Hey there, fashionable and/or ironic sweaters worn in perfect autumn weather! Welcome to this week’s Friday Open Thread, a space in which we come together to swap sewing patterns and praise false idols. JK! It’s actually just a post we all comment on with pictures of our pets and loved ones, updates about our week, and stories of lore from years past. But also, if you have a solid crop top pattern and wanna teach me how to sew it and also supply me with the materials and machinery, well, come the fuck on down.
Anyway, hi! Hello! It’s been so long since we talked, lemon squares with a special place in my heart. I missed you! Here’s some rapid fire updates about my life: I think my fall aesthetic might be “retired athlete,” I think museum gift shops might be my Achilles’ heel, and in the last month I have seen basically every person I ever met ever on the east coast without even getting on a plane. It’s been solid! I own a lot of Andy Warhol soup can products right now! The sound of silence that fills my room when I’m not expected to be anything to anybody in my own space is an actual delight! I went to Target and they were sold out of six-packs of Evian and I didn’t cry!
The cherry on top of it all, though, is that this week we finished up the final of those three terrible “debates,” or, as I mostly thought of them in my mind, experimental art pieces built by the universe and entitled simply “man-child: a definition in three parts.” Just think, y’all. No more! No more watching Donald Trump look Hillary Clinton in the face and telling her she hasn’t accomplished anything, or that what she has accomplished didn’t have an impact! No more watching Donald Trump gaslight the nation! NO MORE WATCHING DONALD TRUMP EXIST IN ORDER TO ALSO WATCH HILLARY CLINTON EXIST! This is truly a moment to cherish in our hearts, at least until the moment she becomes President and punches him in the face in front of the entire nation.
That being said, I would also like to go on the record and say that I’m still totally obsessed with Trump calling Hillary “such a nasty woman” in a low hushed voice into his mic at the end of that debate Wednesday. Please play that audio clip at my funeral, right before you lower me — in a life-size In N Out animal fries container — into the ground. Afterward, demand a moment of silence in which to savor it as my final send-off. At that moment, unveil my tombstone, which should read the following, in this order, divided not by slashes but by line breaks: “Such a Nasty Woman / :Three Corn Emoji: / It Was Lit Tho.” At this time, it will be dusk. Please weep quietly until it’s the dark of night.
Okay, sorry, that got dark and honestly, I’m here to bring you some light! What I offer you here today is my Anti-Trump Self-Care Service, in which I would like to dote on you until everything feels better. Come on down and tell me about your accomplishments – I won’t belittle them, but I’ll probably tell you how fucking badass you are. Step right up and show off your lewks from the week or shoot me some photos of your fam and chosen fam and puppy fam – I won’t say a negative word about anything and certainly won’t be caught on tape saying something I would try to pretend was never said a decade later in response! You could literally come in here to insult me and I would respond with “you’re great,” but that being said, please don’t do that my ego is more fragile than it seems and your validation matters to me.
Mostly, I just wanna know your life and lift you up. Is that cheesy? Oh well! I’m here, I’m queer, I’m living my truths, and I think you’re the gosh darn best. So hit me with your best shot, nasty folx. I’m here to affirm you endlessly and Make Your Day Great Again.
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