FRIDAY OPEN THREAD: Let’s Do The Limbo

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tea party (just image)

image by rory midhani

Hi bumblebees! Welcome to this Friday’s Open Thread. A place for feelings and GIFs and selfies and whatever it looks like from where you are right this minute.

This week, and for the next little while, I’m at my parents’ house and my little (not actually that little any more) brother is visiting from Australia for a few weeks and so far we’re inexplicably getting along and I’m treading so lightly but for now it’s weirdly wonderful? My family is better when we’re all adults and being respectful and having food and a beer together I guess.

I’m at my parents’ because I’m currently in the middle of trying to immigrate to the US and also trying to marry my ladyfiancé and even though those things are happening pretty soon, they still feel really far off. I moved here at the end of March, and the earliest I’ll be able to move to Los Angeles, where she lives and where the apartment that is half mine is, and where we hope to have a life together, will be mid-August.

Waiting until I can move (and there’s a big if involved that I’m trying to ignore, it’s fine it’s totally fine) feels like waiting for my life to restart. I’m not living in any city I’ve felt like is mine. I know very few people around me. I’m here to save money, so I’m working all the time and not really leaving the house or talking to anyone very much. I’m waiting for this thing I have no control over and I’m excited about it and fearful something will go wrong and I’m trying to think about other things but also this is all I can think about.

I’ve felt like this before. But it’s never made me feel this powerless.

how do you make this thing go forward

how do you make this thing go forward

To deal with it, I’m trying to be more mindful of myself and my body, and to appreciate the time with my family because I won’t be able to come back for a while. And I’m drinking a lot of tea and journaling and I bought these meditation herbal cigarettes/incense sticks the other day and I’m trying to read more and I just learned about Neko Atsume and I’m getting super into Twitter and I’m trying to figure out the details of my move and I haven’t started Orange Is the New Black yet and LOOK AT HOW CHILL I’M BEING.

Anyway hi. What have you had to be in limbo for? What are you waiting for right now? How did you deal with it? Also distract me please! I wanna hear all about your life right now. What happenings are happening? What feelings are you feeling? Are you still mad about Jurassic World? Have you ever heard of “courtesy pants” and if so who are you wearing them for? Who are you smoochin’? How’s your cat doing? What about your garden? LET ME LIVE THROUGH YOU.

we are the best part of the movie (via geek.com)

we are the best part of the movie (via geek.com)

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.

159 Comments

  1. carolyn i am waiting for so many things but most of all i am waiting for us to have brunch in a very warm place together

    also, i am here sending you love re: the if! and crossing my fingers until they, um, break? this started off less weird than it sounds now.

    • no it’s not weird it’s perfect

      also carmen I am so excited for our prospective brunch dates, I hope you know.

  2. hi carolyn i am waiting to move to michigan at the end of july and for everything to be packed and on its way there that is what i am waiting for and also to go to disneyland

    • oh my gosh the end of july really for real?? How far in advance do you have to pack/send things? I am also moving ld, have no idea how it works for people who aren’t ambitiously maybe trying a carry-on route.

      also I wanna hear all about disneyland, I had never been before @shanito took me and it was magic

      • AMTRAK FRIEGHT! that’s how i got all of my shit out here and that’s how i’m sending it allllll to my mother. and then we’re selling all the super-valuable IKEA furniture so that we can go to DISNEY

  3. I am waiting for the washing machine to finish, for a-camp 7, for the rain, for my course to begin, and for words.

  4. Ahhh I feel this so much right now. I have four months left on my contract in Nicaragua, and then I head back to the U.S. I feel like I’m straddling two worlds, even more than usual, which is hard because I want to be engaged in my life here, but I also don’t want to be paralyzed by reverse culture shock when I get back to Texas. So I’m just trying to keep it together and dance around a lil bit.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BTjG-dhf5s

    • I’m finding the “be engaged with my life here” part super hard also! Do you know what you’re doing after your contract ends? Does knowing make it better or worse?

      Also listening to that song three times in a row now I guess it’s fine

      • I don’t! I’m going to be looking for jobs in journalism, nonprofits and other writing stuff. There’s a lot of *who knows* happening in my life right now. I am oddly at peace with not knowing, just feeling capable of crossing that bridge when I come to it. I think not having a clear timeline would freak me out more…sending you tons of luck and love that everything works out smoothly and speedily!!

        I am both sorry and not sorry for getting that song stuck in your head for the next 3 days to 7 years.

  5. Limbo feels like my life. It’s very frustrating; it makes me feel like I’m going backward. Recently I think my meds have kinda stopped working? Which worries me but it’s all I can figure is what’s happening. I don’t like it at all, and I feel stuck. I don’t really know what I want from life, I don’t know what I should be doing, I dint even know if my therapist is the right fit for me. I don’t have the amount of cool you seem to, Carolyn; if I have a down day, I am down. I try to remember my coping skills, but sometimes I just feel so powerless and hopeless.

