Glee 320 Recap: Props Are Wicked Lame

Will someone please tell me why this past week’s Glee dose was a double episode? I imagined, like any sane person, that this was the season finale. But no, apparently there’s one more pile of Glee for us next week. Regardless, because no one should have to recap two hours of Glee in one week, I’m stepping in for the recap of “Props” and Riese will hold your hand, as usual, through “Nationals.”

We open on the “That’s What You Missed On Glee” Guy reminding us all that Tina exists and, because Glee is at times painfully self-aware about how no one gives her any attention. I imagine the way the conception for this episode went down was someone in the writers room was like, “Shit. If we don’t do an episode about Tina Cohen-Chang soon, Jenna Ushkowitz might quit leaving us without any female characters who aren’t graduating.” Then, I assume, everyone realized that they forgot to give Tina any backstory whatsoever beyond a fake stutter and rounding the bases with Mike Chang. Then Ryan Murphy stood on top of a chair and announced his spectacular idea to do an episode that seems like it’s going to be about Tina but is actually about Rachel. I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ll get there. Let’s do this.

Sue, who the show would like to remind you is helping the Glee Club in order to keep her position as coach of Cheerios or something, is furious about Unique’s success as a high school show choir sensation. Unique, keeps being referred to as a he/she — which makes me want to curl up and die — because clearly Ryan Murphy never thought to pin down whether Unique was a drag queen or a transwoman and take the time to Google the vast difference between the two.

So that’s going on. Sue has decided that Unique is basically a great “prop,” which is a strange mix of erasure and objectifiction (OMG IT’S THE TITLE), and therefore Kurt has to wear a dress a perform as “Porcelina.”

Even though Kurt has repeatedly expressed interest in drag/high fashion/breaking gender norms/wearing a kilt, this is just too much. Show choir drag? Nuh uh. Cue cute flashback to Kurt & Blaine as Snookie & that other guy for Halloween

Back on Rachel Berry 2.0 (the Rachel who wouldn’t come up with six back up plans and also is getting married to some dweeb) sings Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” about losing out on NYAYAYAYDADA. I’ve never actually heard the original but I dig this song and Lea kills it. Unfortunately I spent most of the song thinking about how similar her hair is to mine in college. Maybe I should grow it out again. Or cut it. I’m tired of being in this middle place with my hair, you know?

Oh and Rachel called Whoopi Goldberg for the millionth time to invite her to Nationals in Chicago instead of just asking her to, I don’t know — look, I don’t actually know how performing arts colleges work, but I’m confident that this isn’t it.

Right so, in the magical land of the Choir Room, Mr. Schue writes NATIONALS on the whiteboard (which is a total waste of school resources) and everyone cheers. Instead of letting Brittany and Santana sing “Somebody to Love,” the New Directions are going to (duh) do a whole new set-up of songs. “Paradise by the Dashboard Light” will kick the team off, followed by Rachel singing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” and (thank god) a Troubletones song. Don’t worry, this is just a teaser, none of these songs get sung in this episode.

Sue suggests Kurt sing in drag for a Troubletones rendition of “What a Feeling” complete with welding face shields and leg warmers. ‘Cause you gotta get a gimmick. Right girls?

Sue’s idea to get some props is not only awful and terrible but also totally original. No one at McKinley High has ever dared used props.

Mr. Schue wants to make sure everyone is putting in their damned hardest work to win at Nationals because, well if there are 98,817 high schools in American and let’s say one-tenth of them have show choirs, then that’s 9,882 show choirs around the country. If Sectionals are a competition between three schools then 3,294 sectional winning schools go to Regionals. Thus, since Regionals is also a competition between three schools, 1,098 schools must be competing at Nationals. Holy shit! Everyone better have their team work game face on.

Womp womp. Tina does not have her game face on.

She’s pissed because she never gets solos (which is true), not even in the bullshit “weekly assignments” that the kids waste their valuable sec/reg/nationals prepping time on. Rachel always gets the solos! Unfair! “I’m just a human prop.” Oh my God there’s the title again!

