Welcome to the eighth recap of the third season of Faking It, a show about that time it rained so hard that my house floated away on a river and eventually docked on a distant port just in time for a lesbian whale-watching cruise. This program is brought to you by the same network that brought you Pimp My Ride, which was also about my house floating away.

I’m sorry this recap is many hours late and honestly, several dollars short. It’s been a really stressful week!! BUT I SURE HOPE WE CAN COME TOGETHER TO DISCUSS THIS SHITSHOW.


We open in Amy’s subconscious, okay? I’m just gonna do you the favor this show did NOT do me, and let you know straight-away where we are. Like say if you watched the Faking It mid-season trailer and saw this scene and thought it was a scene that would eventually transpire in this very narrative I want you to know that you were wrong. You were tricked. It is, indeed, a fucking g-damn DREAM, Y’ALL.

C'mon, just take my hand! We're off to never-never land!
C’mon, just take my hand! We’re off to never-never land!
You mean "Babeland," right?
You mean “Babeland,” right?

Yup, so, in Amy’s dream, Karma approaches her, says she’s identified the source of her jealousy, and then shares a series of intense but tongueless kisses with her best friend for life, donut and horror movie enthusiast Amy Raudenfield.

Hey-o!
Hey-o!

Then Amy’s like, “no! I cannot go back there with you!” at which point Karma turns into Sabrina, and there’s a wind machine, and it’s like this whole thing.

Come with me, Amy, I'm the only fake lesbian you need
Come with me, Amy, I’m the only fake lesbian you need
ok
ok

And then, of course… she wakes up!

WHOA. I Just had the worst nightmare about how every time I kiss a girl on this show, it turns out to be a dream sequence
WHOA. I just had the worst nightmare about how every time I kiss a girl on this show, it turns out to be a dream sequence

Cut to Java the Hutbucks, where a tiny sign on the cabana indicates we are merely seven days away from Christmas, my favorite holiday! Even though I’m Jewish. Anyhow, Amy admits to Shane, who says this situation reminds him WAY too much of that other situation, that Sabrina admitted to Amy that she had a “sexy female dream of her own.”

I KNEW it, I KNEW it was you
I KNEW IT! I knew it was your lipstick that messed up an entire load of laundry!
caption
Uh, what brand of lesbian do you think I am? That was tinted chapstick!

Karma shows up and is alarmed to see that Amy is wearing her “crush boots,” which kill Amy’s tender golden arches but are also really good at seducing people. She demands Shane reveal who Amy’s dressing up for — IS IT SABRINA??!!! Karma says Amy’s gonna get her heart broken again but Shane refuses comment, instead shoving a taco into his mouth. An actual taco.


Lauren’s Lovely Lair: LIAM, PUT DOWN THE BABY JESUS. PUT IT DOWN. THIS IS A CHRISTMAS HOUSE, NOT A HANUKKAH HOUSE. ALSO IF IT’S REALLY 7 DAYS BEFORE X-MAS, CHANCES ARE VERY GOOD THAT HANUKKAH HAS ALREADY BEGUN.

Okay, sure I can see how this might make the tree a little top-heavy but I don't know why you won't at leas t let me TRY
Okay, sure I can see how subbing this in for an angel might make the tree a little top-heavy but I don’t know why you won’t at least let me TRY
Just because you're the only one who can reach the top of the tree doesn't mean you're the only one who can knock it over and crush you to death with it
Just because you’re the only one who can reach the top of the tree doesn’t mean you’re the only one who can knock it over so it falls on top of your body and crushes you to death, buster

HERE LIAM, YOU CAN HAVE ONE SQUARE FOOT FOR YOUR MENORAH AND YOUR DREIDELS, OKAY? ONE SQUARE FOOT. MHM. HAVE SOME TINY PIECES OF GELT. LIKE DIME-SIZED GELT. MAYBE FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE THAT ONE SQUARE FOOT LAST FOR EIGHT SQUARE FEET, OR SOMETHING.


Back at Hester Heathen High For High Kicks and Fun Times, Amy and Sabrina are figuring out whether or not Sabrina is an Ellen Page type or a Portia De Rossi type, which’s tough to figure out because Sabrina isn’t gay.

Listen, I think we both know when you say "Portia De Rossi type" you're asking if I'm into you
Just come over later and help me file my nails, okay?

Also WHERE did they find this rare print edition of Autostraddle.com?

