This Is How We Live, No F*cks to Give: KC Danger’s Guide To Not Giving a F*ck

While “I don’t give a fuck” is usually regarded as a dismissive and potentially offensive remark of nonchalance, it has also become my personal mantra of living. And although not giving a fuck about anything may cause a serious lack of productivity and occasional bouts of unfriendliness, I am slowly but surely learning that it’s not just about not giving a fuck, but rather where and when it is proper for the fucks to be distributed. Come on this journey with me, through no fucks: 2011.

But why shouldn’t we give a fuck, you ask. Don’t we need to. Aren’t these fucks what keeps things in order? Doesn’t the global exchange of fucks and no-fucks make the world go round? Don’t I have a rent to fucking pay? What will happen now to the New York Fuck Exchange?

Stop.

If you are asking these questions, you are already giving too much of a fuck. You see, we are all given a certain amount of fucks to give in one lifetime, and it is up to us as individuals to determine how to distribute them (trust me, I’m a doctor of fuck-giving). Some people call these ‘priorities.’ I call them ‘fucks.’ Improper fuck-distribution leads to such things as unnecessary stress, feelings of futility, existential crises, bad hair days, and perhaps even Seasonal Affective Disorder. In this article, I will seek to teach you proper distribution technique so that you and your loved ones can stop giving ’em (like that) and have more time to give them…like that. Let’s begin.

1. Learn How to Properly Distribute Your Fucks

Tegan and Sara, if you’re reading this right now, I want to request that you record a version of “Where Does the Good Go?” called “Where Do the Fucks Go?” It wouldn’t have to be very elaborate, it would just be like, “Where do you go with your broken heart in tow/What do you do with the leftover…fucks.” If proper fuck-distribution is executed, there will, in fact, be some leftovers. The trick is stepping back for a second and determining whether or not what you’re worrying about is worth your time. Is there a bigger picture?

Example:

I just accidentally bought the wrong kind of cigarettes. They were a little expensive and a little too strong and supposedly they are made for coke heads.

Wrong fucks to give:

“I just spent $10 on something I’m not going to use”
“…Should I smoke them anyway even though I don’t like them?”
“Do I look like a cocaine addict by association?”

Right fucks to give:

“How are my lungs feeling today?”
“How can I improve good lung-feelings in the future?”
“Could I save money if I quit or cut back?”

There are good fucks to give. And if you stick to your fucks, they’ll be beneficial in the long run.

2. All Fucks Must Be Consensual

First, tell that to the GOP. Then, remember that you are in charge of what you care about. That means you do you, girl. YOU DO YOU. When the world tries to load your arms with things you don’t care about, you turn around and you say “Yo, I can’t carry no more of these fucks, y’all!”

A lesbian told me that a lesbian told her, “Stop fucking with women. Focus on school, and getting a good job. Bitches love money. You need to provide.”

If you want to be a baller so you can provide for your woman and pop bottles and buy nice things for your cat, then this is something you should give a fuck about.

If you don’t, then you can amend it to something like this, as said lesbian later did: “Bitches want someone who is independent and focused. Which I am.”

Sometimes the world tells you that you’re not pretty/handsome or you’re not doing enough or that you’re not successful without money, but you know what’s important to you, or you’re figuring it out. Queer lady poet Andrea Gibson said “I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass.”

Translation: Ain’t no one taking your fucks if you don’t wanna give ’em.

Set them goals. Do what you want ’cause I know you can do it well.

3. Give Fucks…Like That

This is here because an article that uses the word ‘fuck’ so many times should obviously have a reference to sex and/or masturbation. Go ahead, have an orgasm. Give someone else one. This is about sharing. I’ll wait. I wasn’t kidding when I said you do you. Or her. DON’T STOP GET IT GET IT.

Fuck Yo’ Mean Mug
So 50 Cent and Soulja Boy have this song called “Mean Mug,” and I think it’s actually about popping gats and fornicating with hos or something like that (see above) but I like to think that it’s about staying positive in the face of adversity. Also, for a really long time, I thought they were saying “Fuck your meme up,” which I thought was surprisingly hilarious and relevant. But they weren’t.

