Welcome back to Glee, the only show on television that thinks it’s okay to go an entire episode without even mentioning major characters. This week the Gleesters take on super heros!
I CALL THIS MEETING OF THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY IDIOTS TO ORDER.
We open on the spandexed halls of McKinley High where for no apparent reason whatsoever the Super Hero Club is the hottest new thing. The club meeting is called to order and the mildly confusing Not The X-Men are roll-called.
SUPER POWERS: BEING CONVINCED TO PLAY SECOND STRING CHARACTERS
THE HUMAN BRAIN, WITH THE POWER TO LIQUIFY YOUR PANTIES
So that’s a thing. While I love superheroes as much as the next former Anime Club president, I’m wondering just one thing. Where the hell is Unique? Seriously? Not one person mentions her the entire episode. Was it just too hard to give Unique a rehashed Wonder Woman/Emma Frost like everyone else?
EVEN IF YOU SWITCHED THESE COSTUMES IT WOULDN’T CREATE ANY CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT.
SUGAR’S SUPER POWER IS MONEY. NO, REALLY.
The Whitey Tighty Wonder Squad distresses over the latest evil plot at McKinley: someone has stolen the New Direction’s National’s Trophy! Dun Dun Dunnnnn. Sitting in the trophy’s former spot of glory is a laptop with a secret message from the Warblers saying, “Come and get it motherfuckers.”
AND YOUR HARNESS. GIVE IN TO US OR WE’RE MAILING IT TO YOUR MOM.
Oh. Also I put all the screencaps in comic sans this week for lolz because of the superhero theme.
Over at the Hallway Lockers set, it’s more of the Newsies reunion. Jake wants Marley, Marley wants Jake, Ryder wants Marley, Marley wants Ryder. Ryder and Jake fight, blah blah blah.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE GIRL IN THE GREEN SHIRT WHO’S LIKE “OH. A FIGHT. JUST ANOTHER DAY AT MCKINLEY.”
Who breaks up the fight? It’s none other than the most terrifying combo super villan of all. Mr. Finn Schuester.
WHAT?! THIS ISN’T HOT COCOA? THIS IS MUD!
That’s right, our least favorite kid is now dressing like our least favorite teacher. Everything is terrible I wish this were a dream I could wake up from. We join the vested potato in the choir room where he announces that this year’s theme for regionals will be Foreign! Singing Foreigner songs dressed as super racists representations of people throughout the world.
For a brief moment I was worried I was going to have to actually want this shitshow go down. Nope! The students revolt! Don’t worry though, this episode is enough of a shitshow on its own.
Starsweep to Prepland where Blaine scopes out the Warblers’ hot asses. We all think the Big Bad is going to be Sebastian, but alas, this wolf has turned puppy dog. He’s turned over a new leaf of sugar and spice and everything nice. Maybe this means he and Blaine will be able to play footsie with their mouths, if you know what I mean.
I’M GONNA STICK MY FIST SO FAR UP INTO THAT HAIR
Instead, the Big Bad is some bro named Hunter Clarington.
BECAUSE JOKES ASIDE THAT WAS ACTUALLY MY FIRST QUESTION
So obviously I’m instantly disinterested in him. Unfortunately, you know he means Glee Club business because he was in this really important iCarly music video.
Hunter convinces Blaine to go back to his roots and try on a Dalton blazer and sing “Dark Side,” a Kelly Clarkson song like old times. It was basically like every other cookie cutter Warblers song that didn’t include Blaine and Kurt romantically serenading each other. Also, Kelly, I love you but please please hire better songwriters. You have a killer voice but clearly a failing management team.
THE ONLY PUSSY OF THE EPISODE
Meanwhile, Coach Bieste explains to Finn that dressing up as a super hero is cool, makes sense and is definitely totally absolutely appropriate for a teacher to do.
UP YOURS WING-BOY
She also choose BM as her super hero initials which was… short sighted unless her super power is keeping things really really regular. Actually, that seems like a somewhat important superpower. She’s also from the planet Testotregen which I wish was real because I just feel like I would get laid there a ton.
FIGHTING NAUSEA, HEARTBURN, INDIGESTION, UPSET STOMACH, DIARRHEA.
