Today, the total solar eclipse will make its way across North America, starting on Mexico’s Pacific coast and then arcing up and across the US for the rest of the day. A solar eclipse occurs when the moon (who is gay) moves herself in front of the sun’s light, taking just a few moments of the sun’s sparkle for herself, and — in the case of a total solar eclipse — embraces the sun in her entirety, causing a few minutes of daytime darkness here on Earth.

In the distant past, humans — gay and straight alike — interpreted eclipses as omens or signs from the gods, or, at times, the actions of gods themselves. There’s even an instance where a total solar eclipse was said to have stopped a battle and ended a war in the 500s B.C.E. While some people think it might just be a Very Good Story, I wouldn’t put it past lesbian lovers to stop a war and find a way to peace…through intimidating the heck out of a bunch of men with their love-making.

Because, yes, I am here to propose a hypothesis that we can test today, should we be observing the total solar eclipse. I, personally, will be watching the eclipse from Buffalo, NY where I will ask: is the sun a lesbian and are the moon and the sun, then, having lesbian sex — and if so, dear reader, ARE THEY SCISSORING? I believe the sun is a lesbian, yes, because her passion burns with the heat of…well…the fucking sun. She’s loyal, she’s hot, she u-hauled with Earth and the rest of the solar system long ago, and she’s the ultimate gardener if you think about it. So, assuming that the moon is indeed also queer (we do assume), then this event is akin to the celestial bodies making their way to the bedroom…right in front of us!

But can they scissor without legs? Are moonbeams legs? Are sun-rays legs? (They are, or are something like it.) And if so, is there an infinite cosmic scissoring unfolding? Is this why we must avert our eyes? Why can’t I stare directly into this queer hol[e]y glory making itself visible over the city that brought us Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold, our Editor in Chief, and myself?

In final defense of my pretty decent proposal, “Total Eclipse of the Heart” is one of my go-to karaoke songs. In part, this is because I will never forget singing karaoke at one of my first-ever lesbian bar experiences. I was nineteen or twenty and shaking in my boots up there, but do you know what the older dykes in the bar did? They didn’t laugh, or even ignore me. No, they all sang along. So, whether you’re peering at the eclipse alone out in the woods, hand in hand with your partner, or surrounded by a crowd of people on a hillside, know that, together, we’re all watching lesbian sex, and yes, they are surely, solarly scissoring.

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