Do I even need to say it. Do I even need to tell you where to put your children (far away, like in the cellar if you have one, or maybe at soccer camp or viola lessons or something) and where you need to hide your television (far away, like in the cellar if you have one, or alternatively you could bring me your teevee because I can’t afford my own) and what to do with your ears (blast them out of your head with dynamite)? I do not. We all can see, plain as the day Quinn’s baby was born and subsequently disappeared into the vortex, what’s happening here.
IT’S THE FULL FRONTAL ATTACK OF YEAH YOU KNOW IT YOU GOT IT
Last week we saw all varieties of homosexual activity on three — THREE! — different prime-time television programs. Except one of them was in the UK, where everyone is drunk and a communist and happier than we are, so you know. Whatever.
Anyhow, before I launch into this guaranteed-to-be-halfassed recap which will certainly leave out most of the heterosexual business, primarily because I am still unable to separate Lea Michele, that-girl-i-knew-who-was-friends-with-all-my-friends, from Rachel Berry, the character, and therefore I feel dorky/strange/stupid writing about her in any substantial way and by “substantial” I mean “fangirlish” because that’s the language recappers are supposed to speak (I realize this sounds like a namedrop, but I’ve been asked why I don’t talk about this or that Rachel moment, so there’s your answer, end of conversation! Ta-da!), let’s cut to the part that I still honestly cannot believe happened on my teevee:
The thing about gay kisses on teevee is that they tend to be pretty tepid, almost comically so — like everyone super-glues their lips together and then stuffs their glued-up face in another girls face and holds it there, lips still tightly affixed, for 2-3 seconds. Like this:
If you want tongue, try Showtime. Or, you know, Pretty Little Liars. But Kurt & Blaine actually parted lips, possibly even wiggled some tongues down some throats and warbled their way to couple-ville this week, which seemed improbable as I imagined Blaine was coming to find Kurt as insufferable as I currently do and they’d never get together under these circumstances.
But I underestimated the power of an acoustic Beatles tune to bring a homo to his knees.
The episode opens at Dalton Academy, where The Warblers have done the impossible and managed to choose yet ANOTHER song that’d make me walk right out of GapKids no matter what was on the sale rack in a size 18. Apparently these Warbler children who did, to be fair, gave us plenty of clues that they were merely imaginary lemmings sprouted from Blaine’s ID, believe their best/only shot at winning anything ever is to have Blaine sing a song while they make doo-wop noises in the background like little musical soldiers. Kurt, READING OUR MINDS, points out —
Kurt: “Can I be really honest with you? Because it comes from a place of caring: Been there, done that. Look, Blaine, your solos are breathtaking. They’re also numerous.”
Mhm. If they wanna wow the crowd, they can’t just cover Train and Maroon 5 and all those other pussy guys while Blaine does sign language. WHAT WILL THEY DO? WHO WILL HE SING WITH?
Cut to Kurt in his room looking at himself for no reason when his pet bird Pavarotti, who I may or may not remember ever existing prior to this episode, drops dead. That’s unfortunate considering Kurt could’ve used the money he spent on that Burberry birdcage cover on saving a child from the devastation of the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear crisis currently happening in Japan or even saving a child who lives nowhere near Japan and has never heard of Japan but nevertheless is, as they say, “hungry.”
But Kurt is also hungry. Hungry for “me-time” which for Kurt means “everybody-look-at-me-time”! He decides to express his feelings about Pavarotti’s death through song — BLACKBIRD. Jeezus there are no words for my love of this song.
Reader — I cried. Mostly I was thinking about George Harrison, though. No JK, I was thinking about John Lennon.
This is the moment that Blaine will reference later when he confesses to Kurt, after having encouraged his cult to allow him and Kurt to do a duet together and gotten the sign-off on it:
“Kurt, there is a moment when you say to yourself, ‘Oh, there you are. I’ve been looking for you forever’. Watching you do Blackbird this week, that was the moment for me, about you. You moved me, Kurt. And this duet would just be an excuse to spend more time with you.”
I expected Kurt to literally cry tears of joy, but going in for the makeout ain’t so bad either. I’m hoping sex will losen Kurt’s collar a tad and remind him to show us some genuine “glee” again. In other words, I expected this. What are the kids at World’s Only Coffee Shop gonna say when these two boys stride in holding hands? TIME WILL TELL!
I’m happy that by the end of this episode we saw Kurt expressing shards of GLEE, the feeling, and I hope to see more of how this relationship makes Kurt happy.
