Holigay Quiz: Which Christmas Monster Should You Date?

Holigays 2022 // Header by Viv Le

Oh you thought Halloween was the spookiest time of year? I would like to argue that we, perhaps, consider a throwback or several. The 12 days of Christmas, in Christian European culture [with various exports to the US and elsewhere], was once considered THE most haunted time of year. The Yule season is a time of demons and witches, of ghosts and ogres, ghouls and trolls, a time to keep your doors locked, your fires lit, and your mortal ass safely ensconced in blankets.

Now, as for YOU, dear reader, it has come to our attention that this year, you find yourself personally torn between staying safe from the Wild Hunt that rampages through the night in the darkest days of winter and the fact that it’s, well, cuffing season and you don’t care if those cuffs are the ones at the ends of the chains around Krampus’ wrists because Hell or high water, you’re finding a holidate, even [or especially] if it’s a Christmas monster.

With so many to choose from, we know it can be hard to figure out who you should ask out and/or lure to your home with naughty acts. Lucky for you, we have this quiz to help you determine just which Christmas monster you should date!

P.S. I hope Yule share what you think of your date in the comments!

Choose a kind of winter weather situation:(Required)

A cold, dry sunny morning with fine, powdery snow on the ground

A gray rainy afternoon

The dirtiest slush, just everywhere (you might also be a monster)

A blizzard, but you're snowed in with everything you need

Floridian sunshine

An ice storm with trees that look like they're covered in glass

Gentle snowfall with voluminous, fluffy flakes that blanket the world in quiet

Snow so cold it crunches underneath your feet like a crust, bitter wind and bright sun

Pick a sin:(Required)

Lust

Gluttony

Greed

Pride

Sloth

Wrath

Envy

Acedia (a vintage sin, knowing what you should do but not doing it)

Choose a Christmas Movie

Mean Girls

Die Hard

Eyes Wide Shut

The Mothman Prophesies

The Dead Zone

Home for the Holidays (1972)

Mommy Dearest

I Am Legend

Choose an "erotic" Christmas stock photo.

You're walking down a crowded street, lined with businesses. People rush by you, trying to get their holiday errands done. Someone just completely bumps into you without apologizing, you drop what you're carrying, pick it up and look to the right. Then, between two buildings is a house you've never seen before. It's strange that it's there. It shouldn't be because you could have sworn these two businesses were actually right next to each other last time you were here. The vacuum fixer and the used game shop should be adjacent, but no, there is this curious little house between them with a funny little wrought iron gate. You open the gate and approach the house. It's made of gingerbread! There's a sign next to it that reads: "Go ahead. Take some." You look closer. The house is covered in what looks like wholly real, entirely edible candy. What an interesting artwork! And how lucky that this person bumped into you! You would have never seen it otherwise. Which candy do you choose?(Required)

Candy canes! They're seasonal.

Chocolate! I'm all about chocolate, any kind will do!

Gum drops! They remind me of my great grandparents.

Wait! Are those Warheads? I'm grabbing some even if they are going to make my tongue bleed!

There's this weird taffy like candy that's kind of white and pink and red and gray marbled...kind of like meat? I'm taking some of that.

Caramels. I do not care how sticky.

I'm taking something that's wrapped. This house is outside! There we go. A nice, wrapped lollipop. Does the stick look like a little bone? Yes, but I am all about the cellophane.

No thanks, I'm a vegetarian.

Now that you have your candy, you check your belongings again. It's all there, even if you need to rearrange everything in your bag again. What are you carrying?(Required)

Holiday gifts for all my friends and fam. Yes. I was super last minute.

A white elephant gift that is actually kind of neat? I mean, I'd keep it. It's a chia pet.

The usual. My wallet, phone, like three different masks.

Cookies I made myself! Want one?

Cookies that someone else made! I don't bake. Want one?

Like twenty books. It's an exaggeration, but my shoulders do not think it's an exaggeration. Books. Heavy books.

The bag. You know. ;)

A carry-on with basically my whole life in it. I'm visiting for the holidays.

