It’s not up for discussion that the world is barrel-rolling towards hell. For example, a man who’s supposedly the President of the United States just drafted legislation allowing him to abscond with his country from the World Trade Organization in order to form what would be called The FART Act. Who and where are we, also why and how.
People who don’t feel this Atlantis-style rumble are so far removed from a minority status that ultimately their opinions are worthless. This article is starting out fun! Which is good, because that’s its purpose. To be fun! Let me tell you why: it’s about shopping.
What for? Well, for the end of the world! I’ve put together the go-bag of your dreams, and all you have to do is purchase its contents before your bank account is frozen by the government. You might be asking yourself what a go-bag is because you’ve spent all of your free time on the phone begging for children to be released from actual cages, not reading about things on the internet. Not to worry!
A go-bag is something with which you nearly escape disaster and is the only item in your possession that’ll give you a fighting chance at surviving the aftermath. A go-bag is your lifeline, your friend, and, hell, with how starved for human connection you’ll soon be, it might even become your child.
What You’ll Need
Hand sanitizers
Yes, bitch, plural! We stan sterilization! One’s for your go-“go-bag,” and one’s for your self-surgery station. We want bacteria to be as scarce as our water, so grab a handful, plus a little extra, because, hey, a little dab in the mouth never hurt anybody!
Moisturizer
Just because the world’s dusty doesn’t mean your face has to be! Slick on that coconut oil and feel confident in knowing you’ve got your daily caloric intake accessible literally on you anytime, anywhere.
Highlighter
Like the soil beneath your feet, we want that face to be radiating, honey, so swipe up for the kind of glow that’ll rival that neighboring mushroom cloud. Dual Purpose Alert: that glare reflected by the sunlight will have those people who wouldn’t have otherwise known there were any more survivors literally and figuratively saying “Who’s that girl?”
Mascara
Now that it’s never night, let’s keep those eyes shielded with an extra layer of lash!
Powder compact
A lot of people won’t tell you that powder compact doubles as a great temporary, easily removable communication agent, but I will. Powder compact is a great temporary, easily removable communication agent. Want to alert your division to your next supply station, but don’t want the whole world to know? Write it with your powder compact against any metal or non porous surface so that once the message is received, someone can make it disappear with the swipe of a hand.
Setting spray
The winds, now our only gods, demand our devotion in the form of bare face prostration. To withstand the elements without a face wrap, you’ll need the kind of veneer that was made to withstand hours-long romps in the bedroom.
Those gel face masks with the eye, nose, and mouth holes
There’s no way around it, these are terrifying. Play this to your advantage by wearing them when you hunt for scrap metal, because no one would dare cross you, The Echo of a Thousand Lizard Queens Clicking their Tongues, for that airplane door. Think of it as self-care.
What They’ll Be Saying
“Hm, sounds like a makeup bag.”
What I’m Saying
It’s one hundred percent a makeup bag. So what! What are you gonna do, sue me? You wish! Anyway, a court of law would be LUCKY to have me, and I think we can all agree that no one would be any worse off with this go-bag in their possession. Plus, we don’t even know what our currency will be, which means there’s a chance that something in this bag could be it.
Good luck to us all!
