Then Quinn launches into “Never Can Say Goodbye” and I feel it’s one of Glee’s best put-together numbers.
It’s a story about a beautiful fairy princess with golden hair, bright red lips and pillowy eyelashes wearing the long gown of a sophisticated back-up singer in a ’70s music video.
The Princess had always wanted more power, and she thought she could get it by being mean, and then meaner. But now things have changed and she’s singing about it. Because for her the power would never come from being mean, she was wrong about that. The power would come from the opposite place — from her brand-new willingness to disregard all that. It comes from effortlessly inviting young men to dance with her, all those little boys she thought she’d loved, and then carelessly casting them aside. Now she knows her fantasies and artifice were just that: fantasies. Artifice.
Then the princess goes to her locker to look at things that used to hurt but don’t anymore and at things she knows how to love better, now. Then she returns to the classroom filled with goofball child-singers. In this scene she’s easy like Sunday morning in her white dress and precise headband and tasteful cardigan. There’s no self-consciousness or agenda anymore, she’s just happy to be singing.
Next up, Kurt’s in one of McKinley’s many rooms for kids with too many feelings, stewing over Sebastian and fabricating fire-related revenge fantasies. Santana pops in and pops back: “today is your lucky day, because Auntie Snixx just arrived on the Bitchtown Express.”
look between you and me, fuck this sebastian nonsense, we need to get to work on ENDA
They pitter-patter back and forth about the right philosophy behind their plan and, I assume, eventually select a plan of some kind. For Sebastian. Or whatever. You don’t really care, do you? I don’t. I don’t care much about the Sam/Mercedes duet that comes next either, so I’m just gonna run past it like Forrest Gump.
this is how i'm gonna run past this duet to "ben," which has always creeped me out because it's about a rat and i have issues with rodents
So wheeee Kurt is a “finalist” for NYADA, because NYADA is, apparently, a very unorthodox school with a strange admissions process. NYADA is leaving Julliard and Carnegie-Melon in its avant garde dust.
two white people talking to each other wearing earth tones
Anyhow, my girlfriend says that “Kurt’s Dad is the most under-appreciated member of the Screen Actors Guild.” Seriously every time he’s onscreen, she cries. She teared up during this scene.
“Hey Andrew McCarthy,” Santana says as she struts her black mini-skirtsuit-of-power-and-fantastic-rack into the Chair Storage Room. Sebastian, flanked with Wiley Warblers on both sides, slithers forward.
has been warming up her fists all day
Santana: “Don’t know if you heard, but Blaine may lose an eye. The same Blaine who was just besties with most of you not four months ago.”
Trent: “Wait, are you serious? Is he gonna be okay?”
Santana: “Well, sure. If he doesn’t care about seeing in three dimensions.”
Sebastian: “Trent, I got this. Bummer about Blaine, he was pretty. He shouldn’t have gotten in the way, though. That slushy was meant for Kurt.” God, could he be more hateful?
Santana: “You may look like the villain out of a cheesy 80s high school movie, but you should know that I am fully prepared to go all Danny LaRusso on your ass. Admit you put something in that slushie. What was it, huh? Glass? Asphalt?”
this is how santana is gonna go on his ass
Here’s the Michael Jackson version:
Here’s Glee:
The cellos strike up and Santana and Sebastian jot about like spies in the last scene of a movie stuck on a wild circular conveyer belt. The strings are hyper and serious. So they dart about. It really gets going when Santana starts singing. It’s like she’s begging you to stop asking questions with that “I don’t know, I don’t know,” or maybe it’s anguish from somewhere else.
When the song ends, Sebastian cracks like an unsub in Criminal Minds lured in via decoy suspect because they couldn’t handle anyone else taking credit for their work — he spills the beans to Santana that it was “rock salt” in the slushie. Then he tosses a rock-free slushy at Santana’s lovely face.
maybe sebastian didn't get the memo that santana's no longer accepting facials
This is rock salt:
Back at Glee, Santana reveals she’d taped spy equipment to her underboob, which is the closest this show will ever get to her overboob, and henceforth she’s got a recording of Sebastian’s confession re:rock salt. But then Kurt the Turtlenecked Killjoy is like, bla bla bla haters bla bla payback bla bla bla come to the auditorium so we can beat them in song Bla bla i love seesaws bla bla bla bla.
