Then Fake Quinn traps New Puck in the hallway and says she’ll ride his hobby horse if he takes her to the dance instead of Marley-Kate.
Much like Real Quinn, Fake Quinn’s discarded her Christly ways in favor of feeding her hungry clam, but New Puck’s not quite sure where to hide his salami. He’ll have to think about it.
Cut to another day or year or hour in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, where Tina’s apologizing to Blaine for asking him to the dance because she forgot that apparently, “the whole reason” Blaine transferred to Dalton was not, in fact, to be with Kurt Hummel, as the man himself has stated and re-stated several times this season alone, but because he was “bullied” at a Sadie Hawkins Dance. How, precisely, an all-boys school pulled off a Sadie Hawkins dance is beguiling, but regardless it seems Tina’s latched onto this as the cause of her cold rejection rather than, you know, Blaine being gay and all.
Tina also suggests that Blaine owes her an apology for embarrassing her in front of Glee Club but Blaine offers no such apology, admitting only that her rejection was unrelated to Sadie Hawkins PTSD.
Blaine: “Thank you Tina, but that’s not why I can’t go to the dance with you.”
Tina: “Then what is the reason?”
Blaine: “I can’t tell you that, it’s too embarrassing.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d, I won’t tell anyone!”
Blaine: “I have a crush on somebody, and I don’t want to go to a dance where everyone’s gonna be romantic there but me.”
Tina: “Who? Who is it?”
Blaine: “It’s a guy and he’s straight and he doesn’t know that I — that I like him.”
Tina: “I swear to G-d I won’t tell anyone.”
Blaine: “I’m not some predatory gay, so… nothing’s gonna happen — ”
Tina: “Who is it? Tell me Blaine you can trust me!”
Blaine: “It’s Sam. It’s so stupid.”
Tina: “It’s not stupid. I know what it’s like to have a crush on someone who’s never gonna love you back.”
Blaine: “I know it’s all just a fantasy. I mean, I’m proud of our relationship, I’m proud the gay guy can be friends with the straight guy. I’m proud of showing the school that, I just don’t wanna jeapordize our friendship, you know?”
Tina: “Blaine, you miss Kurt. You need someplace to put your love, right?”
Blaine: “I guess.”
Tina: “And then there are those lips.”
Blaine: “Yes, those lips. Those lips. And when he does all those impressions.”
Tina: “It’s pure crushable crack.”
Real talk: I hate Sam’s impressions. They’re all the same and remind me of Dave Coulier. But Blaine and Tina Cohen-Chang’s bonding over the Sam Crush is surprisingly semi-adorable.
Tina: “Okay here is what we’re gonna do about your very human and moving dilemma. We are going to the Sadie Hawkins dance together, we’ll go as best friends, and we’re gonna have the most fun night ever. Okay?”
omg something just occurred to me — what if Sam cheated on Brit-Brit with Blaine? I mean, he seems like an open-minded guy. Now that would be interesting. Or um, Tina Cohen-Chang could have a crush on a gay guy and Sam could date Brit-Brit and I could run into traffic. Let’s do that!
Cut to Limabucks, where Old Man Puckerman and New Puck are chatting about New Puck’s very human and normal pressing male dilemma: should he go out with Marley-Kate, his super-cute crush who’s got the personality of a paper plate, or should he go out with Fake Quinn, his ex-something who’s got the personality of a paper cut and will definitely wanna peel New Puck’s banana after Sadie gets her Hawk on, if you know what I’m saying.
Old Man Puckerman, dealing exclusively in baseball metaphors, informs Jake that getting on base is all that matters and if he digs Marley-Kate, he should dance his ass off with her at the Sadie Hawkins Dance, not Fake Quinn.
Puck: “I had every flavor of Cheerio you can imagine. Original, Honey Nut. Did it really mean anything?”
We then soar mightily across the dull mideastern roadscape and land down in New York, New York, where The New Rachel’s blathering about how if Kurt got a boyf, they could go on double-dates, which’d be super fun / make her less of a shitty friend.
Kurt admits he’s got his eye on Adam The English Faun, and thusly we starsweep to a mini-montage of Kurt/Adam The English Faun’s literary encounters at various locations around Fake Julliard, which’s mainly, it seems, a ballet school.
In one such flashback, Kurt’s practicing how to plie in jeggings when The English Faun pops in to complement him on how he pops and locks it:
Adam The English Faun: “Hey, Kurt. Nice plié.”
Kurt: [startled] “Oh, hi again!” [fumbling] “Uh no, my ex-boyfriend was more of the dancer in our relationship.”
Adam The English Faun: “Let’s try this again. Hey Kurt, nice plié!”
Kurt: “Thank you.”
Adam The English Faun: “You’re welcome.”
It’s cute. Kurt tells The New Rachel that Adam is “22, sophisticated, handsome, there’s no way he wants to be with me.” The New Rachel, drunk on life, exudes:
The New Rachel: “…I think it’s really time for you to put yourself out there, you know? If this guy doesn’t wanna ask you out, then you ask HIM out. I promise you it’s worth the risk. There’s nothing like being in love in New York!”
Kurt: “Love? Already?
The New Rachel: “What can I say? Things move fast here. It’s not like high school.”
Kurt: “Says the girl who almost got married before graduation!”
The New Rachel: “Seize the moment! Do it! It’ll be worth it!”
We then pile aboard the musty-aired Polar Express for an arduous journey back to Lovely Lima, Ohio, home to three of the remaining five Kewpee Hamburgers locations, where Old Man Puckerman is hanging out at the high school, hitting on young girls.
After giving a subliminal shout-out to the defunct West Village lesbian nightclub Meow Mix by informing Fake Quinn that his brother isn’t interested in her “Skanky Meow Mix,” Old Man Puckerman lays it on thick like really thick butter or frosting or cold cream:
Old Man Puckerman: “I understand the Puckerman must is impossible for chicks to resist. We’re like chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven — sure, you know we’re not good for you, but one whiff of our fresh-baked goodness and the next thing you know, you’re lying in bed covered in crumbs, crying.”
Right, so Old Man Puckerman says if Meow Mix likes New Puck, she’ll lay off, and she says she doesn’t like him, she’s just a bitch who likes to get what she wants, and he says it’s not gonna happen.
So, Meow Mix asks Old Man Puckerman to the Sadie Hawkins Dance:
Meow Mix: “It’s depressing that you hang around school, but luckily you’re just hot enough to pull it off. I assume vintage Puckerman is just as tasty.”
Meow Mix says her dates are always underwear-optional.
