We’re revisiting this classic Autostraddle piece on queer dating as we get back to dating basics in partnership with HER’s Queer Dating 101, a series of live edutainment events that brings in concrete how-tos, insights, experts and some of your favorite Autostraddle personalities to help you find love (or whatever you’re looking for) in the time of corona. Check out the event on Sex and Relationships During COVID, TONIGHT,1/21/2021 at 6pm PT | 9pm ET!
It can feel impossibly difficult to tell whether something is really over or just a rough patch, even though it often seems CRYSTAL clear when it’s your friend, or your partner’s other partner, or the couple having a fight at the brunch spot. Sometimes it takes an outside perspective and an objective read on what’s going on to tell whether it’s healthiest to separate — which is why our team is here to tell you from experience when it’s time to go.
Comments
having recently gone through a breakup that was a surprise to me, i read this with trepidation, but Vanessa’s words about scarcity were really helpful to hear.
<3 <3 <3
Hey Kayla! That line about sacrificing too much describes my last few relationships. I need to get way better about setting those boundaries, and maybe not living with incredibly needy people in the first place.
Word.
As a caveat, I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted longer than about 15 months, but the moments my last 3 big relationships ended were:
1) When I realized that we weren’t really dating, just good friends who shared an apartment and had sex once every couple months (which was not enough for me)
2) When I realized that I’d been squirrelly about commitment for several months because I couldn’t see a future with her, in that city, dealing with issues she refused to confront
3) When I realized that my long-distance partner and I weren’t even talking anymore, meaning that we weren’t really in a long-distance relationship – we were just two people in different cities who thought about each other sometimes
Even if you’re not fighting, even if no one is abusing anybody else, even if nobody cheated, even if you’re not even thinking about sleeping with someone else or moving to a new city… it’s okay to break up. That’s the big lesson I’ve learned the past couple years. Breaking up is not something horrible that you do to someone, or something horrible that someone else does to you. It’s just the end of something that maybe isn’t good anymore, because you both (or all) deserve something that is good.
Ugh, yes. My longest relationships still had *some* good in them so I kept trying to make them work for way too long
Thank you for saying this. My partner of 14 years and I are in the midst of negotiating (likely) breaking up. But there is no crisis or betrayal involved and I feel like that‘a hard to talk about.
It has been so long and there have been so many better and lovely relationships since then, but “When I realized that I’d been squirrelly about commitment for several months because I couldn’t see a future with her, in that city, dealing with issues she refused to confront” just slotted several things into place in my brain. and I love your next comment about how breaking up is “just the end of something that maybe isn’t good anymore, because you both (or all) deserve something that is good.”
Such good sets of words! ty!
(and your user name is fantastic!)
Thank you! :) I wish you only good and lovely relationships.
Oh my. At this point I don’t think I’ll break up, but yesterday I was thinking about it. Just typing that out makes me feel badly. Reading Rachel’s article about just not and all of the smoothing over that I do to make things work, not to mention all of the work.
You have no reason to feel bad. You shouldn’t have to be doing all of the work. Can you bring it up? Do you think it’s realistic to expect that anything could change? If not, go out there and find your joy.
Rachel’s essay about Just Not has been rattling around in my head, too. For now I am experimenting with Just Not-ing (Just Not doing their share of the labor AND mine) and I am going to see if my partner picks up the slack.
Good point about scarcity issues, Vanessa
That absolutely has kept me in my long-term relationships for far too long. And the fear of dying alone thing in our culture, with the way we currently structure healthcare and care work generally, is real
“I think we as a community have major scarcity issues and fears of dying alone so we tend to cling on to situations that really don’t serve anyone involved and end up causing pain and harm when we could be perusing joy and happiness with someone new or by ourselves”
I agree with this *and* also I want to say that the more marginalized and “undesirable” a queer person is, the more likely it is that they WILL die alone. I have watched so many queer people flock to pretty, thin, white, and/or non-disabled queers over and over and over, leaving queers who are “ugly,” fat, BIPOC, and/or disabled isolated as fuck.
I have so much compassion for (and rage on behalf of) queers without social capital & desirability points, queers who are rarely or never treated well. In these systems of lookism, anti-fatness, racism, and ableism (among others), someone’s current mediocre relationship may very well be the best relationship they can get. Which is fucked.
Also, being single can be great, yes. And, there is a difference between being single and being in the depths of isolation trying to reach out, only to be ignored because of people’s commitments to lookism, anti-fatness, racism, ableism, etc. That kind of isolation and touch starvation is a form of torture and can be deadly.
YES!! I loved being alone when it was a CHOICE ( not just in terms of ”romantic” relationships but generally). Now I’m isolated due to circumstance, in a disabled body that I just cannot get to grips with, and it’s all about as far from choices as you can get… and coupled with the ”why don’t you just” nonsense from people.. ARGH.
this
Yes, thank you for this comment.
I have been in relationships with people that are fat, disabled, and a different race than myself. I cared deeply for all of them and chose to be with them because of who they are. (Also, liking someone in that sense tends to make them attractive to me anyway if that’s worth mentioning)
I don’t think those are issues that leave people “undesirable”- it’s when someone has extreme insecurities.
It’s exhausting to constantly validate someone (in an excessive manner) and can make the one providing validation feel as if there’s no way they can be a good enough partner to their loved one. I’m all for helping someone grow and seeing them succeed, but when someone is doing nothing to help themselves grow mentally/emotionally, what can you do after a point??
Besides, if race/disability/body type is the reason you’ve been rejected – why would you want to be with the kind of person who would cast you aside on that judgement alone anyways?
VANESSA coming through with the best advice as always <3
I recently broke up with someone I liked and enjoyed spending time with because she was extremely cagey and avoidant when it came to talking about feelings, our relationship, and her expectations or desires for the relationship/what she wanted. The lack of that made me feel and once or twice speak in a way that was bitter and sarcastic, and I couldn’t chart a way out of that dynamic without being able to talk to her about it.
Me: “what are we doing here! I’ve tried a few directions and suggestions that you didnt bite at, and am curious what ideas you have about what we are to each other and how we relate and spend time together or cultivate closeness and affection.”
Her: “our relationship can look like whatever we want!”
Me: “yes! What do you want it to look like?!”
Her: “so, weird thing at work today”…
(Rinse and repeat several times over the course of a year)
To “The Team”,
All of you have clear, sound advice. I could have potentially saved myself a few difficult years had I discovered all of you sooner.