29 Foods My Girlfriend’s Cat Would Like to Cook for Me

Hello and welcome to this thing we’re doing where we help you figure out what you’re gonna put in your mouth this week. Some of these are recipes we’ve tried, some of these are recipes we’re looking forward to trying, all of them are fucking delicious. Tell us what you want to put in your piehole or suggest your own recipes, and we’ll talk about which things we made, which things we loved, and which things have changed us irreversibly as people. Last week, Carmen gave us 36 one-pan and one-pot recipes. 

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Are you pursuing the object of your affection, wondering what the best way is to woo her and make her yours? I have some advice for you! Make soothing noises. Approach slowly, palms outstretched, radiating love. Maybe pet her head. This is, I believe, how I got my girlfriend! The same approach has gotten me absolutely nowhere with her cat.

Meet Kairi:

cat

As far as I can tell, we have two significant interests in common: her owner (my girlfriend), and food. I haven’t succeeded in winning Kairi over yet, but mark my words: someday, she’s going to come around. I’ll walk into the room and she won’t immediately run in the opposite direction. I’ll call her name and she won’t cower and hide under the bed. Oh, what a glorious day that will be!

Kairi can’t cook (as far as I know…) but if she could, I imagine she’d want to use her skills in celebration of our newfound friendship. What better way to demonstrate her love than by cooking up a nice homemade meal? Below, I’ve collected some recipes that (way, way deep down) I think my girlfriend’s cat would secretly like to cook me.*

1. Smoked Salmon Scrambled Eggs

My girlfriend makes these really killer breakfast potatoes. And pancakes. And mimosas. I can only assume that Kairi wants to get in on the action of winning my heart forever via making us breakfast while I do absolutely nothing.

2. Eggs Benedict with Salmon and Caviar

3. Catnip Tea

Did you know this was a thing?!

4. Tuna Tataki

5. Traditional Scottish Lox Salmon Open Faced Sandwich

6. Tuna Steak with Brandy Sauce

7. Gravlax with Caraway, Coriander and Mustard-Dill Sauce

8. Tuna Cakes

I picked this one because it kind of looks like wet food for cats. But in like, a tasty way.

9. Gin and Tonic Cured Salmon

10. Easy Citrus Lobster Salad

lobster-avocado-grapefruit-salad-easy

11. Poached Egg Soup

bowl

Carolyn: “Sometimes, though, you need actual food that doesn’t really feel like actual food. That’s where this soup comes in. It’s hot, fragrant and totally void of scratchy textures or sharp edges. It’s also simple enough to make when you don’t feel like moving and complicated enough to give you a sense of accomplishment anyway.”

I have never heard a recipe that sounds like it would be more appealing to a cat.

12. Tuna Tartare Taco Bites

13. Masterclass Tempura Prawns

Probably without the wasabi, though.

14. Birds Nest Pasta

15. Shiso Tobiko (Flying Fish Roe) Spaghetti

16. Risotto of Celtic Crab and Cardigan Bay Prawns

17. Mouse Egg

18. Deviled Egg Chicks

Context: my girlfriend has a mohawk named Thaddeus.

19. Deviled Eggs with Confit Tuna, Olives, Tomato and Olive Oil

20. Fancy Smoked Oyster Dip

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July Westhale: “Are you dreaming of throwing a big-budget party on a teacher’s salary? Fantasizing about Gatsby’s glitz while pocketing that non-profit paycheck? Working the seasonal grind just to get discounts? Never fear! Fancy redemption is possible, and it comes in a little, inexpensive can.”

I hear cats love fancy foods that come in cans.

21. Rahmschnitzel (German Schnitzel with Mushroom Cream Sauce)

22. Tuna Burger

23. Perfect Roast Chicken

My girlfriend and I made this recipe last weekend and it was great! The chicken came out very tasty, and we both got to feel fancy and highly accomplished for what amounted to not even 15 straight minutes of work in the kitchen. Definitely going to make this again.

24. Cream Cheese Tuna Dip

25. Cranberry Tuna Salad On Apple Slices

26. Smoked Salmon Macarons

Are you also picturing my girlfriend’s cat drinking catnip tea and daintily nibbling at a platter of these macarons? Good. Me too.

27. Rum Cream Sauce

And now I’m picturing Kairi selflessly pushing a saucer full of cream towards me, with her little kitty paws. “No, you go ahead. Have as much as you want,” she’ll emote in my direction. “I’ll just lick the bowl afterwards.”

28. Mice Cookies

Obviously she would not be trying any of these. Chocolate is bad for cats.

29. Catnip Gelato

*Note: these recipes are all for human consumption, and some of the ingredients may not be safe for cats. If you’re looking for pet treat recipes, we have a separate list for that!

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Laura Mandanas

Laura Mandanas is a Filipina American living in Boston. By day, she works as an industrial engineer. By night, she is beautiful and terrible as the morn, treacherous as the seas, stronger than the foundations of the Earth. All shall love her and despair. Follow her: @LauraMWrites.

Laura has written 210 articles for us.

26 Comments

  1. I wish I could have found a way to inspire our cats to do some cooking while they were still with us. I’ll have to invite our next fur persons into the kitchen for some gastronomic adventures once we finally move to our “feet first” home, hopefully, in a few months.
    Thanks, Laura for the inspiration.

  2. Given how charmed I am by this article, maybe you should just have Kairi read this article and her heart will be yours.

  3. What Weetzie Bat wants:

    1. Whatever you are having
    2. Floor Cheerios
    3. What you are having, but on your plate, not in her dish.

    This list does make me fantasize about being a Paltrow-esque wunderkind and making elaborate meals for my kitties, so well done :D

  4. This list made me realise just how much I love smoked salmon in all its forms….and now I want it!
    Also my dog would love this list, her desperation to eat fish makes me wonder even more if she is part cat. She’d love anyone who brought her any of these…they wouldn’t love her once the gas started though… Blork.

  5. This cat sounds super pretentious, what New Yorker would dare call a bagel with the works a ‘Lox Salmon Open Faced Sandwich’? ;)

  6. #26!!

    I can absolutely guarantee that my cat would love all those salmon and tuna recipes and would come running to the kitchen as soon as I started cooking. Tip: save the liquid from canned fish to use as broth and/or give to cats.

      • That gif makes me happy.
        Oddly enough, my cat doesn’t really care for catnip. But she goes crazy over the slightest sound of the can opener (NOT an electric can opener, mind you, but she can nevertheless hear it from anywhere in the apartment).

  7. Back when I was eating meat, I use to get from Trader Joes their frozen salmon burgers, that cooked nicely(IMHO) with coconut rum.

  8. I knew I was in it for the long haul when my boo’s incredibly floofy and somewhat grumpy cat let me touch his stomach for half a second.

  9. Ugh these all look so good how can I get my roommate’s cat to cook these meals for me instead of just running in between my feet every time I try to walk down the hallway???

  10. Up until the rahmschnitzel this list looked like some sort of high faluting Lenten Friday brunch menu.
    And I must say the deviled egg chicks would be super cute real food for an Easter or even an Eostre get together. Usually the cute stuff is sugary proteinless sweets which is fine, but a body gets hungry chasing little people around.

  11. Im so envious of anyone who could actually make all this! I wish my cat could cook, because i sure as hell cant!!?

    • @acim I feel like a lot of these recipes look fancier than they really are! Many don’t even require cooking, just grocery shopping + assembly. :)

  12. True story, I ate smoked salmon and scrambled eggs pretty much every morning when I visited Ireland. Glad to have this recipe!

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