It’s been a special week, right? Probably because of the full moon. I was going to go to lunar yoga, but I injured my foot on a plastic pirate ship and also I have a cold, so instead I’m sitting here with a bowl of miso soup, green tea, reruns of The Office and YOU. Hi!
and this cat
Tonight you’re gonna be helping all the people we couldn’t help, either because we can’t or because we thought you’d be better at it. Sometimes you’re better at things, which is how Formspring Friday came to be a thing. The girl from question #1 is at Smith TODAY, trying to hook up with you and your friends, so be on the lookout for her!
13 Formspring Questions For You To Answer:
1. I’m newly out and visiting my friend at Smith tomorrow. I also have no game. HOW DO I HOOK UP WITH HOT SEXY LADIES?!
2. I’m a thin girl with large (DD) breasts. They make me very uncomfortable (in my head) but everyone else thinks they’re beautiful. Is it better to try to love my body as it is or to reshape it into a form that helps me feel freer and more like myself?
3. She’s getting too clingy and dependent on me. Is leaving her so that she can be her own person the only option here? Or is this fix-able.
4. My girlfriend is an asshole when she drinks. She ignores me and becomes a total frat boy. I don’t have many friends outside of our group, but I don’t know how to handle this situation, it upsets me a lot. She loves me and is a nice girl and she apologises.
5. I’ve been getting to know this girl and I’m sooo into her as a person, but physically…idk. I like really femmy girls and shes super butch. Is it worth it to try and see what happens? Or is that an asshole move since I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it?
6. I’ve been dating this girl on & off for a few months, and it wasn’t until yesterday that she told me that she thinks she’s straight, but likes me. She says she wants to try things out, but also that after our dates she questions herself. What should I do?
7. Is it wrong of me to be wooing a girl if she’s liked me for a year but has a girlfriend of a few months with whom things aren’t working well and I’m waiting for them to fall through? Nothing sexual has happened between us, so it’s not cheating, right?
8. So I have a crush on this girl, who I know at the very least finds me attractive but she is an open relationship. What do I do?
9. If your long term girlfriend is emotionally retarded and you thought she would change (but is great in other ways) do you leave or do you learn to accept that she isn’t good at understanding feelings?
10. I’ve been using okcupid a while, and it’s rad! but. I’m a submissive, and it’s kind of a big part of my sexual life/identity. It feels disingenuous/misleading not to mention, but too big of a Thing to have out in the open on my profile. Thoughts?
11. I feel like the reputation (no feelings/very slutty) I’ve built in my citys lesbian circle keeps me well out of the “dating material” category. but now ive reached a point where I want a gf or at least some feelings? I dont know how to make that…shift?
12. My mom has told me specifically that I may not tell any other family members that I’m a lesbian. The problem is, I’m really close with my whole family and I really want to. What should I do?
13. My girlfriend was sexually abused by her boyfriends previously. The more emotionally close we get, the more physically distant she’s gotten. I understand and want to help, but what do I do?
Lots of feelings! Lots of questions. Take your time. Hurry up.
To send your question via ASS personal messaging, choose an editor: Riese | Laneia | Rachel
Or ask any team member you’d like: Meet the Team
*If messaging is down, email us! There are so many options, you guys! You could send carrier pigeons!*
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Please keep your questions to around, at most, 100 words. Due to the high volume of questions and feelings, not every question or feeling will be answered or published on Autostraddle. We hope you know that we love you regardless.
#2
Mine are small and I frequently wish they were larger. If I gain weight or at certain times of the month they fill out, I do indeed feel more myself. So I think your instinct that you will feel more yourself with smaller ones is probably right on. I’ve known 3 people who had breast reduction and were happy with their choice. Go for it.
But make sure your doctor’s competent! I’m doing med law and last week we talked about a case where a woman went for a breast reduction and ended up with substantial scarring and “weirdly located nipples.” I feel that this would be less than ideal.
2. I have honestly never, ever, ever been with a woman and thought “Mmmmmm, please alter your body, it’s not acceptable to me”. Never, ever, ever. So you shouldn’t alter your body because you think it would be more acceptable to the people you date, only do it for you.
And if you decide not to do it – girl come over, lemme holla at you. ;)
Your last comment was crude- the type of thing that can make a person feel like a piece of meat. That is probably one reason she wants to reduce them.
Sorry guys that wasn’t me. Someone thought that writing under my account after a lot of wine would be huge lulz I guess. Is there any way to delete that post, team autostraddle?
What I would say if I gave advice, which I don’t really like to do,is:
I used to worry about the same thing. I thought that the reduction would feel more at home in my body but I couldn’t afford it. Around the same time I started working out more, eating better, figuring out my personal style, and what I realised is that I felt weird in my body because I hadn’t actively tried to inhabit my body before. I don’t know if that makes sense?…. It wasn’t the breasts that were the problem, the problem was that I had zero body awareness so I hated most things about me. After a while it became easier to deal with me and appreciate my body, and it’s still not a perfect relationship, but I hardly ever think of getting a reduction now.
But this is just my story, for some people it feels so urgent they have no confusion about what their body should look like, they get that reduction and live happier lives. So ultimately,as erudite as friends and autostraddlers can be, you know what to do better than anyone here.
Any advice given on this forum will remain inchoate until you sit down with yourself and figure out how urgent it is for you.
I don’t have any answers but #3 and #9 are definitely dating, right?