    In other news, I got a haircut yesterday! It’s the shortest my hair has ever been. It’s so weird to feel nothing against my neck or on my head. It’s kinda my first alh ● u ● heeheehee. Maybe I’ll take a picture.

    I kinda wish I could go to New York for their pride this weekend haha. Ours isn’t until July :c I dunno why. I wanna be around queers im like half serious that I wanna open a queer bookstore. With cafe, of course, because I’m a sucker for fancy drinks. And cookies. I just really wanna hang out with more queers.

    • I am flattered you think I can be cool about anything ever.

      (Also it totally sucks when therapists don’t feel right but while you look for a new one you it might feel better to check in w/r/t your meds working. Like it’s probably better than the alternative.)

      Also also you should ABSOLUTELY take a picture of your haircut so everyone can see/tell you how awesome it is.

      • Heee.

        I’m gonna see my psychiatrist in a few days, so I can bring it up. It just sucks, because the meds were working; also I don’t know how to tell if me and my therapist click or not. :( and im scared of bringing it up to her.

        Haha, I put two pictures of it up here if anybody wants to see. It’s all poof.

  6. I’m waiting to get in the car tomorrow morning for a NYC roadtrip and I’m so ready.

    Are courtesy pants like when you wear pants to be nice to your neighbor or roommate? Because if so, I am generally horrible at courtesy pants. But I have become slightly better. Buying a house and having the same neighbors for a very long time makes you more concerned about offending your neighbors with your nudity choices.

    • I have never heard of courtesy pants, but if KaeLyn is right I am also pretty bad about it. There may or may not been a day when I was in my car about to drive to work when I realized I hadn’t put pants on yet and had to go back into the house and take care of it…

    • Yeah! Courtesy pants are the pants you have to wear when you’re around people you don’t have a close enough relationship to hang out in your underwear/pyjama shorts/whatever with. Sample contexts: long-term roommates: no courtesy pants. New friends you still want to impress: courtesy pants.

      • Thanks for the clarification. I am officially terrible at courtesy pants, and don’t feel bad about it.

      • I think for me it’s more like courtesy underwear. Like, will I wear underwear with this short dress? How much sitting will I be doing?

        • it felt like a really important moment in our cabin when courtesy pants stopped being a thing.

  7. I’m waiting for this workday to be over so I can get on an airplane and fly to Portland to look at apartments.

    I’m also waiting for next Thursday, which is my last day of work here in Dallas.

    Most of all, though, I’m waiting for two weeks from now, when I finally move to Portland and start my new job. It seems simultaneously too far away and much, much too close.

    • EVERYONE IS MOVING TO PORTLAND WHAT IS HAPPENING

      Also good luck w the apartment hunting! Two weeks is so much and so little time but you’re gonna be great

  8. I’m waiting for July 30, which is the last day of grad school, and August 6, when I move back to Houston.

    I went to the sole lesbian bar in Houston last weekend. I’m still scared to death to talk to anyone, and thank Nikki and Jamie for being so nice to me. God, how does everyone find dates? I’m still not out to myself fully, but was incredibly happy at the bar. So there’s that.

    • ALSO my company just updated its policies and now employees cannot be discriminated against or harassed based on sexual orientation!

    • Congratulations on your bar experience! coming out to yourself even a little can be one of the hardest parts. Also I promise it gets easier to fake being not afraid of talking to strangers with time.

      • Carolyn, you are the best. I must make it to A-Camp so I can meet you in person.

  10. I’m waiting for lots of fun Pride related and Autostraddle things tomorrow! I’m going to the Bluestockings thing and then Dyke March with my gal pal! I went to Dyke March/Dyke Shuffle last year too and it was amazing, and I’m sure if you told me last year that the following year I’d be there with a significant other I would have told you that you were nuts! :)

  11. I’m waiting for this work day to be over so I can scream about how excited I am about being able to get married. My co-workers are very nonplussed and I just wanna freak out. I’m so happy!

    I’m also waiting for my boss to email me back so I know what I’m supposed to do for the rest of the day. #InternLife

    I’m really looking forward to checking my Facebook after work and seeing how many likes I have on my posts about marriage because I am shallow and like getting attention on social media.

  12. I think I might make this the summer of Nikki travels the U.S. in search of a city to call her own. I’m very conflicted on where I want to go and what I want to do. I don’t want to make this a long post because I always do that here. SO. Life is up in the air for me and I’m not sure how I feel about it.

    Also, I’m cat sitting and house sitting this weekend so I’m looking forward to lounging with a cat.

    • You don’t need to make it a long post what what are your top picks for cities? Do you want the job to come first or the place?

      Obviously also share any and all cat pics please

  13. I’m in between teaching jobs this summer, and am waiting for the final paperwork and everything to be in place so that the new job is official.

    Also my brother is getting married in a few weeks (which is super wonderful) but, I’m also anxious about the family politics of my refusal to wear a dress. It’ll be a great day once it’s here, the anticipation has been intense than I excpected. I’m focusing on the excitement and doing my best to ignore the rest

    • Congrats on the new job!!

      Also I hope everything works out with your family, dress politics can feel like the worst

      • Thanks!