Oh! Santana:
gifs via gleekstorm.tumblr.com
Santana: “If Kurt would’ve taped this to his junk, I would’ve never heard the end of it! We would have had a whole week of songs about it.”
Ooooh, show! Thanks for the wink and the nod! Your microwave is in the mail! Love it. What a week that’d be, huh? Hopefully we could start with The Gay Pimp’s holiday classic, “Dickmatized.” What if one week Will strode in and wrote “The Gay Pimp Podcast” on the whiteboard? Wild.
it's like hoarders, but gay
Finn and Rachel duet unbearably (the unbearableness of it is exacerbated by the fact that whenever Rachel sings, she’s basically announcing to the world that she’s gonna ‘make it’, NYADA or not.) Do I have to tell you how I spent this scene, reader? Do I?
I remain in Child’s Pose while Artie Etc vomit cheez-whiz onto the screen via dim-witted platitudes about how the Warblers don’t “understand Michael” but The Glee Club does. This is 100% impossible because nobody understood Michael. He wanted us to, but he would’ve had to understand himself first, and I’m not sure that he ever did. SO STOP FRONTING, ARTIE.
Soooo everyone kerbangs to the auditorium to heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race.
During Black or White‘s unexpected morphing sequence my girlfriend pointed out that some Glee fans might not even know the reference and I said, Oh god, what if you’re right? But everybody knows this. You do, right? We’ve all seen this video. Right?
The thing about the “Black or White” video, gushingly earnest adages and all, is that when I saw it, it felt at once of the moment and of the future. It felt ‘of the moment’ because it was a relatively optimistic time, a time when we enthusiastically organized our recyclables into new labeled bins and learned in school that racism was on its way out and we believed it, too. Like we could make it go away just by smiling. Michael Jackson, the eternal child, even provided us kids with an ambassador in his music video — Macaulay Culkin — rapping and causing trouble like the 10-year-old white boy he most certainly was.
But it was also ‘of the future’ because it was the fifth or sixth time morphing had been used in popular entertainment and the first time I remember seeing it. We were just dumbstruck by it. I couldn’t believe my EYES!
Over 500 million people in 27 countries watched the premiere of that video, the largest audience ever for a video premiere at the time. It felt like pop music for children and maybe that’s because Jackson famously remained almost child-like for so long.
Anyhow where was I? Oh yes, this:
One-two-three baby you and me!
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
hey sweater vests are pretty important, okay
also you reminded me how rad Scream is <3
I don’t watch Glee anymore. I just read your recaps religiously.
Ditto!
During the morphing, I was totally remembering how mind-blowing and cool it was to see it for the first time when Black and White premiered.
Your avatar FTW!
Santana’s hot, and I miss Brittany.
This reminded me of that one skins episode where Pop Idol winner Will Young played a school counsellor who was like, “What would Michael say?” “I’m bad?” “No, he’d say, gotta be starting something.”
I like Will Young.
I agree with your girlfriend. Kurt’s dad kills me… His speeches turn me into a crying, sniffling lil girl… every time.
I remember watching the premiere of the Black and White video. You’re right, it was really special.
also watching those Michael Jackson videos made me remember that I have the Michael Jackson: The Experience Wii game that is totally rad and I need to play it more.
I agree…..Finchel sucks.
is 26 old? cause i remember all these videos and it just hit me that for others its all new…..bloody hell
BUT THE FABERRY!!! OMGIONEWIBN BNJREINJ KNJOIREJBPORBNOPBNOPFBODFPHJIRJHNOERNROEPNHJOPMTNJIOHNOETMOPDNM
x_X
i thought to myself ‘i bet paper-oh-flowers (that’s how i pronounce your name in my head) really liked this episode/bathroom scene’
Awwww you thought of me!?!? Yessssss. Life mission accomplished.
Not gonna lie, I almost started crying because I thought they were going to forget that Quinn was a feminist and make her tell Rachel to marry Finn. That was so unexpected O_O
YES. EXACTLY.
They should stop pretending to not steal L Word plot lines and rename the coffee place The Planet. Santana can sing riot grrrl songs and Finn can further embrace being so lesbigay. Also, Sebastian needs a My Lover Cindy.