Ahaha, that’s fantastic. I’m going to assume yes.
9. is going going to come undone at the very thought Robin. It’s about to be drama in her head………………
omg, you’re right. #9, sit down and listen to me, #3 is not your gf. Its just another girl who probably thinks somewhat like her. We are sometimes drawn to our opposites. My advice? Understand that maybe her lack of emotional awareness has nothing to do with how she feels about you. She’s a totally different person. Question is, can she continue to make you happy AND meet your emotional needs. That’s the tricky part. As for #3, who is DEF NOT YOUR GF… #3 you should probably tell her how you feel and work on it.
2. Do they make you physically uncomfortable? I mean if you’re in pain, dude do what you’ve gotta do. But. I would personally recommend against altering your physical body based on insecurities. I say learn to love it.
3. Have you tried the “I need you to not need me” talk? I would try the talk. It’s awkward and it sucks, but you need your motherfracking independence and to be with somebody who can be a complete person.
7. Yes. If you were in her current gf’s situation, would you feel comfortable with someone else doing what you are doing with this girl? Probs not. Ergo: not cool.
8. What do you want, what can she give? Do they match?
Do you want monogamy? Not for you.
Do you want sex? Could work.
Do you want an emotional relationship? Can she give you one?
The answer to your q. sort of depends on the details.
9. My advice is: go back in time and don’t get into a relationship intending to change someone. Starting now: is it something you need? If it’s something you need, can you get it elsewhere? If not, you may have to reassess.
12. Do you depend on your mom financially? Will she cut you off if you go against her? Can you make it without her help? Depending on the answers to these questions, I say fuck it do what is right for you. It’s not your problem if she can’t handle the family knowing you are queer. Your sexuality (and who you choose to talk to about it) is not about her. It’s about you.
13. Oy. Um…time. You have to be really fucking patient. And CONSTANT VERBAL CONSENT. Seriously. You have to make her feel completely safe and keep it that way without pushing. COMMUNICATE. You can’t fix it for her, because when she takes back the idea of sex for herself it’ll have to be on her terms and in her time or she’ll just be under your power instead of theirs. You just have to provide the safe space for that to happen in and maintain it. That being said, everyone is different and it’s unsteady ground. Tread lightly and lovingly and for god’s sake LISTEN, even when what’s being said isn’t verbal.
1. You have a Kindle, right? Cool, that means you can read books on flirting and nobody will ever know.
2. Tough question. I’ve had cosmetic/reconstructive surgery after an injury that did really help me out, but no lie, it’s expensive, it hurts, and it’s not a total fix.
3. Not enough information.
4. Don’t stay with someone with problematic drinking habits. If you’ve got a lot of people with substance abuse in your life, do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to your local Al-Anon family group.
5. Life’s too short. Find someone you’re irrationally exuberant about.
6. Life’s too short. Find someone who’s irrationally exuberant about you.
7. If you have to ask whether it’s unethical…you probably shouldn’t do it. Find someone who’s irrationally exuberant about you…who isn’t already in a monogamous relationship.
8. You have a Kindle, right? Cool, now you can read about open relationships and no one will be the wiser while you figure out if it’s for you.
9. See #5.
10. Mention that you’re kinky on your profile but don’t mention your kink “orientation.”
11. Start a blog? No, wait.
12. Need more information on that one.
13. You have a Kindle, right? Cool, you can read about how to be a supportive partner to someone with a history of abuse without her being any the wiser (though I would tell her about it).
NB: You don’t actually have to have a Kindle. You can just, yanno…read about shit.
There are also Kindle apps for just about every device ever. No one need be the wiser about your reading habits just because you’re Kindle-deprived.
Irrational exuberance in the form of…. g, r, double-e, n, leaves?
The phrase “irrationally exuberant” just hit me so hard. I love you for introducing it to my feelings vocabulary.
Also, Jade’s #9 is kickass:
SO. TRUE.
A lot of people talk about “respecting your partner” but few people talk about what that means. It means refraining from attempts to correct, instruct, or change a partner.
If you can’t respect or tolerate them without correcting, instructing, or changing them? You don’t respect them.
If you don’t respect them…don’t be in a relationship with them. People aren’t renovation projects, you aren’t Home Depot, and life is (thank ya Jesus!) Home and Garden Television.
This is spot on. Respect definitely means you are totally cool with “who” your partner is from the start. If there are parts that don’t fit the way you would like, it’s up to you to either accept and make compromises, or accept and move on. It’s never okay to try to change someone’s behavior to suit your own needs.
#13 I actually have some very real experience with this in a lot of different ways. I can’t speak for everyone, obviously, but both my job and relationships consistently have involved working closely with rape and sexual abuse victims so maybe something I say can help.
Jade gave excellent advice about giving her time, communicating a ton and getting constant, verbal consent. Like, over the top amounts of verbal consent. It may not seem sexy to keep checking with her, but it will help. Giving her the ability to say “stop” and NEVER judging her or making her feel like she disappointed you by wanting to stop is crucial. If she tells you to stop asking, that’s cool, but be very in-tune with her body language and the way she reacts when you touch her.
A few things to add:
Never sneak up on her or touch her without her consent, even if it’s just silly fun. It might seem cute, but it could really freak her out. You have to foster serious trust with her and give her absolutely no doubt that you won’t hurt her.