        Yes they can, my parents are still in the ‘maybe we can convince her to wear one’ faze with a big side of ‘what will people think’. I’ve decided that being comfortable and able to focus on celebrating my brother and his wife is what is most important

  14. My commitment to not go online today was derailed first thing this morning when I heard the Big Gay News. So I will continue to be in the limbo of ignoring all the problems in my life by chasing rainbow rabbits down Internet rabbit holes.

    • I know that feeling

      It’s really hard to not just respond exclusively with excited rainbow flag emoji right now for instance

  15. I’m in limbo in my job life. I currently work part time (evenings and weekends) and do a lot of freelancing. I’m trying to transition to a more steady, full time, M-F day job. So that’s my limbo right now.

    In other news, I took off work all weekend to pride. I think I missed dyke march last year due to work, but I’m going to go this year.

    Now I’m off to buy fruit to make a fruit salad!

    • How’s the work transition going so far? I’ve (luckily) never really had to go one way or the other but I’ve heard it can be really challenging to adjust.

  16. Oh man, I feel like every inch of my life is in limbo right now.

    My wife and I are getting ready to move across the country, but we don’t know if I’ll have a job yet and where we’re going to be staying. I may or may not be getting really good news OR really bad news from my current job. I JUST NEED ANSWERS, UNIVERSE.

    • That sounds like the worst! Do you have a timeline of when you’re going to find out or is it just the vague knowledge that something is coming sometime? In either case HUGS

  17. I’ve been waiting to move in with my fiancee for so long now! I wanted to move in with her when we graduated undergrad–she was going to law school, I was looking for a job–but she wasn’t out to her folks who were paying her brother’s half of the rent. They weren’t comfortable with their kids living with someone else (despite the fact that I’ve known my fiancee since we were 11).

    I couldn’t find anyone else I knew in the area to room with, which would have been necessary due to SOCIAL ANXIETY, and the Boston area is hella expensive, and I couldn’t find a job out there that paid me enough to live on my own and pay off school loans.

    So I moved in with my parents and lived in Western Mass during the week and in Boston on the weekends, basically. For three years. Now my fiancee is home (five minutes away), studying for the bar. But when her family is around it’s almost impossible to get alone time. She’s out now but her parents are so not down with it, so I have to vacate the premises if they’re around.

    She’s got a job in Connecticut that starts in late August/early September, so we’re moving in together SO. SOON. But the waiting just wears on me every damn day.

    • You must be counting down like WHOA. Luckily September is so soon! (I am also counting down to September so at least that’s what I’m telling myself.) I recommend secret shared future house tumblrs (also secret shared life plans/dreams tumblrs) as a way to make the wait for the move slightly more fun. Also also so many hugs or high fives, you must be so excited for how great things are about to get.

  18. I’m waiting for the day when everyone will be able to be their whole selves, all the time. I am waiting to start my new meds. I am waiting for the weekend. But most of all, I am eagerly awaiting the PLL RECAP

  19. hiiiiiiii kits and caboodles,

    I am waiting on bureaucratic paperwork to cycle through so I can get on insurance panels and see bunches of clients that way. And I’m having a wedding in like two months and there’s a billion tiny dumb things to do in between now and then and I am killing it with the feelings part and avoiding dealing with shit like tablescapes. Fuck tablescapes.

        • for example. I have suggested a literal pile of rocks as a tablescape. for uh, beachy connotations.

          gf has plans for succulents and tables runners and I love her and I just don’t fucking care. We already got a brass band and a tamale maker and a dance mix that mostly features janet jackson and I have a dress that fits but I need to cut out some of the layers of fluff but I don’t know how many layers of fluff is enough but right now it’s too many so I am bell-shaped, fuck. so like, I don’t care. about tablescapes. my method of handling uncertainty is aggressive indifference, apparently. also agreeing with any hints of a decision. “How about we use the little shiny rocks we bought?”
          “Yes.”
          “Or with some fabric?”
          “Definitely.”
          “What if we just do this one thing with origami paper?”
          “Yes. Absolutely. Best idea.”

          also hi I’m a social worker and whenever anybody says WIC to mean the wedding industrial complex I just think of government cheese.

          • Oh wait you can remove layers from a dress? Mine is pretty tight and not fluffy but also it has about three slips and that many slips cannot possibly be necessary.

        • Rie, your picture immediately convinced me that tablescapes are a good thing, immediately after Carolyn’s comment made me slightly terrified of them.

          • I mean, sure you can? with scissors? if your dress is not fluffy it probably needs all those layers to lay smooth but also don’t let anybody stop you from doing whatever the fuck you want to to that dress.

  20. I am waiting for this work day to be over.

    IT IS SO SUNNY OUTSIDE. I JUST WANT TO SIT IN THE SUN WITH A COCKTAIL IN HAND.

  21. I’m in limbo re:my plans tonight to celebrate the Big News. I’m in limbo re:this “curious” girl. I’m in limbo re:coming out to family even when I’ve been posting all day about gay stiff in my social media. And I’m in limbo re:moving in the Fall to DC.

