Meanwhile, elsewhere in the lovely city of new York, Madam Tibideaux is attempting to settle herself into yet another eclectic pile of fabric when Kurt Hummel enters with questions about his application and accompanying video, which apparently featured an acoustic WAM! cover.
Madam Tibideaux shares her evaluation of said audition:
Tibideaux: “Here’s a very talented young man who knows how to sell a number, but who is devoid of complexity and depth.”
Kurt: “What?”
Tibideaux: “You gave me surface when I was looking for soul. We are training artists here, Mr.Hummel, performers who are not afraid to show their vulnerability and yes, even their heart.
Kurt: “I have all of those things.”
Tibideaux: “I rarely give anyone a second chance, and when I do, it is on my terms.”
Dismissed.
Smear on back to the frozen tundra of the cinematically weatherless Lima, Ohio, where the New Directions are revealing their respective new directions: empty without Glee Club and undeterred by extracurriculars previously attributed to said characters (because Every Episode Is A Blank Slate!), all the Glee Clubbers have joined extracurriculars to fill the voids in their hearts. For example, Unique has joined floor hockey despite minimal rollergirl skills, Tina & Blaine joined Cheerios, Ryder Bieber-Strong and New Puck joined basketball and Artie has joined the Intermural Nutcracker Reenactment Society, I think.
Joining Cheerios was easier than Tina expected, and we learn why via flashback:
Sue: “I’m gonna be blunt. 60 Minutes is doing a piece on me, and that Leslie Stahl is gonna bring the heat, I could use a handsome, non-flammable gay to articulate how my defeating Glee Club once and for all and absorbing its budget was actually the best thing that ever happened to him. And my squad’s looking a little pale these days. Wouldn’t hurt to add a dash of Yellow #4 to my championship cheer batter.”
Teen Jesus shows up with perhaps both the funniest and the only worthwhile thing he’s ever said:
Teen Jesus: “I joined the Interfaith Paintball league, where Jews, Christians and Muslims can shoot at each other safely.”
Smear over to the Auspicious Auditorium of Aural Atrocities, where Finn’s butthurt regarding the Glee Club’s coping mechanisms.
Finn has managed to snag a 9:54 rehearsal slot for Friday night and encourages the Gleeks to attend, lest we the audience be robbed of a potentially Heartwarming group musical number this fine, fine episode.
Cut back to the lockers for yet another scene discussed in the introduction between Brittany S. Pierce and Sam “White Chocolate” Evans.
In case you’ve already forgotten — I NEVER WILL — this is then said:
Sam: “What about the lesbian blogger community?”
Brittany: “They’re not gonna like it, but the way I figure is that they know they’re my sisters and love is love.”
The ease with which Brittany and Sam subsequently smack their succulent lips together is a poisonous dart to the heart for all of us who begged, pleaded and fever-dreamed for a Brittany/Santana lips to mash up for 44 merciless episodes. Brittany & Sam seem happy though!
Thus we travel gayly back to the Fake Julliard Winter Showcase, for which Carmen Tibideaux has gathered ten students who best exemplify the Fake Julliard spirit to entertain a room of well-dressed extras. We open with the aforementioned Former Freshman Star, who’s rocking a Black Swan get-up because apparently being “born on Broadway” = “being born in toe shoes” now.
Outside the auditorium, The New Rachel is wearing a gown and lots of eye makeup and look who’s here, it’s Geyerdean!
Geyerdean assumes The New Rachel’s freaking out and attempts to calm her nerves, but The New Rachel, being The New Rachel and all, is totally totally fine –
Geyerden: “You’re here because you’re the best of the best.”
The New Rachel: “Well that’s very sweet, that was a very good pep talk. I don’t know, I feel like — I feel like I got this, you know? Look, I know I may not be a typical beauty, no one’s ever gonna pay me to walk the runway at fashion week and I’m not gonna cure cancer or write the Great American Novel, but if you give me a stage to sing on, I know in my gut there’s nobody can beat me.”
Geyerdean: “I can’t believe you can be so calm.”
The New Rachel: “I’m terrified! But I know who I am and I know what I’m gonna do.”
This is a stunning reversal for Glee, who usually prefers its cast members to know who they are, but do something stupid and out-of-character anyhow. Then The New Rachel smacks Geyerdean’s lips with her lips.
Rachel then takes the stage to do a predictably stunning performance of “Being Good Isn’t Good Enough” from Hallelujah Baby.