Don’t pressure or push her. Be there for her. Be romantic. Consistently let her know you think she’s beautiful, smart, you love her, you want her etc but don’t push for physical intimacy and don’t make her feel bad for taking her time. Even just little faces that tell her you’re disappointed or upset can make her really uncomfortable.
I don’t know anything about her situation or your dynamics, but talk to her about things she might want to try or that would make her comfortable (or uncomfortable. Let her set the boundaries.) and be sure she knows you won’t judge her for what she wants. Perhaps try letting her be in control. A lot of the women I’ve been with have found strength through dominance. If you don’t mind being a little kinky, let her tie you up. If she has all the power, she might feel more comfortable. Be prepared for a session like this to bring out a lot of emotions, though. (These suggestions are just things that might apply or work. The key issue is to talk to her openly about her feelings and needs. If she doesn’t want to talk, don’t push it. Be consistent, but don’t pester or force her.)
Never, ever, *ever* break a rule about your physical boundaries, even if it’s teasing or you’re not serious. This is pretty standard in any relationship (i.e. always listen to safe words, be respectful of boundaries) but it can be particularly traumatic to a sexual abuse victim.
Respect her and find ways to foster intimacy with her that is within her boundaries. If she wants to break through walls or push boundaries, move slowly, respectfully and be sure she knows she’s in charge and control over her own healing process. You’re there to help if she needs it, but she’s in control.
Finally, and this is the hardest one: accept that she might not change. You might not be able to help her. Depending on how traumatic her experience was to her, it may have affected her pretty permanently. She might always be uncomfortable with physical intimacy in one way or another. She may develop very strict rules about her intimacy that you can’t fight her on. She may change her mind about what she wants very suddenly and radically. For instance, she may suddenly want sex all the time and then not want it again. Your focus has to remain on making her feel safe and letting her know you’re there for her and want her to be happy and pleased above all else.
Don’t let this make you feel bad. It’s easy after a long while to suspect she’s not changing because she doesn’t want to or doesn’t trust you. This probably isn’t the case. She might trust you whole-heartedly, but can’t get past the memories and the flashbacks that might happen when you’re being intimate. In the end, this is a very complex issue and it has very little to do with love or trust.
You sound like a great girlfriend for even asking this question. You seem like you really love and respect her and that’s an amazing start. This is a very stressful and emotional situation. Keep approaching her with love and respect. Be very honest and open with her and allow her to be the same with you without judgement. Be available to her. Don’t get angry at her or yourself.
I wish you both all the luck, love and good things in the world.
This (and Jade’s) is such kind, smart advice. Thank you so much for posting.
As someone who’s been through sexual abuse and its aftermath I would like to add a few things:
1. #13, assuming you haven’t already, you could mention to your girlfriend that you want to support her through dealing with the abuse fallout, and that your research has turned up recommendations A, B, and C – and does she think any of those might help her? If not, what?
2. Your girlfriend has to be ready to change. Launa and Jade’s advice is a fantastic way to start (or continue) making your relationship a place that feels safe for these changes, but ultimately it’s up to your gf as to whether she can let down her guard and be as vulnerable as she will need to be in order to have a healthy, happy, embodied sex life with you. The corollary to this is:
2. Learning to trust yourself post-abuse can take years; it’s a long haul situation that requires her strong commitment. If she can’t, or doesn’t want to, and you are being supportive in all the ways you can…know that her reluctance is not your fault. You are absolutely entitled to have a healthy, happy, embodied sex life yourself (we all are), and it’s 100% ok to have your own needs. This includes ending the relationship if she isn’t willing to work on things.
3. I can’t say enough fantastic things about Staci Haines’ book The Survivor’s Guide to Sex: How to Have an Empowered Sex Life After Child Sexual Abuse. There is a chapter in there geared toward partners of people hashing through these issues that might be helpful for you. Actually the whole book is helpful if you’re wondering what she’s facing.
4. I probably should have said this right up front, but you’re brave to even ask. Dealing with these issues was the absolute scariest time of my life, and I was lucky enough to get to do most of my healing while I was in a relationship with a man who was extremely kind, patient, and gentle with me. He had never been sexually abused and didn’t have a good reference point for it, so as scary as it was for me, I can’t even imagine how frightening it must have been for him as an onlooker, seeing the person he loved wrestle with the most terrifying questions in the world and not really be able to do anything besides witness and listen and hold me and love me and – when I was ready to engage – model a healthy relationship with his own body and sexuality. Those were some tough times. You are a superstar for looking into what it would take to hang with your girlfriend through this.
Lots of love to you both. I hope a few years down the line she gets to write something like item 4 above. :>
10: In my opinion, internet dating is all about getting the big issues out in the open right away. Personally, if I was on an internet dating site seriously looking for someone to be with, I would appreciate knowing deal breakers right off the bat. If being submissive is a big part of your life and you wouldn’t consider being with another sub or a switch, say it. Not only will it prevent you from starting a relationship that won’t work, but it might attract serious doms to you. There are a lot of women on the internet. Weed out the ones that absolutely wouldn’t work for you right from the start.