    BUT all in all its been a great week. Kinda. Sorta. Just let the gaytivities commence!

  22. Im waiting for my wax person right now jsyk. And for A Camp 7. Christine said she would like to come. A Camp wedding part II?

    I love that we’ve won a major thing!! Im dog and house sitting for like 3 weeks since my sis and her fam are out.

    I also announced yesterday to the whole world aka facebook amd IG that christine and I are enGAYged! I love how the first people to like and give congrats were my AS family. <3

  23. I’m waiting for my graduation ceremony, for a job opportunity, for money, for my neighbours to stop yelling at each other. Don’t mind me waiting.

  24. I’m waiting to head off to college over in Santa Cruz this fall! (Y’all, if you’re in Santa Cruz please hit me up) It’s been like that feel you get when you wait at the airport… :) Soon enough I’ll be able to take off and hopefully be unapologetically homo and make new friends and OWN the first semester.
    AND OF COURSE THE BIG GAY NEWS. It’s surreal, actually. I’m getting this awesome sense of unity that only comes around during the Olympics. I’m so happy<3
    Hope you all have a very special weekend, surrounded by good company. And that includes yourself!

  26. I’m waiting to hear back from a job that I interviewed for yesterday. My friend who works for the company said it took them about a day to get back to her. I’m having a little bit if a fit in my heart over it. I’m like, it’s been almost 24 hours… is my “it takes a day” almost up? Did they not like what I said in the interview? Did my good parts not outweigh the couple times that I word spaghetti’d during a couple of their questions? Did they see that I listed my birth name under “Any other names you have worked under:________” and were like oh, nah. Not this kid. What is it? Is it a yes or a no? Please call me or at least vaguely tweet about me so that I know you’re aware of my existence.

    • I hope this works out! (It’s probably good that they’re not tweeting about you though, no? Maybe I am old but that to me would be odd.)

  28. I am waiting for my genderqueer ass to get recognized, cause I am not a sir and never was, cause I’m a genderqueer trans women. All I want is a marker on my ID to say something beside male(or even female).

    So, today’s news is great, but seriously let us not forget that gay and trans panic is still a fucking thing here. I am in California where both of those are banned, but what about my trans and/or gay brothers and sisters in other states who don’t have that same protection? I walked to bank today and all I wanted to do was shout this angry queer is still not happy. Also, for some reason at some point I flipped the bird to the sun and I’d like to apologize to whoever for that. I got a lot of feels today. I think I need to step out later and smoke some vapor or something.

    Rest of my week on the other hand has been way to quiet. Works slow, and my father won’t take my lack of gender pronouns seriously, but I am going to keep trying. How are you adorable gentle beings doing today?

    Sunday I went to annual Concours D’Elegance down the street from my parents house on Rodeo Drive and it was pretty amazing to see all these vintage, classic, and interesting rides. Plus, watching them turn on, and actually be drive down the street was a pure delight. On the plus side I was wearing a nice shade of shiraz lipstick at the event. Here are some images from the event on my friends cool site. http://www.shutterheartstories.org/member-stories-events/

    Also, saw another beautiful painted electrical box.

    Thank you for viewing and reading my post. Have a safe and beautiful celebration where ever you are!

  29. I’m waiting to feel better.

    I’ve been chronically I’ll and housebound for the last several years, and I just feel perpetually held back. There’s so much I want to accomplish, and I’m just stuck here pacing the halls.

    Good news though, I was well enough to go on vacation for the first time in a long while, and we went to Portland (my old home town), and it was wonderful. So wonderful, that my family is committed to moving back there.

    We are trying to move in less than a year, and I can’t wait. Being unable to drive has completely isolated me here, but portland has excellent public transportation. I would have SO much more freedom and independence.

    I feel like positive change is coming.

  30. Ahh yes I am feeling this so much!! For several months I was waiting for my field placement to be finished so my MSW degree requirements would be all completed. Now that that’s over, I’m waiting for my registration with the college of social workers to go through. Also I am going away to the west coast for most of the summer and I am leaving in a week and now I’m overwhelmed by how many things I have to do between now and then (packing! seeing friends! all the pride events!). And then after that my life is a gigantic mystery in that I will need to find work and may possibly decide to move somewhere new.

    Basically, limbo is the worst because I feel most comfortable when I can plan things in advance and I know what to expect! However, I’m working on being more spontaneous because good, unexpected things seem to come of it. In the meantime I’ve been doing things that will help out Future Kaybo (cleaning and organizing my living space, donating unwanted items, updating my resume and LinkedIn profile, etc.) in the fall when I’m stressed with job hunting and contemplating a move somewhere.

    • It’s so weird/not weird at all how much of a difference the ability to plan in advance is, especially for big life things. (I am also trying to be spontaneous, or at least more relaxed about things I can’t plan for. It is only sort of working.)

  31. Got back home last night from being on the road, on another continent, for 3 1/2 weeks. Obvs, today’s SCOTUS decision was super nice to wake up to. Feels like I came home to a rather improved country.

