Early on in our relationship I promised my girlfriend Marni that although my career choice of Professional Lesbian was unlikely to bestow great riches upon us any time soon, she’d at least get a few free vacations out of it. Unfortunately, the onset of our relationship seemed to correspond precisely with a tightening-of-the-purse-strings amongst lesbian travel/event companies that previously had been relatively generous with their press passes and accommodations. Needless to say, we were all surprised when it was her job, and not mine, that landed us in Honolulu this February, with a meal allowance and everything!
I’m a big overplanner when it comes to vacations but Marni is pretty much down for “whatever” as long as it doesn’t involve olives or walking up a hill. I’m not even remotely easygoing and require advance preparation for all activities (such as proper footwear and adequate budgeting). So needless to say I had five days of packing anxiety and had carefully marked up several maps of Hawaii in anticipation of our arrival.
“You have to embrace the Aloha Spirit,” Marni reminded me on our first day as we lay on a beautiful beach while I was trying not to think about whether or not we should make dinner reservations within the next 25 minutes. I pointed out that arguably she embraces the Aloha spirit every day of her life, and thought to myself that it’s possibly this attitude that enables her to tolerate my neurotic existence and, you know, be in love with me and stuff. Obviously embracing the Aloha Spirit would be a Character-Building Experience, which I also consider to be a time maximizer.
Needless to say there were a few situations that attempted to demolish my Aloha Spirit — but they did not succeed.
(Sidenote: This is supposed to be a normal travel article but obviously I can’t pull off a normal travel article because I like reading about history too much.)
Friday – Traveling & Beaching & Eating
Outrigger Reef, via visualitineraries.com
Marni’s employer was putting her up at the Outrigger Reef On the Beach, one of three Outrigger hotels within a ten minute radius of one another. This is really confusing if, for example, your itinerary includes dinner at the wrong Outrigger hotel. The Outrigger Reef is located smack-dab in the nexis of Tourist Central, which means everything is really expensive and heterosexual.
Because Marni had picked a crack-of-dawn flight, our room wasn’t ready when we arrived in Hawaii so we charged down the beach in our airplane clothes in search of nourishment, and eventually plopped down at The Edge (at The Sheraton, 2255 Kalakaua Avenue) where we had a super-cute dyke waitress (unfortunately this was not a beacon of future cute lesbians to come) and a sandwich I couldn’t eat because it was super-gross and I am super-weird.
Hawaii’s got these ABC Stores everywhere which are basically for tourists to load up on macadamia nuts and overpriced toothpaste. They also sell alcohol for the low low price of your left arm, your first-born child and a pint of blood. Thus we spent the next few hours on a magical journey deep into less hyper-sanitized parts of Honolulu in search of inexpensive alcohol, suntan lotion, and moleskin for the blisters I acquired during said magical journey.
Here’s the thing I learned quickly about Waikiki: it’s the most expensive place I’ve ever been in my life. And I lived in New York City for six years and currently live in The Bay Area. So.
After getting our room, we managed to sneak in an hour or so of Beach before sunset. Waikiki Beach is crowded but it’s also the backyard of our hotel. It’s just so fucking beautiful there, even with all the tourists everywhere. Every twenty minutes or so it would rain — it never got dark, there were just these little windows of sprinkling misty rain, cutting through the sun like something on its way somewhere else.
Waikiki Beach via shutterstock
Later that night we got lost three times looking for the highly-recommended Duke’s Waikiki (2335 Kalakaua Ave), which turned out to be hiding inside another Outrigger Hotel, several blocks down on a street crowded with tourists, fancy hotels and luxury shopping like Tiffany’s and Versace. We’d called for reservations but they were booked and recommended coming in anyhow, the wait would only be 30 minutes or so. It was 90 minutes. (Always make dinner reservations in Hawaii!)
Across the street was the International Marketplace, a cornicopia of booths schilling various tourist-friendly wares, like pearls and Aloha shirts, stores with names like Rainbow Gift Shop, Sunshine Fashions & Gifts and Island Gift Outlet. We dipped inside an outdoor bar/restaurant with decor reminiscent of a Disney ride that’s fallen out of favor, where a friendly waitress plied us with Mai Tais and peanut-butter-stuffed pretzels at the tiny bar. It was called Tiki’s (2330 Kalakaua Ave // Honolulu). About twenty minutes after our arrival, a bunch of straight guys showed up to shamelessly flirt with the waitress and talk loudly about sports, television and women, at which point we figured our table was probably ready, paid the bill, and fled the premises.
