I am a firm believer that the Google search-bar autocomplete is society’s most accurate insight into the human condition. At its very essence, the Google search-bar autocomplete knows us better than we know ourselves, and stands stalwart and true while we fumble through life Googling even the most simple of queries. So today I am going to answer, without any browsing activity bias, the top 5 googled queries beginning with, “When will I –,”

When will it snow?

To predict upcoming snowfall meteorologists consider a variety of factors, most prominently barometric pressure, humidity, temperature and wind direction. For a more layman’s understanding and practical tools to predict weather there are two basic elements to consider: wind and water. The latter, in the form of clouds.

I went to a super outdoorsy boarding school in Colorado and survived a week-long school trip into the open prairies in the middle of March. Nobody died, but an unforeseen snowstorm ensured everything that could go wrong would go wrong. So, I speak of predicting weather patterns with the authority of having survived a bear-less version of The Revenant when I was 15 years old. Also, I barfed on the teacher, so there’s that.

The first thing to consider when predicting snow is the direction of two types of wind: the local winds and the weather winds. Local winds are shaped by the immediate terrain. Think of the difference between a sea breeze that will come inland and kick towards the coast as the day gets warmer and the winds on hills and mountains where cold air (because of its density) slides down the slopes. Once you take notice of the average local winds, you can begin to study the weather winds. Stand with your back towards the lower wind and then look up; here is where the clouds come in. Look for the highest clouds you can see and note if they are moving left to right, right to left, or in the same direction as the wind hitting your back. Now you can make your prediction.

Left to right: warm air is on the way and so is some bad weather.
Right to left: cold air is advancing and your weather situation might actually improve.
Same direction: things will probably stay the same.

It’s a common myth that temperatures must be below freezing for snow to fall. In fact a temperature of 2ºC (35ºF) or below is all the atmosphere needs, given the right amount of moisture – in case you were wondering.

When will I die?

This is a massively un-Google-able question, unless you are a fictional lesbian character and the actress playing you was contractually obliged to another show on AMC. Then, you’re gonna die in episode 7.

When will I see you again?

I’m going to go ahead and assume that the “you” in this question refers to Wiz Khalifa.

In the recent and not-actually-classic hit song “See You Again (feat. Charlie Pluth)” rapper, nay poet, Wiz Khalifa states, “Damn, who knew? All the planes we flew, good things we’ve been through, that I’ll be standing right here talking to you.” The verse implies that you might see Khalifa only after you both have flown some planes and been through good things.

He continues, “But something told me that it wouldn’t last, [I] had to switch up, look at things different, see the bigger picture. Those were the days, hard work forever pays. Now I see you in a better place (see you in a better place).” Clearly, Khalifa is reflecting on the ephemeral nature of human existence and the relativity of human consciousness and concludes that honest labor has both moral and monetary benefits. He confirms, through a play on words, that these benefits will both, allow him to see you on a regular basis, as well as in a better light in regards to your virtue and integrity. Does that answer your question?

When will I get married?

Unfortunately, because of the disparity in same-sex marriage laws and general human rights around the world, there are very few statistics on queer people getting married. However, if we are going on a simple census of men vs women worldwide, there is significant evidence that the distinguishing factor in marital age is a country’s income, with people in developed countries marrying later (women always an average of 3 years younger than men across the board). Studies show that developing countries, mainly those in between the tropics, are more likely to be in the lower end of the age scale. Senegal, Chad, Mali, Nigeria, Angola, Sudan, Congo, Cameroon, Madagascar and India, as well as Colombia, Paraguay and Mexico are listed with a median marital age of 21 – outliers notwithstanding. Meanwhile, the United States, United Kingdom, most of the EU, the Nordic countries, South Africa, Australia, Chile and Brazil are listed as having a median marital age of 26 – 34.

However, I would personally like to answer this question with a timeless refrain from Shakira: whenever, wherever.

When will it rain?

Please refer to the previous explanation on how to predict snow and other inclement weather. Also, find yourself a friend who once had a busted knee or hip; in the movies those guys always know when it’s about to rain. If you find that a lot of people ask you for the forecast, it seems that you are that friend. Congratulations and sorry about your hip.

The reigning theory here is that fragile joints (caused by age or injury) are more sensitive to the change that a decrease in barometric pressure, that is the atmosphere’s density, causes to the fluid between the joints themselves. Usually swelling and pain accompany a change in atmospheric pressure, creating a sort of human barometer.

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