Over at the lockers of our Discontent and Thwarted Desires, Brittany cutely edges up to Santana’s locker: “Hey, can I ask you a question? We used to be really close, and I really miss being your friend.”
Santana’s got the ice wall up in full effect — the rigid jaw, the cold, menacing stare — “Still waiting for the question,” she retorts.
“Did I do something wrong?” Brittany asks, sad as a sad puppy.
“I don’t know, did you?” Santana turns and almost — almost betrays her steely exterior but she ultimately powers through that moment where she’s forced to nearly look Brittany in the eye and wants to die again and lands safely on the other side of it — where Santana’s feelings still belong to Santana and nothing hurts.
Santana continues — “All I know is you blew me off to be with Stubbles McCripplepants. But it’s your loss. Because now I get the chance to write a heterosexual song about Sam, that we’re going to sing at Regionals.”
G-d DAMN.
Nicely played. See ladies — watch and learn. This is how one maintains one’s cool trashwhore exterior. Firstly: never make yourself vulnerable. One must keep the upper hand, one must have complete control, one must relish in the power of being the one less in love. Failing all that, one must at least APPEAR to have the upper hand/control/be less in love.
Let’s diagram.
+
1.
All I know is you blew me off…
Retrospectively downgrades the significance and importance of Brittany rejecting Santana’s desire to be with her despite the incredible stakes by referring to “breaking my heart” as “blowing me off.”
+
2.
…to be with Stumbles McCripplepants…
Here she swiftly invalidates Artie’s adequacy as a partner and as a man. This is CLASSIC! It’s transparent but the beauty of these transparent low-blows is that they’re too low for anyone to call you out on being transparent because they’re still recovering from the fact that you actually said what you just said. Also serves to re-establish Santana as existing ABOVE Artie in the food chain of love despite being (as she sees it ) rejected for Artie.
+
3.
It’s your loss.
Standard. We all say this, it’s like our last mad dash towards a strand of pride.
+
4.
…’Cause now I get the chance to write an awesome heterosexual song about Sam…
This is a hit at Brittany for favoring her het relationship over lovegames with Santana. Santana is mocking Brittany’s participation in this farcical sexuality by rubbing its normativity in her face and sarcastically restating its inherent superiority.
Also an attempt to make Brittany jealous that Santana loves someone else, even though I mean, obviously she doesn’t, but she has to act like she does in order to be on top, like Tyra wants everyone to be. You gotta be on top. You know the song.
+
5.
…that we’re going to sing at Regionals.”
And by the way we’re going to win it all in front of everybody and that could have been me and you up there in front of everybody singing “Like the Way I Do” but alas, you’ll have to watch me sing with Trouty lips!!
It’s shitty to have all your feelings out there like that, to put them out there and let someone else decide what to do with them. You’ve got to get that shit BACK. And that’s what Santana is doing. Here’s hoping that they’ll work their shit out in a month — in song! And also naked.
Brittany, who probably also doesn’t know what season it is, is like, “wait, you’re still dating Sam? But you told me you were in love with me.” Brittany wants it back, that love, or maybe she wants Santana to admit she’s no more ready to leave Sam than Brittany is to leave Artie (which is untrue), or maybe she realizes being in love with each other and loving their boyfriends are mutually exclusive and she should leave Artie and his sweater vests behind in JC Penny and jet off into the future , which I imagine to be like Candyland, but rated NC-17 and with no boys.
Santana icily replies, lying clearly to save face: “I honestly don’t know what I was thinking. Look, can you stop staring at me? I can’t remember my locker combo.” That last part I think is because when someone stands that close to you, you can totally smell them and that makes you want to crawl inside them forever and ever.
Then Sue Sylvester arrives, calls them “Tweedle-dumb” and “Tweedle-fake-boobs,” says crazy things about them leaving Cheerios for Glee, and then as she departs, they open their lockers and piles of dirt pour out upon them, thanks Sue!
Brittany: “I don’t even remember putting that in there.”
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YAY RECAP.
YAY GAY!
Boo on not so much Brittana, but I like your breakdown of Santana’s return to bitchdom. I was really disappointed with Quinn’s character rewind until her speech about how Rachel will leave and be something, while Q only expects to stay and become a real-estate agent and marry Finn…Heartbreaking and realistic.
And nice video at the end! Love how Naya is all “Woo yeah Brittana!” and whathisface is all “wafflewafflewaffle”.
