Let’s imagine something together, just for a second. It’s a gorgeous early summer Sunday, and you’ve decided to treat yourself to an iced latte instead of fumbling with your not-very-good drip setup at home. You walk into your local coffee shop and tell the cute barista with a patchwork sleeve you’d like an iced latte, please. They peer over their wire-rimmed glasses, look you up and down, noting the Sappho hat and stickers on your emotional support water bottle, and ask what kind of milk you want. “Oat, almond, soy…?” They wait expectantly, until you whisper the one word they never saw coming: “Dairy.”
That’s every Sunday for me, and frankly, I’m over it (my wallet is over the weekly iced latte habit also, but that’s besides the point). I’m here to declare that I’m a whole milk gay, and I’m not ashamed.
I want to make it clear that I’m not an alt milk hater! I know that alt milks have quite literally changed the game for people with milk allergies or lactose sensitivities, or for people who choose not to consume dairy. In fact, I’m glad alt milks exist. I just don’t understand how, seemingly overnight, they became queer, and my beloved dairy milk was relegated to the sidelines, forced to become a milk of yore.
I turned to TikTok in the hopes of getting an explanation, but in lieu of one, I only got further evidence of the queer community in Big Oat’s pockets: (1) the knowledge that the (supposedly) gayest drink is a lavender oat milk iced latte, and (2) the following video, which did make me cackle.
@sapphosaveme no oat, no allyship😭🌈 #pride #coffee #barista #latte #oatmilk #gay #lgbt #queer #wlw #viral #funny #baristalife #foryou #food #queer #fyp #sad #lol
I’ve tried my best to like alternative milks! I really have. I’ve had what I’m told are the creme de la creme: the Chobanis, the Oatlys, the Califias of the world. I’ve even tried to make my own oat milk, by blending oats and maple syrup and water, and feeding the resulting mixture through cheesecloth. Honestly, it was a lot of work, and the resulting milk tasted kind of like a goopy, thick oatmeal.
But you know what? I’m done pretending. It’s time to embrace what I’ve always known to be true. I’m a whole milk gay. It’s time to stop looking furtively around before taking some cow-made tradmilk off the shelf at the co-op. It’s time to stop inventing vague yogurt-making plans when people ask about the gallon-sized jug of milk in the fridge. It’s time to openly admit that yes, I will be having an adult-sized glass of milk with my tiny shot of espresso, and that yes, I will be needing to use your bathroom in about ten minutes (I am unfortunately lactose sensitive).
