We then return to Fake Julliard’s Esteemed Stagefighting Class, where Kurt and Blaine are poking each other with large sticks. The instructor announces that for this exercise they’ll be playing Spartans and Athenians, and the Spartans will be going shirtless, because everything that happens in this show is basically gay porn.

holy shit i'm stoned
holy shit i’m stoned

Kurt monologues about how he used to never wanna take his shirt off, but now that Chris Colfer has been working himself into a solid hunk of post-adolescent gayboy crush bait and eaten more protein, he’s all about it and he feels way into his skin.

Kurt: “I have to be mindful of Blaine now. New school, new city, it’s stressful. He’s being tested. We, as a couple, are being tested. I can’t let my new confidence erode his.”

Thus we snap on over to Chez Mercedes, where Kurt’s suggesting to Blaine that they have a date night, e.g., dinner and a movie. Blaine says he’s already begun preparing them a million-calorie feast and so Kurt can go ahead and pick the movie.

What do you mean you don't want to eat a cream puff fried in dough and covered in cream, that is my favorite afternoon snack?
What do you mean you don’t want to eat a cream puff fried in dough and covered in cream, that is my favorite afternoon snack?

Kurt expresses disinterest in consuming fettuccine alfredo, potatos au gratin and a chocolate molten cake, and Blaine thinks Kurt doesn’t think Blaine’s instrument is tuned. Then Kurt opens Blaine’s laptop to figure out when Butt Boys #85 is coming on and discovers that Blaine’s been perusing Frat Boi Physicals.

Unfortunately these are not my kind of bois
Unfortunately these are not my kind of bois

Kurt: “Whatever you do on your computer is your business but I can’t help but think that we haven’t been intimate in like, a week, and maybe this is why.”

Blaine wants to talk about this situation but Kurt wants to storm out and go eat a salad at Pax and see an indie film at the quad ALL BY HIMSELF.

Is debating whether or not this is worse than what's currently showing on his laptop screen
Wow Blaine, I had no idea there was an entire tumblr devoted to BLAM

Back at Chez Mercedes, Mercedes wants to know what it was like the first time Rachel rode Finn’s hobby horse. Rachel says it was special because she was with him and they loved each other and he’d just made her a big slab of meat even though she’s vegan.

I mean sometimes I'm like, yeah, obvs I've got great tits, but like, my mouth is up here?
Honestly I had no idea what to do with my rack until I read Stef’s Bra guide, and then my whole life changed

Mercedes is worried she won’t be any good at it, but Rachel insists that if they’re in love and it’s right then Sam will make her feel like she’s his One and Only.

Back at Stage Combat class, Blaine shows up super-pissed ’cause Kurt did NOT meet him at the diner before class as promised. Blaine wants to talk about the website thing, which Kurt insists he’s not actually upset about, which I think is probably true, and also very mature and gay of him.

Okay, everybody now! "Merrily we row along, row along —"
Okay, everybody now! “Look down, look down, you’re standing in your grave, look down —”

Anyhow, obviously it’d be best to work out these issues in song. Specifically, “Love is a Battlefield” by the great Pat Benatar.

http://youtu.be/FmvP5QHfhh8

Then they start fencing really aggressively. It’s a bad scene, you guys.

Cut to Fake Ellen’s Stardust Diner, where Mercedes and Sam are on a date and Sam is trying to woo her so that they can do the horizontal mambo.

"I have a question about the chicken? If you could tell us a little more about it? Is this local? Is that USDA Organic or Portland Organic? How big is the area where the chickens are able to roam free? Did he have a lot of chickens as friends?
“I have a question about the chicken? If you could tell us a little more about it? Is this local? Is that USDA Organic or Portland Organic? How big is the area where the chickens are able to roam free? Did he have a lot of chickens as friends?

Then Artie shows up with the lesbian from Friday Night Lights and he thinks everybody is talking about how he has an STD even though they’re just talking about milkshakes and menus and shit and again he imagines himself being a Walking STD.

Dude I TOLD YOU IT WAS ON SALE AT JOYCE LESLIE
Dude I TOLD YOU IT WAS ON SALE AT JOYCE LESLIE

Then Artie asks the lesbian from Friday Night Lights if they can wait 7-10 days to have sex and she is like, woah we have been on this date for 7-10 minutes, one step at a time.

Look, I told your friend Landry already that I'm a lesbian and I've actually built a goddess shrine to Santana in my half-bathroom and am pretty busy just tending to that
Look, I told your friend Landry already that I’m a lesbian and I’ve actually built a goddess shrine to Santana in my half-bathroom and am pretty busy just tending to that

Then, for the eighth time this episode, Mercedes tells Sam that she isn’t sure that she’s ready to have sex.