Just wanted you all to see this xoxo
Just wanted you all to see this xoxo

Amy suggests they hit up LeZ-BINGO, which must be taking place in Fantasyland, but before Sabrina can excuse herself, Karma slides in like a wet banana and suggests something Sabrina wants to do even less: attend movie-oake as the Three Amigas! They’re doing Mean Girls and Sabrina would be so good at it, because she is a mean girl! Sabrina and Amy lie very poorly regarding their plans for this evening and Karma buys it because she is a goldfish.

Karma warns Sabrina against doing anything that might lead Amy on. Unfortuanetly, Sabrina is a heartless bitch.

No, that's not possible. Amy hates anal.
No, that’s not possible. Amy hates anal.
Correction. Amy hates anal WITH YOU.
Correction. Amy hates anal WITH YOU.

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Elsewhere in this institution of secondary education, Shane and Noah are linking pinkies and gazing into each other’s eyeballs when Karma interrupts just in time for Noah to duck out of the convo because, as Shane tells Karma, Noah always ducks out when things get sexually suggestive. Maybe he has IBS.

Are you guys having lesbian sex???
Are you boys having lesbian sex???
Errrr pretty sure this isn't how lesbian sex works, Karma
Errrr pretty sure this isn’t how lesbian sex works, Karma

Shane wonders if Noah’s not out yet, but Karma says at least he’s got something to be out ABOUT, unlike Amy’s crush, Sabrina McStraightypants. Then Karma has an idea! She’ll try to save Amy from the fake lesbian storyline by pushing her further towards the boyfriend storyline! She casts a determined glance in Felix’s direction. Felix always seems a little bit confused that he’s even on this show, you know?

Having Brian Krakow-ish thoughts
Having Brian Krakow-ish thoughts

Out in the previously cheery outdoor hallways of the Hester Hippie Hoe-Down, Penelope Delia Fisher is ripping down mistletoe like the motherfucking Grinch and declaring that Christmas Break is cancelled because um, it’s offensive. To somebody. Hypothetically.

C'mon, really? You want me to put those cheap IKEA lights back up?
C’mon, really? You want me to put those cheap IKEA lights back up?
"Those cheap IKEA lights" are from Overstock.com, bitch. And they were NOT cheap.
“Those cheap IKEA lights” are from Overstock.com, bitch. And they were NOT cheap.

Penelope: In an ideal world, everybody would just wear labels that told us how NOT to offend them. But they don’t!
Lauren: What if they did? If we can get everyone to label themselves, can we get our holidays back?

Penelope’s unclear on how, exactly, that could be “pulled off.” I’m unclear on how, exactly, you could cancel holiday break a few days before holiday break. Surely these fancy students have so many scarves in their wardrobe for a reason and that reason is probably “Colorado” or “Vermont.” Can’t wait to find out what the point of this weird plot device might be!


Karma locates Felix hanging out by himself in a Grandpa sweater and tells him it’s time to begin wooing Amy ’cause we’re a mere two weeks away from the end of his No-Dating period. The End Of Felix’s No-Dating Period has arrived much sooner than I expected!

Guess who just got a pirated copy of Season Two of The Great British Bake-Off ?
Guess who just got a pirated copy of Season Two of The Great British Bake-Off ?

You know when you have that terrible date in your future that you’re dreading, like “the day taxes are due” or “the day you have to drive all the way to Warren so your doctor can make you feel bad about yourself”? That’s how I feel about The End of Felix’s No-Dating Period. It was so far away it almost didn’t exist, and I got through the days just forgetting that day would ever come, just pushing it right on out of my mind…. and now here it is! Right before our very eyes! My stomach hurts just thinking about it! I thought it would never come!


Good news: Liam and Lauren have come together to institute mandatory labeling ’cause obviously they didn’t read Michelle Tea’s bizarre article in Cosmo last week. This new system will enable everybody to avoid offending each other by um… being really forthcoming about their identities? I cannot believe Lauren of all people is into this!

It's everybody's favorite party game, The Identity Booth! Where you have a chance to be whoever you want to be!
It’s everybody’s favorite party game, The Identity Booth! Where you have a chance to be whoever you want to be!
This is Liam. He picked the "ARTIST" label even though we all know most of his work are just photocopies of his own butt!
This is Liam. He picked the “ARTIST” label even though we all know most of his work is just photocopies of his own butt, stapled together and super-glued to giant planks of styrofoam!

All I can say is it should be a lot easier for Amy to find another lesbian at this school once this system gets put into practice… but will it?