I think Kathy Griffin’s character was supposed to be more Christine O’Donnel than Sarah Palin.
And UGH I can’t believe we have to wait four weeks for more Glee.
“I am not a witch” I thought that would give it away…
Yeah, I keep getting confused when people call her Sarah Palin. Um, no?
So, basically, Naya Rivera’s great idea for Britanna’s future is pregnant lesbian spin-off? I hope there’s someway to copyright that shit before IFC gets her dirty hands on some of that.
Also, comments on Santana’s favorite song? She should try to be more subtle about these things..
more than a little disappointed with how quinn’s character has pretty much switched back all the way to season one- but let’s face it, i couldn’t have been the only one incredibly happy about dianna agron speaking for extended lengths of time. i’m just saying.
blaine/kurt! santana’s feelings! finn’s confused facial expressions! this has definitely been a quality episode.
Dianna Agron’s voice makes me tingly.
she perpetually sounds as though she’s just finished a wild round of sunday morning sex. if we were all in “but i’m a cheerleader,” her voice in this episode would have been what prompted me to get up and scream I’M A HOMOSEXUAL to everyone in our little queer circle.
yes to this
That is a very apt description…I tried to think of my own but only got as far as UNF.
seriously I have a thing for certain voices and Dianna Agron’s IS IT.
There was this brief period of time after she had finished filming “I am Number Four ” and was dating Alex Pettyfer where she had started picking up on his British accent. After listening to her speak in a semi-British accent, I think I was close to needing a change of pants.
if you have video/audio of this, i will be forever indebted to your service. also seconding the need of new pants, but it’s dianna agron, so we all can’t help but be in the same boat there.
I hate glee right now, for reminding me how much I freaking want to be kissing someone right now.
agreed.
Is no one else wondering if New Directions is going to find out that they may have only beat the Warblers because they seemed so gay to Kathy Griffin? That sounds like an awesome/sad conversation to me.
Also, thanks for these recaps, because not only do I not know anyone who watches it, but on the contrary I have several friends who make fun of me on a regular basis. They have no souls, resultantly.
I expected to cringe through the original songs, but they were all pretty funny and well done. I also love when Kurt stands up and screams during Loser Like Me. So cute!
i know, i was like ew gross original songs but they were fun! lea’s ballad to me sounds a lot like this one britney spears song that i can’t put my fingers on. anyhow it was solid pop music, and I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD
“Everytime”?
That’s what it reminded me of anyway. And I was so very confused at how much I didn’t hate the original songs. I had all kinds of insults lined up :(
Brittany’s line about the dirt in her locker was hilarious.
Haha yes! That’s the Brittany I love.
“Except one of them was in the UK, where everyone is drunk and a communist and happier than we are, so you know.”
Except for the drunk part, totally. xD
I actually felt that quote was a pretty damn perfect analysis of our culture :)
Is Mercedes the Kit of Glee? Has she said “baby girl” yet?? Maybe she’s Kit’s niece or long lost daughter she abandoned when she was getting shit faced and high and at some point Kit will show up and then Mercedes will go visit her auntie Bette on her new show in Chicago during sweeps. And while she’s there Bette, in her new position as police chief, will finally solve the mystery of who killed Jenny and somehow Shane will hook up with Santana. Cause if Puck can fuck some MILF’s then Shane/Santana shouldn’t be so weird/illegal.
Why is this not on my TV?!
SO APT.
We need a Kit/Mercedes mashup.
Riese has a priceless talent for writing things that I love to read. That is all.
Trouty Mouth was the best thing to happen all episode. I wish they let her sing the new verses she wrote afterwards. :(
Trouty Mouth was definitely a highlight, damn that was a hilarious song
I think I heard a rumor Trouty Mouth is on iTunes? Therefore it might have the extra verses…
the reason brittany sells it in every number is because heather morris is a dancer and used to dance back-up for Beyonce in her Single Lady Tour…which in my opinion makes her THAT much hotter!! =)
During the Sectionals episode all I could think about was how *ahem* flexible *ahem* she was.
yeah i know, that’s why i was pointing out her superiority. i feel like i didn’t pay any attention to the dancers besides mike chang or whatever until i found out that heather morris was a real dancer and now i’m trailing her with my eyes every scene
Yeah, I’ve found myself watching HeMo’s every move too. It’s like she can’t NOT go all out and just give in to the music, it’s intoxicating.