#10: You don’t need to write WILL SOMEBODY JUST PLEASE TIE ME UP ALREADY? in neon lights on your profile bio if you don’t want to, although it might help. Or you can be subtle: “I like it when someone else takes the lead.” Just answer a bunch of profile questions. (OKCupid has lotsa questions re: sex, and some of them get pretty specific. So if you’re a sub, it’ll come out in your answers and your site-generated personality profile.) Someone who’s cruising your profile can do a search, on your question page, for “submissive” to suss you out. I know I do, and this dom has found some lovely lady subs that way. ;-)
#2: I may be in the minority in this opinion, but I think in your case there’s nothing wrong with getting a breast reduction. In my opinion, getting a reduction is very different from other types of plastic surgery because it’s not about trying to make yourself more attractive to someone else, but about trying to be more comfortable in your own body. Large breasts are cumbersome and they often draw unwanted attention. I say if you don’t like them then there’s nothing wrong with getting them reduced. People who tell you otherwise only say so because they’re focusing on the fact that other people often find large breasts attractive, they’re not really thinking about what’s best for you and what would make you more comfortable.
omg number 5 is sooo me ive met soo many kool chicks but physically im just not into them and its always made me feel like a vain asshole good to know im not alone
2. I’m a thin girl with large (DD) breasts. They make me very uncomfortable (in my head) but everyone else thinks they’re beautiful. Is it better to try to love my body as it is or to reshape it into a form that helps me feel freer and more like myself? Forget what other people think, what you think matters more. A friend of mine got breast reduction surgery after college and actually felt so much better after (confidence-wise and physically). That’s probably not popular advice though.
3. She’s getting too clingy and dependent on me. Is leaving her so that she can be her own person the only option here? Or is this fix-able. Do you guys have your own friends? Your own hobbies? Activities that involve more than having staring contests with each other or your cat every weekend? If not, try that before starting the breakup talk. Also, today is your lucky day because Autostraddle just posted an article about Boundaries! http://develop.autostraddle.com/boundaries-a-thing-you-need-134829/
5. I’ve been getting to know this girl and I’m sooo into her as a person, but physically…idk. I like really femmy girls and shes super butch. Is it worth it to try and see what happens? Or is that an asshole move since I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it? Worth a try, sure, but she sounds like friend material to me. I feel like if the sexual attraction isn’t there in the beginning it’s not going to happen later on.
6. I’ve been dating this girl on & off for a few months, and it wasn’t until yesterday that she told me that she thinks she’s straight, but likes me. She says she wants to try things out, but also that after our dates she questions herself. What should I do? Hmm…at least she’s being honest? Really, I think the most important thing is to not let this situation turn you into an embittered person who feels compelled to start flame wars on every A.S. post that mentions bisexuality. ALL OF OUR LIVES WILL BE SO MUCH BETTER.
12: This depends on a few things. Namely, who is your mother trying to protect by having you not say anything? If it’s you, and she thinks people are going to react badly, it’s okay to understand that position but still disagree with it. If she’s trying to protect herself and I was in your position, I’d probably wind up telling people out of spite, but that’s just me. If this is one of those situations though where she is supporting you and will cut you off if you tell people your hands are pretty much tied. It’s a shitty situation but your best bet would be wait until you’re independent from her in pretty much every way. Granted, if you’re keen to tell your family, it’s pretty likely you think they’ll take it at least okay, so you may want to take the chance and risk the consequences. Of course you don’t need to tell everyone at first, it may be best to tell one other family member and explain the situation, they’re likely to have a better understanding of what to do.
2. I’m all for loving the body you have but I’m also all for doing what is right for you. Don’t keep them because everyone else tells you they’re beautiful. If it would make you more comfortable physically, mentally, and/or socially, I would say go for it! I want to reduce my DDs but my wife thinks not so much. ;) It’s irking, though, when people with small boobs are like, you are so lucky, why would you reduce them? I say… you try fitting these puppies into sexy bras and tiny tops and bathing suits… it’s pretty ridiculous.
12. Depends on how much you depend on your mom. When I was 18 and came out, my mother told me not to tell her side of the family and I stupidly obliged, even though I didn’t live with her or take any money from her or anything. A few months later, she told everyone anyway (without me knowing), which sucked because it made me look like I was too embarassed or ashamed to tell everyone myself. If you don’t depend on her for food, money, and/or shelter, I would say tell the people you are comfortable telling but be prepared to deal with your mom’s reaction. And who knows, she might come around. Now nearly 12 years later, I recently found out that my mom proudly showed my wedding photography book to her very conservative sisters. I mean, they had known for years but it was another thing to make them sit and look at pictures of me and my bride kissing cutely outside the chapel. ;)
After rereading everyone’s advice above, I feel like I should comment more on the breast reduction thing. I think that yes, it is an unpopular choice because yes, everyone thinks boobs are great but unless you have very large breasts, you just don’t know what it’s really like. My mom’s best friend had her’s reduced a few years back and she said it was one of the best decisions she ever made. It increased her confidence and it made her physically more comfortable and capable. She also said that now people actually look in her eyes when they talk to her and she doesn’t feel as though she’s constantly being written off as a bimbo anymore. The decision is totally yours and yours alone. Just like how no one would advise someone to get implants because of outside pressure, no one should advise you to keep them because of outside opinions.
#2 : First, stop listening to other people’s opinions on your body and what you ought to do or not do with it. It’s YOUR body, you’re the one living in it, and you don’t owe it to anyone to make it look more attractive to them – not even a partner. Second, ask yourself why you don’t like your boobs – do you really feel like having big boobs is “not you”, or are you uncomfortable about them because of the way people look at them or perceive you because of them? If it’s the second case then not giving a fuck can fix it, but if it is the first or even if you really just can’t deal with the looks and all (nothing wrong if you do!) then go for the reduction. If you’re unsure you can also maybe try to bind them and see how that makes you feel.