The point is, don’t let the haters get you down. Haters gonna hate, it’s in their job description. Do not, I repeat, do not give a fuck about your haters. Whether your primary hater is your boss, your client, your customer, your mom, your crazy ex-girlfriend, or your crazy ex-girlfriend’s mom, just remember, you don’t have time for that. You’re out there doin’ you and maybe doin’ some other people, and they just need to stop being so concerned about it.

For instance, here is a conversation I imagine at least once a day:

Me: Wait, so, you really don’t know who killed Jenny?
Ilene Fucking Chaiken: Nope.
Me: Really?
IFC: Nope, I really don’t.
Me: Was it maybe Sounder II?
IFC: Maybe, I’m really not sure.
Me: Wow, that’s…that’s really terrible. How can you do that? How can you leave us like that?
IFC: Katrina, my apprentice, do you see that box across the room? Go and open it. What’s inside?
Me: Nothing, it’s empty.
IFC: Exactly. That’s the box where I store all the fucks I give.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Fuck It Up

I know how it feels. That burdensome feeling of caring way too much about way too little. That horrifying moment where things are going well, and suddenly one little thing goes wrong and you feel ALL THE FUCKS rushing into the room all at once. All at once! I shudder even now at the thought. But sometimes there’s just nothing to be done about it. It’s like crying over spilled milk: what’s done is done, there’s nothing left to do but clean it up and apologize to the cow.

Seriously though, accepting that shit happens or that shit happened and letting it go is absolutely life-changing if you can stick to it. In keeping with the theme, the great philosopher Kanye West says, “Fuck the past, make love to the future.” And even though he sometimes says things like “I would like to thank Julius Caesar for originating my hairstyle” and/or “Put the pussy in the sarcophagus,” the man is right.

Let’s examine a case.

Perhaps you made a New Year’s resolution like, “go to the gym more” or “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.” It’s February now, and maybe you’re in bed under eight comforters in your gym clothes looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.

Giving a fuck: I am a failure. Where is my pint of ice cream? There’s no point in trying to do this. I’m just going to sit here with my girlfriend, The Internet, and become an e-cat lady.

Not giving a fuck: That cat looks great in that hoodie. I bet I look pretty great in this gym hoodie. Fuck New Year’s resolutions, I’m gonna start today!

So what are we talking about when we talk about not giving a fuck?

Giving no fucks is more than blowing things off. It means living outside boundaries. I’m not going to tell you to blow off all your obligations or forget your priorities, but I am going to ask you to stop giving a fuck about what’s bringing you down or holding you back. Do not give a fuck about the following:

1. Failing or taking risks
2. Worrying about expectations
3. Being afraid to question things or people or even yourself
4. Not knowing
5. Embarrassing yourself
6. Your shoes not matching your belt (but big up if they do!)
7. Being different (everyone gives a fuck in their own way)

And don’t put too much pressure on yourself! Let’s be real here, no matter what decisions you make, no one will promise you that things will work out in just ‘that way.’ There will always be outside factors, and sometimes ‘it gets better’ is something that’s only relevant when trying to live through your hangover. Maybe it does get better. Sometimes it doesn’t. Don’t give a fuck about things you can’t control.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you limes, do tequila shots. When life tries to give you fucks, you slap those fucks right out life’s hands and you tell life:

5. This is how we live, no fucks to give.


Good luck, fuck-givers. Y’all are beautiful.

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phoenix

phoenix has written 64 articles for us.

87 Comments

  3. “Exactly. That’s the box where I store all the fucks I give.” Lmfao that had me cracking up. Great way to start the day. Also, I think way too many ppl give a fuck and don’t know how to stop so great article!

  6. So much truth in this article :) I always feel like i’m riding on a wave of apathy but I think it’s actually just selective fuck-giving.

  7. My number one feeling about “when life gives you limes, do tequila shots” is as follows:
    “do you want a line?”
    “a what?”
    “a LIME, she said do you want a LIME.”

    I love you.

    • my general feeling in regards to tequila is that there’s always room for just one more shot.

      also, the part about buying the wrong cigs needs to stop being a reoccurring theme in your life katrina lol

      this really is the life we live.

  10. I actually am in bed under eight comforters in my gym clothes looking at pictures of cats! I’m not giving a fuck, but that pint of ice cream sounds pretty good anyway.

    Also, this article for the motherfucking WIN.

  11. hey thanks for that, Katrina. my day had been pretty wack this morning, but now i give way less of a fuck.

    seriously. i photocopied my face on the office copier. four times. that’s how much of a fuck I don’t give.