To be honest with you, I doubt the whole experience could possibly last more than two minutes anyhow
To be honest with you, I doubt the whole experience would possibly last more than two minutes anyhow

Sam says he loves her more than everything, like probably even more than the moon and the sunshine! This segues into an awkward musical number (“Lets Wait Awhile” by the amazing Janet Jackson), where the lesbian from Friday Night Lights spends the whole time with this look on her face:

Get me out of here so I can go home and see if Piper tells Larry about Alex already

Here it is for your enjoyment:

http://youtu.be/_n1T7xWT5Rw

Cut to a romantic evening in Chez Mercedes where Sam is trying to get it on with Mercedes.

Mercedes: “Hey, remember the rules.”
Sam: “All my hands are above the waist!”
Mercedes: “And on top of the clothes!”
Sam: “Have you ever heard of the term, ‘high, dry and suffering?’”
Mercedes: “Have you ever heard of the term, ‘HELL TO THE NO?’”

I told you the "vibrator in the pocket" trick never works on me, you weirdo!
And stop turning your eyeballs inside-out!

Mercedes says she went to church and prayed on it a little bit and decided to wait until marriage! Mercedes says she has a special vulnerable part inside of her and when she gives it to a man, she’ll be so exposed. That’s why she should do it with Santana first, I think. Jesus would LOVE it. Sam points out that he’s 19 and doesn’t know if he can wait ’til marriage and needs time to think about it.

Cut to The Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt is wearing really terrible red pants and unsurprisingly, considering this fashion disaster, Blaine’s ready for battle. Kurt wants to know why Blaine tried to kill him at fencing, and it turns out that Blaine’s been very insecure about his hottie boyfriend.

Blaine: I feel like we’re in this race together, and you are just so much farther than I am. Like, it just feels like the whole balance has shifted.
Kurt: What balance?
Blaine: I guess it started when we first met and you came to Dalton because you were trying to get away from Karofsky and I wanted to help you through that.
Kurt: And you did.
Blaine: And I loved the way that felt. I loved, I loved being able to protect you but now I look at your life and… it’s completely different. You’re a star at school, you have all these cool new friends, you started this band, and I just… I feel like you don’t need me anymore. To protect or anything.

No Blaine, that's the POINT of these pants, the POINT of these pants is that you can see my entire genital situation without me taking them off.
No Blaine, that’s the POINT of these pants, the POINT of these pants is that you can see my entire genital situation without me taking them off.

Kurt: So-so is that what all this stuff is about. I mean, you trying to get me to eat more?
Blaine: I don’t like the way that I feel about myself anymore, Kurt, and you have this like, amazing new body. You wanna know why we haven’t been intimate? It’s because I feel insecure around you. I feel insecure around my own fiance and fratboiphysicals.com isn’t gonna judge me.

I mean, I bought the sex swing. I did that, Kurt. I did that for you — no. I did that for US. And you won't even let me hang it up in the kitchen, it's like you're embarrassed by your own kinky desires and also don't recognize that the sex swing could very much double as an indoor hammock for your roommate Rachel Berry, who I think we both can agree could use a little downtime these days.
I mean, I bought the sex swing. I did that, Kurt. I did that for you — no. I did that for US. And you won’t even let me hang it up in the kitchen, it’s like you’re embarrassed by our unconventional sexual practices and also don’t recognize that the sex swing could very much double as an indoor hammock for your roommate Rachel Berry, who I think we both can agree could use a little downtime these days. I mean what does this mean for us about the future? Are we NEVER going to use the sex swing? Are we ever going to speak about it openly?

Kurt: And neither will I, ever. But I’m not gonna apologize for not being some delicate flower who need his boyfriend to protect him. And maybe you’re right, maybe it is a contest, maybe it has to be between two guys. But I’d much rather be running this race with you than against you.
Blaine: Me too, I just…
Kurt: As equals.
Blaine: I know, I know. I know that, I’m sorry. I’m just… I’m just so scared that you’re gonna keep changing, and you’re gonna keep getting stronger and then one day you’re gonna wake up and you’re gonna realize that “I don’t love him anymore.”
Kurt: Never. I’m always gonna love you, and I don’t want you to be insecure or ashamed around me. Next time you’re going through something like this you have to be honest with me.
Blaine: Okay.

