Julie and Brandy Do the Olympics: Qualifying Rounds And Cupcake Butts

Ed. Note: Julie and Brandy usually only watch movies so they can lay down some executive lesbian realness (hey), but then Julie heard that some Olympic events were sorta gay and/or involved cute uniforms, and apparently Brandy is a fan of gymnastics (who knew?), so they tossed aside their general disdain for sports and sat down to see what the big deal was. 

It was all live-chatted for posterity and of course, your enjoyment. Here’s what happened.

all images by intern geneva

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OPENING CEREMONY

Julie: I made popcorn and put yeast on it. Its OHkay.

Brandy: Air popcorn?

Julie: Nope. I used oil. But very little. I was so curious.

Brandy: Did you salt it too? The nooch needs salt.

Julie: The nooch?

Brandy: Nutritional yeast. The vegans call it nooch.

Julie: Ohhh OHHHH. Well go look at yourself. You are half a vegan already.

WOMEN’S VOLLEYBALL: USA vs KOREA

Brandy: Han Song Yi looks like GoGo from Kill Bill 2. Like- she looks just like her. Is there someone on the USA team named Destiny Hooker?? Jesus.

Julie: Whoa she really does. Destiny Hooker. Destiny Hooker. I’m already confused and annoyed.

Brandy: Me too.

Julie: I can’t find Destiny.

Brandy: They said Destiny Hooker was a high jump champ, too. That’s pretty genius. She’s the one killing it. And being way better than everyone else. And it says Hooker on her jersey.

Julie: She got a butt pat. Are there more lesbians in soccer or volleyball? They’re all so skinny. It’s like praying mantises playing.

Brandy: So fit and sooooooo tall. Oh- it’s spelled Destinee Hooker. My family was on Family Feud before I was born and they played a family called Hookers. And it was the Howards against the Hookers. I wonder if it was her family.

Julie: Is it on youtube?

Brandy: I wish.

Julie: I’m looking right now.

Julie: Nacho is farting. I never liked volleyball. Everyone always wants to play it in the pool.

Brandy: I’m farting too. Playing it in the pool is so dorky!

Julie: Do you think the volleyball players are farting? I do. I imagine little farts come out when they’re pushing it.

Brandy: How many on the team do you think are lez?

Julie: Mmm. Funny you should ask. I was trying to do the math…I think volleyball could be less lez than soccer. I’m gonna say half. Golf: 80 percent. While soccer I will say is 75 percent. Softball: 85 percent. Basketball: 90 percent.

Brandy: I’ll trust the expert.

Julie: Now this is from someone who never watches or enjoys sports. Or lesbians.

Brandy: That girl Logan Tom definitely seems lez.

Julie: Logan Tom – yeah. Teah. T. Davis seems lez. I wonder which Koreans are lez.

Brandy: Ground control to Logan Tom. I wonder if anyone ever says that to her. I love when they all touch each other’s butts erotically.

Brandy: Nicole Davis seems uber lez. And she has the Olympic rings tattooed on the back of her neck.

Julie: Ohh maybe they’re the rainbow pride rings. I love when they scream. Very aggressive and taunting…Butt pat butt pat butt pat good job good job good job I love you I’ve always loved you good job…

Brandy: All I do is stare at their thighs and wait for them to touch each other’s butts. Even the Koreans do it. I don’t even know what’s happening in the game.

Julie: Me too. Me too…how about less volleyball more butt touching… Sensual butt handling.

Brandy: The US would get the Gold in Sensual Butt Handling.

Julie: Ball is over the net!! Andddd…group hug, gentle supportive embrace, sensual butt handling, slight back graze,…and back to 1.

sensual butt handling medal results

Julie: I always wanted to play a sport where I wore goggles because I’m cautious and aggressive all at once.

Brandy: Let’s fast forward to the end and see who wins.

Julie: Okay.

Brandy: We won! Basically what I came away with from watching this is: these girls have no cellulite. And Logan Tom and Tama Miyashiro are my faves.

Julie: I came away with sensual butt handling. And ground control to Logan Tom.

Brandy: Ahhaaah!

Julie: Well great.