Over the last few years, sex toy companies have asked us to review their toys in exchange for, you know, their toys. Today we’re reviewing the G’lorp, an ovipositor created and sold by Primal Hardwere.

Here’s what you need to know about the G’lorp by Primal Hardwere: This is a very specific toy for Very Specific People — and by “Very Specific People,” I mean, “people whose alien egg-laying fetish is so powerful and all-consuming that they are willing to spend $160+ on a custom-made ovipositor, which requires extensive prep and clean-up before and after each use.” So is it worth it? Well, if you’re one of those Very Specific People, yes.

Now here’s what you need to know about me: My girlfriend and I are merely adjacent to the Very Specific People whose sex lives would be forever changed by the G’lorp, and by “adjacent,” I mean, “down for whatever and deeply into role play.” Occasionally, that role play involves me (an alien) “abducting” my girlfriend (a human) and impregnating her with my alien baby (listen, don’t knock it ’til ya try it). When I learned there are sex toys called ovipositors that allow you to lay “alien eggs” in your host, I had to try one.

Here’s where I fucked up: I opted for the G’lorp — Primal Hardwere’s silicone ovipositor with tentacles attached — and I assumed it would be the same size as the Bork — Primal Hardwere’s silicone ovipositor with an alien ballsack attached. The dimensions for each toy are clearly listed on the website, but reader, I forgot to double-check the dimensions. When my ovipositor arrived in the mail, I discovered that the G’lorp is 12.5 inches long and with a tip that’s over two inches in diameter, making this an ideal toy for Size Queens, Kings, and Monarchs and a not-so-ideal toy for my girlfriend’s particular holes — but we decided to make do with our blue and pink tentacle-adorned monstrosity. A quick note on colors: If you decide to order a G’lorp or Bork of your own, you get to choose any colors you’d like — Primal Hardwere even offers glittery options for glamorous alien fetishists!

Along with my G’lorp, I received two alien egg molds — one for large eggs and one for medium eggs, plus egg-making instructions. I used the medium mold, which creates eggs that are a bit girthier than large chicken eggs you’d buy at the grocery store. To make the eggs, Primal Hardwere recommends sprinkling two ounces of plain gelatin (I used the Knox brand) into one cup of cold water while stirring. Using plain gelatin without dyes or sugar is extremely important, especially for aliens like me who prefer to lay their eggs vaginally, since introducing sugar into the vagina can result in a yeast infection. You let the mixture set until it congeals into one solid mass. Then you heat the gelatin on low, stirring constantly until it dissolves; pour the mixture into the egg mold; and refrigerate the eggs overnight. My eggs turned out like this:

The eggs had a slightly “beefy” smell, which my girlfriend and I could have done without, but otherwise, they were impressively smooth and firm. Primal Hardwere also has a vegan egg recipe available upon request, but according to the company’s instructions, those eggs don’t hold together as well.

This is the part of the review when you’re probably wondering, “Wait, your girlfriend is going to let you shove an egg-shaped ball of gelatin up her snatch?” Yes, reader — that’s exactly what happens next. Please sing my girlfriend’s praises in the comments.

With the eggs prepped and waiting beside the almond milk in our refrigerator, my sweetheart and I planned out our role play scene. I’m not going to tell you pervs everything we did leading up to egg-laying, but here’s a brief overview of our plot: My alien friends and I abduct my girlfriend because she’s an ideal specimen for our human/alien breeding program. We examine her for a while and prepare her body for insertion. Then I impregnate her with my huge, tentacle-covered cock. The end. (We also played spaceship sound effects for “realism”).

It’s technically possible to wear the G’lorp in a harness, but due to its size, weight, and tentacles, wielding this toy is still a hands-on process. I opted to just use my hands for the egg-laying. First, you’re supposed to insert the egg into the ovipositor through the back end of the toy and use a plastic tool to shove it down inside the shaft. I struggled to get the egg in that way and I was getting impatient, so I ended up shoving it in through the “mouth” of the toy instead. Then I inserted the bottom “lip” of the G’lorp’s “mouth” inside my girlfriend’s vagina and squeezed the shaft until the egg disappeared inside her. Squeezing out the egg was actually pretty easy, and I was impressed that the egg maintained its shape (initially, I was worried it would just smoosh against her vaginal opening).

You’re probably more curious about how this all went for the recipient in this situation. According to my girlfriend, she enjoyed the experience…at first. She liked feeling the tentacles brush against her thighs and liked the initial sensation of the egg going in, but once the whole egg was inside, her reaction was something along the lines of, “OUCH IT’S TOO BIG,” so she promptly removed it with her fingers. Had the egg been smaller, she said she probably would have kept it in while we continued doing other alien sex things — in that case, the egg would have slowly dissolved inside her vagina and seeped out onto our towel-covered bed (hot).

If I decide to order Primal Hardwere’s smaller egg mold, then we might use this toy again, but considering all the prep involved, the G’lorp won’t be a staple in our sex life. If you, however, are Very Into Alien Egg-Laying, you probably won’t mind mixing up a batch of gelatin eggs on a regular basis — have fun explaining the contents of your fridge to your houseguests.

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