Glee Episode #414: I Do Wish Santana and Quinn Had Kissed For Real

Elsewhere in this lofty monument to the good work of Jesus Christ Our Lord And Savior (JK, I’m Jewish), Artie tracks down Emma’s Niece With The Nice Rack, only to discover that it’s that girl from The Glee Project who’s dating Dani Shay!

this girl!

Also she hates Artie because even though she’s in a wheelchair, she “doesn’t date losers in chairs.”

Emma’s Bitchy Niece With The Nice Rack: “Yeah, I’m also blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school, and I’ve got this going on.” [massages her breasts “Mama Who Bore Me” style]

and basically dani just rubs me right here for about 30 minutes and that’s pretty much all i need to get a good night’s sleep

Also, New Puck got flowers for Marley-Kate ’cause Ryder Bieber-Strong told New Puck what flowers to get.

hey dude remind me really fast what this chick’s name is

Out in the cold tundra of the church parking lot, somebody’s getting their nuts cracked in the backseat of a sexy, fuel-efficient Toyota Prius and that somebody is… Kurt Hummel!

ok, now you be brian and i be justin

Kurt notes that he would’ve brought a change of clothing if he’d known he’d be getting groped in the back of a Prius. Right. His other tuxedo. Kurt then notes that he’s kinda dating somebody in New York, which’s Blaine’s cue to pop up into screen and insist that Kurt’s “fey boy-tie” is his Kryptonite, which’s adorable.

Blaine: “This is just bros helping bros.”
Kurt: “I love it when you talk fratty.”

This is how bros help bros? I always thought it involved like making each other burritos or carrying couches up staircases. Huh.

…have buttsex

I found this so cute and sexy because — for any of you here born after AOL stopped charging $2.95 an hour — this is totally groundbreaking shit. You never see gay boys being sexual on network television. In fact, there’s this whole show called Modern Family about these two gay guys who spend every episode undermining each other if not outright scheming and/or passive-aggressively derailing each other to satisfy their own various selfish ends or comfort their own complicated egos and everybody acts like it’s really groundbreaking but it’s actually just really annoying! Anyhow. I loved this scene.

There’s a rap at the door and Kurt’s like, “Tell me that’s not Tina again!” I’ll tell you: it’s not Tina again.

oh hey thanks you can just leave the pizza in the front seat and there should be enough cash there.

It’s Mercedes, now spotting bangs, a bangin’ pink dress, and a dead wolf that likely became dead following a little bang-bang-bang.

bitches i’m just here for my solo

Backstage at the WEDDING!!!!, Emma’s freaking out all by herself, seemingly possessing no friends, family members or even concerned acquaintances. Then Sue waltzes in wearing a precise replica of Emma’s WEDDING!!!! dress and plops down to nosh on some appetizers while Emma says “worried” and “overwhelmed” a lot.

mmmmm i’m gonna explode if i can’t do the limbo rock right now!!!

Emma’s worried this thing isn’t “gonna work.”

Sue: “Well, of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD, and Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children and his best friend is 19.”
Emma: “It’s just the last time was such a disaster, you know I turned into somebody that I didn’t even recognize. If I’m wrong again, I won’t survive.”
Sue: “Well, don’t say that to Will Schuester. he’ll have you singing a stripped-down acoustic version of “I Will Survive” in front of a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces.”

Har.

just practice with your fingers and soon enough you’ll be ready for the real thing

Emma claims there’s no air in there, and before we can check the air pressure, we jarringly sweep back into the church for Matthew Morrison to launch into Stephen Sondheim’s “Getting Married Today,” which’s when I first notice that Emma’s side of the wedding party is well-stocked and Will’s is… just Finn?

“make a face like you’re about to be attacked by a very very small bunny rabbit”

Jayma Mays gamely conquers a series of difficult solos in which she reveals she’s not getting married today, because, I think, Ryan Murphy wanted to use this song in this episode so somebody had to not get married. Mercedes unleashes a triumphant soprano and everybody makes weird singing faces.

vagisil set my vagina on fire!

dude, whip-its are awwwweeeesomeeeee

i can’t really think of a good caption for this one but i wanted to use a picture of mercedes anyway so here it is

“how do you feel about buttsex?”

have you ever tried going to a wedding… ON WEED??!!!

put your lips like this and then you won’t accidentally bite anything if you know what i’m saying

As the music ambles competently forward, Emma pulls a Daphne/Shane McGutcheon/Grace Adler/Rachel Green/Whitley/Mr.Big/Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride and busts that pop stand.

nobody told me there was a bidet in the back of this taxi cab

Reader, permission to speak freely? Oh G-d I hate the Runaway Bride/Groom trope, unless said Runaway Bride/Groom is fleeing a total douchebag. Firstly, this RARELY happens in real life and it ALWAYS happens on television. Why? Because it’s really fucking expensive and also really mean to friends/family who traveled for your situation and bought dresses they didn’t like to be in your wedding party. At least nobody asked the room to speak now or forever hold their peace, then I really would’ve died, ’cause that’s high on my list of Irritatingly Unrealistic Film Tropes.

ugh we totally could’ve gone to that nickleback concert if we’d known this shit was gonna get cancelled

Sue breaks it to Will that Emma flew the coop and my little heart breaks and I use one of the shards to stab Finn in the neckhole.

it was at that moment that finn realized he’d forgotten to wear deodorant

We cut to a few moments, minutes, seconds or possibly even many moments, minutes or seconds later, when Mr. Shue’s having a heart-to-heart with his only friend, Finn Hudson.

hey uh will dude, bro, so are you familiar with the phrase “we’re just bros helping bros” because uh, i have a way to maybe turn this day around for all of us

Will laments his mistakes, such as “not helping with WEDDING!!!! planning” or “not noting his fiancee’s very real and complicated personality disorder was slowly consuming her brainskull, therefore leaving her in a state of disarray in which one’s romantic partner might be expected to offer some reassuring words or perhaps draw her a bath, ideally a bubble bath, ideally with Lysol.” Will wonders if maybe there was “someone else” and Finn sits there like he’s got an entire cafeteria’s worth of tater tots up his ass.

Then Santana Lopez shows up to tell the manchildren that Emma’s family would like the pre-paid party to proceed as planned.

hey it’s okay guys, at least quinn didn’t get t-boned by a monster truck this time

Mr. Schuester says some sad-sack thing and runs off to find Emma.