Q:
There’s a pride event in my town that i want to go to but i know my ex is gonna be there, we broke up two years ago. I’ll call her J. We haven’t spoken in a little over a year — I wanted to stay friends, she wasn’t ready for that because she still had feelings for me. Her current girlfriend of a few months, N, is someone she actually knows through me, but me and N had a friendship breakup while I was dating J. (Yes it was hard to swallow when I heard they were dating each other, but it’s fine, and I’m happy that they’re happy.) I’ve heard that N still makes disparaging remarks about me, which is hurtful, as I don’t do the same to them. I know that it’s possible to have a falling out where nobody is a bad person, and I don’t think they are. Anyhow, there’s a pride event next week that I know J and N will be at, and my girlfriend really wants to go to this event, she loves it. I don’t really want to go, because I just feel really weird about possibly running in to them. I know that this is stupid! I just have created this scenario in my head where N has turned J against me, and they sit around and talk about all of my personality flaws. What if I try to talk to them and they are mean to me? I really do miss J as a friend and the thought of that really pains me. My girlfriend is super annoyed that I am even considering not going because of them being there. How do I get out of my head about this and show up with my girlfriend to have a good time?
A:
If it’s any consolation, I’m sure you’re not the only one worried about running into someone at the Pride event! All across the country, on any given day in June, queer folks are worried about running into someone at a Pride event.
I’m trying to inject some humor in your uncomfortable situation, but I’m also genuinely trying to make you feel better. It’s a queer rite of passage to want to avoid someone at the function; I’ve been there. Your situation is a double whammy of not wanting to run into an ex or an ex-friend — the fact that they’re together?! Oh, we have quite the queer drama on our hands.
My gut instinct here is that if you’re feeling anxious enough to write a whole advice letter about the situation, the scenario might indeed be too much for you to handle right now. I wish your girlfriend were being a little more understanding about that, but I do think sometimes people take preoccupation with exes poorly. I think it’s okay that you feel weird and are worried about how they’ll interact with you. I do sincerely doubt they will be mean to you; they should be focused on their own relationship now. It would be so immature and embarrassing for them to try to cut you down in any way at Pride. It would say way more about them than about you! I don’t think they’re sitting around talking about your flaws. I think they could be experiencing just as much anxiety as you about running into you and your new girlfriend tbh! It’s probably not a comfortable situation for anyone involved.
You don’t say what size city you’re in, but I’d honestly hate for anyone to miss a Pride event, especially if they live in a place where queer community is harder to find or there aren’t queer parties all the time. I live in a pretty damn queer city (Orlando), and I’m still SO SAD I missed one of the biggest Pride events here, because there’s something especially meaningful to me about Pride celebrations in places where queer life is being suppressed and attacked. All of this to say: I don’t want you to miss out on something because of other people’s actions and behaviors. I don’t think you should base your decision purely on your girlfriend wanting to go, but do you want to go? Your letter starts with you saying that you do, and then it’s almost like you talk yourself out of it by the end of your letter. I get it; that’s how anxiety works!
If your ex and ex-friend weren’t going to be there, would you be there without question? Don’t let them ruin your time. But also, I think there are some mechanisms you can have in place to better prepare yourself for the possibility of seeing them and how to best handle it. In fact, I think you should talk about these ahead of time with your girlfriend, just to also reiterate to her how stressful this is for you. Maybe have something like a codeword for if you want to easily exit a conversation with N and J, so your girlfriend can extract you the hell out of there. Are you going with a group or additional friends? Task them with running interference or warning you if they see N and J so you’re not blindsided.
That’s something you should keep in mind: You won’t be alone. You’ll be surrounded by a vibrant queer community, presumably many people who you do not have a complicated past with. They’ll just be two people in the crowd, and you don’t owe them your time or energy. If you really want to go (I think you do!), talk to your girlfriend about how you want to go but how you want her to at least be cognizant and supportive of any anxiety you might end up feeling when there. It doesn’t have to ruin either of y’all’s time. If you decide you don’t want to go, I’m sure there are other people your girlfriend can go with. It’s possible you just need more time before you can be around N and J again, and that’s okay.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
Comments
This one really stayed with me, and i had to think and go back to my reply several times without quite understanding why. I wrote one answer (1) and then realized (2). So please bear with me.
1. The Answer is perfectly fine, and probably the way to go within that situation, but.. (see 2. for a perspective shift)
When i hear something like that I want to ask on a more meta level: why is it that FFF+ constellations seem to create these kinds of situations which are ripe with betrayal and heartbreak. This doesn’t even have to do with sex, it all starts in the schoolyard, with “Best Friends” couples and the type of betrayal that inevitably seems to come with it.
I did not witness that in MMM+ constellations and i still cannot comprehend fully why that is so.
It probably has to do with structural differences, where “coupling” 1:1 has a lot less importance for MMM+ groups. Then there is also the “honor” rules like Bros before Hoes (sorry) etc that might prevent specific constellations (like the one discribed in the question).
I’m not saying it never happens with MMM+, but it’s a lot rarer. Or if someone behaves like that, the other party might beat them up..
It’s just so sad and disturbing when FFF+ hurt each other in such a way.
Maybe some trans people who have done a lot of social switching want to chime in…
2. After thinking more about it: what disturbed me was not just the situation described, but also the Answer.
The complete normalization if these types of situations. “Everybody” has been in that situation etc. and to just suck it up. The author never once stops to say that this is pretty fcked up behaviour, getting into a relationship with an exes ex, bad mouthing etc. It sounds as if the authour were used to this regularly happening, believes it is normal, and tells the questioning party not to expect anything else. Which accepts a very toxic environment and puts pressure on the questioning party to also normalize it.
Calling it Queer Drama hides the actual misbehaviour.
So i have no clue where I’m going with this, but i had to express it.
Go to the pride event. Focus on your current relationship and having a good time with them. Maybe make some new friends for the day.
I will say sometimes when I know I’m going to be in an uncomfortable situation, where people I don’t really want to see might be at the same event, if I clock them I look through them not at them. Then go on my way. No one deserves to take your energy.