Um, so we go back to the haunted house and Angie and Hendrix are laughing with each other but I can’t remember what they said ’cause my head was between my knees. I want better for my best girl! They’ve just shared a PUBLIC KISS when Bella appears — turns out her gig is working the Haunted House. Angie brushes off Bella’s notation of her kissing a man who has apparently managed to successfully hide from the rest of this conversation, but Bella doesn’t buy it.
Angie returns to Hendrix, who asks if it’s awkward that she’s his teacher. YES SIR IT IS!?!
In the steamy backroom of the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Tess is calling Shane to announce a snag in their dinner plans for the evening — the agency sent a new nurse, Victor, instead of their usual nurse, Gloria, and Tess refuses to leave her mother alone with a nurse she just met.
Victor stands awkwardly in the background while Tess talks about him, wondering if he’s about to make $20 an hour to play Subway Surfers on his iPhone. Surely this can’t be the first time Gloria’s needed a day or a night off, and if Tess is the kind of daughter who ditches date night ’cause she can’t trust a new nurse to watch her mother for 2-3 hours — which is fine! — then she is not in a position to be opening a second small business, let alone the most risky and time-consuming genre of small business, a lesbian bar!
In the bathroom of the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Dani and Roxy rip the sleeves off Sophie’s jacket, tear off the plush cats and dogs, and belt it.
While Roxy’s in the bathroom stall, Sophie convinces Dani that it’s obvious Roxy is into Dani and likely would take the train to tuna town with her that very evening. So when Roxy exits, monologuing about other parties where they might find sexual “prospects,” Dani interrupts with a much better idea: going home to bang.  “I’m halfway out the door, baby,” Roxy says, and they are.
Meanwhile in the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern backroom, Shane’s feeling surly and is texting Ivy to meet up. Overcome by the urge to brood, she pours and consumes some straight bourbon like William Fucking Adama in his quarters stressing about the future of humanity. Finley pops into the backroom to make sure she’s good. Shane says she is. Finley’s unconvinced.
Parenting talk got too real for Maribel and even though it’s only eight P.M she would like to go home because she’s tired and doesn’t wanna be “interrogated” by this kind queer couple!
Micah’s not ready to go, he’s still got questions. Maribel suggests Google and Micah says he can’t really google these kinds of questions. Probably one of them is “who killed Jenny.” So Maribel heads home to be a solo avocado and Micah remains.
Over at Chez Alice, scary movie night is underway. There is popcorn and Alice is wearing a cute sweater and Taylor’s wearing the same shirt she slept in instead of borrowing a cute shirt of Alice’s which’d look really adorable!!!!
Alice thinks Taylor’s sleeping which forces Taylor to confess that in fact she’s unable to keep her eyes open ’cause she’s had her contacts in for 48 hours and one of them is lodged all the way up in her brain!!!!!! IT DIDN’T HAVE TO HAPPEN THIS WAY TAYLOR! Also, I think in reality, by now her eyes would’ve burned up and popped out of her head like a bird escaping a cukoo clock.
But before they can get too deep into this wacky situation, there’s a BANG from outside. They yelp! It’s a scary night in spooky season!
We then return to the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, where Shane’s dipped out into a dark alley where Ivy’s sitting in her car, waiting for her dashing hairstylist to come play hide the salami.
But before they can make out too hard, Ivy brought Shane a present! It’s a pair of scissors with Shane’s initials on them. She can use them to stab Tess in the heart!!!!
Ivy reaches into the backseat to clear out some baby stuff and then all of us stare at her ass for a minute.
We return to Alice’s Personal Haunted House: Alice and Taylor are sitting on the kitchen floor, Alice in a deep panic and Taylor too consumed by her optometrical issues to worry about the impending arrival of the gay Freddy Krueger vessel. It is in this spirit that Taylor boldly volunteers to scope out the scene — she can’t see, after all, so at least she’ll die in blissful ignorance while Alice makes a run for it!
If Alice ever felt like she needed a hero or was holding out for a hero until the end of the night, then my friends, she got just what the doctor ordered! We hear a thump and a scream and Alice rushes to the door and Taylor is right there, haunting in hand: a cackling pumpkin they themselves hung up outside earlier that same day.
“When we tell this story, we’re telling it really differently,” Alice quips.
“Oh hell no, we’re telling it just how it happened,” Taylor laughs, kissing her.
