I just have to come out and say it: Lick This App is a mobile oral sex teaching app. It will get you uncomfortably close to your phone.
Our first lesson was rough. I just saw my phone as a utility, occasionally a friend. But the Lick This App gave us an opportunity to grow closer — my phone wanted to teach me how to get better at oral sex! This was a new step of mobile intimacy.
First, I asked my Siri app, “What would you do if I licked my phone?” And for some reason, this is what she pulled up. I’m not sure this is a good sign.
Before I started lapping at my phone screen with reckless abandon, these fears and questions slipped through my mind:
- Will my OS become emotionally attached to me, like in the movie “Her?”
- What if a friend or family member calls me while I’m practicing oral sex with my phone and kills the mood?
- What if I accidentally button-mash into a FaceTime call and someone gets a screen full of my face vigorously licking my phone?
- Will my warranty cover this? How do I explain this to the Genius Bar?
- Can I submit fanfic about this to Amazon Worlds?
- Phones are dirtier than toilet seats.
If you’re worried about any of the above, you’ll probably want to switch on Airplane Mode and/or invest in plastic wrap.
Poor Joaquin’s face got stuck after using the Lick This App.
But I soldiered on! Determined to try this out, I loaded up the web app in my mobile Safari browser by visiting lickthisapp.com. I was greeted by this screen:
There are three exercises that are supposed to help you work out your tongue. I was expecting something racy, but the mini-games were anything but. They helped put me at ease.
I started with this game. You gotta swipe your tongue up and down over this non-threatening light switch. After a few seconds, I realized that my nose had swiped over the screen, pulling down the Notification Center. Or I’d lick up, and the Control Center would pop up! Damnit iOS 7, you’re preventing me from earning Authentic Lesbian Points!
The final exercise is “Freestyle,” where you try and, ahem, tap a ball rapidly with your tongue. I found myself cheating at this game and just hitting my phone against my face repeatedly. I shouldn’t have left my apartment windows open, someone’s gonna call the police.
By the end of the exercises, I was SO FRUSTRATED with the lack of control I had over my phone. I had accidentally enabled music, swiped “back” in my browser, and failed to collect points. It’s not. Supposed. To be. This Difficult!
My partner wandered into the room to watch my oral battle and laugh. She mentioned something about patience and control. Embarrassing.
Here is a video summary of my first time using Lick This App:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwjjJRqaGMo
I was so frustrated that I made my friend Allison do and review the circular exercise. Here are her observations:
“This app:
1) is great for killing time on public transportation!
2) made my tongue sore without having to suffer the fun of sex.
3) reminded me that I don’t know how to effectively manipulate cling wrap.
4) didn’t leave me feeling any more proficient at cunnilingus.”
I don’t have the heart to give this web app a poor rating, since I’m sure it could help some people gain better eye-tongue coordination and increase actual endurance while “keepin’ the beach balls afloat.” The premise is fuckin’ hilarious.
I think most of my problems stemmed from user error. Also, I blame some of it on my inability to form a stronger mentor-mentee relationship with my phone. Or something.
Oh Lick This app, it wasn’t you. It was me.
Readers, I want your feedback:
Do you think this app has a shot at improving your sexy times?
What would be the best hardware / OS / mobile browser combo to run this app on?
Why don’t you attach photos and videos of you demoing this app in the comments? (C’mon, I dare ya! I did it!)
This has been the seventy-second installment of  Queer Your Tech with Fun, Autostraddle’s nerdy tech column. Not everything we cover is queer per se, but we talk about customizing this awesome technology you’ve got. Having it our way, expressing our appy selves just like we do with our identities. Here we can talk about anything from app recommendations to choosing a wireless printer to web sites you have to favorite to any other fun shit we can do with technology.
Header by Rory Midhani