Shane’s concerned this’ll make Noah uncomfortable, because Shane thinks Noah’s problem is not being out. Then Noah strolls up proudly displaying his “Gay” label and also “Musician.” This throws Shane off. What could Noah be hiding if it isn’t his homosexuality? There’s only one way to find out: following him home. Which leads to Liam and Shane rolling up outside a building called “Fitz’s Place,” which is where Fitz and Olivia hook up on the weekends and also where Noah has friends who he hugs and says hi to.

Okay I DEFINITELY hooked up with that guy at Tunnel last week
Okay I DEFINITELY hooked up with that guy at Tunnel last week

Welp, it turns out that Fitz’s Place is a shelter for LGBTQ youth that is so well-funded that a guy walks over to their car and knocks on Shane’s window to ask if they need a bed. 

Shane: Uh sorry, I’m taken and he’s straight.
Liam: Wait — what is this place?
Guy: A homeless shelter for LGBTQ youth.
Liam: Oh, uh, sorry. Our mistake. Thanks.
Shane: So now he’s cheating with a bunch of homeless guys! [pause] OHHHHHHHHHH.

Yeah, so this is intense and also thankfully not where I thought this story was going!


Amy’s front yard: much to absolutely nobody’s surprise, Karma thinks Felix’s best chance of snagging a New Year’s Eve date with Amy is to stand outside her window and PRETEND to play her a romantic tune on the guitar.

"Hey Soul Sister..."
“Hey Soul Sister…”
Nobody really likes that song, sorrry!!!
Nobody really likes that song, sorrry!!!

Karma will be hiding behind a tree playing the guitar herself to help Felix’s ploy. Alas, in a truly tragic turn of events, Farrah’s the only one subjected to a few lines of this undoubtedly epic ballad. She lets the kiddos know that Amy’s gone out for the evening with Sabrina. Felix and Karma are both sad, for different reasons.

Lauren’s Lair: NO WAY LAUREN, LIAM IS NOT GONNA WORK ANY MORE SHIFTS MAKING AND DISTRIBUTING LABELS! LABELS DON’T CELEBRATE DIFFERENCE THEY JUST MAKE PEOPLE FEEL ALIENATED.

ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR LABELS!
ON WEDNESDAYS WE WEAR LABELS!

WHO CARES ABOUT WINTER BREAK ANYHOW IT’S NOT LIKE LIAM HAS A FAMILY OR ANYBODY COULD GET TICKETS TO THE WIZARDING WORLD OF HARRY POTTER!


Back at Chez Fawcett, Amy and Sabrina arrive home, full of giggles and a Hitachi Magic Wand. They find Karma not-creepily awaiting their return, Dr. Evil-style.

First one to the bed gets the first "massage"!
First one to bed gets the first “massage”!
So that's what you've been using for anal, is it?
So that’s what you’ve been using for anal, is it?
Only thing I can't figure out is: why's it okay with a giant Hitachi, but not my very small pinky finger?
Only thing I can’t figure out is: why’s it okay with a giant Hitachi when Sabrina’s holding it, but not my very small pinky finger?
I'll be upstairs.
I’ll meet you upstaris.

Amy refuses to disclose where her and Sabrina spent the evening. Karma, who literally one hour ago was going to play guitar behind a tree in order to convince Amy that Felix was playing guitar on her lawn, tells Amy she thought they were past the secrets and lies! Amy says she’s got a tiny crush on Sabrina, but Karma’s not allowed to police her feelings, especially when they’re not about her. Karma, miffed, sees herself out, while meanwhile Sabrina sees everything because she’s a creeper.

Hey soooo the lube is ready if you are....?
Hey soooo the lube is ready if you are….?

Lauren’s still angling to use as much label paper as possible today, but Amy’s literally refusing to pick a label. Lauren demands of her, “You like guys, you like girls, just pick bisexual so we can have Christmas!”

Well, I've been stabbed in the breasts with seven poisonous buttons, AMY.
Well, I’ve been stabbed in the breasts with seven poisonous buttons, AMY.
I've been stabbed in the breasts with seven poisonous buttons!!!!
I can’t feel my legs
Please help me! Please remove these arrows from my chest!
Please help me! Please remove these poisonous buttons from my chest!
HELP ME YOU BITCH
HELP ME YOU BITCH!!!!

Liam’s also discarded his labels ’cause it turns out that the guy he thought was his Dad isn’t actually his Dad. Nice one, Intern Zita! So, there goes the Jewish storyline. If Liam can’t be Jewish, he won’t be anything! It’ll be anarchy! Now I’ve gone back to not having anything in common with Liam, besides a passion for fashion.

