It’s time to go day drinking with Kristen Stewart! And Seth Meyers is also here…I suppose. JK, he can stay, because there’s clearly an Autostraddle fan in the Late Night writers room, given how often our headlines show up in one of my favorite recurring segments on the show: Jokes Seth Can’t Tell. In fact, our lesbian vampire films list recently got a shoutout. Another great recurring segment simply features Meyers day drinking with a guest, and Stewart is the perfect candidate! Last night, her day drinking segment aired, and it’s delightful! And gay! So I’m here to break down every minute of it. Watch and follow along, below!

The segment is shot in the Chelsea gay sports bar Boxers, so there’s fittingly lots of gay flags surrounding them while they day drink. We start off with some cocktails inspired by Kristen Stewart films. Here are their recipes:

The Panic Room
1 splash Celsius Energy Drink
An entire espresso martini
1 splash Mountain Dew Kickstart
1 splash Yerba Mate
1 “Xanax” (it’s just a Tic-Tac)

Stewart did proceed to chug what is surely a panic-inducing drink. Some immediately leaked from her mouth. As Meyers put it: Her body rejected it.

Next drink! Meyers admits he hasn’t seen any of the Twilight films, and Stewart seems perfectly content to not talk about them.

Twilight Cocktail
Bloody Mary mix
Raw garlic cloves
Pálinka (the national liqueur of Transylvania)

Stir ingredients with a wooden stake

K.Stew’s review of the drink? “I hate that.”

Next up is a drink inspired by Kristen Stewart’s performance in Spencer.

The Royals
Ice
Crown Royal
Budweiser (the “king” of beers)
A Dairy Queen milkshake
Disney Princess-branded Yogurt

Add everything to a blender and blend.

I’m sorry to say I would try this.

Meyers next pays tribute to Kristen Stewart’s predilection for independent films with a drink caaaaalled:

The Independent Film
A 40 in a paper bag

“Here’s to Personal Shopper,” Seth Meyers says. “Thanks man,” Stewart says. “Pour one out.”

K.Stew is reeeeally feeling the Colt 45 vibe. She loves it! It suits her. I promise I’m not day drinking while writing this. I’m a PROFESSIONAL.

Next, there’s a little good where Meyers mistakenly thinks Stewart played Lizzie Borden in the movie Lizzie. He throws his writers under the bus. Stewart informs him she actually played Lizzie’s “friend” Maggie, and I can’t believe she just gal pal’d her own role!!!!!!!

Meyers invites Stewart to play a little drinking game where she either has to answer questions or take a shot. She also gets to ask him questions. He asks her to name a co-star she’d never work with again, and she informs him she’s not a little bitch and will work with anyone. She takes a shot. She also refuses to read a McDonald’s order in her Spencer accent, opting for a shot.

Stewart asks Meyers if he can remember what she was promoting the last time she was on the show, in 2015. He says he forgot…it was Still Alice…did he actually forget or did he fire off what is perhaps the only Still Alice joke to ever air on television?

Meyers challenges her to do the robot. Kristen Stewart hates dancing, apparently. She also has a good sense of humor about herself, reiterating the joke when Meyers says her robot is The Kristen Stewart Robot, meaning it’s tinged with her signature sort of floppy, shruggy physicality.

Neither of them know what a carburetor is.

In a very me coded moment, Stewart has suddenly done a costume change. She changed into a white t-shirt and says this is what getting drunk with her is like.

In my favorite portion of the segment, Meyers has Stewart read extremely stupid lines of dialogue that I won’t spoil here. He wants her to cold read them and give the incredible performance we’re all used to seeing from her. She’s very intoxicated, so she keeps breaking. Meyers is equally bad at directing. There are actually few things I love more than when great actors act badly. But also one of her line readings here is actually my favorite comedic performance of the year.

In a tribute to Adventureland, they shoot darts at balloons that then reveal things they have to take shots of, including a shot glass of nerds, pickle brine, tequila, water, and prune juice. Stewart tries to headbutt a balloon. Her vibe is very frat boy losing at the beer pong table, and I mean that as an absolute compliment, it’s working for her. “I was innnnnnn a fraternity,” Meyer sing-shouts after taking the Jager Bomb Stewart preps for him.

“Kristen, in addition to you being an accomplished actor,” Meyers says, Stewart trying to speak in unison with him. “You’re also–”

“A lesbian icon,” Stewart finishes for him.

“You are a lesbian icon,” Stewart emphasizes. “That’s right,” Stewart says with a confident shrug.

Which leads to the final part of the segment: Meyers provides Stewart with a bunch of iconic lesbian accessories and asks her to turn him into a lesbian icon. For the first time in Seth Meyers day drinking segment history, it’s: The Lesbian Makeover.

“This is all really dated, dude,” she says while flipping through the rack of clothes and accessories. “I guess it’s all coming back around though, right?” Yes, unfortunately, dyke fashion of the early 2000s is creeping on back, and I hate it!!!!!

Here are the final results of The Lesbian Makeover:

Compliments to the chef AKA Kristen Stewart. She could definitely moonlight as a lesbian stylist. The cuffed sleeve on the jean jacket really takes it to the next level.

Well that was fun! I almost, almost feel like I was right there with them. They should probably issue a PSA saying not to actually drink the Panic Room cocktail though.

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