Glee 221 Recap: “Funeral”, or “Back to Black”

Next up is Kurt, doing “Some People” from Gypsy, which I also love. Every time I dream about someone, I wish I could sing so I could sing to them I HAD A DREAM A DREAM ABOUT YOU [PERSON]! Remember when he did “Rose’s Turn” and said, Then where would you be, Miss Rachel Berry?

If you’re wondering about the outfit, it’s pretty simple: Tribal MC Hammer pants, a rainproof utility vest formerly owned by a merman, a tie from the ’90s, and some honestly kickass white Doc Marten boots.

tank boy

The hole in the back of Kurt’s vest is for ventilation, and also to let any bees out if a bee flies into his vest. FYI, I am currently stone cold sober on an airplane somewhere between San Francisco and Detroit with limited battery power and a vague recollection of this episode. Bear with me.

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Predictably enough, Jesse’s got nothing nice to say. But he has been drawing a picture of Finn’s prized posession for target practice:

artisocats

Jesse asks Kurt if he’s aware the song is traditionally sung by a woman. Kurt says that memo has been distributed, absorbed, recapped and settled upon like, before he even had buttsex for the first time.

If Will gets any more spineless he’s gonna start slouching like Finn. Then who will sing the lead at Nationals.

see the thing is, it's a bitch of a living

Backstage, the auditions have brought out the bite in these girls and they’re snapping at each other about how each of them is better than the other. One crazy train stop short of bitch-slapping each other with two cheeseburgers.

Mercedes sings “Try a Little Tenderness,” it’s pretty awesome. Will smiles and says something lifted from a greeting card or a cereal commercial and then Jesse says something pulled from his asshole, which is traditionally sung by a man. Specifically he calls Mercedes “lazy” which is, I think, racist? Right? I mean what does it take Will.

I’m gonna start a campaign to get Mercedes a fucking boyfriend (or girlfriend, whatever she’s into, not judging) because I am in fact genuinely interested in that potential storyline, since basically right now she’s I feel like they’re refusing to go any further than “sassy” or expressing “tender adolescent cliches about love” into like HER CORE. Unlike everyone else, who’s just wide open like a Bloomin’ Onion.

The trio sits up in the nosebleed seats for what will undoubtedly be a killer number from Rachel Berry, who announces that she’s going to sing the most difficult thing she’s ever sung, which is Barbara Streisand’s closing number from Funny Girl. The Autowin Award for the Worst Edit of the Year goes to the Cotton-Commercial montage of Finn’s goofy lezmug in his Varsity Jacket, smiling like he just won the Soapbox Derby and the prize was a pizza party, spliced into the opening of Lea’s song. I think it’s stock footage.

dream lover come rescue me take me in take me out take me any way you wanna baby now

At the end, it’s abundantly clear that everyone just blew our fucking eyeballs out. Perfect for all four, smiles all around, extra points for Kurt’s Mein Herr getup and Santana’s woman-of-the-night mini-dress and for you know, music in general.

huh. looks like that light bulb blew out

Jesse tells Rachel she was amazing. Will says he’s going to think a few days to think about who will be their featured soloist, he needs to go home and lie in front of his door in case someone comes over and needs a mat to wipe their toe shoes on.

Funeral alert! I don’t remember much of this scene, I tend to blackout when television programs try to manipulate my emotions instead of feed me opportunities for jokes, laughter, Santana Fucking Lopez, and celebration.

i changed my mind. let's let brittana have this scene. it's only fair

Sue begins to read her eulogy, and begins crying, like everyone does whilst reading a eulogy, but luckily her best best best friend Will Pansykidd steps up to the stage to support her OH MY GOD it wasn’t enough to make Will rap, now you’re having him read the eulogy.

michael scott would've killed this scene. KILLED IT.

Despite the aura of death and sadness and the deep questioning funerals ignite within our tortured souls, Santana and Brittany aren’t holding hands during this scene.

that was the moment when it hit sam -- will wasn't a real human. HE WAS AN ALIEN

Fun fact: I love Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory in a really serious way — I’m talking about the original, not the Johnny Depp version, you tiny tiny children. In fact — guess what quote I have on a sticky note on my desktop ALL THE TIME? THIS ONE:

Look:

During this song we see someone’s broken in to Sue’s facebook and made a photo montage video like the kind they played at graduation while playing Amy Grant. On a CASETTE PLAYER.

Also there’s a 10-piece orchestra behind that gate. Every time Artie opens his mouth I curse the day he started dating Brittany.

They look like someone died or something. Also Brittany’s wearing the dress you wore for family pictures circa Christmas 1991.

