Welcome to Interviews With My Ex-Girlfriend, in which Autostraddle writers get back in touch with their ex-girlfriends to ask them Five Simple Questions:
- How long did we date?
- Why did we break up?
- What did you learn from our relationship?
- What do you miss most about me?
- Would you invite me to your wedding (why/why not)?
In 2010, I had an internship in Toronto and there was a girl in my department (after we started dating I referred to her as my boss, but she was not having it) who had long curly hair and wore excellent dresses and had many books about gay politics on her shelves. At the end of the summer I moved back to my city and she moved to it for school, and we went on sexually tense friend dates until she invited me over and got me drunk and kissed me with very enthusiastic consent, and then a year and a bit later we moved to a new city and in together. And then a year and a bit after that we broke up for so, so many reasons.
2011
Carolyn: Okay, so the questions Autostraddle is making me ask you start with: How long were we together, and when?
Jenna: January 4th, 2011, to October 19th, 2013. That is two years and ten months.
Carolyn: How did you count before I told you that date in my email?
Jenna: January? I wouldn’t have said a date, I would have just said the beginning of January.
Carolyn: I feel like I didn’t actually – because I looked at our early Facebook messages – and I don’t think I said something like “Is it okay if I call your my girlfriend?” until February, maybe, but it felt like you were my girlfriend from that night we were both really hungover and went out and then Robyn was on that television in that bar.
Jenna: That’s right! She was! And it was a sports bar.
Carolyn: It was that awful – Trois Brasseurs. Because we went to Starbucks, and you were really hung over and I was just so hung over, and I don’t think either of us were sure that we were going to make it to a bar, or that that would be a good idea, but then we went, and anyway, I definitely count from there.
Okay number two. Why did we break up?
Jenna: We wanted different things.
Carolyn: That is a good answer.
Jenna: It’s pretty accurate.
Carolyn: I mean we could get more complex but it’s very summative. I mean, I don’t know, what do you tell people?
Jenna: I don’t know, do you want to get more specific? For the general readership? We wanted different things, well what does that mean? For example, I’m a more monogamous type of person, whereas you are not.
Carolyn: That is indeed the case. And I, it turns out, am even more kinky than I had previously imagined, and you are less so, and so and thus.
Jenna: Where’d you get that expression?
Carolyn: What expression? “So and thus”? Oh! I think it was in a book. [Ed note: turns out it’s from my current girlfriend, oops.] I also tell people it was because you wanted kids and I don’t, and you couldn’t figure that out in the context of our relationship because with me it was never going to be an option.
Jenna: Yeah, I don’t think I realized how much I at least wanted the possibility of kids on the table until it wasn’t, you know? So that was definitely a factor.
Carolyn: Yeah. The third question, to continue this train of slight awkwardness, is: what do you miss the most about me?
Jenna: There are a couple things. For example, when we would watch TV together, Buffy or something, you would get really into it, and into what was going to happen, and you would have all these crazy wild theories about what was going to happen and they were totally ridiculous and never actually going to come true, which was funny.
Carolyn: That’s a really cute thing to miss!
Jenna: It was just so adorable! And all of the things you would come up with, and I would go [eye roll], yeah, maybe that’ll happen.
Carolyn: Buffy just has so many wild cards. I can rewatch episodes and still do that to myself in my head a little bit because I forget what happens, especially with seasons I’ve seen less of.
Jenna: I also miss us going to bookstores. That’s a bummer. We would go to used bookstores and go to coffee.
Carolyn: That is definitely one of my things as well. Also I miss talking to you about books more. Like, you have so many good recommendations, and I just don’t have someone else who gives me really good recommendations that are specifically to my taste, or adjacent to my taste. If this is the venn diagram of my taste and yours [elaborate Skype hand gestures], there’s a good chunk of overlap between us.
Jenna: I mean, I think there are some genres of books that I like more, but I just read The Interestings because you liked it. I liked it, I think I gave it four stars on Goodreads, but I didn’t give it five and I wouldn’t give it five — I thought it dragged a little bit.
Carolyn: Yeah, it does. If I had not read it while I was trying to not throw up on a plane and doing other things, I think I would have liked it less.
