Faking It Episode 309 Recap: So Can We Be Girlfriends?

Hello and welcome to the ninth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about what happens when you turn a maxi dress into a mini pad! This finger lickin’ good program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Singled Out, the best game show of all time.

We open in Amy’s den of sin and martyrdom, where she’s engaging in some heavy over-the-clothes petting with her best Amiga, Sabrina. The two hungry teenagers paw at each other’s buttons and apparent double-bra situations like cats vaguely interested in having lunch, while cooing about how the past four days have been incredible and magical! Aw man.

Then who should interrupt but Farrah, wanting to know if the ladies are bringing dates to her Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party. Like maybe… you know… Felix? NOPE, says Amy. NOPE No Felix, no dates, no persons of interest. Farrah’s not buying it, ’cause she says Amy’s seemed ESPECIALLY happy lately, so there must be somebody! The girls, amused with themselves, deny the accusations, but when Farrah dips out, Amy dips in: she knows Sabrina’s not ready to come out to her imaginary parents or any other persons from her vacant backstory, but Amy doesn’t like lying to her Mom or Karma. Sabrina agrees to let this exclusive circle in on their deal, but is nervous about Karma. Amy insists there’s nothing Karma could say that’d come between them! I can’t wait to find out what Karma’s gonna say to come between them!

Java the Jamhouse Hey Jude Don’t Be A Steamed Milk You Were Made To Go Out and Mooooo-cha: Karma’s convinced that Sabrina’s only pretending to be a lesbian in order to sink her claws deeper into Amy’s tender label-free skin, but Felix thinks Karma sounds crazy and refuses to partake in Karma’s anti-Sabrina campaign.

Like a flash of light from a far away star colony, Amy rushes into the Coffee Haus, burning to tell Karma about Sabrina questioning her sexuality and slipping Amy the tongue. Amy knows Karma’s not president of the Sabrina Fan Club, but she really hopes Karma won’t talk trash about Sabrina or try to talk Amy out of being in this thing that makes her so so so so happy! Karma’s like WHO ME NOPE. HAHAHAHA What was I thinking where was I oops so spacey!!! I just want you to be happy!!!

LAUREN & LIAM’S LAIR: NO MORE ONE-NIGHT STANDS IN MY APARTMENT, LIAM, THIS IS NOT A BROTHEL AND YOU DO NOT PAY RENT AND THAT GIRL BROKE MY MUG AND WANTED COFFEE AND THIS IS NOT A COFFEE SHOP FOR ONE-NIGHT STANDS. NO ONE-NIGHT STANDS LIAM HOW HARD IS THAT.

WELL LAUREN EVERYBODY BESIDES MONKS HAVE ONE-NIGHT STANDS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND HAVE BOYS OVER SO THAT YOU CAN STOP “SLUT-SHAMING” ME BECAUSE I AM A VICTIM.

Lauren: Do you know how hard it is to find a handsome athletic ambitious young libertarian who wears khakis that actually fit and is comfortable with a strong woman?

Does anybody know if Kelly Clarkson wears khakis that actually fit? E-mail me.

Band Room: The Band Room has a nice rug that I want for my band room! Shane and Noah are gonna have sex tomorrow! Not tonight, because of the HO HO HO party and the Reiki Healing Test, but tomorrow. Yup for sure tomorrow! It’s a sex date!

Hester High’s World-Famous Cafeteria Common Area Situation With Vitamin Water: Karma gives Sabrina a piece of her mind about playing with Amy’s heart and emotions, but Sabrina insists there’s nothing fake about their relationship and she won’t let Karma fuck it up by being a jealous paranoid bitch.

Sabrina accuses Karma of accusing her of killing Tupac and storms out, leaving her CELL PHONE behind. Yeah, the phone a boy called her on and she had to tuck away while Karma was yelling at her. That phone.

Liam’s unclear on why Shane hasn’t slipped Noah the salami yet and Shane is dying inside ’cause he can’t talk to Liam about Noah being trans. Instead, Shane demands details on Liam’s sex life, which Liam admits is over ’cause Lauren doesn’t have a sexy sexy sex life of her own to drown out the moans and growls from his one-night ladies.