I’m in the same case than you and spent years planning to have a breast reduction as soon as I’ll have the money because I was really uncomfortable with having such a “feminine” body, but now that I’ve stopped caring so much about fitting people’s preconceived notions about me/my gender identity/gender presentation, I’ve become ok with them. Maybe I’ll change my mind later on if my back pain becomes worse or if I don’t like the way they look anymore, but I won’t let anyone else rules over my body anymore.
10. I’ve seen plenty of OKC profiles that include “kinky.” It seems a bit forward, but you want to weed out people for whom that is a dealbreaker–and clue in people for whom that is a plus.
Elaborate further on your particular flavor of submissiveness in by answering related questions.
2. Is it a gender or body dissonance thing? If so, it’s ABSOLUTELY fine to alter your shape, but you will continue to hear people saying that you should learn to love your body and blah blah blah. Don’t listen to them. I’d suggest experimenting with cheap, homemade binders or tight (or layered) sports bras and see how that makes YOU feel.
#4. I’m occasionally the asshole fratboy girlfriend when drunk,and all sweet and apologetic the next day… and tbh, sometimes I really wish my girlfriend would give me a cold look and walk out after I’ve been an idiot. And not for my sake in any way at all, but for hers (I don’t want to sound like that horrible person who’s all like, I’m an asshole cause my girlfriend let’s me get away with it, cause that’s not true. I’m actually just an ass sometimes). When your girlfriend’s being a drunken idiot, tell her she’s being a drunken idiot. Often the more a person apologises for the same behaviour, the less it begins to mean for both of you, and getting stuck in that pattern will go downhill fast…
#7. “Nothing sexual has happened between us, so it’s not cheating right”. Ahhh. As far as I can tell amongst my friends, I’m a weirdo when it comes to this topic… but for me, I could get over my girlfriend having a one night stand with a random (possibly even two or three) but if I ever found out she was emotionally attached to someone else, if she wanted to be with someone else and I was the only thing stopping that (if for example, she told me she had feelings for someone but was doing everything possible to distance herself from that), then we would be over pretty much straight away, even if “nothing sexual” had happened. So pretty much what I’m saying, is if you’re imagining yourself in a relationship with this person who is already in a relationship, you should probs just walk away now. You had your chance and missed it sorry…
5. I’ve been getting to know this girl and I’m sooo into her as a person, but physically…idk. I like really femmy girls and shes super butch. Is it worth it to try and see what happens? Or is that an asshole move since I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it?
How much do you want to have her as a friend? Would you be upset if you had to break up with her and lose her friendship? If you’d be cool with the possibility of losing her friendship, I say go for it! It could be fun, and you might find that you are attracted to butches after all. If you’re really excited about being friends with her and don’t want to lose that, then don’t risk it. Anyway, I don’t think it’s an asshole move to try it. Dating/hooking up with someone isn’t a guarantee.
6. I’ve been dating this girl on & off for a few months, and it wasn’t until yesterday that she told me that she thinks she’s straight, but likes me. She says she wants to try things out, but also that after our dates she questions herself. What should I do?
This is the flip side of #5–you’re dating someone who’s not sure she’s in to you physically. As long as you’re enjoying it, I say keep going out with her. But give her plenty of space to be honest about her feelings, and don’t take it personally if she decides it’s not for her.
5. Don’t do it. Recently ended up in a similar position with this transguy, lovely person but just no physical attraction there at all, then when I finally had to stop the situation it was really awkward :(
6. You are not her experiment, she’s going to break your heart and she’ll walk away scott free.
4. what about (after talking to her) you ignore her while she drinks- i.e. not go to parties with her? idk
5. probably you should tell her your feelings
6. unfortunately for you, I think you should leave her alone for awhile, until she’s in a better place with herself
7. either bide your time until there’s a breaking point or do something else for a while
12. bring your girlfriend home for xmas
13. poor thing, there’s not much you can do yourself, she needs to find a way to heal her heart- meditation classes are really really good for that kind of thing.
#2: I got a breast reduction when I was 16 and it was the best choice I ever made. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can tell you that life’s too short to hate your breast and have constant back aches.Plus insurance will cover surgery.
If you’re in the north east area I STRONGLY suggest Dr. Sumner Slavin in Brookline, MA (Boston). He did mine and two of my friends and he’s great.
2. When I was considering getting a breast reduction, I really did my homework. I talked to other people my age that had had them, I saw multiple surgeons for consultations. As a 5 foot tall, thin girl with DDD breasts, they each told me that I was a perfect candidate for the surgery. The people I talked to for advice told me that it was the best decision they’d ever made. I was still on the fence about it, but I decided to go ahead with it anyway. I had never felt comfortable with my boobs and I couldn’t fit into to clothing that was right for the rest of my body. I also had severe back pain that I thought might go away with the surgery.
I told the surgeon that I wanted a C cup. I came out of surgery with Ds or DDs, depending on the bra. It’s been a year and a half and I still have next to no sensation in my nipples or along the scars. My back pain is only slightly lessened.
I don’t know what to tell you about a breast reduction. It’s really a decision you have to make for yourself. It might be “the best decision you ever made” in your case. It certainly seemed to be that way for everyone else. I just know that if you do go through with it, be very clear with your surgeon about what cup size you would like. You don’t want to go through extremely invasion surgery and come out with something that isn’t much better than when you went in. Also, be aware that you might lose some or all the sensation in your nipples. Maybe that was ok for the prim and proper straight college girls I talked to for advice, but I am a sexual being. I need to be able to feel my nipples! Good god.