photo of Tiki Town Exterior via Bert M. via yelp
Duke’s was recommended by TripAdvisor, Yelp and everything else on the internet and so it seemed like a good choice and it was, if an outrageously expensive one. I had a super-buttery “Mac Nut & Herb-Crusted Tilapia” and Marni liked her Sirloin. The restaurant’s aggressive surfer-kitsch was, allegedly, intended to reflect the spirit of the restaurant’s namesake, Duke Paoa Kahanamoku. Simply based on my knowledge of interactions between white people and brown people throughout history, I was 95% sure before even looking it up that this restaurant somehow involved white people exploiting brown people and that it was unlikely Duke has a hand in “Duke’s Famous Salad Bar.” Which brings us to…
History Break #1: The Story of Duke Paoa Kahanamoku
Duke Kahanamoku
Duke Paoa Kahanamoku, descendent of Hawaiian royalty and the man Duke’s restaurant is named after, was only three years old when 129 white Americans decided to execute a charge on his people’s kingdom to better exploit natives and improve their fortunes in the region. For twenty years, the “Father of International Surfing” represented the United States in the Olympics, winning gold medals for swimming while spreading surfing’s gospel worldwide. He moved to Hollywood in the 20’s and appeared in over 30 movies and, while living in Newport Beach, executed the “most superhuman surfer rescue act the world has ever seen” when he rescued eight fishermen from a capsized fishing vessel in heavy surf. He then served in various government positions and became the states Official Ambassador of Aloha before his death in 1968.
Steve Pezman, publisher of Surfer’s Journal Magazine,said the following about Duke to Honolulu Magazine: “He traveled the world and introduced that concept to other cultures. He was in many ways pure of heart—a very simple, loving person who had this huge bunch of charisma that became commodified by everyone around him.”
Of course, the story of how Duke’s name ended up on this restaurant is complicated. In 1962, along with Honolulu DJ Kimo McVay, Duke opened Duke Kahanamoku’s Restaurant and Nightclub (they hired Don Ho as the entertainer) and trademarked his name in hopes of preventing others from capitalizing on it. But in 1973, his widow Nadine Alexander sold the name to a swimwear company in California who eventually would go bankrupt before utilizing the trademark and sell the trademark to a man named Charlie Carr in 1993. In 1986, Nadine gave the trademark to the Outrigger Canoe Club to develop a nonprofit in Duke’s name. The Outrigger Canoe Club was where Nadine, who Duke met in California, felt most comfortable on the island, even though her husband was one of the only Hawaiians granted membership back then due to its race-based exclusionary policy. When Carr came on the scene in 1993, Outrigger sued him for ownership of the trademark, claiming it had been “abandoned” by its prior owners.
The charitable foundation established in his name, overseen by a board that’s two-thirds Outrigger Canoe Club members, has given scholarships to its wealthy members’ children and gives its largest grant to the Outrigger Canoe Club’s yearly canoe regatta. They also granted permission to TS Restaurants to open a restaurant using Duke’s name in Kaua’i and Waikiki. Carr continued battling Outrigger for the rights to Duke’s name, a conflict which bears “an undercurrent of long-standing ethnic tension.”
For some reason none of this information was available in the menu?
photos via dukeswaikiki.com
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I just got back from Hawaii 2 weeks ago so I thoroughly enjoyed this article. Although we were there for 2 weeks and I cried when we had to leave, so kudos to you for successfully handling such a short trip (emotionally that is).
This article doesn’t help my desire to go to Hawaii ASAP. Ya’ll look so cute/relaxed/adorable. I appreciated the historical details because it’s really important to note the history of imperialism with Hawaii & how it has enabled a tourism culture that got you there in the first place! Whenever I think of how Hawaii became a US state, I get so angry.
Also I think it’s worth noting how fucking expensive Hawaii is. The only place I’ve been to that’s more expensive than Waikiki is London & I’m pretty sure that’s because of the whole $ to £ thing.
I literally Lol’d at the “Low low price of your left arm and first born child” line. I would eventually like to travel to Hawaii, but it’s definitely important to note that doing so would be a pricey vacation. Thanks for the insider tips and the history. It sounds like you and Marni had fun.
As someone who was born and raised in Hawai‘i, I thoroughly enjoyed this! You seemed to capture the tourist Hawai‘i while still being conscious of the fucked up happenings that made Hawai‘i the way it is.
I also fucking loved your conclusion and have so many words that I want to say about occupied Hawai‘i but will leave it at that.
Glad you enjoyed your vacation!
i think it was captain james cook, not john cook who showed up in 1778 and began fucking shit up (just cause i’m from new zealand and he did the same here).
Yeah, it was Jimbo.
fixed! sorry, i don’t really know why i typed “john”, i feel like i know a poem about captain cook from “unreal banana peel”
I really, really liked this. I wish all travel blogs were peppered with historical facts.
great article, really enjoyed reading about hawaii! just a sidenote – i think it was captain james cook, not john cook who showed up in 1778 and began fucking shit up (just cause i’m from new zealand and he did the same here).
I have a lot of Hawai’i feelings. My wife and I were married on the North Shore! Also my wife was born in Honolulu in the same hospital as Barack Obama, true story.