    I guess, honestly, that I’m kind of waiting for my parents and my kid — with whom I’ve been in very close quarters for the past month — to take off to their respective summer homes so that I can Just Be Meeeeeee! for a couple of months. I love all three of them to death, but I also am really, really desperate for some alone time. Also for time with friends who don’t need me to be gender-conforming and always On Top of Things, ’cause both of those constraints were active on the trip.

    Also this: SO many thanks to Autostraddle and the community here for helping me to stay sane and centered when things got a little dicey for me while far, far away from home. Big hugs offered to all (all who want them, of course), and deep gratitude.

    • How long do you have to wait? (Also what is it about living with family that makes the need for alone time so pressing? I have the house to myself for four whole hours tomorrow and I’m just gonna work and do laundry and listen to the explicit version of the Pinkprint but it feels so necessary.)

      • I only had to wait a day. Miss ’em already, but also am very happy to be going out to dinner with friends tonight :-)

  32. My life feels so full right now. Like I am probably doing more than I should but I cant stop myself from picking up all these new projects while still doing school. I think its because I have only two more semesters before I clear. I am afraid of whatever comes after college. What comes after college anyway?
    I am busy scouring every relevant place I know hoping to get a scholarship. I want to study somewhere else. I want so much. I am afraid that I will crash and burn if I dont take a break. But I have to stay focused. Its the only way I can get what I want.
    Anyway, I am waiting for my life to make sense. For all of it to just settle and make sense. I know it will. I just have to keep moving.

    • I did this too! I do that too. At a certain point you just have to say no to some stuff, even if the person you’re saying no to is yourself. It is good to want and to work and to worry but you have so much to do and maintaining focus and prioritizing is so important. Also you can do this. You probably already know you can do this but just in case.

  33. I am waiting for some guy to come fix my apartment’s washing machine. Ugh.

    Also with THE NEWS. My mom called my favorite radio station in my semi-conservative town and told them how happy she was that marriage equality was won and that she was proud of her gay daughter. She requested Same Love, but they didn’t have it (ha) so they played I Think I Wanna Marry You by Bruno Mars. And I cried tons.

  34. Hm… I feel restless often, but I can’t think of anything in particular that I’m waiting for. I guess I’m waiting for some things that only I can change. So it’s not really waiting, just resisting or procrastinating.

    In other news, MARRIAGE EQUALITY! It is such a happy day in the U.S.

    Also I love seattle. There are 11 new rainbow crosswalks in Capitol Hill neighborhood (where I used to live!) for pride in Seattle, and they’re expected to last 3-5 years.

    http://www.king5.com/story/news/local/seattle/2015/06/23/seattle-rainbow-crosswalks/29152187/

    Random photos from my week!

    Sunrise on my drive to work (hey, it’s not so bad leaving before 5!)

    Sunset and Rainier

    Saw a family of 3 seals! (but you can only see 2 here)

    In other news, my cat has a sweetheart that I’ve seen by my front door (with my cat on the other side of the door) as I get back from work. It’s orange striped, like Garfield but thinner. It always runs away when I approach though. Not sure if it’s a feral city cat or belongs to a neighbor. I want to leave food out, but it would probably all be eaten by rodents. I get lots of critters at my apartment (including mice, squirrels, possoms, and raccoons), so I’m hesitant to leave out anything that could attract more of them them.

    • It’s so pretty there!

      Could you try leaving a little food out around the time you get home from work but on your day off, and hang out somewhere far enough away to not scare the orange cat but close enough to scare anything else off (and then take the food in if the orange cat doesn’t show)?

      • Yeah that’s a good idea. I’ll continue to keep an eye out for it – it doesn’t show up much when I’m around.

    • Ah. Procrastination. My old, terrible friend. I understand what you mean.

      Yes I heard about the crosswalks!!! They looks so fun and colorful. To be honest, I think every city/town needs more color. I think it adds a little extra joy. A lil extra…gay. ;)
      The top photo is my absolute favorite. I actually bookmarked it so I can draw it later. XD The seals are adorable!! I wish your cat good luck on its new relationship.

      • I totally agree. I love the colorful knitted sleeves that some cities make for small trees or lamp posts along sidewalks.

  35. i’m waiting for the day when my nipple piercing stops randomly hurting. it’s almost a year old! come on!

    waiting for my reisling to get cold too–also, anyone else feel like reisling is moscato for Adults?

    • have you tried wrapping it in a damp towel/paper towel and putting it in the freezer? allegedly that makes things get cold faster.

  36. I’m waiting for the storms to pass so I can find out if my girlfriend is coming home from work tonight (a summer camp 2 hours away) to celebrate SCOTUS. And life. And just being together for a night. And if she can’t come home (two tornado warnings so far) I will do my normal “see this is what happens when you get too excited for things,” self-scolding and do my laundry and sleep in her bed by myself. I’m good at that. The jinxing everything by getting way too pumped up.