Shane suggests they find her a new man, but Liam says her standards are too high — and, as if on cue, we meet PRESTON, wearing tight khakis and arguing with Penelope Delia Fisher about why there’s no Libertarian club at Hester Homo High School For Hedonists. SCORE.

Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party: Amy reveals her relationship with Sabrina to her Mom, and her Mom’s totes cool!

In fact, Farrah has ALSO reconnected with somebody from her past and he’s here right now at this very party! Turns out Farrah’s new/old flame, Ron, is a criminal who steals and lies and Amy is not at all thrilled about his return to their fiesta.

Meanwhile, Amy summons Felix to her lair to demand he hack into Sabrina’s phone.

Felix is no Caleb, unfortunately, and instead fate must jailbreak the phone — Evan, Sabrina’s obvious boyfriend, rings his lady to let her know he’s in town and on his way to her place and Karma answers, pretending to be Sabrina, and asks him to meet them at the Brew-and-Chew-You in five minutes! Probably there’s gonna be like a jazz quartet thing tonight and she doesn’t wanna miss it. Who doesn’t love a nice jazz quartet and a warm cup of java.

Back at the Ho-Ho-Hoagie Party, Amy’s determined to prove that Ron is still a terrible person who gets his girlfriends involved in Pyramid schemes and is overall a lying manipulative asshat. Sabrina’s like, “What if it was just a little lie that got out of hand and now he really likes her? What if he’s changed?” Yup — so Sabrina was lying about her sexuality… but then she fell for Amy anyhow. WATCH AND LEARN, KARMA.

Meanwhile, Lauren shows up with lesbian twins she calls “New Lisbeth.” She delivers strict orders on how to improve her Instagram game by taking lots of glamorous candids where she looks “relateably fabulous.”

But look out, Lisbeths: Liam’s brought Preston to the party, and it doesn’t take long for him and Lauren to hit it off on the topic of American exceptionalism and manifest destiny. Sparks are flying this evening, ladies, but Shane’s in a tizzy about Noah’s vagina and is coping by making Leila answer weird questions about peppermint bark.

Shane: Suppose you absolutely adore candy canes and you don’t think you even liked peppermint bark, but then you find some peppermint bark you really wanna eat, does this mean you’re a peppermint bark person now and not a candy cane person?
Leila: I’m not allowed to have processed sugar.

Sigh.

Out in the dark mean streets of Austin, Karma and Felix are on a mission to meet this Evan fellow and get the DL on his LOL. Evan, who kind of seems like the personification of a soap commercial, is surprised when two strangers plop down at his table, claim to be Australian tourists, and have a lot of questions about his girlfriend Sabrina. Evan isn’t fooled and demands to know who they are and what they want. Karma says there’s something he needs to know about Sabrina.

Gosh these kids! Proper etiquette in this situation would be for Karma to go directly to Sabrina, say “we know you have a boyfriend,” and give her a chance to explain and then tell her she has to go talk to Amy about it or they will. But nobody asked me!

At the HO HO HO HO HO Holiday Party, Shane’s using mambo metaphors to discuss his fear that he might be bad at PIV sex, but Ron just wants to sell him a timeshare in South Padre Island. It has a spa tub and a sauna, so. Amy spots this salesmanship from across the room and is horrified, but Sabrina wonders if maybe, you know, he’s just “really excited about his investment.”

Amy beelines for her mother to reveal Ron’s continued investment in unfortunate investment schemes but Sabrina really has something to tell Amy right this minute! Amy says she’ll have to put that thought on hold so the episode can play out in a way that will enable her to end up with Felix. So Amy goes to her Mom and says Ron is selling timeshares to her friends. Farrah tries to play it off as him being kind and generous, but Amy’s not buying it: she tells Farrah not to settle for somebody who’s really into Herbalife and patio furniture, the right guy could still be out there! She really goes for the gold by relaying how she, 16-year-old Amy, had almost given up hope herself until Sabrina came into her life! See! Now she’s finally found the right one! It’s Sabrina! Oh man.

Liam tells Shane to stop with the metaphors and go talk to Noah about whatever the hell it is that Shane can’t say to Liam.

Lauren’s hit it off with Preston until he lets slip that Liam said they’d be a good match, which immediately turns Lauren off.