I pretty much watch this show the same way I watched The L Word the last few seasons. I tune out all the dialogue and instead of paying attention during sex scenes I pay attention during song numbers.
That Santana gif!! Icanteven. It’s hypnotizing. Anyways, part of me dreads the upcoming Valentine’s Day episode because I’m sure it’ll involve a disgusting amount of Finchel, but I seriously can’t wait for Brittany and Santana to have some sexy screen-time. Also, for my mental health, I think I need Jane Lynch to be in every episode.
Spoiler alert! Valentine’s day is supposed to make all the good fandoms happy because the annoying ones aren’t focused on.
(Also, Sue wanting a baby? What the fuck is this show doing with her…? Ugh.)
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who was creeped out by “Ben” (it also didn’t help that every single time my brother put on the cassette he would sit on the floor, hugging Teddy Ruxpin all depressed for no reason.)I literally had to leave the room when they sang to Blaine.
This is the first Glee in a while where I wasn’t completely bored or upset the whole time. Quinn was great this episode (finally a solo!)and you can’t go wrong with Santana in a skirt and blazer.
Am I the only one who seriously enjoyed the RENT reference, then proceeded to sing it at the top of my lungs? Yes? Okay.
nope
The sheer number of Rent references Riese manages to put into these recaps makes me happier than Glee ever will.
*raises hand sheepishly*
I, um, totally did not get that reference. I’ve never seen the video for Black or White. So for me that scene was frightening and uncomfortable and dated-looking but mostly just frightening.
AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THOUGHT SAM & MERCEDES WAS AMAZING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
HUMAN NATURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MAY HAVE JIZZED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ll calm down now.
Sam’s my favourite dude, and that intro he had with: “We’re going to be seeing your name in lights for the rest of our lives, so we might as well start now!” made me vocally ‘awwww’.
It was very sweet. I totally ship TroutyTots.
That is a much better name than Samcedes! Using it now.
I wish I could take credit for it ’cause it’s awesome but I can’t. I heard it after the Nationals episode last season when they first starting dating.
As soon as Santana called Sebastian a twink, all I could think was, “People who are not ‘in’ on queer slang are gonna Google that now, and might be a little taken aback by the explicit results they will receive on their search if they don’t have the SafeSearch setting on.”
Though I didn’t like that Mercedes somewhat cheated with that kiss with Sam, I really like Sam and Mercedes now. I think they’re sweet together. Loved the Burt and Kurt scene. Really touching.
Holy flying fuck “Scream” was from ’95? I thought it was from ’98! Also the Faberry scene is FAB.
MAYBE SEBASTIAN DIDN’T GET THE MEMO THAT SANTANA’S NO LONGER ACCEPTING FACIALS
HEY-O!
my only complaint: why wasn’t Blaine dancing more during this episode? I’m still confused as to why producers decided to remove him for what could have been the mother of all Blaine 80’s cute dancing episodes.
They had to write him out for the time he stepped in on “How To Succeed” on Broadway. It overlapped with the end of the shoot of the Michael episode, 3×12 and 3×13. Personally, I think surely they could’ve come up with something better than rock salt in a slushie…
Blaine?! You’re worried about Blaine, of all people, not dancing? What about Heather fucking Morris? Where was *her* dance solo?
Brittany only spoke once. She was supposed to speak twice. The first being a response to Schu’s WWMJD? –“Probably lead the Bulls to another championship” Although the one line she did get was definitely epic Brit, and I’ll take it. I didn’t think Santana’s insults were too off this episode. I actually liked her a lot. She can’t stand Blaine-at all. Yet, because someone else tried to mess with her fam, she took it upon herself to defend it’s honor (nvm Kurt completing flaking in the end…). She would’ve never done this a year ago.
I love the character that is Santana. Mainly because she went from being “Cheerleader #2” in the Pilot, to essentially a headliner for Season 3. Her entire storyline was never supposed to happen. Brittana was never supposed to happen. As most do, I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but I will definitely be going down with this ship!
yup, my heart swells with pride for naya rivera every day.
I liked the episode too. Writing wise it was better than every episode since “Mash Off”. I was underwhelmed by the music, it sounded demo-ish at times, but Scream and Smooth Criminal were great, and I was pleasantly surprised with Never Can Say Goodbye.
