Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Qualifying Rounds And Cupcake Butts

WOMEN’S SWIMMING

100 METER BUTTERFLY (USA DANA VOLLMER- GOLD!)
400 METER FREESTYLE RACE (USA ALLISON SCHMITT- SILVER)

Brandy: Olympics Sunday Night. Ladies swimming!

Julie: Spandex and one pieces and little boobs.

Brandy: This guy keeps saying it’s important that they be in adjacent lanes. I wonder why that matters.

Julie: Hmm. I dunno. In fact what does adjacent mean?

Brandy: Next to each other. I guess these are all just qualifying rounds to get to the ultimate race for the medals.

Julie: Ohhh..so the Americans could be one and 2 against each other. 15 years old!? From Lithuania…Liesel. Get outta there.

Brandy: Omg! And she started crying. That was cute.

Julie: That was cute. In fact I’d like to see more crying. There hasn’t been enough.

Julie: Isn’t it weird that some people will experience the Olympics and getting medals…We never will.

Brandy: Yeah and then they’ll end up like Bruce Jenner.

Julie: Well at least we could still end up like that without a medal.

Brandy: Shit. You’re right.

Julie: A trodden down, face-lifted shell of a man. Nacho is playing with the Chik-Fil-A cow again. Maybe I could get a good pic of him killing it and it will become part of the Chik-Fil-A gay movement. And it can be another thing I don’t make money on.

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Julie:

Brandy: He needs to be the posterdog for butt-fucking Chik-Fil-A.

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Brandy: I wonder if the swimmers ever come up with boogs in their nose.

Julie: It shouldn’t, but watching this makes me wanna smoke.

Brandy: You should have a cigarette. In honor of Amurica.

Julie: She has def boogs.

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Brandy: We should watch Nadia this week. See if it’s on Netflix. It’s so eighties and as a kid I only cared about the part when she was a kid with her bff. I rewound and rewatched that part all day long. But now I’ll be able to appreciate when she’s older and bulimic.

Julie: Is that a documentary?

Brandy: It’s a movie. Like a Lifetime movie.

Julie: Ohhhhh. Well then ok. Yes pahlease. I never saw that.

Brandy: It’s SO good!

Julie: God if just one boob would pop out it’d be legendary. But they are IN there. I enjoy how they splash themselves before going in like an old Jewish lady getting into the pool.

Brandy: Their armpits kinda look like tits.

Julie: And their tits look like armpits.

Brandy: You can imagine a nipple on there and see if you find that erotic.

Julie: Armpit nipple.

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Julie: If Serena and Venus Williams made the water costumes it’d be much more exciting.

Brandy: Yes. These look WEIRD.

the best costumes for a day in the water, duh

Julie: When I’m not fat I think I’ll have a weird thick necked swimmers body. And I don’t swim. I can barely breathe.

Brandy: This girl is 16 and I just want to shake her and say, “Don’t put that thing on your nose! You’re gonna fuck your nose up! Do you really want to live with a smooshed nose for the rest of your life Missy??”

Julie: Why what happens to the nose?

Brandy: Literally her name is Missy. She put some air thing on it to squeeze it shut.

Julie: Oh right – well she can’t live with herself if boogs come out. Wow she came in first.

Brandy: Yay! First or nothing at alllllllll!

Julie: First or nothing at all. Blam.

Brandy: Rachel Bootsma is up! Bootsma. What an interesting last name.

Julie: They’re all fucking with their suits. I swear whoever is making these things is just wrong. Bootsmmba. Is it Jewish?

Brandy: Ha! Bootsman? Bootsstein?

Julie: I wonder if Booger is someone’s last name.

Brandy: Boogerstein?

Julie: Hah boogerberg.

Brandy: Yes. Goldbooger.

Julie: Boogerman. Boogerbaum.

Brandy: Lichtenboog.

Julie: Haha..! LIpbooger. Hebrewbooger. Lichtenboog! Hahahaha. Mordechai Lichtenboog.