Glee Episode 410: Glee Actually Is A Mediocre Show About Puppies

Smear to the library, where Coach Beiste assures the happy couple that she’s been certified via a Mayan website and therefore can successfully wed them. Sam says that he wants them “to meet Q’uq’umatz, the feathered snake guide, together.”

alternately, i could civil unionize you, i mean it’s basically the same thing

Vows:

Sam: “Brittany, I’ve always thought you were super hot and really smart, but what I didn’t know was that you wre going to end up being my soul mate. Who knows what the future holds for us? Probably tsunamis and horrible sea monsters. But now I’m not worried about that because I have you.”

the-nightmare-never-ends-lez-be-honest — we may as well fast-forward to the afterlife at this point because that’s how fast this thing is moving

Brittany: “Sam, when you first joined the Glee Club, I didn’t notice for a while. It wasn’t until you did your Rich Little impression and then told me it was a Rich Little impression and explained who Rich Little was that I just… I knew you were special. And I can’t tell you how excited I am to become your Mayan star-wife.”

Then they kiss:

Smear to the morning of the 22nd, in which Brittany wakes up to find Sam at the desk in a wifebeater, checking the calendar to ensure that the world did not, indeed, end, although I’m more preoccupied by how many vaginas would’ve exploded if Santana had ever woken up in Brittany’s bed. Alas, the world remains explosion-free.

Sam: “You know what this means? The world didn’t end.”
Brittany: “We’re also married.”

After a brief tour amid The World Of Adults, we cut to a half-adult/half-child scene in which Mrs.Marley tells Melancholy Marley-Kate that her only present this year is a psychiatrist appointment. Hahaa remember when I said they’d bungle this storyline and now they are

yes it’s true i’m wearing these gloves because i was about to go fist michelle tea

[FTR: If anybody wants to get me therapy for Hannukah, you will get into heaven I promise.]

Ms. Marley: “You wanna give me a gift, sing me something.”

Melancholy Marley-Kate pulls off a solid a capella version of Noel, as Sue Sylvester hovers in the hallway looking like the Grinch right before he decided to return Christmas to the Whos of Who-Ville.

let’s just go home and talk about kierkegaard

Then Sue decides to sell her fancy tree in order to accumulate cash to make a Merry Little Christmas for Melancholy Marley-Kate and her Mom, ’cause Ms. Marley is her Secret Santa. Then Becky & Sue break into Marleyhouse and fill the Christmas tree with heaps of presents, like the Benneton sweater Becky rejected.

oh my god there’s a tree growing in the living room

It’s a Christmas miracle!

Cut back to Breadsticks, Home of Hospitaliano, where New Puck and Old Man Puck are looking lovingly upon their two Moms, who are bonding over a mutual dislike for Oldest Man Puck.

yup looks like the bathroom is still occuppied

Elsewhere in this spacious monument to Italian cooking, Coach Beiste is reasurring Sam and Brittany and that they’re not actually married.

but theoretically we could still get married if we wanted to, yes? because brittany says her ex said it was against the law so we're just really confused here — but theoretically we could still get married if we wanted to, yes? because brittany says her ex said it was against the law so we’re just really confused here

Beiste: “There aren’t actually any Mayan church Web sites. The Mayans were wiped out 500 years ago by the conquistadors and smallpox.”

Beiste explains that she didn’t wanna see these two “special” kids end up marrying too young, birthing some little rascals and turning to a life of petty assault and other crimes warranting Blurred-Out faces on COPS. Also I feel like Santana would’ve wanted a heads-up that two of her exes were tying the knot, but she’s not on payroll this episode so we all have to pretend she doesn’t exist, also I think we’re supposed to forget that Sam ever dated Mercedes, so basically our entire lives are just dust in the wind.

if-only-in-my-nightmares — this is happening in another dimension at the same time actually

Brittany and Sam mourn the loss of their apocalyptic cheer, noting how much energy and zest for life they’d maintained in their pre-apocalypse days. Beistie fakes a text from an archeaologist named Indiana Jones, who just discovered the new Mayan calendar says the world will end on September 27th, 2014, to get them excited about life again, or something:

Brittany: “That gives us like two whole years of giving love and brutal honesty to everyone we know.”

I suggest starting with this guy:

ladies, it is me, the wood that holds your desks together

Smear over the river and through the woods, past Mommy kissing Santa Claus and Granny getting run over by a reindeer and me smashing my head against the table to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt, Burt and Blaine are sitting ’round the coffee table, watching some sort of athletic event on the television.

if you concentrate really hard, you can see a sailboat

Kurt lasts 20 seconds before he picks up VOGUE, which I mean seriously hasn’t he already read it? Didn’t he help put it together? Anyhow, Burt asks Blaine about his future. Blaine says he’s considering applying to NYADA and Kurt’s reaction is unclear — and Blaine either does or doesn’t pick up on it and it either will or will not matter come January.

more-like-five-graybles-actually — lets have eggnog and sing about snow

Then Kurt turns into a bunny rabbit and hops all the way to the prairie and eats grass and carrots forever and starts a tiny-bunny farm for tiny bunnies to practice hopping and eating carrots forever and ever and ever amen.

Starsweep back across the country to the arid flatlands and bustling Cracker Barrels of Lima, Ohio, where Adult Parts are happening — namely, Mrs. Marley has determined it was Sue who Saved Christmas but wants to return the cash gift, to which Sue says:

Sue: “Well, you and I both know how hard it is to be a single mother. So take the money, and make sure that daughter of yours gets better. Is that understood?”

hey there is a wild gay bunny in the hallway, you might wanna check it out

Mrs. Marley acquiesces and then implores Sue to accompany her to the auditorium so Marley can say thank you also, and Sue basically says exactly what I was thinking:

Sue: “Does this involve the glee club singing a Christmas song in the auditorium with snow falling on an elaborate winter scene?”

Smear to the auditorium…

Sue: “Yep, okay, this is exactly what I just described.”

the jcrew winter collection, as modeled by the cast of glee and a human-sized potato kugel

Marley-Kate says she’s pulled the whole! gang! together for a song!

i-like-this-one-becuase-its-less-creepy — i wish

Sue notes, “Well, it’s a testament to how little you know me if you think this is something I would enjoy.” Amen, sister.

also-in-this-episode — slightly less annoying than alvin and the chipmunks

We then smear over to Breadsticks, where The Pucks and Brittany & Sam are singing, and then to the Bushwick Barbie Dreamhouse Loft, where Kurt and Blaine are singing, and then back to the auditorium….

yessssss

…and then to the first ever all-carbohydrate production of Frosty the Snowman…

frosty the snowman had a very jolly bowl of gnocchi

…followed by the first all-lesbian production of Polar Bear Express, staring Quinn as a butch top… im-pretty-into-conductor-quinn …and then back to Dear Dear McKinley High School, where even Sue’s eyes are watery, and the children erupt with Christmas cheer! Fake snow rains upon their heads like manna from heaven, like starlight, like pine trees, like carols and wreathes and Princess Unicorn and all the Whos in Whoville and the mountains of Killington and the valleys of the North Pole and the Polar Bears and the Penguins and all of us here in the human family forever and FYI, the only part of Love Actually I liked was the All I Want For Christmas Is You situation at the end. I know they did it last year, but just saying.