I would highly recommend staying on the North Shore of O’ahu if you can. It’s not as developed and is really laid back. There aren’t any big resorts up there, so you’ll have to stay at a youth hostel or somewhere off of a site like airbnb or VRBO, but that’s pretty much how we roll most of the time anyway.
I went to Hawai’i a couple years ago and as someone who is not a beach or sun person, the main high points were getting really drunk with my cousin and seeing where Captain Cook died.
But if you want to know more about the overthrow and what lead up to it, I would totally recommend Sarah Vowell’s “Unfamiliar Fishes.”
please get some bubble wrap and fashion yourself some protective vacation clothing. and take a bike helmet or something.
Thank you! this was awesome
As a Native Hawaiian, you did right by me, Riese. When I saw this article title, I thought pleasepleaseplease don’t be another colonial take on my homeland. I don’t think I could handle that kind of heartache from my beloved AS.
The reality of our continued occupation by the U.S. is so deeply hurtful, it’s often reinjuring to have to constantly educate people about our history. The version you shared here is authentically represented, and I hope anyone who’s interested will take the time to learn more and raise awareness by sharing with others.
Me ka mahalo nui.
thank you!! i hope people will read/learn more too, i definitely will!
This article was very educational for me both to refresh/ learn the history of the islands and to see a visitor’s experience. Thank you!
I have to ask though, because I became much more aware of this when I went to the mainland for college, when you say your boot felt like a slipper do you mean a rubber slipper (aka flip-flop) or fuzzy slippers?
i mean like a fuzzy slipper, like i was basically just wearing socks because i could feel the ground on my feet as if i was walking in only socks
This hits so many right notes for me; my travel mates have come to terms with how my feet will simply keep detouring into museums or book stores.
On a side note, I do recommend Sarah Vowel’s Unfamiliar Fishes for a read about Hawaiian history- her writing blends a great mix of dark humour and information~
This article was amazing! I have never been to Hawaii, but i love traveling to new places and discovering their history. I don’t know anything about Hawaiian history and you have inspired me to spend the next hour on wiki learning about it:-)
I’ve lived in Honolulu for two years. You can definetly spend a lot of dollhairs here. Rent is ridiculously high here but it’s beautiful here what’s a kid to do.
Thoroughly enjoyed this article after recently returning from a trip to Hawaii. Funny that everyone thinks it is so expensive … being Australian we were floored by how cheap everything was. We could not believe that a cinema ticket was $1.75! Australians are flocking to Hawaii as an affordable holiday destination, hard to believe that it’s so pricey for some.
I had the same feelings when I went to Tokyo. Basically living in Sydney has ruined my ability to understand how much things should cost.
$1.75 Australian?! WOW I need to go to Hawaii… the return ticket included would be cheaper than IMAX 3D here. Well you know, figuratively speaking.
Apologies, Riese. The gay scene here is very small and disjointed, for whatever reason. Legislation is attempting to create bits of sovereign Hawaii but there’s also 18 billion Hawaiian groups all claiming to be/have the rightful ruler of Hawaii and filled with their own share of not-so-great people that it might take a long time for everything to be sorted out.
Full agreement about the bus award being for the rainbow on the side. It’s my least favorite version of transport.
Born and raised in Hawaii, glad you enjoyed yourself!! Living here, I tend to lose sight of everything that makes Hawaii awesome sometimes. Seeing a vacationers perspective makes remembering a little easier. Also, kudos on taking time to learn Hawaiian history.
Next time you come out tell somebody! Discounts, discounts everywhere… This is why we shake the lesbian phone tree.
I think we need a Queer Girl City Guide for Honolulu. What do you think?
I’ve been trying to figure one out for us, but with Downetowne done and everything mostly gay men, I can’t figure out where the new lesbian hotspots are for me to even begin writing it.
Maui?
Travelling to Hawaii late May – some ideas of best places to visit would be awesome.
this was so good! i’d recommend sarah vowell’s unfamiliar fishes for anyone looking for more details on hawaii’s history. it’s a great (albeit condensed) historical primer peppered with the author’s own experiences traveling the islands.
i would be remiss if i did not include:
mahalo, motherfucker.
hiki no, haole. (love ya stef!) [also also that’s not what the hawaiian says just fyi.]
Hey, thanks for this. Planning to do a whole australia/NZ adventure next year and this makes me really want to add in a stop in Hawaii too!
I’m also a big fan of learning the history of the places I visit and this article definitely made me want to know more. For anyone else that’s interested I went looking after I read this and found this documentary on youtube called Hawaii’s Last Queen http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuKLYVLJya4 .
I’m travelling to Hawaii in May 2014 ..and have no idea where to stay and what to do…I’m not a really highrise on beaches kind of person. But I know a lot of other parts of Hawaii are awesome…need some help figuring those places out.