Let’s say we are rolling into 2021 and you haven’t touched a coochie since March of 2020 when lockdown started. If you have been being a good girl since your local government told you to stay home and stay away from others, we’re now coming up on a year anniversary since sex was a thing that you could do freely. I’ll be the first to admit that I had a slip around my birthday and made out with a person I went on a date with once years before. I’m doing my best to keep everyone safe but also sex and physical touch are a need that many people have that hasn’t been met in almost a year.

If you have a live-in partner I’m not talking to you. You’re living unmarried, IN SIN, and having all the sex you want. This is not for you. This is also not for people with long-term partners that don’t live together but you’re in a COVID pod. I also see you little heathens and am filled with rage at you licking and sucking all willy nilly. This one is for whores like me that are single, live and work alone, and who’s only sexual contact is with strangers from Tinder. What are people like us doing during this time? If your answer is that you quit sex cold turkey and have been dry and fiending ever since boy do I have the solution for you. Simulate sex by solely listening to Janet Jackson’s hottest hits.

I know, you couldn’t have imagined that the solution would be as easy as opening Spotify, but I’m here to tell you Janet Jackson, Ms. Pleasure Principle herself, is here to help you reach climax, hands-free!

“this next step is important. You gotta rip your blouse.”

First, you gotta get home from work, or clock out of your work computer if you work from home.

When you close the door behind you make sure you lean against it breathlessly with your eyes closed. Slowly open them to reveal your empty hall/kitchen/living room. Drop your purse at your feet like it weighs 100 pounds. Carefully slide out of your heels and kick them to the side. This is your warm-up. The process by which you slide from the icy outdoors to the warmth and exaltation of your home.

Now this next step is important. You gotta rip your blouse. It’s been 8 hours of hunching and grinding and typing. Make yourself feel like there’s a woman with real BIG forearms waiting for you in your apartment. I’m talking hulking forearms and long fingers. Like her sleeves are already rolled up and are ready to hike up your skirt/take off your pants.

If you’re the kind of person that uses the term “make love” then you might wanna light some candles and put on your white slip with the lace collar that doesn’t really show off your figure, but merely suggests a body. I’m assuming a lot about you if you say “make love” and I am right. Once you get that wood wick candle crackin it’s time to let your soft, effervescent curls fall from that high-powered bun and kiss at your shoulders like a gentle lover. Yes. Create a fantasy. Get yourself ready for Janet to have her back blown out at maximum volume.

“once you got this going in your ears there’s no way you’re not gonna bust.”

If you prefer to use terms like “fuck” then welcome to my team. Chances are you either wear lingerie at work to feel alive or you just haven’t done laundry in a little bit and the only clean underwear you have is Savage X Fenty. Once your blouse has been torn from your heaving breasts, you need very little set up. From here it is all about the foreplay. Maybe you wanna slap yourself in the face a couple of times to get your blood going if you like being dominated. If you prefer to dominate, I don’t know, kick over a chair and scream!

Now is your time, whip out your phone and connect it to whatever bluetooth speaker you’ve got on hand. If you have roommates, just stick your headphones on and head for the bedroom.

The song that you choose is just as important as the set up for this event, so choose wisely. What’s sexy varies from person to person, but what song is gonna simulate sex better than “Would You Mind.” “Would You Mind” is 5:32 seconds long, which maybe gives you enough time to have a screaming orgasm depending on how your body is set up. If one go-round is all you need, good for you. The rest of us will have this bad boy on repeat until we get where you’ve already gone.

“lick me? I’m about ready to cry at the thought!”

The song starts with rain sounds and Janet’s smooth voice asking “would you mind” in a playful, seductive tone. She goes on to describe the things she wants done to her during this session and the things she plans to do; her background vocals and even the foreground vocals play at moaning and whimpering. Once you got this going in your ears there’s no way you’re not gonna bust. When she exclaims “cum inside me” at the midpoint of the song you’re sure to be on the precipice of ecstasy whether or not that command is a physiological possibility for you.

The chorus of the song goes:

‘Cause I’m gonna
Bathe you, play with you, rub you, caress you
Tell how much I’ve missed you
I just wanna
Touch you, tease you, lick you, please you
Love you, hold you make love to you
And I’m gonna
Kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
Feel you deep inside me ooh
I just wanna
Kiss you, suck you, taste you, ride you
Feel you, make you come too

Listen, I know what I said about the kind of people that say “make love” but those people are not Janet Jackson. She can get away with whispering it into my ear because of who she is and how she looks and what she does to my body! If you haven’t had sex in ten months, all of this sounds like a buffet to a starving man. Lick me? I’m about ready to cry at the thought!

The real work comes in the final minute of the song. This is where Janet Jackson cums in your ear for a full minute. The way the moans increase in frequency and severity, the length and tone, are enough to make you blush a little if your listening in public.

But you’re not, so when she says “go deeper” you can imagine that you can. When she whispers “shit” you can too and feel the freight train of lust ramming through your insides at top speeds. When she says “oh baby” you can squirt like a goddamn geyser and leave your sheets, your couch, your kitchen table streaked with the evidence. Just like that, after ten months of nothing, you’ve just had the most sexual gratifying experience tangentially involving another person. Say your thanks to Miss Janet before you roll over and fall asleep from being sex drunk.

Don’t forget to blow out those candles!

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