They flash forward in time because that haircut is ridiculous, and Cathy’s hair is now grown out into an adorable bob. She practices ballet in the attic while Chris paints something that is definitely not his sister’s boobs. They start wrestling and start horning up because they’re teens with no one else to rub against.
Cathy and Chris decide to repel down the side of the house because this just occurred to them. Why didn’t you do this last year? How long have you been in the attic? I could really use some time markers for this movie. They climb to the ground like they’re fucking Batman and Robin and go swimming in the lake in their underwear.
After they swim, a fawn approaches them and eats out of their hand. It is sweet, innocent and natural because METAPHOR.
Also, Cory find a mouse in a trap and they keep it as a pet. From Flowers in the Attic to Flowers for Algernon.
Corrine shows up weeks and weeks later and tells the kids she married Bart Winslow and was on a honeymoon in Europe. Also, he doesn’t know you exist, so don’t be too noisy, mmkay? Chris finally turns on his mother and breaks the magnifying glass she got him. Corrine doesn’t understand what the big deal is; they have a room, a picnic basket, and an attic. They’re practically spoiled!
Cathy is like, we are practically grown, we need to get the fuck out of here. Grandma brings them powdered donuts and tells them it’s from Corrine, but warns them not to eat them.
Cathy and Chris watch the sweet little deer from the window and talk about what to do. Just then, someone shoots the deer with a fucking rifle. It might be time to get the fuck of there.
Ugh, this movie feels like it’s a million hours long. Maybe it’s because the entire thing takes place in an attic? Yeah, that’s probably it. Also, it’s fucking terrible. What else happens?
Grandma whips Christopher for just existing. Cathy cleans his wounds and they kiss. Well, I’m surprised it took this long. This is the most incest-favoring situation since The Blue Lagoon. Go for it kids, nothing matters and life is meaningless.
The next time Grandma visits, Chris begs for forgiveness/makes a soap mold of the attic key. He then carves the key out of wood and they make a plan: before they escape they need money, so they’ll spend the next several weeks sneaking down to Corrine’s room and stealing her spare change.
They sneak into Corrine’s room and Cathy puts on her mom’s lingerie and make-up, because why not? Nothing is sexier than dressing up as the mom you both came from! They also find an old timey Kama Sutra book…yay, more porn!
Meanwhile, a fence is being put up around the property. An electric fence. Not nearly as fun as an electric slide. Chris and Cathy decide to amp up their creepy relationship by calling each other “doll.” Cathy sneaks into Corrine’s room and sees Bart asleep. She decides to kiss him so she can pick up some hot tips to bring back to Chris.
Chris overhears Bart telling Corrine that A) someone’s stealing money and B) he had a wet dream about a little girl kissing him. Both Corrine and Chris know who that girl is. Chris runs upstairs and yells at Cathy for kissing an old man/cheating on him/giving them up.
At this point in the book, Chris rapes Cathy. Lifetime decides to make it a consensual sex scene. I mean, I’m fine with this, I don’t want to see kids raping kids or anybody raping anybody else for that matter. It’s bad enough that this horrible movie is assaulting my eyeballs.
Meanwhile, Cory is sick. Because there is poison in the donuts. I mean, living in an attic can’t be good for you, but those donuts are obviously poisoned. Chris and Cathy demand that Corrine take him to the hospital, and stop being such a monster. Corrine slaps Cathy and Cathy slaps her right back.
Grandma agrees they should take him to the hospital, and Corrine scoops up Cory and leaves. She comes back later to tell them that he had pneumonia and died, whomp whomp. And he’s been buried, so it’s all taken care off. Carrie starts crying and everyone is like, it’s time to go now.
The kids decide to leave that night. They go down to rob mom one last time, but all her shit is cleared out. The only things left behind are a picture of daddy uncle, a necklace, and Cathy’s poop diamond ring. Chris starts coughing and looks sick. He sneaks into the study to steal some more stuff, but hides when a butler and a maid come in.
The servants deliver some solid exposition, including the fact that Grandpa died seven months ago! Oh shit, these kids are never leaving this fucking attic!
Meanwhile, Carrie aka the fucking five year old, figured out that the donuts are poison after she feeds the mouse and it dies. Carrie is the only person in this movie who A) knows how fucked up the situation is and B) has wanted out since day one. Also, she is five.
Chris sneaks by Grandma’s room to see her brushing out a wig. Turns out Grandma is bald and creepy, but if the Foxworths are really richer than God, then why is her wig so shitty?
Grandma shows up just as the kids are planning to make their escape, and calls them abominations/stains on the Lord/devil spawn yadayada. Chris has had enough and pushes Grandma into the stairs by the attic, where Grandma starts to have a claustrophobia attack.
Claustrophobia attack. On the stairs. With the door open. With the other door in plain sight. Really? It was that easy? All this time they just had to get granny near some stairs? Is she afraid of the dark?
Grandma tells them that it was Corrine who poisoned the donuts, not her. Sure, she’ll imprison you, beat you and starve you, but she’s not a murderer. It’s good to have boundaries.
Cathy tags the bricks and she, Chris, and Carrie climb down the window and into the yard.
The kids make their escape out the window and are stopped by the groundskeeper with the rifle. Uh oh, will this be an actual obstacle in their escape? Noppity nope nope. They tell him they are Corrine’s children and he’s like, um ok, see ya later incest gators!
I like that instead of helping these obviously sick and tortured children, he’s like, get out of here. What about child services? What about suing for legal emancipation? What about making noise in that fucking attic so the servants could hear you and call a responsible adult?
The kids jump on a train and head off into the sunset. But Cathy’s voiceover tells us one day they’ll run into their mother again. REVENGE! Meanwhile, Grandma is still stuck in the attic.
Well, that was awful. Join me next week, for LIZZIE BORDEN TOOK AN AXE! It’s got Christina Ricci AND Clea Duvall. Maybe they’ll make out. Just kidding they play sisters. ALTHOUGH WHY NOT KEEP THE INCEST TRAIN CHUGGING ALONG. Lizzie Borden Took An Axe airs on Lifetime Movie Saturday at 8/7c!
I need a sanitizing hand wipe for my soul, you guys.