If it happened to me, it could happen to you: internet lesbian stardom. What started out as #slay turned out to not be the #serve I thought it was. There comes a time in every lesbian’s life where we must ask ourselves:, “How insufferable do I want to be on this dying planet?”
For me, in 2020, the answer was clear. I wanted to be so insufferable that I made all the other lesbians retire their carabiners and septum rings. And I did it. I really did it. I became a lesbian influencer and had the world in my hands. I had gay dating app brand deals, I received more free vibrators than I could count, I had a YouTube relationship, and I even opened a P.O Box for fan mail. But one day, I got out. Here’s how I survived:
1. I learned how to shut the fuck up
By getting my jaw wired shut for two months.
2. I set all my ring lights and tripods aflame in an abandoned shopping mall parking lot
And spent 2 years in prison for arson.
3. I called in a bomb threat to my internet provider’s headquarters
And was promptly banned from installing wifi in my residence.
4. I sent 14,000 hand-written letters to Trump’s presidential office personally requesting the banning of TikTok in the United States
I’m sorry.
5. I manufactured the Avery Cyrus/JoJo Siwa drama so that I could make a quiet exit
You’re welcome for this one.
6. I paid a guy from Craigslist to shock collar me any time I reached for my phone for 30 days
It was ineffective.
7. I replaced all of the apps on my phone with Duolingo and learned 32 languages
σκοτώνω! That means slay in Greek! [Editor’s Note: It actually literally means kill.]
8. I created an AI-Generated video of myself from highschool saying politically incorrect things and leaked it on Reddit
If I worked for myself, then I can also cancel myself! That’s #feminism!
9. I posted 500 Tweets about how Taylor Swift is not queer and in fact not even really an ally
And then threw my phone into the bottom of the ocean.
10. I transitioned into a straight man
You either die a hero or live long enough to become the lesbian influencer. I chose death.
