Step One: Locate Your Musician
Generally speaking, musicians can be found at local music venues holding a musical instrument, at music shops buying a musical instrument, or at a bar with other musicians talking about musical instruments. On rare occasions, they are also found reading comic books, sitting in fancy chairs, or casually tossing back their hair. This is how they express their non-musical creativity.
A musician just “hanging out”
Step Two: Court Your Musician
Now that you’ve located Your Musician, it’s time to start an engaging conversation. Let them know that you, too, share similar interests. Ask them what music you “should be listening to,” and let them explain the differences in sound quality between digital and vinyl. When all else fails, ask them what they think of Spotify.
Step Three: Move In With Your Musician
If you’ve been talking to them about vinyl as I suggested, you’ve definitely gone on at least four dates by now. Sparks are likely flying. It’s time to move in! Space will need to be made for guitars, ukuleles, dulcimers, flutes, small drums, shakers, pedal boards, microphones, more guitars, glockenspiels, and forty-seven pounds of plastic guitar picks.
Who needs this black pleather couch, anyway?
Step Four: Say “Yes” When Your Musician Proposes to You
You’ve had to move all of your belongings to one small dresser so that Your Musician can have enough room for the above listed items, you’ve gone to all of their shows within a thirty to three thousand mile radius, and you’ve inspired new (brilliant) songs just by your (muse-like) EXISTENCE. It is about time that Your Musician asks you to spend eternity with them! Your Musician may, at first, hem and haw about this level of commitment—they are, after all, used to a life of strong independence (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce). Assure Your Musician that lifelong commitment will not tarnish their “I do what I want” rock star image (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce).
Step Five: Explain the difference between “Wedding Venue” and “Music Venue”
Now that you’ve said “yes,” it is time to pick a wedding venue. Explain to Your Musician that while a music venue is where music is often played, a wedding venue is a place where—
Step Six: Forget It, Just Have Your Wedding at a Music Venue
Having your wedding at a music venue will inspire greatness from Your Musician. The surroundings are familiar. Graffiti on the bathroom walls will help them breathe easier. They will have music stands to shuffle around when they feel tense. Trust me, have your wedding at a music venue.
Shhh, She doesn’t even know she’s getting married!
Step Seven: Have a Casual Dress Code
Your Musician will probably have a lot of Musician Friends. Musician Friends don’t like to be told what to do. How could they?! They’ve been busy setting fashion standards with ripped t-shirts and meat dresses for years. By keeping the dress code casual, you’ll allow for an incredible parade of beards, tattoos, suspenders, and fedoras to surround you on your special day.
Step Eight: Let Your Musician Guide the Photos
Your Musician is used to having their photo taken. They are, after all, a rock star. Allow them to help you understand the true potential of wedding photos. They come from a long line of predecessors who will inspire them to greatness.
The “Johnny Cash”
The “Paul McCartney”
The “Patti Smith”
Step Nine: Open Bar
This has nothing to do with Your Musician. This also needs no further explanation.
Step Ten: After It’s All Over, Write A Satirical Article
So, here you are, at the finish line. You fit dozens of guitars in your home, you learned new things such as how speaker placement affects sound quality and why the landscape of the music industry is rapidly changing, you made sure that “Since You’ve Been Gone” was included on the artfully-crafted wedding dance playlist, and you got tastefully liquored up in your wedding dress.
You also totally tricked a musician into marrying you. Good work.
Now, reach out to your favorite, world-renowned, totally badass website and ask if you can help future generations of tiny queers by writing a step-by-step guide to hook-line-and-sink-her. Tada!
Post-Script: Planning to have babies? Bonus points if Your Musician is already prepared with maternity & baby wear!
ok can i marry both of you
This is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my whole damn life.
Very lovely! Just made my day :)
That is a lot of Les Pauls! O_o
Aw, this was great! I’m gonna have to save this to show to any woman crazy enough to be my girlfriend. :D
This is great! Except… Where’s the classic Yoko Ono – John Lennon Rolling Stone cover for when your musician reaches icon status!?
well this is adorable.
Actually, I would probably be that musician who gets married at a music venue, performs, and forgets she’s the one getting married.
I own 6 tubas, have a loud dog and travel a lot…anyone interested?
…how YOU doin?
Gosh darn it, this was such a cute post.
Hahaha this is beautiful and hilarious
So much love for this and everyone involved. Now, Jenny just needs to write “How to Marry 1/2 of ‘Everyone is Gay’ in Ten Easy Steps” (although, no lie, the rest of us would probably just use those steps to try and capture Danielle).
If your musician is a classical musician a lot of this applies but there are differences/additional considerations:
Step One: Your musician is probably camping out in the practice room and will be difficult to find.
Step Two: Your musician probably won’t expect you to know a lot about classical music, but if you say “classical music is so relaxing!” this romance may well be over. Go listen to some Shostakovich and you will understand.
