As you know, although we’re all presently alive, we will one day be dead as doornails. Some earlier than others; e.g., Dana Fairbanks, who came down with a mean case of Chaiken Cancer two years ago and died almost instantly. We’ll always remember Dana as a victim of The L Word‘s effort to kill & gut & emotionally manipulate its most loyal fans. There’s a new Season Six promo that suggests with trademark beating-a-dead-horse-isms that someone will be killed this season. “If looks could kill,” the smarmy voice over woman deadpans … “this season the killer looks are not just about beauty” … “look out for a killer season of The L Word …” Either this means a guest spot by The Killers (which’d be fitting, as “Read my Mind” is the best song to do the Leisha Hailey dance to), or it means one of Papi’s bitches is gonna come back for some old-fashioned justice. Who will it be?

First, we must look back to other shows that have done the same thing. Dawson’s Creek teased us with a season finale death only to kill the girl we all hated anyhow. I don’t even remember her name, she drowned. South of Nowhere shot Clay ’cause he was leaving the show. Someone got shot on Felicity, right? J.T. in Degrassi, which was inhumane. The O.C. killed Marissa, which killed the show. Conclusion? Guns don’t kill people, television executives kill people. That doesn’t get us any closer to cracking the code of this season.


Angelica, Suspect #1
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Who Will Die? : Season Six Death-MatchThese are the possibilities:

Dana: My first guess is DANA. She already died once, so clearly we’re prepared. This time around it’d be different, we won’t see a healthy tennis player with access to the best medical care in the universe die a week after her first doctor’s visit. THIS TIME, Lara will shoot her in the head when Ghost Dana comes back from the dead and Lara catches Ghost Dana in bed with Alice! And though it’ll be sad, it’ll also be happy, ’cause everyone will say; “At least she got to be with Alice one last time! OMG! Alice is so cute!”

Jenny: Most people seem to be leaning towards Jenny. This is ’cause everyone’s confusing “Who would I like to kill?” with “who’s gonna be killed.” Jenny will never die, she is immortal, like Satan.

Max/Moira: This would be the least painful option, as Max isn’t really anyone’s favorite character. However, they would never kill the token transsexual, and allegedly his/her transition to whatevs is a big plot point this season.

Shane: As the most likely to go on a drug bender or fuck the wrong man’s wife, Shane would seem prime dead weight for the role of Mr. Body in the Billiard Room with the candlestick. Howevs, I imagine Kate Moening is kinda “Shane for Life” and might have trouble getting quality work that pays well after this show (as lesbian entertainments aside from this show are notoriously underfunded), and therefore I expect to see her by Alice’s side in The L Word Spinoff.

Alice: I know … Alice can’t get killed ’cause of the spinoff. That’s what you think, right? But what IF the spin-off takes place in HEAVEN? And Dana could be in it! And Bette’s Dad!

Bette: Bette Porter is not mortal. She isn’t just boring old flesh and blood like the rest of us. Bette Porter is a superhuman! She doesn’t have superpowers, she’s just very special and looks nice and put together. Can you imagine her being dead and bloody? No.

Tina: Tina’s the mother, you cannot kill the mother. Also considering how upset Bettina fans get if Bette casts a wandering eye anywhere besides Tina’s tightly pursed lips, I imagine they’d rally in the streets No-on-8 style were Tina to be offed.

Tasha: Tasha’s a cop and is following the Keith Charles personality curve already — so my money’s on her to shoot someone. Then she can go back to trial, which’s where she really shines.

Jodi: As mentioned before, she’d be the easiest to kill ’cause she wouldn’t hear you coming up behind her. Also it could be following up on Season Five’s foreshadowing, remember that student in her art class with the soap gun? Remember that? I barely do. Is she gonna be on the show still?

Kit: The black girl, obvs. Maybe someone from her crazy past on the road as Kit Porter the Wild Child Rock ‘n B superstar will return to settle the score? Maybe Billie Blakie or Dawn Denbo still wanting a piece of The Planet? Maybe Mangus wanting a piece of that ass? Maybe Papi wanting a piece of that ass?

Papi: Look, Papi’s supposed to come back this season but I don’t see her in the promos! Also then we could say “the time they pop’ed Papi,” and when she died we’d all go: “Really? Papi? Really?” We’re not attached to her since her character’s about tablespoon-deep.

Mr. Burns: Asking for it.

Marina: I like it when teevee shows have a “let’s go to Paris” episode.

Helena: My bets are on Helena. She’s popular and we’d miss her, but we’ve already dealt with losing her once and her personality changes so much every season, there’s really nothing she could do to surprise us. Her connections to the gang are tenuous enough that Ilene could easily pretend like nothing happened after she’s gone. There could be drama w/money post-death. She’s got connections in JAIL. Also, she has a taste for danger that her actual danger-related survival skills can’t really match.

Helena in the Conservatory with the dagger, I say. Colonel Mustard did it. That’s code for Helena’s girlfriend Dusty, ’cause Dust and Mustard are similar colors if you’re colorblind.

Phyllis: Much like Max, Phyllis is too token to die. She’s the old person. Plus Leonard would be livid and probs file a lawsuit against the entire Nation of Gays.

Molly: Actually, they’d totally do that to Shane. I mean, it could be a moment of reckoning, even, they like giving Shane moments of reckoning. Or Carmen’s brother/father Papi (I know it’d be confusing to have two characters named Papi, but I feel like if it works so well once, you might as well do it again, you know?) could come into town to fuck her up … you never know …

Denbo or Lover Cindy: That would just make way too much sense. Plus I didn’t see Keener’s hair waving in the wind in that preview.

That’s all, toodles! Stay away from guns, kids!