Q:
So my partner and I are planning on getting married and starting a family soon — but I’m feeling super overwhelmed by the prospect of figuring out the ethics of having a child as a gay couple. I’ve been reading a lot from the adoptive community about the trauma of adoption and how it’s often unethical, but I’m hearing similar things from donor conceived people. I feel like I rarely see these concerns in queer family spaces, but any time a question is raised about gay parents in adoption and donor conception spaces, it is (understandably) not centered. How do I go about navigating this ethical minefield? Is it just not possible for my family to have kids in a way that wouldn’t profit from their trauma? I don’t want to disregard the voices of those communities — but I also have always wanted to be a parent. Help!
A:
I think it’s really admirable that you’re thinking about the ethics of having a kid. A lot of people don’t, and there is value in doing this kind of consideration before having kids. But I think there’s a difference between being aware and letting it keep you from doing something you have always wanted to do. If you want to have a kid, then you should do that and go in the direction that feels best to you and works with the resources you have at your disposal.
Admittedly, I conceived my son while I was in a relationship with a man, but my wife and I did talk at length about having a child together.
Adoption is a difficult avenue to navigate ethics-wise. It’s good that reunification where possible is becoming more normalized, because families do deserve a chance to make it work when they want to. But there are still so many kids in the system who need loving parents, and it’s admirable that people want to step up to the plate. I think there are a lot of things people who want to adopt need to think about heading into the process. It’s not solely about giving kids who don’t have a home a home. You need to be 100% sure you will be able to handle whatever gets thrown at you, and you need to consider all the complex questions all parents-to-be must undertake. If you have a child with complex medical issues or a child who is neurodivergent, are you going to do the work to make sure you fully understand their needs and will you do everything possible to make sure that they’re being given the best care you can manage? Ultimately though, these are questions any new parents should ask themselves, regardless of how they’re starting a family. With adoption, you’ll also need to consider if you’re prepared and able to navigate parenting a child who has experienced trauma and other hardships prior to their life with you.
There has been more of a conversation started by transracial adoptees about the challenges of transracial adoption in recent years that has been incredibly important. If you do go the route of transracial adoption, do you really understand what that means and looks like? As a parent, are you willing to do the homework about your child’s culture and heritage? I’ve read stories, but also heard from people I know who are transracial adoptees that so many adoptive parents don’t even try to do that. If you were to adopt a child of a different race, how would you educate yourself, but more importantly, how would you make sure you’re keeping them connected to that heritage? That is one of your biggest jobs as an adoptive parent. And if you’re not prepared for that, then that’s not the route you should go down. There are so many memoirs written by adoptees, and I encourage you to read them to get a better sense of some of these experiences from their end.
Now, things are complex for their own reasons when we’re talking about donor conception. If you want to have a biological child, this really is the only way to make that happen. I also did some research to see what the conversations around donor conception and ethics are, and much of it seems to be anecdotal. Some people may feel like it’s shady or unethical, but by and large, it’s an accepted way of conception, especially for same sex couples who can’t conceive any other way. One of the things I kept running into is how and when to tell your child they are donor conceived. If you’re worried about ethics, not disclosing this information, or waiting until your child is an adult is definitely going to lead to a lot more challenges than letting your child know earlier.
There are conversations happening about the ethics of sperm donation, mainly that there needs to be a limit on how many families can use one person’s sperm. Some sperm donors want to be found and some don’t, which can pose issues if a kid has questions later on, but that information should be given to the sperm bank, and you can choose a donor based on those stipulations. Different sperm banks have rules around what kind of information gets shared — if you want your child to be able to know their donor siblings, that is something you can include in your criteria.
An article shared by international sperm bank Cryos referenced work done by Susan Golombok, a Professor of Family Research and the Director of the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, on this topic. Her studies on the subject “show that donor children are well adjusted and that they are no different from children in other families.” In fact, “donor-conceived children who are told about the donor early on, do not seem to be distressed – they are either not very interested in their origins or are curious to know more.” If anything, she’s found “the make-up of their family does not affect the wellbeing of these children, but intolerance of their family does.”
Only you can decide if you’re going to have a child. Some would argue that having a child at all isn’t ethical, but making the decision to become a parent isn’t that cut and dry. When I had my son, I was unemployed. We had to live with my parents for a few years until I was able to get on my feet enough to move. I have been a low income parent for most of the past 10 years. People would argue that it was unethical for me to have my son if I couldn’t afford to properly care for him. But if you ask him, I don’t think he’d agree.
You say you’ve always wanted to be a parent. What would your life feel like if you chose not to be one? When you have these issues around the ethical way to have a child, whose opinion are you worried about? If it’s other people, who cares? They’re not the ones who are going through the process, you are. When you say “profit from their trauma,” what do you mean? We can’t anticipate how our kids are going to feel about their life. We can only do the best we can. You shouldn’t not have a kid because you’re worried that when they’re older they’re going to think their conception was unethical. If it comes up, you can work through it then. But if you’ve always seen yourself as a parent, then you should be one.
You’ve done the research and found people who are donor conceived and find it unethical, but have you looked at all the stories of people who are grateful their moms went through the process to make them? Everything about having a child will have upsides and downsides. However, if you feel a strong pull to have a child and take the route of having one biologically, then you should do it. Because chances are, if you’re open and honest with your kid from the beginning, how they came to be may not matter as much as how much you love them.
You can chime in with your advice in the comments and submit your own questions any time.