    • I wish I could give you a candygram for each time you photocopied your face. I’d dress up as Santa and be all
      “FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO! And none for Gretchen Weiners because I don’t give a fuck. Bye.”

  12. This article, this year and especially right now, is EXACTLY what I needed. Zen for everybody ^–^
    Love it.

  16. Not giving a fuck should come natural… If you come across something that you could care less about for example, the super bowl, men, your late homework or even lady gaga releasing her new single. channel those fucks and give a extra fuck about things that you already give a fuck about example, your kill death ratio on Black ops, the girl you met at the bar not calling, dirt on your sneakers, your socks matching. Then that fuck will be more powerful because it has another fuck backing it up. :-)

  19. thank you. what I needed.
    First I was like “no but I want to give my fucks, all of them, this is important and shows I am a somewhat intelligent human being who cares for feelings blah”
    but then I pledged to reading this article twice.a.day.
    and stop giving random fucks in any situation what so ever.

    don’t stop get it get it.

    also, I sent this article to a friend who then wrote me this reply:
    die Unbesiegbare21:21
    Perhaps you made a New Year’s resolution like, “go to the gym more” or “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”
    “spend less time looking at pictures of cats on the Internet.”

    …think she wants to tell me something…

  22. I totally asked riese how ‘not to give a f*ck’ on formspring and now I see this! Reason #392 why I give a f*ck about autostraddle.

  23. The other day I asked myself, Self, is it wrong that I use the phrase “I don’t give a fuck” more than “please” and “thank you?”

    I think I just got my answer.

  26. This is how I feel about life every fucking day. Thank you for putting it into words and sharing the love.

  31. Best. Article. Ever.

    And fuck yes I look good in this stylin’ green zip-up hoodie! I’m going to the gym RIGHT NOW! Or, maybe tomorrow morning.. :)

  36. This article is right on time.

    Actual conversation I had this week:

    Me: Do you like my cologne? I read about it on this lesbian website and decided to try it.
    Her: Isn’t that a men’s cologne?
    Me: Yeah.
    Her(verbatim): Are you trying to reinforce a stereotype? Cuz I get it, you’re gay.
    Later…
    Her: I’m just saying, it’s going to be even more obvious you’re gay if you wear men’s cologne.
    Me (verbatim): I don’t give a fuck.

  37. I am going to call bullshit on this post. For the simple reason that i wish I had given a fuck. Giving a fuck is really what makes the world go around

    A better title for this should have been: How To Give Two Shits

    I wish i had.

    I didn’t give a fuck about anything. I didn’t give a fuck if I did well in college. I didn’t give a fuck if i got caught drunk driving or helping an old lady across the street. I didn’t give a fuck if I put my underwear on the right way. i didn’t give a fuck if someone peed in my cornflakes. The fuck I could not give about who killed jenny would blow your mind. The litany of fucks i could not give was quite astounding.

    I thought it made me cool.

    Nope.

    Again, bullshit.

    Here I sit unemployed because I didn’t do horrible enough in college to ensure I should have done it again but not well enough to merit a second glance. I should have given a fuck.

    Girls tell me I should give a fuck about them. Looking back there were a couple I should have given a fuck about.

    Not giving a shit is for the young with no retrospective. I am going to have to shake hands with 30 soon. Since 30 is a way more frosty embrace than 10 or 20, I have decided to give a shit.

    I am going to give a shit about me and the people I care for. I am going to give a shit about my grades and the money I make. If I give a shit, than those around me will give a shit about me and what i give a shit about. How much I am going to give a shit is going to blow your mind. It is going to change the world.

    However, I will never give a shit about Irene Fucking Chaiken.

    • “I am slowly but surely learning that it’s not just about not giving a fuck, but rather where and when it is proper for the fucks to be distributed. ”

      The article isn’t all about apathy, it’s about taking a step back and thinking about what deserves your attention, your “fucks” or “shits,” you mental and emotional energy.

      And it sounds like the shits you currently give/ are going to give equate with the right kind of fucks to give.

  38. “this is the box where I keep all the fucks I give.” I am drunk in Scotland and that’s pretty much perfect.

  41. I don’t give fucks so much that I had DILLIGAF tattooed on my wrist.

    No…seriously.