Startsweep to the next day, where Finn is seen dressing up as his alter ego The Almighty Teen Cucumber. A superhero with the talent and charisma of a giant dressed up cucumber. Oh yeah, and “uniting glee clubs.” Vomit vomit vomit. Barf barf barf. He announces that even though every single member of the New Directions went most of high school hating Rachel, the New New Directions will only succeed if everyone loves everyone.
AND NEXT WEEK, THEATRIC THREESOMES!
Finn decides that instead of practicing for sectionals, which is in a week, the New Directions can just make something up on the bus or back stage. Their time is better spent watching kids who don’t get along work out their differences through song. So Psycho Quinn is with Marley and Baby Puck is with Ryder.
JUST LIKE FINN’S SINGING VOICE
Post Glee Club class thing, Psycho Quinn tells Marley they’re singing Holding Out For a Hero and she’ll be dressing as Femme Fatale “because it means kill women in French.” Cue the laugh track.
OMG IS THAT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE WITH ALL THE PUBIC HAIR SHAVED OFF?!
Similarly Jake and Ryder decide they both want to be the hip new superhero Mega Stud. A name which is Super Lame when give the opportunity to go around as the Lone Ryder and Pucker-Punch. Seriously boys that only took me three minutes to come up with. Try harder.
I THINK I HAVE TO FART
I DEFINITELY HAVE TO FART
They challenge each other which magically transports them to a musical sequence in which they play Republican and Democratic candidates debating. Just kidding they’re both Clark Kent because they’re both singing R.E.M.’s “Superman.”
TRIPLE KISS
I liked it. Don’t judge me, I’m a sheep and I’m still enjoying this thing where Glee Project kid can sing.
IT’S REALLY MORE OF A WOMEN’S MAGAZINE. DICK.
Oh right but then mid-song PuckerMan punches the Lone Ryder for no apparent reason and they fight more aggressively than when Finn and Puck fought over that whole Puck Got Finn’s Girlfriend Pregnant thing. You know, back when we had actual tangible reasons for characters to hate each other instead of just partially explained half-reasons like, “You know, girls and stuff.” As soon as they start fighting Finn just starts flailing like a slinky cucumber. There is, at least, a pretty spectacular moment where Jake’s capes flies in the wind as he tackles Ryder.
PRACTICING FOR NEXT WEEK WHEN GLEE CLUB DOES HOG TYING
Finn decides that the two’s entirely irrational fist fight shouldn’t result in disciplinary action, instead they just have to admit they’re “kryptonite” to each other. Like talk about their feelings and shit. Not right at that moment because Finn wouldn’t want to be there or anything, but like, um, at another time. You know? This sounds a lot like when teachers force kids to go to peer mediation. Except Finn isn’t a teacher and this isn’t peer mediated. So actually this is just the 19 year old leader of a group forcing two 15 year old members of said group to do something to continue participating. Like hazing but with less peanut butter and more feelings. Feelings Hazing.
SEE GUYS, THE KEY TO BEING A GOOD MALE LEAD IS TO TAKE UP SO MUCH SCREEN TIME THAT EVENTUALLY THE WRITERS JUST FORGET THE OTHER CHARACTERS EXIST
Starsweep to the choir room where Finn tries to negotiate another issue he has no business meddling in. Blaine is thinking about leaving McKinley. That’s right, Blaine is considering going back to Dalton and joining the Warblers. Which is supposed to be… a bad thing?
I JUST WANT TO GO TO A CHOIR THAT ISN’T RUN BY AN OVERGROWN MAN CHILD WHO PLAYS WITH WEIRD DOLLS WITH OUR FACES ON THEM.
I get that we’re on team New Directions and that the Warblers are supposed to be the enemy, but why on earth shouldn’t Blaine go back to Dalton Academy? It was made clear upon Blaine’s appearance that he could afford to go to private school, and in reality it was probably a dumb move to transfer schools for his boyfriend. Like a really dumb move. Maybe Blaine should finish out his senior year in a school where the arts aren’t constantly in distress. Plus Dalton has that great zero tolerance policy on bullying. Not to mention the fact that Blaine seemed to have plenty of friends at Dalton. Also, where are Blaine’s parents on this one? I feel like this is a major family decision. Maybe Blaine just lives alone in a boxcar solving mysteries.
On that note, it’s time for a page break.
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Commenting as a show of support that you had to think about that episode any longer than necessary. Thought they might have been able to make the super hero thing fun but no. And you are spot on with rushing through stories with no setup. And yet I’m watching. And yet. And yet.
I feel like people who have to point out that they are “not remotely bi-curious” are not remotely telling the truth. Been there, done that.
The Boxcar Children photoshops SLAY me. With the ponytails flying behind them? Best.
I actually thought this episode was kind of okay BUT YEAH WHERE THE FUCK IS UNIQUE. JESUS.
Credit goes to Intern Geneva!!
It’s never lupus.
Or sarcoidosis….
Or vasculitis!
lolololol Boxcar children.
Oh flying fuck, Quinn’s back. Be still, my pulsing [not-heart]. Arrrrggghhh do I watch it or not?
This makes me so happy, I didn’t think they were going to brink Quinn back. I say you should watch it for Brittana and Quinn. And look! They are singing! I am already swooning.
I love Quinn but I just want her to be away from the show, living somewhere the glee writers can’t touch her, with an ALH and a coherent personality :(
I’m going to go out on a limb and admit that I actually really liked this episode? Yes it was silly and over-wrought and ridiculous, but it was so GLEEFUL. They seem to have remembered that they’re a comedy and not just one long After School Special.
I agree. There wasn’t enough lesbosex plot and there were obvious things I had a problem with, but I’m a sucker for a couple good songs. A sucker for that gleeful shit, you know?
Except I’m tragically bored with marley already. So so so bored.
I haven’t sat through this episode yet but…
Sawyer your hair is amazing. Nuff said. :)
In England, “fanny” means vagina. One of my friends has a joke that goes: “In America, fanny pack is a noun.” Which is hilarious, right? BUT…
this means that looking at a picture of Finn with the caption about fanny packs makes me cringe even more than looking at Finn usually does, because it makes bad images. Ugh.
Did that Hunter guy get his villain clues from Inspector Gadget?!
Is it bad that I read the title to this post as “Dull Dildos”?
No. That’s amazing.
I feel like a Boxcar Children/Glee mash-up show would be infinitely more watchable than what is currently happening.
I haven’t watched this show for ages and I wish you didn’t have to either, but this recap made me laugh multiple times.
Every time I read one of your fantastic recaps and you make a very good point like the very lazy story telling I am suddenly like “YES! This is the issue that I have been noticing but have been unable to put in to words!!” So thank you for helping me to explain my frustration with Glee to others. :)
Still not watching the show, in fact I read your recaps to see if there are any significant Rachel/Kurt/Santana/Quinn moments.
In any case I snickered at the first Boxcar Children screen cap, laughed out loud at the second, and laughed so hard tears came out of my eyes at the third.
I fear I just don’t understand man haircuts: every time I see a screenshot of Ryder, I’m instantly convinced it’s Artie. (Close enough, really.)
Boxcar Children Glee = this NEEDS to be a thing!
Marley grows on me more and more each week.
I teared up at the dyslexia scene. Because I work with youth who have gone through exactly what Rider has gone through and it’s sad and you’re happy for them when they realize it’s not a big deal and they’re actually smart.
I liked that the boys bonded, but per usual the boys are allowed to have these breakthroughs and the girls…never. I can only hope Kitty and Marley will become real friends in the future.
Also the reason the girls never bond in the same way (o/s of Santana and Brittany before their romantic relationship) is because the boys are in the same class strata. Like Jake and Rider. Very different, but in HS world, both “hott” or “cool” guys. Santana and Brittany -> both popular cheerleaders. It took forever for Quinn and Rachel because in real HS world in would have taken forever too. They’re on different levels on the popularity totem pole. Same for Kitty and Quinn. So I guess I get it, but I wish for once, maybe they bring in two girls who realistically get along from jump.
Same for Kitty and Marley*
YES to the mixed signals! Sometimes I think Kitty is confused by her evil and is actually charmed by Marley, but still wants to destroy her for stealing her man or whatever.
More likely… the writers are just confused.
“More importantly, Kitty, what the deuce is your angle? Are you just trying to give as many mixed signals as possible in hopes that eventually the two of you will sing “Landslide” with Gwyneth Paltrow? “
Damn how I miss the old seasons with the just old cast :( although I do think Kitty is sooo se*cough*… Uh intriguing.. Yes, I meant intriguing. ;)
I don’t even watch Glee anymore for obvious reasons, but I keep reading your recaps because they make me laugh out loud. Especially the human potato parts :3 I miss the old cast though.