Alice thanks Taylor for saving her life and Alice says “you like me” and Taylor says she does — but she’s still weirded out by who Alice is: Alice eats nachos without getting a crumb on her white pants and she never gets food stuck in her teeth! It’s odd to hear Alice described like this, maybe ’cause we knew Alice when she was a sweet summer child practicing how to tell Gabby Deveaux to stop walking all over her feelings.
Alice: “I can show you who I am, I just didn’t know if we were, you know, there.”
Taylor: “Yeah, exactly. I mean, I didn’t know either. But… are we?”
Alice: “You gonna let me take that contact out of your eye?”
It’s time for these two to get kinky with a little open-eye surgery!
Back at the Shess Shack, Tess is watching her mother because she’s still upset that the agency sent a different nurse. I think she is making her own life harder than it has to be, but can’t see that sometimes an action that feels incredibly selfless can actually be selfish.
But Peppermint Patty doesn’t want Tess helping her to the bathroom, she wants Victor. In fact, she’d rather be in a nursing home than have Tess carrying her to the bathroom.”I don’t want you, I want Victor!” Peppermint Patty yells.
“I know what I want and it’s not this, Theresa,” Patty says.
Back at the Dana Fairbanks Memorial Tavern, Finley’s counting cash when Sophie slips up behind her to give her a sexy squeeze in her sexy Sleeveless Weather Girl outfit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Shane earlier, it’s stupid,” Sophie says, but Finley claims to have spoken to Shane who denied everything, which is a lie. Sophie says maybe Shane’s embarrassed. “Why are you doing this?” Finley asks, and by “this” she means “ruin Finley’s illusion of Shane.” It’s clear she’s decided to idolize Shane and Tess and I think this is likely wrapped up in the idea of Finley searching for role models because she lacks them in her own family but it’s not landing for me, which I’ll get into more later!
Anyhow Finley asks if Sophie also feels ashamed about what she did and this becomes a fight!
Lesbian Squabble #8: You’re Looking Very Shane Today
In the Ring: Finley vs. Sophie
Content:
Finley: “Is that what it felt like for you, with me?”
Sophie: “Um, yeah, I guess, I mean it still does.”
Finley: “So why do you do it?”
Sophie: “It’s not something that I do, I mean I have done it—”
Finley says Sophie cheated on someone with Dani before dating Dani, and then slept with someone while Finley was in rehab, so it’s “kind of a pattern.” She leaves out the part where Sophie cheated on Dani with Finley! That’s not Finley’s responsibility — she was single at the time — but i think if you were a participant in someone cheating on their ex, you sacrifice your right to ride a high pony about it, especially because, regarding the current matter-at-hand…
Sophie hooking up with Dre while Finley was in rehab has clearly upset Finley, which is absolutely okay — but it’s not part of a cheating “pattern,” ’cause it wasn’t cheating!
Sophie: “Is that what you think about when you think about me?
Finley: “No.” [Finley pauses, thinks] “Sometimes.”
Sophie: “Wow, so this is why we’re not having sex.”
Finley: “What? What does this have to do with —”
Sophie: “All of this fucking bullshit is sitting between you and me all the time and you can’t see me, you can only see the people that I’ve fucked and the mistakes that I’ve made and then you look at me like I’m fucking crazy for following the rules that you made up. But I’m here. I’m still here, And I can’t do anything but wait for you to trust me. So tell me Finn, when are you gonna stop punishing me?”
Who Wins? I think Sophie, that was a good little monologue there. But also Rosanny and Jacqueline win Emmys ’cause they killed the scene.
Sophie closes her tab at the bar and a girl wants to buy her a drink but Sophie declines because she has a girlfriend. Look at that! Trustworthy McTrusterson!
Meanwhile in the alley we’ve got ourselves a sex scene!
Lesbian Sexy Moment #4: Road Trip
The Players: Shane and Ivy
The Pick-up: “Don’t worry it’s just me” / “Ah, thank God it’s just you.”
And then: We’ve given the scissors, the ass has been stared at and now they are simply eating each other’s faces and fingers and Shane removes Ivy’s thong, sticks her finger in Ivy’s mouth and then drags it down and then Ivy’s got her hand pressed against the back of the foggy car while Shane’s between her legs AND THEN….
Finley walks outside to take out the trash and sees, clearly now, that Sophie was right.