    Can’t tell you how many people look at me like I’m crazy.

  42. I had to read this twice before I understood it…but now, I want to print it out and put in on my bathroom mirror.

  44. i was just asking my self if i should give a fuck about something that i just found out and i was thinking about it when i checked AS and it turns out i got my answer so I DONT GIVE A FUCK :) thanks i needed help on that i feel beter as always after reading a artical

  48. I was just giving a fuck about something/someones that don’t deserved to be given a fuck about. Then I read this article and now I feel better. I’m going to print this out,frame it, and hang it above my bed.
    Better yet, I’m going to go out and get “I just don’t give a fuck” tattooed on my arm and show it to people who try to fuck with my mind.

  49. I was all ready to get on board with some cynical hipster apathy and by the bottom of the page I was inspired and fired up, ready to make a priorities chart and attack those mother fuckers – wait, what just happened?!

  50. Hah. Ilene Fucking Chaiken. What a loser. I have an empty box for all the fucks I give about her next project, no matter how she manages to insert “the L Word” into it somehow.

  51. This is the best thing I have ever read. I’m amending the phrase, ‘stuff your sorries in a sack” to ‘stuff your fucks in a sack’.

  52. this just made my life.
    the fucks i give–a few, the fucks i should give–a few, the fucks i dont, nor will ever give–infinite.

  53. In two weeks I’m starting 3rd year at Uni, so I needed this.
    In 2011, I pledge to stop giving a fuck about the possibility of failing, and instead concentrate those fucks on actually enjoying learning (i.e the whole purpose of my being there seriouslywhatthefuck2010).

    “Seriously though, accepting that shit happens or that shit happened and letting it go is absolutely life-changing if you can stick to it.”

    <3

  55. I was reading this article with the laptop on my kitchen countertop, making fresh cut salsa for my Valentine’s Day Extravaganza, thinking about how much this article coincides with my very recent self-enforced chill-out.

    I just got laid off for the month of March. FUNEMPLOYMENT EXTRAVAGANZA. The 2010 me would have cried and gotten hysterical. The February 2011 me is just excited about my upcoming trips to Edmonton and Montreal from Victoria.

    Then I realized, I am chopping tomatoes while reading and I should give a fuck if I cut my fingers off. I need them for things. :-)

  56. This article is totes fucking awesome and an absolutely accurate embodiment of my resolutions to myself from this year forward. I abso-fucking-lutely don’t give two fucks regarding unnecessary and stressful shit (and people whom can also be categorized as useless and stressful shits). Thank ye for this :)

  58. hey kcdanger remember that time we had this whole conversation and then you spilled the ashtray all over my bed? it’s ok. i think of that moment many times during each day of my life to remind myself about what is and what is not fuck-worthy. the ashtray is ok!

  60. HERES THE THING
    Now, whenever I get on the road and get enraged at the crap drivers I do not close my eyes since you know, driving, dangerous to close eyes, the ushe, so I keep my eyes open and visualize my box of fucks. I visualize it well and think no, I will not open my box for you.
    And then I feel less rage.
    SO
    THANK YOU!

  63. YESSSSS.

    This article is the shit, I live my life with no fucks given, but sometimes I think I’m doing it wrong, but this confirms that I’m doing it right. I like being right :)

  64. Ok guys, I was in Wicker Park drinking last night with another lovely autostraddler (yo-ren-ishii) and while walking back to her car we started yelling “NO FUCKS TO GIVE!!!”

    Just wanted to share how we were influenced by this post.

  65. Yeah! that’s me. Till i remember, i never have fucks to give. In fact some of my friends always says that the song that describes me is “don’t worry be happy” haha!

    That rule is not applicable on my siste however

  66. Reading this in August…I guess it’s never too late to start not giving a fuck!

    This article wins at life.

  67. hello katrina this was amazing so thank you. also i blogged about it a little. it can be summarized as follows: i met you, i failed to kiss your face an appropriate amount because i was starstruck because i have a writercrush on riese, but i’m so sorry and now i would like to give you ALL of my fucks.

  68. Perfect article. My favorite phrase for the past 6 months: Fuck A Bunch of Dumb Shit! ie…I’m not giving you my fucks.

  69. Came back to this after reading the Jill/Giles article and it is still as relevant/brilliant as the first time I read it.

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