GOOD NEWS:

SUCK IT, GLEE!
SUCK IT, GLEE!

Shane tells Noah that it’s totally cool that he’s homeless, and Noah tells Shane that it’s totally not cool that Shane followed him home, BYE.

I'm sorry they didn't make enough "Spiritual" buttons for everybody but I really feel like it's just a more central element of my identity than it is for you!
I’m sorry they didn’t make enough “Spiritual” buttons for everybody but I really feel like it’s just a more central element of my identity than it is for you!
You are NOT invited to solstice.
You are NO LONGER invited to solstice.

Sabrina’s got her straight sticker on, which Amy assumes was hoisted upon her by Lauren. Nope, Sabrina says, she’s realized that she only swings one way! So um/ok.

Yeah I kinda think I'm straight...
Yeah I kinda think I’m straight…
Ehhhh I kinda
Ehhhh I kinda think you aren’t…

Uh, then everybody in the room starts chanting for Amy to label herself, it’s really weird I want to fall down a hole. Are they making fun of me?

Okay okay FINE I'll do the "Call Your Girlfriend" dance
Okay okay FINE I’ll do the “Call Your Girlfriend” dance

Felix is making Amy a countdown to their date clock! This is cute. Dammit.

I mean it's not like any of these girls are putting up much competition, you know? So I figured I'd make a clock.
I mean it’s not like any of these fake lesbians are putting up much competition, you know? So I figured I’d make a clock.

Amy emerges from the label booth wearing a bunch of labels and then gives a speech about labels.

Amy: I barely understand myself. Brad, if you’re proud of your label, good for you, shout it from the rooftop!
Brad: I’M ASEXUAL!
Amy: What I’ m saying is, I’m a walking pile of contradictions. We all are. And none of this equals us. It’s just not that black and white. And no one should be pressured to slap on a label so that someone else can define them. That’s just kinda douchey.

FASHION
FASHION, BITCHES.

Everybody cheers enthusiastically. Nobody wants a label! Not even jelly jars! You’re just gonna have to guess if it’s blackberry or strawberry or raspberry. You might accidentally swallow a big mouthful of grape jelly expecting it to be strawberry jelly. You might eat pumpkin butter when you wanted apple butter! You might think you’re about to put Nutella in your mouth and then it will be Vegimite. You might feed your dog peanut butter that turns out to be almond butter. The whole world is full of sandwich spreads and breads of affliction, and the most any of us can do is recycle. That’s what it all comes down to.

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Shane apologizes to Noah for following him home, and admits he was just a little suspicious because Noah always ducks out when things got steamy. I hope Noah is about to be like, “listen, I just get really gassy when I get excited!”

So you do or you don't wanna do a acoustic cover of "Hey Jude" at Coffee Haus tomorrow?
So do you or don’t you wanna do an acoustic cover of “It’s Raining Men” at Coffee Haus tomorrow?

Noah admits that he wasn’t kicked out of his house for being gay — he was kicked out for being trans. Shane’s surprised, but is mostly okay with it and kisses Noah really hard and then hugs him and then maybe seems a little bit less sure.

Did I leave my wallet on the airplane
Did I leave my wallet on the airplane

Liam arrives home to the smell of hot latkes crackling on the oven and my Mother asking me to set the table WAIT NO, it’s just Lauren, bringing the menorah out of the garbage can like the Maccabi warrior she is.

For the tenth time, I'm not gonna do the blessing unless you get me a transliteration!
For the tenth time, I’m not gonna do the blessing unless you get me a transliteration!

Lauren says that if Liam feels connected to the Jewish faith then he can still be Jewish, who cares about his alleged Dad! Let’s all forget how he got kicked out of his synagogue for hooking up with the Rabbi’s wife and celebrate the miracle of Hanukkah, the Festival of Lights!


Sabrina was so excited about Amy’s speech about not wanting to label herself! I seriously am going to stab myself in the eyeball every night of Hanukkah. Sabrina found Amy’s speech inspirational!

Amy: Does that mean you still wanna find a girl to kiss?
Sabrina: I think I already found one.

AND THEY KISS. It’s actually reasonably passionate and convincing!

Cool song, bro
Cool SONG, bro

Felix and Karma, of course, are en route to Amy’s house when this shit goes down, and Felix is about to make his next grand gesture when they spot the Dos Amigos on the lawn, cleaning each others’ tonsils. Womp!

Scooby dooby doo!
Scooby dooby doo!

And now, I’d like to leave you with some imagery I hope you dream about tonight:

Screenshot 2016-05-04 22.00.45

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