And even though Brittany didn’t get to sing to Santana this week, when they come back from break maybe she’ll sing “Someday We’ll Be Together” by Ms. Ross and the Supremes. The lyrics seem apt for the situation:
Long time ago
Now, now sweet thing
I made a big mistake, honey (oh, baby)
I (say it) said, I said goodbye
Oh, oh baby
Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever since that day
Now, now all I, all I wanna do is cry, cry, cry
Hey, hey, hey (oh, dear honey)
I long for you every, every night
Just to kiss your sweet, sweet lips, baby
Hold you ever, ever so tight
And I wanna say (say it)
Someday we’ll be together
Yeah I’m a Motown fan, so sue me :0)
Somebody needs to make an invention that lets us go into riese’s mind, I seriously want to visit her vision of the future.
*version. I obviously need to work on my self-checking…
Although I have to also say that I’m disappointed by Santana’s line about Artie. I agree that it’s a pretty accurate thing for a high schooler with a lot of hurt feelings to say, but it makes me sad that the past few episodes have been so (SO SO!!1!) good with queer visibility, but this episode also gave us a nasty slur about the sole character with disabilities and yet more references to both Mercedes and Lauren being fat. If the show had, overall, done a better job portraying disabilities, then I wouldn’t find the line nearly upsetting. Oh Glee, so close and yet so far, as always.
Glee is a good reminder that just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you’re incapable of writing problematic shit about gender, race, disability, etc.
riese!
i think we need to start the “Loretta Devine outshines the sun and everyone else in any scene she’s in” club.
me and my bro like gagged when she popped up.
Also, YESSSS and thank you. So now they have a plusser sized girl on Glee and Mercedes gets to play back up black girl to the rest of the cast.
shit is wak!
no fair! and that song shoulda just been called “Hell to the No I ain’t singing this unless you get Jill Scott in here to write me some damn lyrics.”
girl, i wanna hug you for this recap.
My dream is that the theme song to ANTM is a hit single and that whenever it comes on everybody does crazy fierce model walks all over the place so that clubs will look like my living room does when I watch ANTM marathons on oxygen.
I hate to nitpick but the expression is wheat from the *chaff*, chaff being bits of straw and wheat kernel shells and things that you have to separate from the wheat kernel before you can grind it into flour. Yes, I am both a hick and a grammar nazi.
Thanks for this, it was bugging me too. I think I learned about chaff from reading Laura Ingalls Wilder books when I was a kid.
this actually caught my eye too; i’m glad i’m not the only one who noticed!
last comment: …their bookbags? i like them. but geesh, the glee writers are hell bent on making brit/santans look like 1995
Were you a psych major or something? But I love your breakdown and all your recaps. They’re hilarious!
Rachel needs to get over Finn.
Naya Rivera needs to always be singing.
Heather Morris needs to always be dancing.
Also:
“Never make yourself vulnerable. One must keep the upper hand, one must have complete control, one must relish in the power of being the one less in love. Failing all that, one must at least APPEAR to have the upper hand/control/be less in love.”
Riese I feel like maybe you were living in my head in high school, jussayin.
Your play by play analysis of the Brittany and Santana conversation was perfection. I love these recaps.
I was in a viola lesson when you posted this.
1st song stuck in my head of the day:
“you wanna be on top?
tan tan tan tan-tan tan tan tan tan-tan
naaa-na na na naa na
naaa-na na na naa na
you wanna be on top?”
This is lol. It is also stuck in my head now, too.
The Klaine kiss was pretty much the hottest kiss I’ve ever seen on television, ever. Ever ever ever. I still can’t believe how legit it was and not like “aww yay *peck*”
Fantastic recap as always, thank you riese.
I couldn’t have been happier for Kurt and Blaine. i just hope the writers don’t screw that one up.
Quinn may be a snotty bit&*, but she is right. Rachel is too big for that “settle down” life.
And I am totally over the Lauren/Puck thing. Boring. Move on.
Hey Riese,
So you know, Lea Michele…her and Dianna Agron? Any knowledge/thoughts on the subject? Sharing is caring.
This only just aired in NZ. I was so happy, I squealed. My entirely family was in shock, it was hilarious. To quote my little sister: “Boys are KISSING?! Why are boys KISSING?” I just told her they were in love, and she was like, oh, I get it, and kept watching. I love my little sister.
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Haha whoever u r, I think I love u! ;) that was the most fabulous recap ever! Haha. Especially the Santana/Brittany bit! <3