She marches over to Liam to tell him she doesn’t need his matchmaking skills, especially if they only exist to enable him to do the horizontal mambo with a series of strangers from the Niagara Falls area. After all, her list of requirements doesn’t end with libertarian, it ends with — “someone who can accept me for being different without treating me like I’m different.” Guys like that don’t walk in the door every day, Lauren points out. So then you know… a guy like that walks through the door.

…with a lady.

Who invited Theo to this party??? Welp, Lauren wants to leave and Liam’s eager to grab her and skedaddle, but Theo stops them on their way out. He wants to apologize — he didn’t know his “girlfriend’s work party” was the world-famous Farrah Fawcett Amy Timeshare Ho Ho Ho Holiday Party! So Lauren does what any self-conscious girl with a lot of pride would do in this situation — says Liam’s her boyfriend and they’ve got a few more parties to hit up so… bye!

Upstairs, Amy finds Sabrina looking for her phone. This girl must be even less popular than me, how has she just now noticed that her phone is missing? Amy apologizes for all that “right one” stuff down there, she doesn’t wanna pressure Sabrina into being in a normal lesbian relationship. You know, the kind where we have feelings too fast and act on them immediately. But Sabrina’s down: she feels the same way about Amy. When Amy asks what Sabrina wanted to tell her earlier, Sabrina’s got only this: “Just that I don’t want to lose you.”

“Me neither,” says Amy. “So can we be girlfriends?”

“Yes, please,” says Sabrina.

AMY AND SABRINA ARE GIRLFRIENDS! It’s cute they seem genuinely happy. If only they weren’t ensnared in a web of lies and probably near death from E Coli poisoning. That last one is just a theory. Sabrina is really pretty.

Outside on this cool Texas evening, Felix and Karma are processing their encounter with Evan, who did not take the news well. Felix is sorry for doubting Karma, now he realizes she just cares a lot about Amy. Also, that thing about Karma being jealous ’cause she wanted to make out with Amy was just another dream sequence kiss, so. Felix volunteers to break the news, just in case Amy kills the messenger, we won’t be down another lady in the cast.

Then Karma puts her hand on Felix’s hand and asks if he’s worried about it hurting his chances with Amy. They smile and fidget awkwardly and he says he thinks he’ll be okay. OH MAN.

Shane has summoned Noah to his home using teevee magic and now here they are, ready to hook up! Shane admits he’s been nervous and wants to talk about it, and Noah divulges his own nervousness, admitting he’s never done this before. Then Shane confesses that he’s been worried that having sex with Noah would mean he’d “lose his gay card,” and Noah turns cold immediately, saying “I’m a gay man, Shane. If you don’t see me as fully male, then maybe we shouldn’t date. ”

Shane says the words came out wrong and he does want to date, but it’s too late: Noah’s walking out. NICE ONE, SHANE.

LIAM AND LAUREN’S LAIR: So, guess who has like ten billion new Insta followers and a trending hashtag #booper? That’s right, the internet’s hottest new couple: Lauren and Liam. OH MAN.

Ho Ho Ho, Amy and Sabrina tumble down the stairs hand in hand, so excited to be girlfriends for the next 45 seconds!

Because Felix and Karma show up with something Amy doesn’t wanna hear, but before she can not hear it, Evan shows up, looking for Sabrina.

Sabrina comes out with her two cups of eggnog, her two sad cups of egg nog!, finding Evan, “So, you’re a lesbian now?”

Amy’s furious and Sabrina begs for a chance to explain.

Amy: You’ve been lying this whole time? Why?
Karma: So she could get closer to you to push me out.
Amy: Is this true?
Sabrina: Technically at first, but that’s just because Karma was —

Sabrina wants to confess her true deep feelings for Amy but it’s okay, that’s not where this is going.

Instead Amy says she never wants to see Sabrina again and thanks Karma for saving her. They hug. They cry. We all do, a little bit, inside. Also I hate how shows do this! When somebody fucks with me, I literally could spend the rest of my LIFE listening to them explain themselves. TELL ME EVERYTHING, ASSHAT. Plus, there’s always the chance that the explanation could involve them still being into me, but just going about it in an evil way, which is nice to know for the ego, you know?

Jesus Christ.