#2- As a very happy recipient of breast reduction surgery all I can tell you is do what YOU want. My large chest was inherited from my mom (who also had breast reduction surgery), so I was lucky enough to be able to get to see exactly what would happen with my surgery and even get to see how the scarring/long term results might look on me.
My top bit of advice for you, beyond the whole emotional and mental aspects of changing your body (which I think others have covered quite well), is medical documentation. In order to get financial help from insurance you need to have a documented history of problems which can be attributed to your breasts. So telling your doc about your back pains ect is a must. Also it can’t hurt to go in for a surgical consult now if you like, look into surgeons that specialize in the procedure and even ask to see before and after photos to see if you like the results (some methods I think make breasts look saggy).
After my reduction, I now feel like my body is in proportion, I feel more confident and less like a girl with balloons on my chest… I finally feel as if my breasts are a part of me instead of these separate entities that everyone else is obsessed with and make me feel awkward.
#9 Don’t use the r-word and you’ll have better success in life.
Except she actually used it in the way the word is meant to be used, not in the slangy derogatory way. Retarded means delayed or stunted so she meant her girlfriend is emotionally stunted, which is a legit expression.
5. As a femme-y girl that likes other femme girls, I honestly never thought that I’d date a butch girl. No offense to all the awesome butches out there, it just wasn’t my cup of tea. I thought it was too much like dating a guy. And then I met my current girlfriend…she asked me out on a date, and I was alone/lonely in a completely new city, so I thought “Why not?” I totally wasn’t in to the way she looked, which looking back it might not have been the nicest thing to lead her one like that, even just for one date. But she surprised me. c: She has a shit ton of muscle (she can literally toss me around with one arm) and that Bieber cut is adorable.
Dating a butch girl (or at least this butch girl, don’t wanna make generalizations) does feel different than dating a femme girl. She likes Ford trucks and fishing, I like reading and shopping. But she still has that feel of “womanness”, I guess?
If you’re a person who puts a lot of weight on appearance (I thought I was) it might not be the wisest thing to go for it. If you’re someone who is more attracted to personality, then go for it. My gf has the kindest, most attractive personality I’ve ever met, and I couldn’t imagine her with any other body, or wanting anyone else. She’s also made me be more attracted to other butches (something I’m not gonna let her know, lol.) As cliche as it sounds, listen to your heart. If you really want her, it’ll let you know.
actually we just broke up yesterday, so maybe forget my advice.
Hugs, I’m so sorry.
#5 – My wife is not my physical “type,” nor am I hers. At first, I was worried about the fact that she wasn’t the kind of girl I check out on the street, but our emotional connection was so strong that it sort of turned into a physical connection. Anyhow, more than 6 years later, we’re married and super-happy and our physical connection as strong as ever, or even stronger! Go for it!!!
#5 Don’t date girls you aren’t attracted to. It’s not fair. However, if the longer you know her the more beautiful you think she is, that’s a good sign.
#6 Run far, far away. Wait 6 months. See if she wants to be friends.
#7 It’s still cheating. Time for this girl to either break up and get with you, or commit to her relationship and you guys should draw some boundaries.
#12 Don’t listen to your mom. My mom told me this same thing, and it ended up that my other family members were upset with me not because I was gay, but because I had waited so long to tell them. Your mom is probably saying this because SHE is afraid of how they will react, and 90% of the time moms overestimate this. If you come from an extremely conservative religious family then ignore this advice, but if you don’t, I think your mom is wrong on this one (it is possible occasionally!)
1. I’m newly out and visiting my friend at Smith tomorrow. I also have no game. HOW DO I HOOK UP WITH HOT SEXY LADIES?!
———-> Master flirty eye contact. Practice in a mirror. It is the secret language of lesbians.
2. I’m a thin girl with large (DD) breasts. They make me very uncomfortable (in my head) but everyone else thinks they’re beautiful. Is it better to try to love my body as it is or to reshape it into a form that helps me feel freer and more like myself?
—————> That’s up to you. Do you have the money and time to undergo surgery? are you in good health, or would it be a significant risk to get it done? do your boobs cause you health problems? If they make your life really miserable and getting surgery would be easy, then go for it.
3. She’s getting too clingy and dependent on me. Is leaving her so that she can be her own person the only option here? Or is this fix-able.
—————-> Either end it, or give her more affection. Don’t stay in a relationship where you can’t give her what she needs.
4. My girlfriend is an asshole when she drinks. She ignores me and becomes a total frat boy. I don’t have many friends outside of our group, but I don’t know how to handle this situation, it upsets me a lot. She loves me and is a nice girl and she apologises.
———————-> talk to her about it and enforce it. If she’s being an asshole, take her to the side in the moment and ask her to stop. demand respect!
5. I’ve been getting to know this girl and I’m sooo into her as a person, but physically…idk. I like really femmy girls and shes super butch. Is it worth it to try and see what happens? Or is that an asshole move since I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it?
—————–> Sexuality is fluid, man. Try new things. Just go with it.
6. I’ve been dating this girl on & off for a few months, and it wasn’t until yesterday that she told me that she thinks she’s straight, but likes me. She says she wants to try things out, but also that after our dates she questions herself. What should I do?
—————> find someone who knows for sure. you deserve it.