Mike Chang is like WTF TINA SHUT UP because Rachel is a senior and seniors get the solos. Hm. That didn’t seem to matter a lick when Rachel was a sophomore.

Real talk, Jenna Ushkowitz has an excellent voice. She really should be getting more solos. Unfortunately when Lea Michele sings even the birds stop to listen. You know who should actually be having this freak out? Blaine or Kurt or Puck! Because Finn, who we know will be given the male solo, really actually, technically, can’t really sing. And I hate his face. Honestly though, it’s high school, and if I learned anything from Pep Band, Jazz Band and Wind Ensemble, it’s that teachers play favorites and seniors get solos. Duh-done.

Rachel storms out after Tina (because nobody storms out like Rachel storms out) and drops some old school Rachel Version 1.0 by offering Tina $50 to sit down and shut up. Also Rachel’s like wah wah wah you have no idea how hard it is it run a million clubs we’ve never seen, sing every day and keep her boyfriend happy and stuff.

She also has to blow dry and flat iron those bangs every day. Every single day. But Tina’s all, “Nah, I just want to be you for a moment” which at least explains her transition from punk/goth to sort of retro.

Now let’s go to the mall! Kurt and Blaine are enjoying chair massages and reiterating once again that being gay doesn’t mean you also want to do drag/are transgender (because Glee continues to conflate these identities or something, I mean, whatever they’re doing, they’re doing it wrong). Also they’re going to enjoy a hot pretzel which just really makes me want a hot pretzel. Funny how pretzels work like that.

Meanwhile Tina is texting while walking (DANGER DANGER) and falls in to a fountain and bumps her head which looks like the most painful shit ever and I had to look away every time I watched it. The bump triggers a Glee Freaky Friday switcheroo.

So now Tina is Rachel and also wet.

Same dealio for Santana and Artie, Blaine and Puck, Kurt and Finn, Mercedes and Brittany, Mike and Teen Jesus, Quinn and Sugar, Trouty Mouth and the Glee Project Irish Kid and, of course, Will and Sue.

Most importantly/revoltingly the Santana/Artie switch results in Artie sporting a ponytail that reminded me of when you see a dead squirrel on a back road in Western Mass that was just maybe killed with a BB Gun. Also it meant that Santana had like a weirdly sexy/cut menswear getup on. Santana can do no wrong. Also she totally looks like Rashida Jones in Our Idiot Brother which I didn’t see but Grace assured me had lesbians in it.

Also I feel like Puck/Finn’s interpretation of Blaine/Kurt’s relationship reminded me that I love Darren Criss now and forever.

Now that she’s the star of the Glee Club, Tina-as-Rachel sings “Because You Loved Me” by Celine Dion which I totally loved because, guys, I’m a secret Celine Dion fan. Totally and completely. Technically though, the real Tina still hasn’t had a substantial singing moment since “ABC” in Hold on to Sixteen.

Quinn’s version of Sugar is totes adorbs and slightly gay.

Also Tina’s wig totally has me thinking about my own hair again. But that’s neither here nor there. So cue the crowd loving it and a standing ovation.

Post-standing-ovation, Tina-as-Rachel goes up to Rachel-as-Tina and tells her all about what a wonderful back-up singer she really is and how much she means to the group. Rachel-as-Tina tells Tina-as-Rachel to follow her NYAYAYAYDAADADA dreams and stalk that music professor some more. Lea makes a weirdly hot goth beteedubs and her imitation of Tina is very subtle and also perfect.

With that, the dream sequence ends. I thought it might go all episode. So yeah, Tina didn’t actually need a genuine apology from anyone to make her feel better, just like a weird self apology from herself to herself sort of. I think this is sort of like how sometimes when you’re really mad at someone and want them to apologize, sometimes if you apologize to them it makes you feel better anyways.

I think it’s time for me to switch from green tea to lemon zinger and for a page break.

Back in McKinley’s majestic auditorium, the Glee Clubbers are working on their propped-up “What a Feeling”s. Everyone’s like wah wah wah this is silly these face shields are stupid blah blah blah. The students stand up and ring that bell and yell “Union! Union! Union!” Also Santana says Wanky for some reason. I have no clue why.