I just like this picture.

Then Quinn and Finn go into his truck to break up. Quinn tries to slow down the train to Dumpsville by reminding Finn that next year they really will be Prom King and Queen, because last time they went to prom, Finn liked it so much he punched someone else in the face. Next year he could be in charge of that! Listen Finn doesn’t care about this shit. Finn cares about FEELINGS and also about Rachel Berry. It’s hard to tell if Quinn’s hurt because she loves him, or because she loves the idea of him, or doesn’t know how to have a different idea.

Quinn sheds one tear and says, “is this feeling enough for you?” and I mean — one tear? Really? No that’s not enough feeling. You can’t shortchange a lesbian on feelings and not expect us to notice.

Brittany is filming Jesse and Will talking about who will win the big game, I mean the audition situation. This episode is really hard to remember, and I’m not just saying that because I think I maybe burned a hole in my brain due to a brief flirtation with illegal narcotics in the mid-’00s.

ok so i can take this home and make a video with santana for you

Brittany invites Jesse onto Fondue for Two. That’ll be a very very special episode!

The kids clamor around the sheet in the hall, desperate for the Big Results, but it’s just a note about a meeting. It’s like a scavenger hunt, except the prize is Will Schuster’s wax-lipped-grin and his final decision. What is it?

for less than a cup of coffee, you could support just one of the many children who need your help now

Will decides to just scratch everything they’ve done all week because they’re gonna go back to the original plan of writing, choreographing and learning original songs IN ONE WEEK. It’s gonna be Lil’ Wayne fast. Better get some syrup.

All the kittens make up and rub their little paws all over each other.

Kurt: “Actually, Santana, you sounded pretty good.”
Santana: Thanks. You guys were all pretty dope, too. Even Rachel.”
Rachel: “I wish I could sound like you do, Santana. How do you get that raspiness?”
Santana: “I smoke cigars.”

just take these words, and put them into sentences, and then BAM! sing that shit

Will says “whatever we do, we’ll do together.” Like, duh. It’s not like they’re gonna go without Kevin or something. If Will was a piece of cheese, I would grill him and I would use mayonaise instead of butter on the bread because I just read about that in Glamour Magazine.

At the end Sue tells Will she re-routed the tickets to Libya but Honey Badger saves the day with a story just about wacky enough as Honey Badger herself, and then Emma tells Will he really should stay in New York and explore her dreams and never ever come back to McKinley High and I totally agree. Mouths move, words come out, etc.

Anyhow, Sue’s not gonna be mean to Will anymore, she says. Sue kinda has to change, you know? She has an opportunity most of us don’t have when we lose somebody, which is to draw something positive out of the experience. She can become a significantly better, considerably different human. I doubt this will last, probably they will forget she died and have Sue picking flowers from her sister’s garden to take a blind kid to prom.

Sue: “In the history of our relationship, I’ve said many things to you. But there’s one thing I’ve never said: good luck. You know, I spent all this time hating you, hating that Glee Club – I do this thing where I sort of alternate which one of those kids I hate the most; right now, it’s the dancing Asian – but after what you did for my sister, I just can’t do it anymore. You have something Jean had, that I do not have: a pure heart. You’re a very good friend, William, and I have not been that to you.”

Oh, Will and his pure stupid heart. Also, Becky comes to turn in her pom-poms and I just about wanna stick a creamsicle in my eye I’m so tempted to cry about this but Sue hires her back, makes her captain of Cheerios, and then HUGS HER. Tender moment.

tender moments

Cliffhanger? Fin says he’s glad Quinn’s not quitting Glee over their breakup and Quinn says of course she’s not quitting it’d ruin her big plans for New York. What are your big plans for New York, says Finn. Ten dollars she’s got tickets to Phantom and wants to jump on the piano in FAO Schwartz like they did in Big.

if you think you liked breadsticks, just wait 'til you taste the unlimited soup salad and breadsticks at the olive garden in times square where riese used to work

My number one feeling about this episode:

don't you wish your intern was hot like mine

At the end of the show, all the bad guys are being nice and we still have no idea what’s going on with Brittany and Santana. Or Lauren and Puck. Or Mercedes. Or Kurt and Blaine and Karofsky. 

Sometimes I wonder that the killer from the first season of True Blood is gonna show up with his belt ready to strangle Glee Club to death and Will will be like “You guys, he just wants to teach us Cajun dance moves and buy some taffy!”

I feel like Brittany and Santana would be really good vampires. Oh my god. Kurt would be SUCH a good vampire.