7. Is it wrong of me to be wooing a girl if she’s liked me for a year but has a girlfriend of a few months with whom things aren’t working well and I’m waiting for them to fall through? Nothing sexual has happened between us, so it’s not cheating, right?
—————-> ask yourself why you only want her now that she’s unavailable. do you tend to want things that you can’t have? only like a challenge? and if so, will you still like her if she and GF break up? don’t put them both through this unless you’re 100% ready to marry this girl.
8. So I have a crush on this girl, who I know at the very least finds me attractive but she is an open relationship. What do I do?
————–> that relationship is “open” for a reason! go for it. maintain good communication with her GF to make sure that you’re not causing problems between the two of them. You don’t want no drama!
9. If your long term girlfriend is emotionally retarded and you thought she would change (but is great in other ways) do you leave or do you learn to accept that she isn’t good at understanding feelings?
—————> there are so many people in the world. don’t waste your time with someone who is severely lacking in a fundamental way. life is short, you are young, etc.
10. I’ve been using okcupid a while, and it’s rad! but. I’m a submissive, and it’s kind of a big part of my sexual life/identity. It feels disingenuous/misleading not to mention, but too big of a Thing to have out in the open on my profile. Thoughts?
——————> that’s why private messaging was invented.
11. I feel like the reputation (no feelings/very slutty) I’ve built in my citys lesbian circle keeps me well out of the “dating material” category. but now ive reached a point where I want a gf or at least some feelings? I dont know how to make that…shift?
——————> ummm if you’re a player with swag who gets all the ladies, and they’re frustrated because they can’t tie you down, you don’t have any problems at all. in fact, we all want to be you. you’re shane. now, all you have to do is find a girl that you like and tell her that she’s worth settling down for! she’ll love that she got to be the one to domesticate you.
12. My mom has told me specifically that I may not tell any other family members that I’m a lesbian. The problem is, I’m really close with my whole family and I really want to. What should I do?
——————–> tell them. mom will get over it.
13. My girlfriend was sexually abused by her boyfriends previously. The more emotionally close we get, the more physically distant she’s gotten. I understand and want to help, but what do I do?
——————–> you’re going to have to accept that this is probably going to be a permanent thing and ask yourself if you want a relationship that doesn’t have much sex. i’ve been in a lot of relationships like this and trust me, there’s no switch to flip to turn off what she’s been through. If you feel like you need sex as a regular part of your life, maybe it would be better if you could support her as a friend. If you wanna stick it out, don’t push the sex thing and let her come to you.
2. Do it! But make sure you do not go cheap on your surgeon, a good surgeon will have a wait (I waited six months for my appointment). It has been a year since I had mine done (DD –> C) and it has been awesome. I do have scarring, but it is minimal. If you are thin you may have the option like I did to have a single incision and not mess with the nipple at all. I was very nervous about the surgery and spending that much money ($10k, no insurance) but if when I thought about it, it is for the rest of your life, so it isn’t that much for such an improvement in your quality of life. I can run now, wear the clothes I want, jump around, and I am not ogled anymore (in the bad uncomfortable kind of way). Although the healing process is long and painful, I have never felt better about myself after healing up from this surgery and I wish I had done it sooner.
No. 2 –
So am I.
And I have a question for you — are you uncomfortable because you don’t like the attention, or uncomfortable because they don’t fit your ideal self/preferred gender expression/etc? If you are relatively young and mostly uncomfortable because you seem bigger and more mature than everyone else, realize that this maybe won’t always be the case.
I am a very tiny person. I’m an adult who can still wear children’s sizes, and is usually relegated to Jrs 00-2. I wanted to be a size A or B. Imagine my initial horror at becoming a DD in high school!
Years later, I’ve learned to appreciate my breasts, even like them. Maybe it’s because my girlfriend’s a fan, or because they are one of the few parts of my body that are authoritatively adult. I actually have fun playing with the size of my breasts – I’ll wear a push-up bra for extra cleavage or a binder to look good in Oxford shirts. People still stare – but as one woman among many large-breasted women, I don’t get the attention I used to.
I might have surgery one day, because I already have neck and back pain and I can’t handle a size bigger than this. But I’m content, for now.
If I were you, I’d think long and hard about why you want this. It’s definitely okay to go under the knife, as long as you’re sure and do it for yourself. Wearing a binder can give you the appearance of smaller breasts and help you decide if the look fits.
13. It’s really good that you want to help and are trying to understand. You may want to read books for partners of women who have been abused, or even consider going to therapy to work through your own feelings around this. One of the problems of a sexually abusive relationship is that saying no is not often an option. Beyond needing to work through her own feelings, your girlfriend may subconsciously need to know you will still love her when she needs you to stop. You may want to work out strategies for when you are together – switching activities, always asking before progressing to a more sexual activity, even taking time out to cuddle can help.
Don’t forget that you have needs, too. It is not fair for you to insist your gf be intimate with you. But, it is fair for you to ask that you both take steps to work through this, whether that be talking honestly, going to counseling, working on safe touches, or what-have-you.
Unfortunately, these things can take time, and will need to accept the fact that your girlfriend may never be as comfortable with physical intimacy as you’d like. Especially during the healing process, sex may need to be off-limits.