Honestly, if they actually had spent all season working on the number with those costumes and the sparks flying it would probably be an incredible performance.

Sue, is basically totally unimpressed with everyone’s dancing skills (apparently Booty Camp helped zero) demands that everyone pick up the pace. I mean, it’s not like everyone else has been training all year. Oh wait.

Sue even remarks that Jennifer Beals would be rolling in her grave which is SO NOT FUNNY because IFC totally could have done that to us.

Elsewhere, Santana, Brittany and Mercedes barge in to the teachers lounge unannounced to confront Coach Beiste about the whole not-leaving-her-abusive-husband thing.

It’s basically 100% inappropriate for students to confront teachers about their personal lives or, for that matter, for teachers to so deeply inform students about their personal lives. Regardless, my feelings about Glee‘s PSA about domestic abuse are largely consistent with Riese’s. Anyways Glee does that thing where they juxtapose the stated Serious Issue of the episode with stuff like Brittany saying she doesn’t wear any underwear. Hawt, but either way somehow this turns in to Beiste getting invited to Nationals even though she claims she’s not welcome in Chicago after she body slammed some dude. Which really clarifies Glee‘s non-violence message.

Cut to the Men’s locker room where Kurt debuts his avant garde amateur show choir porn entitled Vocal Adrenaline Human Centipede. No but seriously they call a dance move the human centipede and I think the writers probably should have gone ahead and Googled that phrase before using it. I think the Glee writers need an intern. Kurt, again, refuses to dress in drag because this is an epically stupid idea and Mr. Shue has nothing to say about this because he is epically stupid.

Star-sweep back to the auditorium, where Rachel has forgone any classes and just sits by the piano rehearsing all day long. Tina walks in all jazzed up about teamwork and Rachel Berry now. I get more lemon zinger tea because I am tragically bored of this plot line. Tina suggests she and Rachel go see Sister Mary Clarence in person and blow her away with a rock rendition of “Salve Regina.”

I refuse to let the Sister Act jokes die. Refuse.

Back in the choir room, Sue has a new plan to spice things up by hiring “little people” to dance with the Club at nationals. Besides the fact that this is definitely some type of -ist, I’m guessing it’s against the rules. Then Puck comes out in the worst drag ever. Really this is a missed opportunity because I bet, given the proper assistance, Puck could have made a nice looking drag queen. Regardless, Captain Will is totally over gimmicks and just wants everyone to sing and dance together in to the sunshine.

After Glee Club — which apparently takes places in the middle of the day — Puck has a run-in with those hockey bros by his locker. “Rick the Stick Dick” gives Puck a hard time about not graduating and wearing a dress for Glee Club. It was actually pretty painful to watch because the thought of Puck not graduating does actually break my heart in to a million pieces. It also made no sense because if Puck was a talented athlete (even just by McKinley High Standards) he could probably do no wrong. Hey — what happened to basketball season? The two decide to fight out by the dumpsters because talking about your feelings is for wusses and weirdos.

Speaking of talking about your feelings, Tina and Rachel process all the feelings as they drive to see Whoopi who, despite being a big deal in New York, is still puttering about in the Midwest. Feelings about Nationals and feelings about NYAYAYAADADAD. Hilariously, Rachel is concerned about missing a year of ingenue eligibility. I had to Google “ingenue,” but Rachel has nothing to worry about. That Lea Michele girl is still playing young innocent characters and she’s 25 and never went to college.

Sadly, Rachel is going through this thing lots of smart, talented kids go through around 18/19 years old when they suddenly realize that they’re not the only talented kid out there and all of their dreams might not come true and maybe they won’t get in to Tufts Early Decision. Or something. Either way, Tina is all, “I love you, let me just put your fingers in my mouth for a second and soak up your epic greatness” because she’s a Rachel Berry fangirl now. Or else just naturally a really kind and supportive person or else just needs a friend.

Outside at the dumpster, it’s Bro Versus Bro as Puck and Rick duke it out for Ultimate High School Bully Glory. Puck takes a mean swing at Rick after Rick insults his father’s microbrew company. I mean, you can’t just go around insulting other people’s dad’s microbrews. Jeez.

