Santana, clearly tortured by the possibility of not being fully embraced by all the straight and/or white guys in her class, is serenaded by a stripped-down version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun,” which is a song written by a man. At some point, Finn literally sits in front of Santana’s face, directly serenading her, and at some other point I believe Artie wheels over to penetrate her cheek with his eyeballs and honestly it’s all quite unbearable.
Finn’s angling to make his point about Santana’s latent desire to stab herself in the heart by doing something so patronizing, sanctimonious and obnoxious that even I wanna kill myself by the time the song’s over. To stave off those temptations I spent the scene in child’s pose:
Although the jury’s still out on why Finn’s so convinced that Santana’s got a screw loose, if we accept his inference as remotely true (which I don’t, but whatever), then this song shouldn’t be Finn’s! It should be Rachel, Tina, Quinn and Mercedes singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” to Santana and Bi-Brittany. Ideally in boyshorts and white tank tops. But having the boys do it? A complete total overall unforgettable waste of time.
Santana, possessed by anthrax or tracker jacker juice, actually thanks Finn…
…and then she hugs Finn.
(I actually was in Child’s Pose during this, I’m just going off the screencaps)
Cut to Finn Hudson High’s expansive auditorium, where the students are gathering to cast their votes for Senior Class President. Who will they pick? The hockey player, Bi-Bi-Brittany with the candy or Gay-Gay-Kurt with the salad bar? The fate of approximately ten minutes of follow-up three weeks from now hangs in the balance.
Santana and Brittany cavort boisterously and cutely in the background of Jacob Ben-Whatshisface’s Internet Page Video, largely obscured by his giant melon, and Brittany says she’s voting for the hockey player.
“Team Brittany all the way,” says an uncharacteristically delighted and not-remotely-psychologically-damaged Santana Lopez. It’s true she never looked this happy with Sam or Finn or Puck or whomever.
Kurt says he feels like a lamb waiting to be slaughtered, but Finn helpfully reminds him that it’s not over ’til all the votes are counted. That’s just how time works. Finn is so smart and helpful!
There’s a brief and very funny voting montage which includes Puck writing in Ross Perot, Â Mercedes voting for Kurt ’cause “if Santana’s girlfriend wins, I’ll never hear the end of it,” Quinn voting for the one who is “most girl” and Santana adorably plastering her ballot with a sweet lady-kiss, which’s the most girl-on-girl action you’ll be getting this episode so lap it up like a 44 cent stamp, girls.
Also I have this in my notes:
“Cooter likes to take it up the butt, is what’s happening here.”
Now that Santana’s ad has implicitly hit the airwaves, the men of Finn Hudson High look at Santana with dramatically unbridled male-on-lesbian lust. The slow-cam suggests that this is a new special situation, incredibly unlike the male-on-straight-girl lust habitually cast her way for the entirety of her adolescence.
Suddenly, Jughead Jones corners Santana with a friendly offer to fuck the gay right out of her and before she can enforce a zero tolerance asshole policy on his face, Mercedes and The Girls pop up like a tiger pack. Mercedes is alllllll up in his face. “Move your busted creeper ass. Now.”
“Easy girls, I’m just trying to make her normal,” he protests.
“She is normal,” says Bi-Brittany.
Quinn, drawn to the action by the scent of a smackdown, shows up to say “It’s not a choice, idiot. But even if it were, you’d be our last choice.”
And then:
Lest the Men of Finn Hudson High suspect Santana’s lesbianism is just another example of a nubile young female experimenting with faux-lesbian-action for male entertainment before ultimately returning permanently to Hot Heterosexual Man Meat, The Girls break into a song about nubile young females experimenting with faux-lesbian-action for male entertainment before ultimately returning permanently to Hot Heterosexual Man Meat.
Glee’s glittery version of Katy Perry’s insufferable “I Kissed a Girl” (written by three men and allegedly one woman) is still hard to dislike, because it’s pretty and poppy and fun. Possibly the highlight of the episode, even — but also, who choreographed this, Punky Brewster?
The boys present looks of approval and other positive emotions while the girls do lots of things. None of those things are kisses. However, those things are “dance moves” and those “dance moves” include mock-petting Santana from both sides, assembling a butt-to-butt train, clumsily developing a Chorus Line, tapping each other repeatedly on the shoulder and shaking their hips like many many bon-bons.
At the song’s end, Santana throws out, “I told my parents last night, and they were actually okay with it,” and despite the consistent lady-patience and compassion we’ve exhibited throughout Kurt’s 56 Coming Out Episodes, 75 Magic Dates and 5,452 Dad-Son conversations, that’s it. Just that one magical line.
Rumor has it Ricky Martin and Gloria Estefan may guest as Santana’s parents, which’ll be fun but also possibly awkward for Gloria because she’s also secretly gay. You’ll see.
Figgins then summons Kurt to his dark chamber of arbitrary judgment to accuse him of stuffing the ballot box (that’s what she said). Brittany won, sidenote, but regardless Kurt did no such thing (he’s a bottom, duh!), which means, clearly, Rachel Berry did, because that’s what Rachel Berry does: she prioritizes the ends over the means every time, though it seems almost noble this time, because even though it was kinda about her, it was mostly about Kurt.
Finn, Chief of the Morality Police, scolds Rachel for stuffing the ballot box and potentially condemning Kurt to the annals of suspension. God, I’m so glad men exist to stop us ladies from killing and suspending everyone with tampons, salad tongs and inferior judgment!