I’ve been in your gf’s shoes. It was important for me to know that my girlfriend didn’t blame me, didn’t think less of me, and wasn’t disappointed in me. She gave me a lot of love and time. Personally, it helps me to keep in very close contact during sex — seeing her face and hearing her voice make me feel better because they draw me into the present and remind me that I’m with someone I love and trust. She moves slowly and always asks permission. After a couple of years, I can still be triggered accidentally, but it happens less and less as we’ve built up more happy memories.
I wish we had never had to deal with this to begin with, but I feel our relationship is stronger because of it. And I know that I appreciate her love and kindness even more. She’s given me a great gift.
good luck to both of you
#7
Why are you waiting for things to fall through? Be bold! Tell this girl why she would be better off with you and ask her to choose you. Cheating and deception is pure sleazy Hell. Don’t do that. Ask her to join you in an honest relationship. And respect her choice. If she stays with her current girl, you need to move on.
Biggest coincidence of the day; I read the title of this post EXACTLY AT THE SAME TIME as that guy in the Ally comercial asks the little girls if they want ponies and he gives one a toy pony and one a real one, you know it…
GAH the pony in that commercial is ADORBS. Now I want another pony. Wait, no. I’m already cut off.
Be careful, friends. Ponies are addictive. Like kittens. Don’t become a crazy cat lady. Or a crazy pony lady. Know your limit.
8. So I have a crush on this girl, who I know at the very least finds me attractive but she is an open relationship. What do I do?
Jade really had it when she asked all those questions, but don’t waste too much time reflecting on only your own thoughts. ASK HER. “Open relationship” means something different for every couple. For me, it meant sex but no feelings. For other people, it means kissing but no sex. Her different limits place limits on what you can ask.
The most important thing to remember is that her primary relationship comes first. Always. You will need to be understanding if she says “hey, not isn’t a good time to hook up” or “hey, by gf/bf doesn’t want me to see you as much.” You do not have a right to ask her to change her relationship.
After talking to her, think about your own boundaries. If this sounds like something you can handle (NOT simply suffer/cope with), then go for it! Just be sure to check in with yourself often to make sure it’s still healthy and fun.
# 10,
Yeah, private message. I’m in a relationship with someone I met on OKC, and we opened up to each other very quickly and naturally via messaging. Don’t feel like you have to dance around the subject- if it feels right, bring it up in the early stages of getting to know them. It’s not misleading; people understand (or should) that there are important aspects of a person that don’t really fit into a neat little profile box. Good luck!
#2 I had a breast reduction 1.5 years ago and it was the best choice I made. Like you, I’m thin but had large boobs. After a long time thinking about it I realized that I’d be more confident, clothes would fit be better, sports would be easier..and in general it would be better! And you know what, it is! I did it for me and only me and Im so glad I did.
Ok, you guys. I’m #7 and yesterday she told me that she doesn’t want me because she has her girlfriend. Even though I could make her happy and am fabulous etc. Which I don’t understand at all. I cried for like 2 hours because I feel like no one ever wants me and girls always choose anyone else but me. Except whenever I ask it’s never me or anything I do or say, not because I’m genderqueer or anything tangible/palpable/visible. So I don’t get it. All I ever try to do is be pure and honest. I open myself up and trust completely, always to be kicked in the ribs by a hot girl wearing steel-toed boots. Please help. Because I have tried so hard to change and be better and be nicer and everything. Nothing works and I am forever unlovable.
Wow..This isn’t really something I can just “make better” with a witty or even insightful comment..I don’t think there’s anyone here who hasn’t been where you are..It sucks..Plain and simple..But why are you trying to change? So you can be what someone else wants versus who you are..You’re authentic self? That won’t help..It won’t be real, because you won’t be real..Sadly, you started on the wrong foot here with someone who was already involved..Happily or unhappily, she was currently committed elsewhere and that is always messy..Someone always gets hurt..And really, do you want to start a relationship by ending someone else’s? If she’s unhappy it’s up to her to fix that..You need to take care of you..Clearly you are loveable..You feel things deeply..You’re not afraid to show it..You have worth and value..Don’t limit yourself, and don’t waste your time and effort on someone who can’t or wont give you what you need..There are lots of women out there feeling this right now as well..Somewhere out there, is the girl for you..You need to stop beating yourself up and focus on making yourself happy for now..Love WILL come to you..You can’t force it though..Relax a bit..Let yourself off the hook and just be for awhile..Stay pure..Stay honest..It will come..I’m never wrong about these things..I thought I was once..But I was mistaken..You will find happiness sweet girl..I can feel it
#2:
Like you, I am relatively thin with large breasts; I recently jumped up a cup size and am a 28FF. This sounds huge but it’s equivalent to the 34DD Victoria’s Secret kept trying to sell me, because for them cup sizes magically stop at DD.
I know your question is about reduction, but if the reason you would get a reduction is for physical discomfort I *highly* recommend getting measured by an experienced fitter at a specialty lingerie shop (not VS). A properly fitting bra is like magic and can actually make your boobs look smaller but in a good, perky kind of way instead of flattened out and weird. If you don’t have access to a good fitter there are also really good online resources for calculating size, like the bra calculator at A Sophisticated Pair. Of course, it all comes down to the bra: if it fits, it fits, and the numbers and letters on the tags don’t really mean anything.
Though the right fit has helped me be more body comfortable, it’s not like it’s a total fix for all the social pressure that comes with having a sexualized body part, or for any gender identity stuff that you may have going on. So all I can say on that front is that other comments are more insightful about those issues and also to encourage you to be down with your bad self.