Jenna: Actually I read part of it on a plane too, from Whitehorse to Vancouver. And we were delayed for an hour and a half.
[Five minutes of plane and airport talk redacted.]
Transparent excuse for a kitten photo.
Carolyn: I also miss how smart you are. Just about everything. And having that as a daily presence.
Jenna: I don’t feel smart at all.
Carolyn: But your brain is so neat, and I really like the way you think about things, and the critical thought you give to things. Which is a thing that I also do. I miss your brain a lot.
Jenna: Aw, thanks! In a lot of ways we were really good company for each other. In a lot of ways we were really really terrible, but who else can I sit and read with? And, sharing a cider. I miss being able to share a cider.
Carolyn: I don’t drink wine at home because I miss having someone to drink the other three quarters of the bottle. So I open the bottle, and I have two glasses total, and I freeze the rest so if I cook it’s there, but it’s not the same.
Jenna: I mean, now I drink a bottle over a few days, and that’s fine, but it’s always more than I want. And I have not had vegan pizza since you left.
Carolyn: That’s big. I still tell people about that pizza.
Jenna: I guess I could get it without olives and with extra sweet potatoes or something. It just feels like – I don’t know. I just haven’t gotten it. So there’s that. That sucks.
Carolyn: I also miss eating together. I mean I live on my own and I’m trying to cook, but I’m still not aggressively good at it, and so I end up eating exclusively an onion sautéed with broccoli for eight days straight, because there’s no one else around.
Jenna: I miss cooking for someone too. I don’t cook for myself as much as I used to cook for us, because I can make something and it’ll last all week.
Carolyn: I’ve done one Get Baked since we broke up.
Jenna: I wondered about that. And whose kitchen that was!
Carolyn: It was Shannon’s. My usual greens and eggs are not internet material. Okay I’m gonna do question four, because my battery has 33 minutes remaining. What about our relationship impacted your later relationships?
Jenna: This question doesn’t really apply to me right now because I haven’t had any other relationships. But I think that it maybe helped me know a little bit more what I want in a relationship, and I think that I would be much more into establishing up front that we wanted similar things. Whether long term or not. Even if that means I’m just a middle aged lady alone with a cat.
Carolyn: First of all, 35 is not middle aged. Second of all, Rupert is awesome.
Jenna: I’m totally middle aged.
Carolyn: Not yet. Also you still get carded all the time, so.
Jenna: But, you know, I don’t know how much casual dating I really want to do. I’ve done that. And it doesn’t really make me feel that good. Anyway. So I think probably, trying to get what I want on the table to start. It’s hard to say.
Carolyn: What about that person you told me about?
Jenna: That was just a mistake that kind of kept happening.
Carolyn: Okay, number five: Would you at this juncture invite me to your wedding? Why, slash why not?
Jenna: I haven’t been on a date, so. I can’t even conceive of going on a date. Think of how many queer people there are in Ottawa. So it’s very hard for me to think of a place where I would be getting married. I mean, presumably if I was getting married, then it would depend on the type of wedding I were going to have and where it was. Ideally it would be just my parents, and their parents, and [my best friend]. But if it were bigger – maybe? Depending on the size of the theoretical wedding? This is a weird question.
Carolyn: I feel like this might actually be a friendship question? These are the only questions I have to ask you so maybe the point is to figure out where we are now.
Jenna: I mean, I just started changing the house, except for the bedroom, which I changed right away. I just bought new things and started thinking about moving things around on the walls, and that was [July]. And also I filled out the office so it’s not just this empty room.
Is there anything else you want to ask me about our former relationship for the Internet to read?
Carolyn: I mean, is there anything I should ask you about our former relationship for the internet to read?
Jenna: I don’t really think so.
Carolyn: Is there anything I should ask you for the internet to not read?
Jenna: Well…
Carolyn: What if I ask you, would you at this juncture allow me to look after the cat we got together about a year ago?
Jenna: Yes. I know you’d take good care of him.
Since this interview in July, I have cat sat for Rupert twice. He only sort of destroyed my laptop power cord.