Step Five: Your musician has played at many, many weddings in extremely fancy venues. She knows all the ones in your town like the back of her hand and is very blase about the whole situation, so
Step Six: Don’t have your wedding at a wedding venue. In fact, probably don’t have a big fancy wedding. Your musician knows the standard wedding routine in her sleep, so make it personal and intimate and informal.
Step Seven: Don’t let anyone wear black. Your musician and her musician friends wear “concert black” all the time and own a lot of fancy black clothes. If you don’t watch out your wedding could start looking like a funeral. Alternatively, come up with some kind of theme that requires everyone to wear black so that the musicians can come to your wedding without breaking the bank.
Step Eight: Guide your musician through the photos. She will feel awkward and self-conscious posing without her instrument and won’t know what to do with her hands.
As a senior violist at my uni, I appreciate this so. freakin. MUCH.
Yay! I’m always happy to see I’m not the only string player here :)
You’re right, sister! :)
eeee!
I saw the title and thought Shane was guest posting
I am so overwhelmed by how adorable this is.
Speaking as a musician, this would absolutely work on me.
I am really glad that there is some universality here.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING EVER. so much so that i just created an account just so i could post a comment. i love my sisters. xo.
also omg look at my avatar i’m BEAKER FROM THE MUPPETS! i didn’t even put that up. it’s like they know. they know i’m insane.
omg. hi alyson.
we love you too.
this is all really perfect and lovely. (this comment exchange. i mean the article is really perfect and lovely also but right now i’m specifically into this sisterly comment exchange.)
Step one: check.
“Hook-line-and-sink-her.”
Adorable.
(As are the rock star-inspired wedding photos, omgg)
Well, so now we (musicians) know how they (not musicians) do that…but does somebody has also advice “how to merry musician in ten easy steps” for A MUSICIAN? :D Would like to hear it as I’m kinda struggling with that one :)
When I was in middle school I was obsessed with the idea of falling in love with a musician so this put a huge smile on my face. So adorable.
i am so glad this exists.
Loving the addition of Kristin and Dannielle to AS!!
That’s exactly what I came down here to say. I don’t know how Autostraddle keeps getting better but I’m not complaining.
This is so cute, you guys look amazing!
My partner and I both really into girls with guitars, we will find one asap and follow these instructions and report on the results, to see if it works for more-than-two situations. FOR SCIENCE.
please publish the results. needed. so needed.
gaaaaaash this is cute.
Step three: achieved.
Those vacuum seal space bags are great when you can only fit either your summer or winter clothes in your dresser at any one time.
I love pictures they are perfect!
This is so hilarious, I love it :D
this is the only thing i care about.
STOP IT THIS IS TOO CUTE.
“Shhh, She doesn’t even know she’s getting married!” <-- favorite
Oh my gosh Danielle and now Kristin on Autostraddle?? My life is being made!
I <3 Kristin.
THERE I SAID IT
I love everything about this! Also…is Kristin trying to tell us they’re having a baby????
Oh my lord this is precious in the best way possible, kind of like a baby in a musical onesie is precious and you can’t breathe and make weird faces and noises just looking at it. I love this, maybe too much???
This might be the most adorable thing in the world. Especially that Patti LuPone style picture. Congratulations!
It’s Patti Smith, but no joke, the Patti LuPone slip-up is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.
No disrespect to Patti Smith, because the night and all that, but all Pattis would be better as Patti LuPones.
Step #3: U-HAULIN’
Very sweet…I can relate ro it since I am a musician but not of the “cool” kind more the “nerdy” kind: juliard trained composer, musician. My significant other likes to tell our friends that she slept with her piano teacher as she slaps me in the rear.
“they are, after all, used to a life of strong independence (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce). Assure Your Musician that lifelong commitment will not tarnish their “I do what I want” rock star image (see: Kelly Clarkson, Beyonce).”
And those adorable baby tees!!!
proof that EIG is one of the best things to ever happen to the internet. next to Autostraddle, that is.
This is very literally my life right now.
wait this is adorable and hilarious
I agree with all of the above…cute cute cute! <3
Okay, but will this work on Sara Quin?
Terribly single professional audio technician/bass player/keyboardist here!
Are we musos really that coveted? :)
Yes I married my target musician after 8 years but now we’ve been married for 10 years and have a beautiful bouncing baby boy who’s 6 now. He’s still playing out there and isn’t gonna stop until he dies preferably on stage. He’s got his own room dedicated to his cool clothes and instruments including 2 drum sets. 2 guitars and much more like notebooks full of lyrics and idea’s for songs he writes and composes.
Yes I married my target musician after 8 years but now we’ve been married for 10 years and have a beautiful bouncing baby boy who’s 6 now. He’s still playing out there and isn’t gonna stop until he dies preferably on stage. He’s got his own room dedicated to his cool clothes and instruments including 2 drum sets. 2 guitars and much more like notebooks full of lyrics and idea’s for songs he writes and composes.