Hang on hang on I just had a really brilliant idea for a tumblr we could start it was on the tip of my tongue I'm trying to remember
Hang on hang on I just had a really brilliant idea for a ‘zine name

When did these guys start having the only realistic relationship conversations of anybody on this entire show? It’s strange but also refreshing. I haven’t seen this much gay boy relationship processing since Six Feet Under.

Back in the Hallowed Hallways of Fake New York Film Academy For Wayward Frat Bois, Artie chases down the lesbian from Friday Night Lights to explain that he was being so weird ’cause he has chlamydia, which is not the biggest deal. But when Artie mentions the two ladies he may have gotten it from, she’s totes over it ’cause those girls are idiots who make bad films. SING IT, SISTER!

Look I'm really sorry about the other night, Landry told me that you don't even like guys and I feel really weird about the whole thing
Look I’m really sorry about the other night, Landry told me that you don’t even like guys and I feel really weird about the whole thing
You're still gonna introduce me to Santana though right
Yeah ummmm you’re still gonna introduce me to Santana though right

Cut to Chez Mercedes, where Sam has decorated their apartment to look like the set of the hit Boyz II Men music video, I’ll Make Love To You. 

Hello, 911? I think somebody is trying to burn me alive?
Hello, 911? I think somebody is trying to burn me alive?

Despite the activities such a set would suggest, Sam’s not trying to pour the wine, light the fire, and tell Mercedes that her wish is his command. He just wants to tell Mercedes that the only thing better than sex is hearing her sing and being with her, so he’s gonna stick with Mercedes and just watch a lot of internet porn.

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Mercedes is not impressed
Mercedes is not impressed

Some other day or year or hour, Mercedes and Rachel are having Girlfriends Time at the Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft and Mercedes is talking about how her heart is her #1 erogenous zone. Rachel says that once upon a mattress there was a moment when she thought something might happen with her and Sam, but that moment passed and she realized it was really just that he reminded her of home/was friends with Finn.

You know who gives great phone sex? Quinn.
You know who gives great phone sex? Quinn.

Rachel: This [gestures at her body] is closed for business.
Mercedes: Rachel, you know you guys weren’t even dating when it all went down.
Rachel: Come on, we were always dating. Even when we weren’t, we knew how it was gonna end. How it was supposed to.

Mercedes says that Rachel is an amazing lady who deserves to have a man buy her dinner but Rachel says she’s just not ready yet.

Snapback over to Serendipity, where Blaine is going on one of those cleansing diets that involves hot sauce, citrus fruits and Splenda. Furthermore, Kurt and Blaine announce that they’re adopting healthier habits together as a couple, such as attending Ab Class.

You guys, I think a tiny dragonfly just died in my orange juice
You guys, I think a tiny gay dragonfly just died in my orange juice

Artie says that he’s seen the error of his ways and doesn’t wanna be a player no more. He’s had enough of running wild, he’s switching up his whole lifestyle, he doesn’t wanna be the way he used to, he’s giving up the booty cause, spinning c’s at the ta-ta bars, no leaving with two or three girls to get him off, all he needs is one who’s really down, someone to turn this player’s life around. No rolling like an entourage, celeb style like a movie star, sippin down with ladies all around him, laughing girls off at the way he was of the morning, Gettin’ beeps from Milan and Delhi, a true player never gets a chance to sleep, no.

Sam had told Artie a million times that he only liked playing footsie when he had flip-flops on. Why didn't Artie ever listen?
Sam had told Artie a million times that he only liked playing footsie when they both had flip-flops on, but Artie never listened.

Sam suggests they do an All Guys New York City Abstinence Club but everybody else is like yeah no thanks!

Then that’s it! That’s the whole thing. You might notice Santana was not in the episode this week. The good news is she will be back next week, just in time for opening night of Funny Girl! Next week’s director is Eric Stolz, who I love, and I think they’re covering “Lovefool” by The Cardigans, undoubtedly inspired by my music video for “Lovefool” starring my BFF Kristyna that I made in 1996 on Adobe Premiere. Here’s the scoop:

The night has finally arrived for Rachel’s (Lea Michele) Broadway debut in “Funny Girl,” and she has very special guests in town to support her career-defining moment in the all-new “Opening Night” episode of GLEE airing Tuesday, April 22 (8:00-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (GLE-517) (TV-14 D, L)

Cast: Lea Michele as Rachel Berry; Matthew Morrison as Will Schuester; Jane Lynch as Sue Sylvester; Naya Rivera as Santana Lopez; Chris Colfer as Kurt Hummel; Amber Riley as Mercedes Jones; Darren Criss as Blaine Anderson; Chord Overstreet as Sam Evans; Lauren Potter as Becky Jackson.