I feel like the look after the cat question is almost better than the wedding question?
this is a very sweet interview carolyn and it made me really emotional to read, two thumbs up, would read again
thank you rachel <3
This is adorable, <3 The pizza situation made me a little sad, though.
The worst part is the bakery the pizza comes from now no longer makes it because, inconceivably, there wasn’t enough demand. RIP best dietary-restriction-abiding pizza of my life.
This interview is really sweet. I hope if I interviewed my ex-girlfriend it would go something like this. (:
did you guys share curly hair products
yes obvs
This was so sweet and sorta sad and also the first of these conversations that I could read myself into, so to speak. Missing somebody’s brain is totally a thing. And the cooking thing. And all these things. (This isn’t to say that I didn’t LOVE the other conversations; I just didn’t relate in the same way.)
Also, this conversation felt like so much was being left unsaid (for the readers, at least). It felt kinda… taut and pregnant with feeling.
It’s late where I am and I’ve had little sleep. Oops.
Right on. It really resonated with me because there was so much feeling that was acknowledged and maybe not laughed off so much as some of the other interviews.
Its almost too real, but in a way that I want to keep reading about because I feel it too.
I’ve read all of these so far, and today I finally gave in and conducted an interview in my head with two of my ex-boyfriends, an ex-friend-with-benefits-boy (the benefits ended a couple years before the friendship though) and an ex-platonic-friend-boy. The results were… sobering. Though obviously I’m not friends with the ex-friends, so the last question was a bit of a gimme. And I did cheat a bit by pretending they were asking the questions of me :)
This was really great though, Carolyn, thank you for sharing it with us!
I love this and I love you.
Ugh you are so cute hi.
hey girl
Wow. This had me feeling lots of things about my past and current relationships.
I feel like I did at the end of (500) days of summer.
So adorable and cute and sad all at the same time. I really love that you shared curly hair products. And the cat question.
This was lovely and sweet and refreshingly honest. Thanks for sharing it with the internet!
this was sweet and a little sad and that was quite nice
AND HERE I THOUGHT THE LACK OF GET BAKEDS WAS ‘CAUSE IT WAS ONLY A TIER 2 ON THE PER-POST PAY SCALE
To me, this is the one that has felt the most…bittersweet maybe? Like there were so many good things and it almost, ALMOST could have worked? But just couldn’t. I have been there.
I found this funny and heartbreaking.
This is really sweet and I really enjoy reading these interview posts
<3 <3 <3
this made my heart strings twang more than the other ones in this series so far (which have made me giggle and sigh, and that has been great too). touching.
ugh, this is so sweet. and also, that photo of you is ace, carolyn.
This is, as everyone has already said, both sweet and a little sad. But mostly sweet. And now I want sweet potato pizza.
Official request that Tinkerbell interview Rupert…
“I miss your brain.”
Sigh.
Guys! Too soon, surely?! One year seems to afford nil enough perspective for a lengthy live-in relationship to be undergoing a post mortem for all the internet to see…
how bittersweet! Yeah, also i’m v curious about sweet potato pizza
It looked like this! It was more vegan pizza that happened to have bits of sweet potato on it (which I gave away in exchange for olives), along with a ton of kale/mushrooms/roasted garlic/tomatoes/other vegetables.
as everyone has previously stated, this was sweet and sad. And I really love that photo of you two. Yay cats.
“In a lot of ways we were really good company for each other. In a lot of ways we were really really terrible, but who else can I sit and read with? And, sharing a cider. I miss being able to share a cider.”
This interview and the bittersweetness of it reminded me a lot of how close my former girlfriend and I still kind of were after breaking-up and some time of healing – even though both of us were (and are) in new relationships. I’m friends with her, still, but because of the terrible, terrible parts I tend to undervalue nowadays what made us good together back then, I sometimes think. Or it might be a necessary part of moving on. I never truly thought about it, before. Thank you very much for sharing, Carolyn and Jenna.
There is so much tangible love there, I can’t help but hope that maybe, at some point in the future.. But relationships end for a reason. You two are absolutely lovely and will find others to love.