They fight. Rick kicks Puck’s ass and throws him in a dumpster and everyone chants “Loser Loser Loser.” But wait! Puck climbs out of the dumpster and pulls out a motherfucking knife!

Coach Beiste breaks up the fight (which is like a full two minutes long — which is a really long time for Glee in case you forgot) and drags Puck over to talk about his feelings.

WordPress is telling me that “motherfucker” is a word but “fangirl” isn’t. I think that says a lot about Autostraddle.

Coach Beiste yells at Puck who admits his knife is just a West Side Story prop, and tells him he could get arrested and he’s got priors. PRIORS. Puck doesn’t give a hoot though because no one ever cared about him or told him he was a special magical rainbow dolphin. Not even Mr. Schue who basically tells that to everyone.

Is it weird that I kind of think Mark Salling and Dot-Marie Jones did a great job with what they were given? I mean, they did what they could with what they had. It kind of felt like a bad version of that  Good Will Hunting.

Rachel finally tracks down Sister Mary Clarence where she’s been kidnapped by Vince’s men — I mean Madame Tibideaux where she’s teaching a master class on singing and ruining some young man’s dreams. Rachel asks Madame Tibideaux if she received the 143 voice mails, 12.8 fruit baskets and her own left kidney that she sent. Madame Tibideaux remarks that Rachel is being a selfish little twat who is no more entitled to her attention than the other billions of people who come on Hollywood Squares. Tina, who is still all hopped up on teamwork, interjects that Rachel is not only just a selfish twat, she’s also massively talented (although clearly not so talented that she could skip college completely and star on Broadway right out of high school). Rachel tell Madame Tibideaux that if she would just listen to her sing it would open up the magical key to the kingdom of her heart. Whoopi tells them to git.

Back at home with Cooter, Beiste has it all figured out now that she processed her feelings with Puck. She’s gonna build a pool and have Puck clean it all summer. Or just move out.

Cooter is super duper extra sorry, but on the bright side he recruited a kid from Newton South which is a high school like 15 minutes away from my apartment.

But Shannon (which I should really call Beiste during these private moments) is having none of it. Dot-Marie Jones nails it as Cooter spews out every PSA abuser line from “You can’t hate me more than I already hate myself” to “Who’s going to love you the way I loved you?”

In what is only the third song in 25 minutes, Puck and Shannon join together for a round of Taylor Swift’s “Mean.” It would be a lot easier to take this scene seriously if Shannon wasn’t in knee socks and Puck wasn’t 30. Or maybe if they were singing something other than Taylor Swift. Shannon finishes off by announcing to Puck that he can retake his European Geography final because his teacher is totally hot for his mid-length hemlines or something. We probably should have seen this one coming what with Puck being on the cover of the Graduation Album. Shannon tells Puck he’s not alone and, yes, this would have been an excellent moment for “No One Is Alone” from Into the Woods but no one listens to me.

Over in the costume room, Tina drops some teamwork shit on the rest of the newbies.

Tina is happy to be sewing someone else’s costume because they are all unique beautiful rainbow colors and together they make a majestic sunset. As someone who spent a lot of time sewing costumes for amateur musical theater I feel obliged to let you know that The Costume Committee is almost always one girl who gets tricked in to it by her friends repeatedly and there’s never a nice big sewing room like that. However, the level of last-minuteness Glee is presenting is highly accurate.

Shannon goes ahead and asks Will and Sue if she can chaperone the Glee trip. She informs them she’s left Cooter since he turned out to be more of a Dick (heyooo). Also she has the smallest number of personal possessions ever. Clearly that bag is not actually big enough to hold all of her knee socks.

Anyways so Rachel and Finn share some sappy moment about how their Unique Factor is really just that they’re all so different. Diversity guys! To celebrate an entire episode without an obnoxious pep-talk/lecture from Finn, Rachel and Tina sing “What a Feeling” all the way from the auditorium on the way on to the bus to Nationals.

Did you say Nationals!?!?!