We then hurl ourselves into the cold night air and air-drop ourselves into the only classroom at Fake Julliard, where Idina Menzel’s popped in to help her offspring prep for Funny Girl. YAY IDINA MENZEL!
Idina Menzel says Rachel can’t do a Barbara song ’cause Barbara is one-of-a-kind and they’ll be looking for people who can put a new stamp on the role.
After Idina Menzel talks about living vicariously through Rachel’s Broadway success, the two launch into a surprisingly meh duet of Emeli Sandé’s “Next To Me,” a song I’ve never liked very much:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9qNOh3_LO7I
See, I’m the biggest fan in the entire universe of their I Dreamed a Dream duet, so I had high hopes for this reunion and wish they’d covered a song I liked. Nobody checks with me before planning these episodes. Actually I love I Dreamed a Dream so much I have to listen to it right this minute:
FUCK I LOVE THAT SHIT
Back at UC-Lima, Old Man Puck and a chunk of Bauernfrühstück in a baseball hat rock the frat house with “(You Gotta) Fight For Your Right To Party!” which coincidentally rhymes with “You Gotta Fight For A Night With Artie!” which’s the XXX version of this scene.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xebob2JnZdo
After their big performance, two Cool Bros From The Fraternity invite Old Man Puck and Finn to the fraternity. In fact, they can skip rush, that’s just how awesome their musical stylings are! Also, the dudebros think Finn & Old Man Puck are gay. So do I, so that’s cool.
We then do the backstroke all the way back to Lima, Ohio, home of the Lima Senior High School Of Multiple Intelligences, where Unique’s dishing to Blaine about her relationship with lotion and root vegetables:
Unique: “I’m also naturally enhancing my breasts. Every night I rub them with cocoa butter, Vitamin E and wild yams.”
When she said “wild yams” I was like, WHAT YOU RUB YOUR BREASTS WITH FINN??? But then I remembered that Finn is a domesticated yam, not a wild yam, and then I felt much better.
The rest of the rapscallions meet up with Blaine & Unique for some standing-around-the-piano time.
Marley-Kate cajoles the kids into singing her terrible song “You Have More Friends Than You Know,” which showcases Unique’s pipes real good but otherwise inspired me to tweeze out my eyebrows, then my eyelashes, and then my eyeballs! Now I can’t see, it sucks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl20e5GiUY8
I think this track could be a hit with the We Nap On Carpet Squares And Then Drink Apple Juice With Graham Crackers set though.
Mr. Shue’s lurking in the wings throughout the musical number and when they’re done he then overhears them bitching about how he’ll never let them sing this magical song. Real talk: Annie Lennox > Marley-Kate. Just saying.
A few yards over, Cracker Barrel is sitting on a couch thinking about his testicles when The New Rachel calls.
Finn says his hand still hurts from the sharp edges of Geyerdean’s face and TNR says she wish he’d stuck around longer post-knockout and asks how college is and he talks about college for ~3 seconds before TNR interrupts to redirect the conversation to her needs and feelings, namely that she needs to think of a song for Funny Girl auditions.
Finn takes a time-out from being College Douchebag to give The New Rachel advice as his other personality, the Estranged High School Dreamboyfriend:
Finn: “You’re one of the most unique talents in the world. You always shine your brightest when you do something personal, something intimately important that defines you. So just do something that takes you back to the roots of your fashion. That’s what people wanna see, and that’s what makes the best impression.”
This scene reminded me of when I first moved to New York and would call my ex in the midwest and he had stories about beer pong and parties with friends from high school and I had stories about getting published in a book and fascinating new friends from all over the world and I felt like we were so far away from each other and not just by distance, like we were in a music video for Matchbox 20’s “Bright Lights.” (It was 2004 okay) The moral of that story is that now he’s married and I’m gay, which hopefully will happen here too.
Cut to the Audition Auditorium of Fake Broadway, where Rachel’s chosen a nostalgic classic with which to wow the judges: “(Dont Stop) Believing.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7CUAxe6YhE
There’s something eternally magical about the Glee arrangement of this song, both the original and this episode’s reprise. It was the strength of this number that buoyed all those enchanting promos all those years ago, and the cast’s performance of it on The X Factor remains one of my Top Ten YouTube videos of all time.
There’s something about how Kurt, Mercedes and Tina do the “da da da da” that sounds like the musical equivalent of emotional support, or like the background singers are little birds lifting the foreground singers into the highest heights of pop ballad heaven.
So even amid an otherwise unremarkable and totally idiotic episode, Rachel’s imaginary summoning of her old pals to the stage in red and blue stabbed me in the tear ducts.
At the number’s conclusion, one of the Stodgy Casting Directors notes that something happened to Rachel mid-song and he’d like to know what she was thinking about. I think the answer is “Season One”?
We then double dutch our way back to UO-Lima, home of the Mighty Mighty Puckermans, where Ore-Ida’s sleeping off a hangover and Old Man Puck’s launching into a self-righteous speech about how Finn could make himself a better man.
