Once you’ve got a good strap-on harness, you need a dildo to go with it. Where harnesses are very personal to the wearer’s body and gender expression, dildos for strap-on sex are personal to both the person doing the fucking and the person getting fucked. The perfect dildo will make the wearer feel affirmed in their presentation and feel good against their body, and will also be a size and texture that the receiver can get down with.

Less Realistic Dildos

1. Tantus Silk (small, medium, or large) ($36–$55) | 2. Fun Factory Stubs Magnum ($73) | 3. Paris G-Spot Silicone Dildo by BS ($100)

Whether or not you want a realistic-looking dildo is totally up to you and anyone you might use it with. Sometimes the thing that feels best to your head and body is a dildo that looks a little like it could be part of it — and sometimes the thing that feels best is lime-green tie-dye with swirls. If you lean more in a non-representative direction, the Tantus Silk is super simple, comes in small, medium, or large and is smooth, firm silicone with a slippery finish. The smallest is 5″ long and .75″ in diameter, while the largest is 6.75″ long and 1.375″ in diameter — in addition to being a good option for working up to more intense penetration if you want or for anal play, the size means they’ll be compatible even with harnesses without adjustable o-rings. For something a little bigger, try the Fun Factory Stubs Magnum, a smooth silicone dildo with a slight g-spot curve that’s 7.5″ long and 1.5″ in diameter. And for size flexibility but colors that defy realism, the Paris G-Spot Silicone Dildo by BS is handmade, silicone, has a great g-spot curve, and is 6.5″ long and 1.4″ to 1.9″ in diameter at the tip and base respectively. BS also makes a turquoise-and-rainbow burst dildo, a black-and-rainbow pride dildo, a sport-striped dildo and a cow-spotted dildo if you like the shape and want different colors and patterns.

More Realistic Dildos

1. VixSkin Mustang Royale ($130) | 2. Shilo Dildo ($150) | 3. Semenette POP ($140)

Sometimes a more realistic dildo is what seems better to your head and body. For whatever reason, more realistic dildos also seem  (anecdotally) to be better constructed — there seem to be more dual-density options, with a broader range of sizes and more tactile-feeling silicone. The VixSkin Mustang Royale is, hands-down, my favourite everyday dildo to fuck and get fucked with. It’s squishy on the outside but has a firm core, so it stays where it’s put in even enthusiastic fucking. It has a squishy, sculpted base that lines up with the wearer’s labia if the wearer has labia. And it’s medical-grade silicone, easy to disinfect, and comes in three flesh tones — just realistic enough without being super veiny or approaching the uncanny valley. (For something with a little more diameter, the VixSkin Buck is also fantastic.) New York Toy Collective’s Shilo is also a dual-density silicone dildo, meant for pack and play with a firm, bendable core and a squishy exterior. It’s 7.25″ long, 1.5″ in diameter and has a prominent head to target a g-spot or prostate. And Semenette POP is a sturdy silicone strap-on dildo with an inner tube and pump so the wearer can come all over or inside someone. It works for play, it works for artificial insemination if you’re into that, and it comes in two flesh tones, flat black, or pink. There’s also a Semenette POP refill kit. (If you like the feel of the Semenette POP but not the functionality, Fun Factory’s Boss dildo is the same shape and comes in strawberry and black.)

Double-Ended Dildos

1. Fun Factory Share ($110) | 2. Fun Factory Share XL ($120)

Using a double-ended dildo in a compatible harness can be a great way to fuck and get fucked simultaneously — you can use them alone, too, but a harness means you don’t have to rely as heavily on your ability to do kegels while coming. The Fun Factory Share is a flexible silicone double-ended dildo. (There’s also a version of the Share that works with a bullet vibe, but body of the toy is firmer and less flexible.) For a more intense experience, the Fun Factory Share XL is a longer, thicker option with ridges for texture and curves for g-spots. It’s silicone and comes in pink or black.

Vibrating Dildos

1. Vixen Mistress with Vibe ($60) | 2. Tantus Feeldoe ($120) | 3. Luxe Vibrating Dildo ($100)

Personally, vibrating dildos just don’t do it for me — the vibrations are never strong enough, and never in the right place. If you’re set on a vibrating strap-on dildo, though, and don’t want to make a regular dildo vibrate by adding a vibrating cock ring or something like the Love Bump, check these out: If you want a dildo that works for strap-on sex and works as a vibrator, but not necessarily at the same time, the Vixen Mistress with Vibe is a slim, shiny silicone dildo with a removable bullet vibe in the base. (Note that the bullet vibe sticks out a little though, and might not feel totally comfortable worn directly against your body.) The Tantus Feeldoe is a firm, shiny double-ended dildo that also uses a removable included bullet in its base. And the Luxe Vibrating Dildo is a USB-rechargeable silicone dildo that vibrates harder the harder you squeeze it, and has a flat, harness-compatible base. (Because it has an internal motor, note that this is the only dildo in this list that you can’t boil to disinfect; instead, wash it with antimicrobial soap and water, and cover it with a condom for safer sex.)

Accessories

1. Love Bump ($40) | 2. SpareParts Stabilizer Ring ($9) | 3. Sliquid Sassy ($1.50–$20)

The Love Bump slides onto any dildo to add realistic balls and an extra pocket for an included bullet vibrator. It’s silicone and comes in three flesh tones. If your dildo is on the smaller side, or doesn’t have a base big enough for safer anal sex, a stabilizer ring will help it fit snugly into your harness. Finally, any silicone dildo should be used with a water-based lube like Sliquid Sassy, which is thicker and great for both vaginal and anal penetration, or Sliquid Organics, its organic counterpart.

Lesbian Sex 101 is Autostraddle’s series on how to have lesbian sex for queer women and anyone who finds this information applicable to their bodies or sexual activities. Employment of the term “lesbian sex” in this post uses “lesbian” as an adjective to describe sex between two women or people who identify with that experience, regardless of the sexual orientation of the two people involved.

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