  37. I’m waiting…I’m waiting to feel like a Proper Adult, to see if I got this job I want, to see if it’s gonna be feasible to move out of my parents’ place, to see if its an awesome or a terrible idea to move in with a close friend who i’m totally in love with (they don’t know, as far as i know), to see if i can even be around them without feeling and acting totally anxious/weird/delusional, to see if therapy can help, to see if i can avoid further complete and utter psychotic hallucinatory mental breakdowns, to see how i feel about the fact that i’m drifting away from my partner who isnt the person i’m in love with, to see if i’ll ever be ok with rejection, to see if i can ever be mentally well enough to live the life i want to, to see if i can cope with the complexities of life….i’m waiting. For everything. For the chance to move forward. To feel like i can do it, without breaking on the way.

    • You can totally do it you can totally move forward. You can do this you got this.

      Also I’m just gonna jump in and say that moving in with someone you’re secretly in love with is probably a terrible idea. Either they love you back and then you have new roommate things and new relationship things and no space all tumbled up together, or they do not love you back in which case you’re basically signing up to torture yourself every day until it becomes feasible to move out. I don’t know what your living situation is and I know that sometimes these things are unavoidable, but if you can do anything to live somewhere else, somewhere where you can step away and protect your inner self, then you should do that. (If you can’t, give yourself at least some space, somewhere and somehow, for working stuff out in whatever way you best work stuff out with yourself.) Then you can approach that person separately if you want without throwing yourself into a stressful situation to see what happens. (Sorry for stepping into You Need Help voice a little but also <3<3<3<3<3)

  38. Currently I am waiting for:
    Short term:
    * My roommate to get off work so we can go grocery shopping.
    * Tomorrow so I can go visit my favorite club and hopefully hang out with some awesome people I haven’t seen in a while.

    Long term:
    * For this semester to end in school, so I can enjoy my week vacation in Florida
    * My vacation in Florida that happens to coincide with my 10 year high school reunion.
    * My miss “right”.

    How I have been dealing with waiting of any time is lots of distractions, and lists. Breaking things into little bits that I can do daily (at least with the things I can control). It gives me a sense of movement. When I can’t that, or have already done what I can, hobbies. Lots of hobbies. I pick up various crafts and work on them, if nothing else I plant myself somewhere interesting and sketch.

    What happenings are happening?
    School, school, school and school. Also a huge lack of sleep. I’m pretty sure I am made of at least 1/3rd caffeine right now.

    What feelings are you feeling?
    I am a broad spectrum of feelings today, excited, happy, overwhelmed, throw some angry and hurt in there for good measure.

    What about your garden?
    My garden is small, but coming along nicely.

  39. I have so many warm fuzzies(Girlfriend’s word for feelings) right now :). Yay for gay marriage and women’s futbol is going on peeps. I also get to see my lovely girlfriend as well tonight

    I also sent out my first round of postcards to my lovely A-campers. Do you want a lovely postcard from me?

  41. why are we mad about Jurassic World?

    I am waiting for my birthday on Sunday so I can eat the ice cream cake I bought for myself. I’ve been kinda bummed about my birthday, but I’m trying to make the best of it. ice cream cake being an exceptional start.

    I’m waiting to see what I’m made of. I have two classes this summer and then I will finally be done done done with school, and I’m nervous about the one in July. I’m so scared I’m going to fuck up and put my life on pause for even longer in a shitty town while I try to graduate.

    I’m waiting to move. I’ve mostly run out of friends in the town I live in, and while it’s a scary prospect, I can’t wait to start new.

    I’m at my parents for the weekend, and when I got in, my mom told me she thought my shirt was cute. after which I unceremoniously announced that I got it from the boys section of the store. she was like uh. and said she’d never think to look in that section haha. I’m trying to get her used to my preferred gender presentation which is a little more masculine / androgynous than she would really choose for me. baaaaby steps.

    • I think it’s cause there’s way less significant women characters in it compared to the Jurassic stuff of the 90’s.
      The only new Jurassic thing that grinds my gears enough to be something like made is all the dinos have been gender swapped to all boys in the toy line despite being referred to as girls in the film.

      Example:

    • Happy early birthday!

      I am mad about Jurassic World mostly because it was sloppy and no one behaved the way they were set up to behave and the music didn’t make sense with the visuals in a lot of places and there was no need for the weird gloss of romance plot, it would have been way better if their roles had been reversed actually and that babysitter did not deserve a death as drawn out as she got – or my movie rules really at all but even that aside it just sucked – and all I wanted by a third of the way through was a youtube edit where the entire movie was about velociraptors but not whats his face and that was it.

      • aw I really like Chris Pratt. I think he’s fun. I agree that the movie was sloppy though. coulda been a lot better than it was. I still enjoyed it, but I was hoping for more.

        thank you for the birthday wishes!

  42. I’m waiting for my happily-ever-after: for someone to look beyond the exterior and notice I am good and kind and wholly loveable.

  43. Meh it feels as if I live in limbo and I feel that I should maybe pat myself on the back for not utilizing a villain monologue here. Nolan Bane’s speech to Batman could have been easily formatted or I could have gone the creepy route with some ’97 Rasputinyness, but I didn’t. Go me.