There was some serious foreshadowing going on during that Rachel/Quinn scene and I loved it. I don’t know why they do this but hey, not complaining!
The Santana underboob scene, with the consequent remark about Kurt was the show taking a jab at themselves, I loved it. And Rachel sobbing at the lockers was kinda heartbreaking, she cries so well, hahaha.
Homegirl, they’ve been foreshadowing Quinn/Rachel since Season 1. It’s ABOUT TIME they brought it to the forefront.
#stillhavesomanyunresolvedfeelingsregardingmyotp
hahaha, they are my OTP too! Yeah, they’ve had cute moments before but I think this week’s episode was specially obvious in the foreshadowing department!
*hands her a gardenia* You’re my friend.
“Then Santana has sex with the song and parts the sea and leads everybody to Egypt”.
The first of many that tickled, bravo *wipes tear*.
I was in a room full of people where I had to explain the morphing scene from the “Black or White” video. They had never seen the real version. We are the same age. I am 26.
This makes me feel either very cultured or really old.
this episode made me feel, even more so than usual, like i had missed a very important part of my childhood. i’m the kid who never gets references to most 90s movies and tv shows because my parents gave me books instead. so anyway. never got the whole michael jackson thing. my girlfriend was super excited about this entire episode and sang along to all the songs…and i think i knew maybe one of the songs. sort of. and i had no idea ben was about a rat (was it really? i don’t get that).
so tuesday night clearly brought up all sorts of emotions for me.
I feel a tiny bit like a bad gay for not immediately getting the Rent reference. My thought process went something like : “Angel? I mean, I guess Buffy counted as the love of OHGOTITRENT.”
Janet Jackson in the Scream video. Really. Wow.
If I was Artie imagining this video I would pick Janet over Mike Chang. That’s the great thing about imagination.
Ship ’em. Chabrams. Let’s do this.
Hahaha. That’s such a good point.
I love Finn and Rachel and am happy that Rachel said yes. They both deserve to be happy and with each other nthey will be happy.
<3 awwww
Riese, you totally nailed this entire episode in this one paragraph! This is why I only ever need AS for the recaps:
“Now, I’m no Michael Jackson superfan or expert, but aside from Artie’s Wikipedia Facts, nobody gets specific about Michael, and that’s unfortunate because Michael WAS specific. He was such a strange specific human being, specific in his beauty and in his decay and also in his talent. In other words, it’s obvious whoever wrote this episode is not a Michael Jackson fan but whoever choreographed this episode knew EXACTLY what they were doing.”
Disappointing, show.
thank you
Did anyone else notice that Tina was 100% not present in the entire episode? Was anyone else bothered by that? Just me?
Also, I liked the Samcedes number, and I was profoundly confused and a bit offended when Artie just like – got up and walked around.
Glee handles pretty much 100% of all minority issues horribly, with the exception of like, explicitly gay stuff. Le sigh.
*gay male stuff
Oh, apparently she was present in the first number, and the dance off with the Warblers, but I didn’t see her picture in Black and White.
She is way overdue for a storyline, hmph.
1) Recap was, as usual, awesome. Every time I read one, I remember why I rely solely on Autostraddle for Glee, as opposed to the emotionally draining process of, y’know, actually watching the show.
2) Some of the comments on that article about Santana and Brittany actually kissing (FINALLY) are ridiculous. Seriously.
just fyi, here’s the video of 2Cello’s version of “Smooth Criminal:” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjOQac1vOEc
So basically the sole creative re-intrepreation of a Michael Jackson song in the episode was not actually from the minds of the folks at “Glee.” I know it is incorrect to say they “stole” the arrangement and visual presentation, since the 2Cello’s guys were in the number, but it bothers me that most people watching probably marveled at the abilities of the Glee creative team. Also, it explains the random room full of chairs…turns out the room had nothing to do with Dalton!
“LOOK BETWEEN YOU AND ME, FUCK THIS SEBASTIAN NONSENSE, WE NEED TO GET TO WORK ON ENDA”
And that’s why this blog is the absolute best ever.
I know it’s been 10 years but that caption of Santana not accepting facials anymore lives in my head rent free. I still think about that AT LEAST once a week. So on this day of Naya remembrance I wanted to say thank you for your amazing Gleecaps. They truly were the best thing about Glee – after Naya of course <3