Kurt’s auditioning for the romantic male lead by hopping around a play structure like Curious George Goes To the Olympics while singing a song from Funny Girl about being the biggest star in the whole wide world. It’s spectacular but also entirely irrelevant to the role he’s auditioning for.
Perhaps he’s just attempting to prove his skills at this:
Or this?
Or maybe this?
Regardless it’s an A+ audition for Funny Girl.
Puck, ’cause he’s too dumb to grasp the depths of Quinn’s ability to shock him, shock him, shock him with her deviant behavior, pleas with Quinn to subscribe to GOOP and hold the baby and make cooing noises like in the cotton commercials.
Puck: “You look like a Real Housewife of Reno.”
Puck says Beth will surely be messed up raised as a little chicklet in a house with a loving mother if Quinn doesn’t bestow her smoky hotness and sharp wit upon the child.
Rachel’s their top choice for Maria, but Miss Tupperware says Mercedes has “the most soulful voice” — I mean who will they pick. It will have to be a diva-off.
Let’s talk Tony. Y’all it is presently 7:15 on Thursday PM and if I don’t finish this tonight then I am going to lie on Pablo The Neighborhood Cat until he eats my hands off and I have a good excuse not to write this recap. The thing is that Pablo is very peaceful and would never bite me. We want to start a tumblr about Pablo called pabloisintheway.tumblr.com. I’m always like “Pablo! Pablo I’m gonna run over you in my bike if you don’t move!” He’s fat, and he had fleas so he got this random haircut that looks like when you’re drunk cutting your friend’s hair, like it was in chunks? And even as it grows out, it looks more amazing, and Pablo sitting there looking at you like, “I ain’t movin’, bitch,” is like hilariously funny, which you would know if we started that tumblr.
This episode may have been spectacular, it might be my own attitude/exhaustion that’s the problem. If anyone reading this has CEO experience, please email me.
Coach Beiste: “No question, he owned that song like it was his prison bitch. My only concern is Tony’s supposed to be from the streets, an alpha gang member. I look at Kurt and I don’t believe it.”
It’s high time Kurt learns that listening in on other people talking about you is always really fucking depressing:
Artie: “Kurt may be a little delicate for Tony.”
You know what that means, right?
Kurt is extremely too gay for this:
He’s also WAAAAYYY TOO GAY for this:
And like, so gay he goes all the way past this and back to gay again, which is far too gay for this:
Following Kurt’s oppressive homosexual snooping experience, he experiences an open-air homosexual experience and I’m not talking about The Roman Baths. I’m talking about some serious collaging skills:
Kurt just about loses his few remaining marbles and Brittany, per always, is like “why don’t you see yourself as lovely as I see you?” and it’s because Kurt, JUST LIKE ME AND MAYBE YOU, overthinks everything and makes it all so complicated when really it’s not at all complex or deep or insurmountable — you are who you are, you get better with age and refinement, and ideally you’ll reach the age of 30 with enough self-esteem to grab your own life by the bulging pink fun sacks and ride your unicorn into the sunset.
Brittany: “I don’t know why you’re so upset. You’re special.”
Obviously her bff, Santana, who was #robbedinthisepisode, and I guess is still allegedly “not in Glee Club” ’cause of homophobic misogyny, gives her a pep talk because that’s what girl friends do for girl friends.
No but really – – Santana takes off the bitch mask and gets real with Brittany these days, and I think that means that she’s opening up — even if it’s just a little bit — to the idea of giving love, of being vulnerable, of taking love, too. These two are just fucking adorable.
Santana:Â “No look, this campaign is brilliant. And if he doesn’t get that, then he doesn’t deserve to have you as his campaign manager. There’s no one like you. You’re a genius, Brittany. You’re the unicorn.”
They’re totally scissoring. Or else using that unicorn horn as a thigh strap-on.
I’m glad they’re so focused on Kurt’s image and how his sexuality is incorporated into the campaign because that’s the most important part of student council — not tater tot campaigns or homecoming planning — but how you feel about your sexuality and gender identity.Â
Kurt, wearing tights and a billowy medieval jumpsuit situation, has decided to prove his “masculine power” by performing a scene from Romeo & Juliet with a really bad hairstyle, just like straight guys.
The judges can’t stop laughing and eventually Lea can’t stop laughing either, so that’s the end of that scene I was closing my eyes and screaming for the entirety of.
Also, once again for your reference, the manly men of West Side Story:
So here we are at the part of the recap where if I wake up on Friday morning and this shit hasn’t been published, I might never write another email again. So let’s knock this shit out, shall we?
SO UM bababy bababybbabbybyy.
Shelby: “I know what happened to you, it’s the same thing that happened to me when I gave up Rachel.”
PROJECTING.
Shelby: “First step to becoming an adult, stop punishing yourself for things you did as a child.”
Quinn sees baby on iPhone, has nice nails:
Um, Rachel and Finn are in the carshop GO GREASE LIGHTNING and Rachel thinks Finn should dream big, keeps pumping up his ego about whatever, being special, when really she should just go to NYMADHADA and find a nice boyfriend who isn’t a lesbian but might be gay. Call it “Me and My Hag.”
Finn wants to work at the autoshop and Rachel is classist.
Rachel: “You’re better than that. you may not know it but i do.”
Finn:Â “You’re the best girlfriend ever.”
Nothing like that girl from the hot tub.
Kurt and his Dad having a conversation about um, masculinity. It’s actually a kinda annoying convo only saved by Blaine’s performance at the end proving that um, gay men can play straight what is this NEWSWEEK?!
Burt: “Dude you’re gay. You’re gay. And you’re not like Rock Hudson gay, you’re really gay. You sing like Diana Ross and you dress like you own a magic chocolate factory.”
Kurt: “Why are you being so mean to me?”
Burt: “There’s nothing wrong with that, it’s who you are.”
Kurt: “If I wanna be an actor I have to pass as straight to get those big romantic roles and I want those roles. Every actor does.”
La la la la talkity talk talk.
Burt’s solution is for Kurt to write his own movies and plays, which is an even better career opportunity than simply performing in movies and plays. Maybe he can get something on the “here! network.”
Dance Dance Dance Revolution! Finn falls on his goofy ass.
Then Quinn shows up dressed like Alice in Wonderland, rejoins.
So now Quinn wants full custody GAH WHY
Brittany admires her work, which is amaze. Kurt likes it now too and wants to hang out to plan his campaign and eat some fat-free nonsense.
Brittany has decided to run for student council too. This means she’ll have to sleep with everyone including Santana. SCORE!
Also she’s bisexual:
Brittany’s starting to believe in her own magic, which I think means her and Santana are riding the hobby horse.
Then Blaine kills it, eats it, and says STICK A FORK IN ME I’M DONE
The end! I wish the Brittana parts had been in the beginning when I was still young