    I had a conversation once, okay more like shouting match, about how “comfortable” I am with my lack of real adult progress and general not fitting in ness. That a better life scares me and being marginal is my comfort zone. As much as I hate to admit it they were/are sorta right. Belonging is way scary being the outsider is nearly an identity. Something that’s been a part of me since I was about 5 years old give or take and something that is a strength.

    Cutting ties with toxic people and protecting myself is easier for me than it is for grown ass real adults because I don’t need approval as much as “normal” people and I can take being designated as cold heartless ungrateful bitch like a compliment.
    Belonging means taking what people think and respond to me in consideration for reals and that cuts some of what feels like my power off.

    I could say I’ve got more issues than National Geographic but that is not correct. It’s one basic issue just dude it is systemic.

    Between worlds and never being whole and “complete” in any of them feels like my proper place, not in a sad pity seeking way…damn there is no way to make that not sound pathetic is there? Blergh.

    There’s something I can’t say to anybody in my life and have them get it or just not look at me in a like wow she’s more of a nutter than previously believed. I was kinda maybe when Obama was elected that events like the AME Church shootings would maybe start happening in an organised fashion because holy shit do I know too much neo-nazis ect and how much firepower those fuckers have…just too many things.

    I want to hope the shooting was the act and planning of one individual and not the beginning of some Turner Diaries level shit. Please let it be some dumbass white boy who’s messing some pieces that make humans humans who thinks what he did is cool and will impress some people on the internet.

    Here’s some fluffy pussies rubbing:

    Aw look there’s some pussy licking too :P

    So not ready to deal with runecasting and the queerness of Odin vs the patriarchal revision most commonly found in northern european heathenry right now, science is my home not spiritual stuff WTF is this.

  44. Well I’m very happy because I’ve only got to wait ’till tomorrow, when my friends and I are hosting a great big party to celebrate the Supreme Court legalizing gay marriage! Absolutely everyone is coming and we’ll all eat rainbow food until we explode and talk and laugh and cry and it’s probably going to be the best party ever! I’ve decided to make rainbow muffins, so I won’t just be sitting around waiting. I sure hope tomorrow comes soon.

    • I would never admit it to straight friends or whatever but secretly I really like rainbow food, LIVE YOUR DREAMS, plz post pics.

      • Oh I definitely will. I decided to make muffins that are not only rainbow hued but also rainbow flavored- with a different type of jam filling for each color in the pride flag! And it’s a scientifically proven fact that rainbow foods taste better (I read about it in the Journal of Applied Fabulosity). :)

  45. Hi Carolyn! I just had a very upsetting experience that affected me so much I could not let it go. Basically one of my friends is in an emotionally abusive relationship with one of our other friends and I want to help but didn’t know how. But I have decided to just keep reaching out to the isolated trapped friend to build trust and show her that there are people who care about her so if she ever wanted to stand up for herself there are people who would support her. But now I’m in the unsatisfying place of waiting for that trust to slowly build and for her to slowly build up her self-confidence and self-worth. It’s so hard to care about someone who is amazing but who doesn’t see it and doesn’t stand up for themselves and just lives their lives for other people they love even if it’s at the expense of themselves. I know all I can do is keep being there and reaching out but that ultimately I have to just wait for her to realize things on her own and there’s nothing I can do to rush it or make it go any faster. It’s a hard place to be in but I’m determined to be in the hard place WITH her instead of just washing my hands of it because it’s not ideal already. Hope this distracted you!!! And know that I feel you.

    • Hi Kristan!

      Separately from the waiting things in my post I am also waiting for someone to come to a similar realization and this (“I know all I can do is keep being there and reaching out but that ultimately I have to just wait for her to realize things on her own and there’s nothing I can do to rush it or make it go any faster.”) can be so hard. You are being such a good friend though so just in case no one else has said it lately GOOD WORK.

      • Awww thanks so much Carolyn!!! That really means a lot to me. And you’ll be glad to know that after that depressing funk I was in the first 2 days of Pride I had a really good Sat and Sun and I feel much more hopeful about things in general. Also I met this really amazing girl on Sat whose cute AND a good dancer and we had a lot of fun together that night. ;) Good things happen when you least expect them and ironically when you don’t do anything but be yourself and do what you want. So weird but good.

  46. I am waiting for a diagnosis.

    I am waiting for school to start!

    I am waiting for this pain crisis to pass (note to self: don’t eat dates)

    I am waiting for volunteers to respond to my recruiting efforts! http://www.ottawacapitalpride.CA

    I am waiting to learn the real impact of my prejudices.

    I am waiting for a gluten free doughnut that doesn’t have the texture of a dried cow pat.

    • “I am waiting for a gluten free doughnut that doesn’t have the texture of a dried cow pat.”

      YES THIS SO MUCH THIS!

    • I am impressed you even found a gluten-free doughnut in Ottawa. *resists urge to launch into a “back in my day” sort of thing*

    • “I am waiting to learn the real impact of my prejudices.”
      What’s this about? Like what did you say or do??