Old Man Puckerman says that they’ve gotta stop partying hard because college isn’t about potential, it’s the real casaba, and if Finn fails Sociology, he’ll be a total loser because failing Sociology is basically impossible, and that they’ve gotta prove everybody wrong who never thought they’d amount to anything. Also they’ve gotta prove everybody wrong who crossed the street when Puck walked down it and everybody who thought Puck would be pumping gas or whatever.
I almost feel like they stole this monologue from an actual oppressed group who battles undersized expectations regularly and just pasted it into Old Man Puckerman’s piehole because really? The reason nobody thought you’d succeed is ’cause you’re a lazy asshole who treats women like shit. You’re straight white cis dudes. Go inherit the wind or something and shut the fuck up.
Back at McKinley, Roz summons Blaine and Becky to her office to complain about the sad-sack state of her Cheerios Captains.
Roz: “I understand why Coach Sylvester’s daughter Robin is here. Sue Sylvester is as old as the hills, so when she gave birth to her fully grown 16-year-old baby with Down Syndrome, it was a miracle, and she wanted to bring her to school every day and show her off. You’re the one that makes me suspicious, Fruity Fonzie.”
Roz: “You ain’t never done a cheerleading routine in your life, but somehow you get Sue Sylvester to make you co-captain of the Cheerios and then three weeks later out of nowhere, Sue Sylvester gets fired. That makes me real suspicious. That makes me think that you used your handsome fruity voodoo powers and put a hex on her that caused her to bring a gun to school for no reason and get real clumsy so she drops it twice and it goes off both times. That sounds like some dark-sided, fruity voodo stuff to me.”
See? Last week’s drama can be this week’s punchline. Easy as pie! Also props to Roz for pointing out how silly Sue’s cover story was.
Becky: “But that isn’t what really happened Blaine had nothing to do with it!”
Roz: “How do you know, were you there?”
Becky: “No.” [puts her head down]
[Blaine makes a face]
Roz says they’ve gotta take an Oath to remain on the Cheerios. Considering Blaine never wanted to be on the Cheerios in the first place, this seems like an opportune moment to dash, but instead he takes the oath while giving Becky some serious side-eye.
In the hallway Blaine asks Becky why she was acting strange about the gun and asks if she “knows anything,” to which Becky suspiciously replies:
Becky: “Mind your own gay business, gay Blaine. I don’t know anything!”
Meanwhile in the auditorium, a human-shaped situation reminiscent of Corned Beef Pie arrives to tell Mr. Shue that Mr. Shue was right and that they’ll win Glee Club together!
Mr. Shue returns to Glee Club and tells Unique she looks great and tells Tina she looks great and tells Evan the Australian Twin that he looks great but he doesn’t tell me that I look great and that makes me feel really bad about myself. I’m gonna write a song called “Chinless Like Me.”
Then Mr. Shue gives a stupid speech about the inspirational nature of Glee Club and then Finn walks in and I barf.
Finn: “We are not gonna eat, sleep or breathe until you’ve blasted through regionals and earned your rightful spot at Nationals.”
Isn’t not eating what got them in trouble at Sectionals? Just saying.
Mr.Shue says he’d love for Marley to teach them one of her original songs even though everybody knows that you only perform songs once on Glee so if they do it now it wont be at Regionals and everybody cheers so much that my eyeballs roll all the way out of my brain and leak out my ears! It’s terrible.
We then leap onto our surfboards and surf all the way across Pennsylvania to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where The New Rachel is waiting for her Batphone to ring, bearing news of her status Re:Â Funny Girl. Hey girl, you know what’s funny? SANTANA IS MISSING.
Lady Hummel bakes The New Rachel some cookies and then the phone rings and MIRACLE OF MIRACLES it’s the Funny Girl People calling her to call her back for a callback!
Back in Lima, we’re treated to a poor man’s version of “Loser Like Me,” which honestly is kinda offensive to poor men. It’s called “Outcasts.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLT0WLOrebo
It’s not just ’cause “Loser Like Me” is a better song that “Outcasts” doesn’t ring my bell, it’s that I don’t think these kids have earned the Defiant Outcasts label yet. In Season One, cool kids like Finn and Real Quinn faced social consequences for joining Glee Club, and the existing Glee Club members (Rachel, Kurt, Tina, Artie) had been branded losers all their lives and had the slushie remnants in their eardrums to show for it. But aside from Unique, I’m not seeing any outcasts in this room. I’m seeing the school president, the school vice-president, the Cheerios captain, and the kids who perform at every school event. If these kids are the outcasts, then who are the innards?
I think Marley-Kate should put her songs back in her desk and they should just cover Namoli Brennet’s “We Belong” instead. But un-fucking-fortunately, my friends, I STILL DO NOT RUN THE WORLD.
Next week on Glee:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwfrLqch-H8
