The Lima Bean.
Aaron Echols: Should I get a new suit to wear to your friends’ wedding, or will you be going with your certain future husband, Blaine Warbler?
Kurt: What? Ha! Ha ha! Is this about how I found out you murdered Lily Kane and are therefore the Original A?
Aaron Echols: No, it’s about I’m 100 years older than you and you’re obviously in love with your ex-fiance.
Kurt:Â Christ, man! That felt like getting smacked in the nose! “Ex”-fiance? What an awful thing to say.
Aaron Echols: Point proven. You could drive to Blaine’s house to get him back or you could just run there on foot, which will take ten times as long and also give you hella blisters, but is infinitely more romantic.
Kurt: Yes! This is a good plan!
Kurt does run all the way to Blaine and Dave’s former apartment, and it takes them six breathless seconds to make up and grab each other’s faces and kiss and kiss like how you when you come up for air after you’ve been drowning in the ocean. Good heavens!
Riese: Kurt’s going to the wedding with Blaine ‘cause he doesn’t want Aaron Echols to clock him in the head with a baseball bat. OMG Kurt and Blaine are back together! THIS IS THE GAYEST SHOW OF ALL TIME.
Tina assembles Blaine and Artie and Puck — who was compelled by the Air Force to burn all of his non-Air Force uniform clothing when he went away to boot camp, apparently — in the auditorium of their old high school to get their opinion on a thing. She wants to ask Mike Chang to marry her. Puck says yeah, go for it, true love and whatever. These are the only words he speaks for the whole episode. Blaine is so high on reconciling with Kurt that his whole demeanor right now can be described as “red pandas playing in the snow” so everything involving love is a go. Artie, however, is like, “Tina, honey, you are Tina-ing this hardcore. Pull up and take a second to use your brain, okay?” Tina does not like that answer one bit.
Riese: THESE KIDS ARE OUT OF CONTROL. Seriously, what is wrong with these people? So far they have like a 6% success rate with following through on weddings in this town. The only reason Brittany and Santana are getting married is because Ryan Murphy legit fears the lesbian blogging community. He thought he could scare us away by saying our name out loud on the teevee but our witchy powers will always win every time!
Sue calls Santana to her office to say her feelings are hurt about Santana not inviting her to the wedding. Sue’s gonna say a thing later about how OG New Directions are like her kids and but she’s terrified of love and so that’s why she keeps saving their lives and ruining their lives in a demented but hilarious cycle of Road Runner/Coyote antics. It actually almost makes sense. Almost. Santana says the reasons she’s not inviting Sue are all about her previous erratic wedding behaviors (eg. marrying herself, wearing an exact replica of Emma Pillsbury’s wedding dress). She says Sue can never do a truly selfless thing. And that really does upset Sue because what is locking two dudes in a fake elevator and using your nightmare doppelganger puppet to force them to kiss if not selfless?
Wedding day! Sugar Motto is here from the future! Burt and Carole are here being flawless! Everyone is taking selfies and getting stuck in the mud in their heels and Kurt and Blaine are posing like American Gothic!
Kurt:Â Remember when you guys got married and Sue’s mom was a Nazi hunter?
Burt: Yes, this show really has been a hot mess.
Kurt:Â It’s nuts that me and Blaine also almost got married, huh? Just coocookachoo! Crazytown Bananapants! Right, Dad? Do you think … Dad, do you think we were fools?
Burt: I mean, yeah. Loving another person and accepting their love in return, that is coocookachoo, always. It’s terrifying and it’s statistically absurd to commit your whole life to another person. But finding someone who makes you want to take that risk is the greatest thing that can happen to you as a human being on this earth.
Carole:Â If you wait until you’re ready, until you feel completely ready like you’ve got all your ducks in a row and nothing can go wrong, you’ll never make the leap, because that day never comes. I’m going to invoke the lesson of Finn here. Life is over so fast.
Brittany is in the barn’s bridal suite coming unglued about the bad luck of Santana seeing her in her wedding dress, so she sends her bridesmaids — Tina, Rachel and Mercedes — out to fetch various magical things she can use to do reverse curses. Santana foils her plans by walking right in and looking at her in her wedding dress again. Brittany starts zigging and zagging around so maybe Santana can’t get a really good look at her, but finally Santana just hold Brittany’s hands in her hands and explains that pretty much all wedding traditions have deeply misogynistic roots, including the one about not seeing the bride in her wedding gown, and when you come out as gay, you’re not becoming the opposite of straight and choosing to adhere to society’s stupid norms, upside-down. You’re smashing through the barrier of what’s expected and choosing to forge your own path in all the ways. Coming out is like being reborn.
Riese: Santana refuses to let Brittany hide her dress from the world. It needs to live in the light with Olivia Pope. The rules don’t apply to them! She says it’s good luck to see the bride before the wedding so they can kiss with tongue!
They kiss real good then, sweet and long and open-mouthed, just the two of them.