The New Rachel’s performance earns an enthusiastic standing ovation. For her encore piece, The New Rachel will perform “O Holy Night” ’cause you know how us Jewish girls love our Christmas Carols, and it’s so fucking good that you start crying midway regardless of your feelings re:Jesus.
Carmen Tibideaux: “That was wonderful. No, it was superb.”
Carmen announces that after the commercial break, Kurt Hummel will take the stage. Surprise!
We return from intermission to the Fake Julliard Showcase Building, where Kurt’s flipping out about his surprise audition and his lack of gold pants while frantically scanning his internal songbook for the right song selection. The New Rachel gets all truthy and special and New Rachely:
The New Rachel: “You know when you were your absolute best? My favorite performance ever? When you sang I Wanna Hold Your Hand in the choir room, it was so just simple and emotional and I don’t know, I get the chills every time I think about it. Do you remember that?”
It’s all so much, really. It brings me back to my youth, of course, when I was 18, living in New York City, eating fat slabs of cake at Cafe Mozart or lounging in various tiny apartments with my friends who went to Real Julliard and other advanced theatrical institutions in Manhattan, talking about audition songs like they were the most important things in the world because everything felt so big and close but at the same time, you’d never felt so little. When they manage to touch that time in this show, it works, and you know what else works? Kurt’s performance of “Being Alive.”
Unfortunately we’re forced to view while riding the psychotic bird of death Glee straps its cameras to for musical numbers, but whatever.
Cut to ten minutes or two hours later when The New Rachel calls Finn for no real reason, and luckily Finn’s not-busy sitting on his bed staring at his trophies thinking about leeks:
Finn: “Everyone’s giving up and moving on. It’s over, we’re done competing for the year.”
Rachel: “Finn, Glee Club isn’t just about competing.”
Finn: “Are you kidding? You live to compete. Kurt told me you were competing tonight. How’d it go?”
Rachel: “I won.”
Finn: [gets teary] “Great. Wow, that’s uh.. congratulations.”
Rachel: “Finn, listen to me. You know even if we never won our sectionals or Nationals had never happened, it would still have been worth it. I mean, Glee is about the love, the music, it’s about people like Puck and Artie not just singing together but actually being friends, Brittany and Mike dancing for fun when none of us is around. It’s even about the romances, you know they come and go, but they’re just as important. Look, those kids, they respect you so m uch and they look up to you so don’t let them give up on their dreams, okay? Promise me one thing: don’t give up on yours.”
We then cut to the suspiciously empty auditorium for the 9:54 rehearsal which nobody attends besides Sad Marley-Kate, who comes bearing news: she’s found a place where they can practice and nobody will kick them out, such as the Fox Network. (Sidenote: if 9:54 was the only available timeslot, why isn’t anybody in the auditorium at 9:53, when Finn’s waiting?)
Cut to the following day, I think but also really who cares, at McKinley High School For Wayward Grrrls, where Finn is unlawfully appropriating my favorite movie of all time, The Breakfast Club, by writing the entire Glee Club a stupid letter that pales in comparison to Brian’s letter in the actual Breakfast Club but whatever, Glee, whatever!
Dear Glee Cub:
I realize most of you think it’s stupid to still call us that, I mean, our season’s over, so what are we now, really? We lost sectionals which means there’s no more competitions, and Sue stole our space, so what do we have left? Nothing. We’ve got nothing.
I got a phone call from Rachel last night. She just won the Winter Showcase at NYADA, which is like this huge deal — like not once in history has it ever gone to a freshman.
And she reminded me why I joined Glee Club in the first place. It’s about music. Every one of us loves music. and no one can take that away from us, I’m not giving up on you. Marley found a place where we can rehearse and I want us to meet there today after school at 5 o’clock. I hope to see you all there.”
Which brings us to the next day at 5 o’clock, because it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. Initially it seems just Marley-Kate and a six-foot stack of Potatoes O’Brien will be participating in this weak rendition of Crowded House’s “Don’t Dream It’s Over” but of course it’s only 44 seconds before the rest of the children, stuffed into various winterwear fashions, appear full of joy and holiday spirit!
Oh and back in New York City, Kurt’s been accepted to Fake Julliard! I think! That’s what happened at the end, right? I’m pretty sure it is.
Whatever will Carrie Bradshaw do without her own Pocket Gay? Stay tuned for the remainder of this season of Glee, in which that question and many others will likely never be addressed or heard from again!!