  47. I’m in limbo with work right now. I’m trying to get back to a stable work situation and it’s a struggle. I left teaching after a violent experience, and now am feeling a bit adrift trying to get my shit together. I’ve got unemployment benefits, fortunately, but finding a full-time work situation after leaving teaching is no easy task.

    The plus side is that I’ve got a bunch of free time and was able to recover from the incident, and also work on my photography skills enough to feel confident that I can start charging for my services. I’ve also begun looking for work as a nanny, which is really exciting to me.

    • If you want take a look at your local craigslist I am sure there are people looking for a photographer. Not to mention there is model mayhem if you want to start shooting models. It’s a good way to start a portfolio as you can get have shots of your work while in exchange a model, actress, or entertainer gets head and beauty shots. Had a friend tell me this. Also, there is so many great resources on youtube on how to improve your skills(beyond just using the camera and framing the shot, but with lighting and post production work too) and portfolio.

    • I’m glad you’ve been able to recover and learn/seek other things! Sending you so many hugs

  48. I had the gayest week EVER!!! (excluding having sex with another woman for the first time…)

    I went to Denver Pridefest over the weekend (FIRST PRIDE YAY) and I ended up leading about half a dozen fellow queermos to pride because I was the only one who felt confident navigating the light rail AND I DIDN’T GET LOST it was amazing!!! I got gay stickers for my car there and put them on and got a lesbian novel that I stayed up all night to read and everything was happy and gay and happy. I have never felt so much like I belonged somewhere.

    AND THIS MORNING when I got my unemployed ass out of bed and went to Autostraddle (always the first website I go to) I FOUND OUT I COULD GET MARRIED EVERYWHERE and I skyped my girlfriend and celebrated with her. It made me so, so, happy, happier than I thought I would ever be about anything related to politics (and Heather made me cry about it)

    AND TONIGHT I was meeting with one of my conservative friends who was very unhappy about my queerness when I came out, and I told her that she was adorable, and I would obviously know because I’m a lesbian AND SHE LAUGHED and it was amazing I made a gay joke and she’s so chill with it now and happy for me.

    I AM SO HAPPY AUTOSTRADDLE!!!

    I cannot wait to see my girlfriend in two weeks and consummate our happiness over gay marriage by making sweet, sweet love (with our brand new vibrator)

  49. I’ve been reading all of the comments on this thread and I’m really glad I’m not the only one whose life is in limbo atm. (And has mostly always been)

    Right now, I am waiting for my boyfriend to get off work. We don’t know at what time he finishes and I’m in his bed waiting (we’re in an LDR and I’m visiting him this time) for him to text me and it’s lonely and I miss him.

    I am also waiting for a lot of things, in the grand scheme. I just finished my A-levels (the equivalent of finishing high school in the US) and I’m waiting for my results, although not looking forward to them.

    I’m waiting to find a job. I really need to one to make the other thing I’m waiting for successful – my three (probably longer) month trip to Latin America this year. I mean, the tickets are booked, but I have no money to spend there.

    I am very much waiting for this trip!

    I’m waiting for my boyfriend to finish sorting out the things he has to sort out in the country he lives in so he can come to London with me, and then to Latin America.

    This is my first break from education and it feels weird but also good to know that come September I won’t be in any type of school, I guess I’m kinda waiting for that to set in, too.

    I don’t like to admit it but maybe I’m waiting for some type of stability as well. But like we say in Spanish, puedo esperar sentada y bien cómoda!

  50. Hello all! What an exiting end to this week!.

    It feels like I’m finally done with limbo, now that I’ve got a job, moved to another country, and got all the paperwork sorted out.

    But I’m still waiting on some things. Like the courage to come out to my family… yesterday brought all the feels, and a lot of people came out on facebook to celebrate, and I wanted to tell my family how big of a deal this felt (even though I’m French and we won this thing 2 years ago). But since I’m a big chicken I’m waiting for some ~opportunity instead of sitting everybody down for “the talk”.

    I’m also waiting on my roommate to wake up to see if he’ll drive me 46 miles to buy a second hand ikea table. Living without a car for the first time in 5 years feels WEIRD, you guys. Yay to being good for the environment, not so yay for depending on other people for a lot of things.


  51. If this works,it’ll be the picture of a huge wedding cake float,featuring a couple of brides and grooms, courtesy of the US Embassy in Berlin at our pride today.
    Cheers to all of ya!
    I could write a novel about being in limbo, but my feet hurt too much.
    Happy Pride, everyone!

  52. At this exact moment, I’m waiting for two hours to pass so I can head home from work and get some sleep. I’m also waiting to hear back from several prospective second jobs (and hoping really hard; I could use some good financial news for once). Also waiting for myself to stop being a coward and respond to a woman who messaged me on OkCupid (me? stop being a coward about dating? HA! not bloody likely). The last thing I’m waiting for is for the new semester to start at my university so I can see how few of my friends remain after the latest round of graduations.

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