ray,” that radiologist he fancies. Does anyone care?
It’s time to set Operation Beehive a-buzzin’. Sam, still shaky but committed to doing her job, gets to give the “Go!” order. And for a few seconds it’s actually kind of exciting. Except I really have no idea what happened. There’s some shouting and some handcuffing, and there are bad guys and cops, but none of it makes any sense. Where’s Mary Beth Lacey with a coherent explanation when you need one?
At the hospital, Lexy is doing that favor for Declan — delivering a patient to X-ray.
Lexy: (to Sex-ray) He’s got a fractured tibia, and my friend fancies you.
The guy already knew that. Lexy tries to paint Declan as “not that bad a guy, really,” but she’s as tired of this whole thing as we are:
Lexy: Can you please just put him out of his misery? ‘Cause, no offense, but I’m fucking sick of hearing about you.
Amen. I mean, end of!
Oh, before I forget: last week I read the first issue of a pretty good comic called Mind the Gap, and it mentioned the “Glasgow scale.” Turns out that’s the Glasgow Coma Scale. If you were a doctor in Glasgow — especially one with as good a sense of humor as Lexy’s — wouldn’t you reference the coma scale as often as possible? Especially when Declan makes a misogynist remark or a bad joke: “You’ve just put my motor response at a 3 on the Glasgow scale: abnormal flexion to painful stimuli.”
Back at the raid, Ryder is calling Sam on his radio. He’s gone after some bad guy or another, I guess; anyway, the point is that Sam still can’t breathe and therefore can’t exactly go help him. See, this is the problem with being all stoic and closed-off, Sam: you forget that other people exist.
I wish I could forget that Declan exists. He and Sex-ray (what the fuck is this guy’s name, anyway?) are finally making dinner plans, but I’d rather pick apart the Operation Beehive scene in a Zapruder sort of way than watch another three seconds of Declan.
Sam finally gets to Ryder. He’s all bloody, and I should feel sad, but the makeup is just so unconvincing. It’s like someone dipped one of those sticky hand toys in barbecue sauce and threw it at his face. (Reason 42,821 to love and/or question the internet: here’s a digital sticky hand to play with.)
At the theater, Ed is bringing Tess some flowers. Nora thinks they’re for her, of course. Nora takes the opportunity to question Tess’s acting talent as well as Ed’s writing talent. But it’s not always smart to get into a battle of wits with a writer:
Nora: (dripping with derision) How is your book going?
Ed: Good, yeah. I’ve changed the lead character to an evil, self-obsessed hobbit. It wasn’t a very big rewrite.
They trade a few more barbs. Ed gets the last word by requesting some of Nora’s signed photos for his and Tess’s regular darts tournament. You’re a big dork, Ed, but I don’t think you’ve done anything out of chracter all season long — which is really saying something.
Whoa! Naked ladies! Sadie and Lauren are having sex. Lauren tells Sadie she’s beautiful, and she seems to really mean it. She just gazes at Sadie for a moment. Sadie blinks and looks at Lauren in a way that makes me worry about her heart again.
Also, the music in the background is saying something about “crash[ing] and burn[ing] before your eyes,” which isn’t exactly encouraging.
Speaking of beautiful, look at this melancholy shot of the Glasgow sky:
It’s immediately followed by a shot of melancholy Lexy, who’s sitting in the hospital cafeteria. A happy couple is smiling and canoodling nearby; Lexy watches them with no small amount of envy.
She picks up her BlackBerry and calls … Tess! This show is such a tease.
Tess: Thank you for my awesome present. Love champagne, and the Immodium’s come in pretty useful, actually. (hastily) Not that I’ve got the runs or anything.
I would like a set of “Faces of Tess” cards. That way I could just hold up the relevant expression card whenever I need to, instead of making the face myself, which sometimes gets me in trouble.
A postorgasmic Lauren and Sadie are still gazing at each other. Sadie is obviously smitten and hopeful and vulnerable. She gives Lauren a gift: that watch she found on the bathroom sink in the gallery.
Lauren loves it, even though she knows Sadie can’t afford such a thing. Sigh. Sadie has something else for Lauren too:
Sadie: And … a ticket to the play tonight. Oh, come on. No one needs to know we’re together.
Lauren, I guess you don’t know this, but I really don’t think it’s a common thing for Sadie to plead with her eyes like that. Look at that!
Lauren finally agrees, and this is the other thing that’s uncommon for Sadie: a look of simple joy.
IF YOU BREAK HER HEART, I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE!
It’s time for a horrible feeling of déjà vu: Sam is at the hospital again, standing outside some double doors, waiting to find out the fate of someone she loves.
No wonder she can barely breathe. This is too much for one person.
At the theater, the director has a message for Hugh: his wife called, to say that by sending her flowers, he’s in breach of his restraining order. The director then moves on to telling everyone he’s proud of them; Hugh slinks away after the accolades. Tess tries to follow him, but Nora grabs her for a “break a leg” and a hug that probably feels more like an anacondian death squeeze.
Whuh? Oh, I see — it was a distraction tactic. As Tess goes on along after Hugh, Nora strolls over to the samovar (there’s always a samovar in Chekhov!) and pours a whole lot of malt vinegar into it. Pranks like these are only fun if the prankster is puckish, rather than yucky.
Side note: I recently enjoyed a meal at the Penny Farthing. I asked for malt vinegar for my chips, and the clueless busboy brought me balsamic vinegar. Balsamic! Talk about yucky (not generally; just on chips).
Hugh is leaving his wife a mean message. He wants to go to see her, but Tess reminds him that the last visit didn’t go so well. She pleads with him to just get dressed.
Hugh: How can I give my Vanya now, when I feel so empty inside?
Haha! Ironic. ‘Cause, you know, Vanya himself… never mind.
You know, this entire time I assumed Hugh was playing the doctor, not Uncle Vanya. Shrug.
It’s just about showtime. Sadie is outside the theater, waiting for Lauren. Lexy and Ed arrive.
Sadie: (looking Lexy up and down) Someone’s made an effort.
Lexy: Yeah; I’m not the only one!
Lexy wants to know whether they’re finally going to get to meet the “phantom girlfriend.”
Sadie: Look, don’t drop me in it. As far as you know, she’s my aunt, OK?
Is there such a thing as an absentee aunt?
At the hospital, Sam is washing the blood off her hands. I am not going to make a Lady Macbeth joke. She stares into the mirror again. “Pull yourself together!” says my girlfriend, no longer believing that to be remotely possible.
But at least Sam’s face is no longer frozen and cold. Something is shifting; she takes out her phone and calls someone.
First we have another call to deal with: the “Act I beginners call” for Uncle Vanya. OMG, opening night! I want to see the whole entire production. In a perfect world, that would be a DVD extra.
Tess goes to Hugh’s dressing room. It’s locked and there’s no answer. Pull yourself together! That time I was the one saying it.
I love this caption for the audience shot (the actual BBC caption):
The curtain opens and the play begins. Hugh’s cue comes early; there’s a long pause as everyone wonders what’s going on and Tess, in the wings, mutters “Fuck!” under her breath. But he finally shows up, buttoning his sleeves and zipping his fly — and delivering his lines quite nicely all the same.
Sadie is still outside. A random couple walks by, curious about the Tron. Sadie gives them her tickets and trudges off dejectedly.
Across the street, a familiar-looking blonde watches Sadie from a cafe window.