I gotta admit this episode made me miss episodes that were mostly about Rachel, which is insane.
During a really long commercial break, I forgot that I was watching Glee in the first place.
Cut to Santana’s Abuela’s Cocina, where Santana’s ready to spill the lesbian beans, no salsa.
Santana summons all the confidence and eloquence everybody but Finn knows she’s always had and says, with her whole entire heart:
Santana:Â “I’ve watched you my whole life and you’ve always been so strong, done exactly what you believe and never cared what anybody else thought of you… I love girls, in the way I’m supposed to love boys. It’s just something I want to share with you because I love you so much. I want you to know me. When I’m with Brittany, I finally understand what people are talking about when they’re talking about love.”
Santana:Â “And I’ve tried so hard to keep this locked up inside, but everyday just feels like a war. And I walk around so mad at the world, and I’m really just fighting with myself. I don’t wanna fight anymore, I’m just too tired. I have to just be me.”
We’ve just taken a giant step into Santana’s special heartspace — and yes, in that place I cry a special tear, both for this scene and for all the scenes just like it that we’ll never see. Then things get ugly.
Santana so rarely offers her truth, it seems so harsh to refuse it.
Abuela: “Everyone has secrets, Santana. They’re called secrets for a reason. I want you to leave this house, I don’t ever want to see you again… you made your choice, now I have made mine… it’s selfish of you to make me uncomfortable… the sin isn’t in the thing, it’s in the scandal, when people talk about it aloud.”
Santana:Â “So you’re saying it would have been better if I would’ve kept this a secret?”
Abuela repeats that she’d like Santana to get her lesbian ass out the door but Santana has to break down and cry a lot first, which I mean — duh — but she’s likely just as confused as we are. God seeing Santana cry is the worst.
This’d be an opportune time to show us how she feels when she’s with Brittany instead of just telling us about it — in fact, this ENTIRE EPISODE is a nonstop opportunity to delve into Brittany and Santana’s relationship — but we’re all dying to know what’s happening with Puck and Quinn so let’s get to that!
[I can’t wait ’til next week when they’ll probably drop abuela like a hot potato. Papas fritas!]
In the next scene, there’s some heterosexual action, interrupted by Quinn’s weirdo attitude, called out by Puck:
At some point Puck becomes smart for approximately two minutes during which he bestows the Male Gift of Psycho-analyzation to her:
Puck: “You don’t need a baby or a dude or anyone to make you special. If there’s one person I’m sure is gonna get the hell out of this town and make something of herself, it’s you.”
Despite the GAH ANOTHER WISE MAN factor, I think that’s all Quinn needed to hear — ’cause she’s been declaring her inevitable Lima Barefoot-and-Pregnant Binging-on-Rice-Krispie-Treats future to everyone who will listen and nobody ever disputes it, or tells her that she could be more than that. And as soon as he says it, it seems true. She asks if maybe they can just cuddle now. So they do.
Kurt, wearing an afghan/poncho/turtleneck/abomination and, I believe, grey leggings, addresses the class to “personally and publicly congratulate President Brittany” because he likes to hear himself talk.
Brittany hugs him and says he’s still a unicorn, which’s all that truly matters to anyone except, apparently, NYADA. Blaine squeezes Kurt’s encased thigh and says they’ll “figure it out” (or something) because Blaine is perfect and sweet like that.
Also, Sugar Fucking Motta’s truly the most unicorn of them all, look at that bitch, she’s wearing anal beads around her neck and a gypsy scarf and a fuzzy white sweater weaved out of Mrs.Claus’ beard:
Now it’s Santana’s turn to address the class:
Santana: “So I picked a song that gives me strength and gets me through. The same way all of you do. The struggle continues, but at least I know I’m not alone.”
And ain’t that the truth. She’s got her gay allies, Kurt and Blaine, and she’s got her bisexual girlfriend Brittany, and she’s got Rachel with her embedded gay-dad-sensitivities and she’s got her old friend Quinn, doesn’t she? So it makes perfect sense that directly after saying, “at least I know I’m not alone,” Santana promptly locks eyes with…
Finn?!!?!??!!?
Brittany’s pretty busy watching paint dry, I guess:
If you’ve got one ounce of a “will to live” left, it’s time for a rousing rendition of the kd Lang classic “Constant Craving,” starring Santana and three other storylines that aren’t Santana.
Post-musical-number, Rachel arrives, tear-stained, and announces she’s been suspended and can’t compete in sectionals. This is devastating, because this ups the chances that Finn and his autotune will be prominently featured at sectionals. LORD HAVE MERCY.
My favorite part of this episode was reading The Hunger Games during the commercial break, thinking about making this playlist, and eating this Amy’s Pizza I just baked in the oven.
No but really, in conclusion — when Santana came out I felt like I had my girl. I got her. I was like that, a razor-tongued slut who hated everybody, who built emotional walls like they’d magically become a fortress one day and not just a giant moat, who never understood why my feelings about boys were so fucked up and my feelings about girls were so scary but also easy but also so far away. And so I’m let down. I never expected Glee to give me the only coming out speech I ever related to, but then it did and then it went back to being just like everything else, which is to say — lackluster.
I hope that every girl reading this knows in her deepest hearts of hearts and also in the forefront of her brain that the only way this will ever change is for us to do it for ourselves. Is for women to be the writers, the producers, the CEOs. We are the only ones who know how to tell our own stories. We’re the only ones paying attention.
In other words:Â when all their promises are gone, we’re the only ones.
next week:
