Welp, it’s time for the big contest-o! The Sectional Situational Focus Group Glee Club Choir Show Chorus Musical Runaway Bunny Finale! This season’s judges include Donna Landries, Ohio’s favorite vice comptroller, WOGN News 8 Anchorman Rod Remington and Westminster Kennel Club’s trainer of the year Butch Melman, played by Fortune Feimster!
The first team, The Falconers, are here to teach us about owls and how useful they are to young wizards at Hogwarts with a musical number called “Broken Wings.”
https://youtu.be/wpt4dg2Ry4Q
We return from a relaxing commercial break to witness the incomparable Vocal Adreniline tonsil hockey team perform a musical situation, beginning with “We Built This City (On Rock ‘n Roll).” It’s good.
https://youtu.be/JM9_TEbQTlk
I’m glad Glee is using its final moments on this earth to regale us with musical numbers starring a bunch of randoms! No really. I love you Glee. You are so weird. You are like the campiest thing to ever get this far on television in the history of gay men being in charge of things on television. If you haven’t read Emily Nussbaum’s New Yorker article about Ryan Murphy then you cannot see this show for what it is and you should rectify that immediately.
Oh then they do “Hey Mickey!” It’s pretty good, too.
https://youtu.be/2kJKC_dDMZs
Back in the Glee Room, Spencer’s getting amped about his upcoming shot of cortisone while Myron the Bar Mitzvah Boy declares, “I am gonna murder this. There will be weeping.” Schuster welcomes his students to the sacred institution of the Show Choir Circle.
They should probably be preparing to perform but instead they’re gonna talk about Rachel’s feelings. How many times have I already asked you to never change? Okay, here’s one more: NEVER CHANGE, GLEE.
Rachel: A couple of months ago I crawled into this choir room with a mission – a selfish one. I needed you guys to help me get my groove back. And it came true! Now the world is opening up to me and the best part is that in this moment, I don’t care. All that matters to me is you guys and the strength of this circle that you have created. So go out there and enjoy it. Enjoy the lights and the applause and the cheers because you guys have earned it. And I know we all know that this could be the last time that the New Directions perform together, so as a member of the old guard, I just want to say that we couldn’t be more proud that you guys are the ones bringing us home.
I think she means she’s really glad that nobody from The Glee Project is in the cast anymore.
Snap-dash over to the locker room, where Spencer’s about to shoot up — therefore risking the ongoing health of his joints and limbs and possibly ruining his life forever and ever —
—when Roderick bursts in and begs him not to do it because HE HAS AN IDEA.
We begin with “Take Me To Church” by Hozier, starring Roderick with backup from Jane and Kitty, eventually, full of the dramatic reveals and boomy ballads this show wedded itself to when it chose to be obsessed with Journey.
https://youtu.be/J4jG8cR7y9c
Next up is Sia’s “Chandelier,” and mid-number Myron shows up dressed like the little girl in the video and seriously if this is the entire reason his character exists, I’m kinda okay with it. This is so ridiculous and funny! I love this! NEVER CHANGE GLEE. SHINE ON YOU TERRIBLE BEAUTY.
https://youtu.be/rv1MHcqEIsc
By the way, Roderick’s big idea is to have Spencer swing in on a chandelier. I guess was jealous abut missing his opportunity to swing around onstage like they did last season for “Roar.” This show is SO uncool, right? Like it remains uncool and I think the only people left are the equivalent of Rentheads. I mean that in an affectionate way, though. I’m still here, so.
We finish the big show with “Sail Away,” which’s the least impressive of the three songs, not partially because that was when my hopes for a Jane solo were summarily dashed.
https://youtu.be/bwN63Ja7kmE
In the teacher’s lounge, the judges attempt to reach a decision, which Donna Landries finds challenging ’cause she thinks they were all terrible.
Donna Landries: What’s up with that bird school? Is that a public school? Is that where my taxpayer dollars are going?
The news anchor likes the New Directions because of the females. He particularly likes Jane because she’s rocking an “au natural Pam Grier Afro.” Jesus Christ.
Rod Remington: Sister’s got it GOIN ON. She’s got me hankering for a piping hot cup of cocoa.
Donna: What the hell did you just say to me?
Butch Melman says the decision is really Trixie’s, ’cause Trixie was invited to be the judge, not her.
Donna hates everything:
Donna: That was the worst music I’ve ever heard. There’s not a single person on earth who woke up and said, “You know what song I just really need to hear today? Hey Mickey.” By the time fatty was signing “take me to the church” I was like, “Okay, provided the service we attend is my funeral.”
Rod says something else and Donna says they should just vote. I agree, lez get this show on the road!
Smash back to the Big Grand Ole Stage Opry, where the teams are assembled to hear which one of them will be sent to an island to battle each other to the death. Guess who wins!!?!?!?!?!
THE NEW NEW NEW NEW DIRECTION WARBLERS!!!
Sue Sylvester and William Schuster face each other’s faces in the Glee Room, where Sue tells William Schuster that he should thank her for handing his Glee Club a victory on a silver platter.
Sue says that because William and Beiste were the only humans who dared defend her honor on Geraldo, she decided to sabotage Vocal Adrenaline from the inside. William can’t believe it, ’cause their routine was quite good, but Sue reveals that the songs she chose were chosen specifically to give the judges PTSD. But what about the glitter bombs? The barf party? She has explanations for all of it. Except for blowing up the car — she did that just for fun.
Alas, William refuses to thank Sue for what she sees as basically giving him tenure and a pony.
Sue:Â Okay, change of plans, buttchin. I’m gonna take the weekend, maybe fly down to my condo in Boca, brown up a bit, and when I come back, I will have come up with some brand-new ways to destroy you.
I know what she’s gonna do y’all. SHE’S GONNA CANCEL THE SHOW!
Over in the ‘ol April Rhodes Pavillion, Jesse St. James is sitting in the auditorium daydreaming about mashups and teen hormones. He invites Rachel to crash at his apartment in New York, “no strings attached.” I hope its’ as palatial as the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft! Unfortunately, Rachel’s chosen to turn down the role and go back to Fake Julliard:
Rachel: I turned down the part and I decided to go back to NYADA. I think I was afraid that going back to college would be a step backwards but I think it’s a step in the right direction.
He says he’s not mad but he’s sad they won’t be onstage together every night, but he’s proud of her for not taking the easy road back to Broadway. There’s no such thing as an easy road back to Broadway though? Besides, I guess, “being on American Idol.”
Jesse say it’s truly inevitable that they’ll run into each other in New York, which’s 100% true. They’ll both be at Angus in about a week circa 2am sharing a fruit plate with vodka shots. Then they kiss! Right on the lip smackers!
We then cut to the Glee Club room where everybody’s celebrating with what I wish was champagne but is probably sparkling grape juice. William tells them to remember this incredible moment in their lives when they put aside their differences and joined together as a team. He points out that although Kurt and Rachel are leaving, it’s just the beginning for everybody else!
Now it’s time to put the trophy into the display case on top of the shelf or what-have-you, which triggers a little memory montage of all the other wins…
and all the other trophies…
Sue glances in and gives a little smile.
Everybody is really proud of themselves for placing a trophy on top of a stationary object, it’s a big moment for carrying things and placing things on top of other things. As the episode wound to its end, I felt sad that there wasn’t a closing number. I love those closing numbers. In lieu of a closing number, I’m just gonna talk about Glee for a minute while listening to one of the 76 Glee covers I have on my iTunes.
