They sound as good as ever on “Dance The Night Away,” but Will doesn’t care about that garbage. Will cares about how he feels about how they feel about him. Rachel peeps him from the cheap seats in the auditorium and gets it. She knows a thing or two about thespian narcissism. She’s obviously coming to him for comfort and so he spends ten minutes talking about, “Look at me now, Rachel! The coach of the most famous show choir in the world!”
Which, to be fair, is probably less of him making everything about himself for once and more like, “You can still achieve your dreams even if you are perpetually the worst!” Which is a sad, true fact about life, but Mr. Schue doesn’t rest on that beat. He weaves a metaphor about life being a bow and arrow and how if you don’t bend you’ll break, or maybe he’s trying to give her some helpful advice about how Hollywood is the real life Hunger Games? Oh man, you know who would be the best mentor for Rachel Berry? Effie Trinkett! Those broads would conquer the universe together.
Will & The Boys insist that the best way for Rachel to get over her failure is to watch That’s So Rachel until she doesn’t want to throw up any more. It is a Friends-style multi-camera laugh-track sitcom with bright colors, every kind of minority character, and a bunch of Urkel-y jokes. It’s like Bojack Horseman’s Horsin’ Around but with black and gay people. I want to say it’s awful but also it exists in a world where Two and a Half Men is still a thing, so probably it should have just been on CBS and not Fox and everything would have been okay. But it was not and so here we are.
Watching it does give Rachel the courage to go to the school board, though, and request permission to restart the glee club at McKinley; she even offers to to fund it herself.
You know the next part even before it happens: She goes home and Kurt is sitting on her bed, crying. Blaine is a good rebound companion, but Kurt is her best friend, so it’s good and right that he’s here and they can heal together, especially since he’s the only one whose dreams haven’t completely unspooled between seasons, even though he broke up with Blaine. Kurt’s therapist says he was always picking fights with Blaine because men argue to stay connected, but Blaine didn’t want to do that because he’s not afraid of intimacy. I do not know if that is true about men. I started to Google “fighting to stay connected” but Google suggested “fighting to save the world” and the first result was “SUPER FIGHTING ROBOT MEGAMAN FIGHTING TO SAVE THE WORLD,” so I … lost a little bit of time on that one.
Rachel has the perfect idea and it is that she and Kurt will bring the glee club back to McKinley, together. Sue takes the news as well as you would expect. She calls Kurt a “cartoon gay walrus” and promises that they’ll beg for death before this show is finished, which actually doesn’t feel like meta commentary, but I’m going to take it as such. Rachel thinks some more about how Mr. Schue said she should buy a bow and arrow. And Sue shakes pencil shavings and sheets of paper all over the former Becky Jackson Memorial Computer Lab before storming out to do whatever amazing things she does with her free time. Building a nuclear reactor from some plans she found on the internet. Playing Mortal Kombat. Raising a herd of baby dragons in her backyard. Who’s to say, really. Who’s to say.
It’s truly ridiculous how many plots the final season is rehashing when there are ten billion new stories to tell, but I honestly never get tired of Sue’s schtick because Jane Lynch is so good at it. Also, there’s a new character in the next episode and her name is Jane and I am so into everything about her, including how she tells Blaine she’s gonna be her own savior and he can just step; maybe she’ll be fresh enough to see us through to the end!
Scandals! I was hoping we’d see Scandals again before the end! Blaine and Kurt meet up at Scandals so Kurt can tell Blaine he’s there to win him back blah blah of course and Blaine tells Kurt he loves him forever and — oh, whoa. Wait. No. Blaine tells Kurt he’s dating Karofsky. Karofsky! That Karofsky! Blaine and Karofsky met at Country Bear Night a couple of months ago and now they call each other Yogi and Boo-Boo!
Oh, man. I had heard this rumor, but Yogi and Boo-Boo? Kurt looks like he is about to vomit all over everything. Instead, he goes to the bathroom and cries. I want to feel sorry for him because as I have said repeatedly over the years, watching Kurt Hummel cry is like some kind of Sarah McLachlan homeless puppy depression hellscape, but then he sits down on the floor of a public restroom and I am the one who has to vomit. GET UP, HUMMEL! Go to a clean floor and cry! I cannot comfort you down there! Take a shower and I will hug you. (Take two showers and I will hug you.)
Mr. Schue drops by McKinley to ask Rachel if now is a good time to talk about her dead boyfriend. Then he decorates her office how he likes it. The real mystery Glee‘s final season is: Will I ever feel another pang of empathy for Mr. Schue in my entire life? My own personal money is on no, but it would be a nice shock if it was yes.
Rachel decides it is time to sing Let It Go, and she crushes it like shamazowa, like it’s in her actual DNA or something. There’s a hurricane in the school, lockers slamming open, papers flying through the air, but she powers through and settles into her office and hangs up a glee club sign-up sheet and also that ubiquitous gold star.
Rachel?
Please, I know you are scared
Seeing you in Lima fills me with chagrin
They say “be gentle,” and I’m trying to
I’m cheering out here for you, just don’t give in
You only have each other
It’s just you and Quinn
What are you gonna do?
Do you wanna be on Broadway?
You’re gonna be the best on Broadway.
Leave McKinley High.
 Glee Episode 602 recap: Right here.Â