As you're walking, you get a little hungry. Good thing you have that candy! You pull the candy out of the bag, but something doesn't feel right. It's different. In fact, it's something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. What has the candy turned into...or perhaps...what has it been all along?

The jaw bone of some kind of animal. A deer? Maybe it's a reindeer, actually?

Meat. You didn't even take candy, but now there is just a hunk of raw meat in your bag. At least it's wrapped in festive cellophane and tied with ribbons.

Well, it's still in the wrapper, but you think it might be...oatmeal? This texture is awful.

It's a box! A little wrapped box. It's glittering and gorgeous and you long to open it, but when you reach for the ribbon, it cuts your finger.

A ball of rich, red yarn. It looks hand spun.

A single shot of whiskey in a glass bottle, sealed with wax, with a cork stopper. It looks old.

It's transformed into a gorgeous antique cookie cutter in the shape of an intricate star. You're a bit disappointed that you can't eat it, but it's going to make for some lovely cookies.

Blood. It's just blood. Wait, is it coming from your hand? No? It's pooled in the bottom of your bag. You raise your hand to your nose. It smells of cinnamon and something else...sulphur? You lick the blood and find it's sticky and sweet, a coppery dessert.

Pick a gingerbread!(Required)

What chore are you the LEAST likely to get done when you had planned or wanted to?(Required)

The dishes

Shoveling snow

Laundry

Sweeping

Cutting the grass

Making that one phone call

Cooking dinner

Taking out the garbage

So, you know you're probably going to get a call about your date soon. But where would you go for your ideal winter date if it was 100% up to you?(Required)

An outdoor ice skating rink downtown. So magical!

A winter market! There's plenty to talk about when you're looking through local artist stalls.

On a winter hike in the woods!

To get coffee or tea at a cafe with a heated outdoor area or heated blankets.

To a bookstore. Is this winter specific? No. Is it always a good date? Yes!

Caroling!

A babka baking class!

Seasonal beer tasting at a brewery, preferably one with lots and lots of dogs!

You have some time to "sleigh" before your date, so you decide to get out the project you've been working on. What are you occupying yourself with?

Well, this sweater isn't going to knit itself.

This possum isn't going to taxidermy itself, either.

You've been meaning to make some magical bath salts for your friend group's Secret Santa, so you go get out the necessary herbs.

There is nothing more soothing than leather work. You sit down at your table and get started.

You've got just enough time to put the finishing touches on this outfit you've been sewing.

Time to feed the fruit cake by bathing it in more liquor. You've been aging this for months and you can't wait to see what your chosen fam think!

You get your oil paints out of the fridge and sit down to resume the piece you've been working on. You hope your date doesn't mind the smell of turpenoid.

Time to get some more words in with that writing project you've been putting off forever. But first, maybe a cup of tea? You can't write without tea. And without one of those BDSM gingerbread you decorated earlier.

Okay, so now you're sitting alone at home, working on your project in the early winter dark, when you hear someone or SOMETHING tapping on the window. You shut off your music, hold your breath and listen. Was it just the winter wind? No, the sound comes again, insistant. Before you go to check it out, what do you grab?(Required)

My crafting scissors.

This carpenter's hatchet I have in the living room for some reason.

A vase. I know it's stereotypical but it is what I HAVE!

Nothing? I'm at the window. Going to just take a look outside.

The light switch. I plan to sit in the dark until whoever it is goes away.

A flashlight! You look at me, I'll look at you!

My phone?! I'm opening the contact for my friend who lives nearby just in case.

My roommate. We answer unexpected door knocks at night together thanks.

Oh! It's actually your date! Neat! They're early, but you're more or less ready. This is fine. You go to grab a little gift you got them. What did you get for them?(Required)

Nothing. Giving a gift on a first date seems weird, even if it is for some kind of strange spirit.

A bouquet of dried flowers.

A bottle of wine.

Some chocolates!

A mini wreath I made myself.

A beanie I've been crocheting.

A little gnome statue I found in a thrift store.

The gift is the entire dinner I've made for our date!

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