I originally set out on a mission to prove to the world (you, Autostraddle reader) that gender is in fact not binary and marketing departments don’t have to be so gender-obsessed when they curate holiday gift guides. I thought I would galvanize Big Marketing into releasing lists of dope gifts without once mentioning the gender of its intended recipient. I fear I may have done the opposite.
After wading through over 20 list guides designed for women this holiday season, I came to a disappointing conclusion: I don’t want any of that shit. They may as well have been called “72 Things to Gift Your Female So She’ll Forget You Liked That One Girl’s Beach Selfie in August,” “45 Ways to Use Consumerism to Get Laid this Christmas,” or “60 Gifts to Make Sure Your Girl Looks like All of Your Bros’ Girls in 2024.” Seriously, are women even contributing to these lists or is it just men rubbing their greedy paws together, scheming the new model of Girlfriend for the next year to come?
If this endeavor accomplished anything, it was affirming my gender as a trans dude and reminding me to noodle a little longer on what I’m doing about that fact (I’m busy, okay!?). I spent hours scouring these lists — most of which were the same items over and over again — and had a very hard time finding things I’d actually want. This was the case for me when I was a girl; every year my mom or a boyfriend would ask what I wanted, and every year I’d close my eyes and throw a dart at one of these lists.
I was always bad at being a girl but now, with inflation, fast fashion, and heightened capitalism…I am so glad I figured out I was trans years ago. I’d be cozied up on Long Island with a ring on my finger, a baby in my belly, 14 matcha whisks, and a seltzer maker to boot.
Despite all this, I managed to pick out 10 items I actually would want from the many women’s gift guides of 2023. Enjoy!
CE CRAFT Smells Like Travis Kelce Candle ($22)
Listen, I know who this candle is marketed for. My argument here is why wouldn’t I want my home to smell like a 6”5 well-groomed NFL player the entire world is obsessed with right now?
Cloud Slippers ($24)
I’m going to be so honest: I happen to know a guy who owns these, and he’s really cool. So I figured if I got them, I’d also be really cool.
Dagne Dover Toiletry Bag ($65)
My current toiletry situation is kind of just throw-my-face-wash-in-my-Carhartt-backpack so really, anything other than that would be great. Plus, my girlfriend thinks this is sexy.
Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Wiz Pencil ($25)
Until I start testosterone, I’m going to have to get creative with how I take my eyebrows to Michael Imperioli-level bushy. Full disclosure: When I was a teenage girl, I used to get my eyebrows waxed at Anastasia’s in New Jersey.
Quince Carry-On Hardshell Suitcase ($130)
I feel like it’s obvious that hardshell suitcases are for guys and softshell suitcases are for girls. Who do I call about this?
TUSHY Classic 3.0 ($99)
I’m getting top surgery at the end of January, and my girlfriend and I aren’t quite at the “Wipe My Ass For Me” level of our relationship.
POW Wonder Matcha ($35)
Now, I did my due diligence and went through all of the men’s gift guides, and not one had psychedelics included. Instead, they had more manly drugs like an 8-ball of cocaine and a case of Whipits.
Williams Sonoma Le Creuset Fondue Pot ($380)
The only text accompanying this one was “Girl Dinner!” which feels like a huge missed opportunity to pander to the fantasy football jocks and game night nerds who will undoubtedly be serving queso every Wednesday night.
Theragun Mini ($160)
Going to use this bad boy when I strain my muscles doing MAN things like baking all day long and doing multiple loads of laundry in NYC. And not…for…anything…else.
LEGO Icons Orchid ($40)
Finally, a LEGO set for girls!